Don't Spend All of Your Time Hunting

Are you spending more time pursuing love than pursuing your own interests? 

This is the sixth post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship.

Being Alone

I remember that feeling of subtle panic that would come over me as the weekend would approach.  I didn’t have any plans lined up, didn’t have anyone special in my life, and most of my friends were married, so I often found myself desperately trying to figure out what to do with my open Friday and Saturday night.

There I was again, calling around to co-workers and acquaintances, trying to find someone to head out on the town with, out to where the guys were. All the while quietly afraid that it would turn into another long lonely weekend in front of the TV; another weekend where I was yet again constantly reminded that I was single, when it seemed like everyone else had someone special to spend their weekend with.  Someone to be with.  Someone that wanted to be with them.  That someone that I was looking for.

Being alone never felt like something I was choosing; it always felt like a sentence I’d been given, some sort of twisted punishment for something I had done wrong, or didn't do right.  I found myself feeling like any time that I spent alone was just wasting precious time that could be spent meeting someone; someone that could be the one. There was always the feeling that he was out there, tonight, somewhere, and if I could only get out there (wherever there was) and be where he was we could meet, fall madly in love and I could finally get on with my life.

I realize now that while I was spending so much time and energy thinking about where I could meet him, what I could be doing to run into him, who I could be out with that could introduce me to him, just so caught up with this hypothetical him that I was completely missing out on me.  The me that was actually here, right now.

It's Time to Celebrate You

It seems so clear to me now. And it saddens me when I think of the life I could have been living back then versus the life I actually lived, all that time spent waiting – and wasting.  So much energy spent on the where, what, and how of making it happen.  That romanticized event of meeting the one; the event that turns out to have only existed in my head.  I completely missed the point that it wasn’t something that was ever going to happen while I was desperately chasing after it, trying to manipulate it into being.  When I was so focused on finding it, it didn't even occur to me that I really had no idea who I was or what I was all about.

Everyone else made it look so easy; they just went about their lives and seemed to meet their husbands and boyfriends almost effortlessly while I constantly struggled to figure out how to make it happen for me.  Not realizing they didn’t have some sort of special magic in them that I lacked.  I just hadn’t figured out that the most important thing I that could have done on those lonely evenings was to find something I loved doing and started doing it. Started living life.

Live Your Life

I don't know when I finally realized it, or if there was even some specific point in time that I realized it. It may have only been in hindsight, much later, that I looked back at my life and realized that it happened. It may have just been that I was so tired, so exhausted, from the hunt for my Mr. Right, that I just gave it up and started to do things that I enjoyed. I took modeling classes, started ice skating again. I made new friends; I started enjoying life.

And that's when things seemed like they were just falling into place. Within about a year or so I found that I was meeting people effortlessly. I was doing more and more things, meeting more and more people. And that's when I met my husband.

I don't know what the psychology or science behind it all is, but I'm sure my body language had changed. I'm sure I was more confident, more relaxed, more at ease with people. And I'm sure I was more interesting, because I was doing interesting things. And the thing is, it's not just the things that you're doing that make you more interesting, but it's the fact that you have more experiences – you meet more people, you're going to different places, you are putting yourself into different situations. All of these things lead to your growth as a human being, and that's what makes you interesting.

And it doesn't hurt that you now have more to talk about than just the plot twists of the latest TV drama.

So next time you find yourself with some free time while you're alone on a weekend night, remind yourself that it’s not about focusing on finding him. It's about focusing on living your life, and enjoying each and every beautiful moment of it. See that free time as the gift that it truly is – the gift of the opportunity to find something you love doing.

Then get out there and start doing it.

Next post in this series: Do You Have Too Much Emotional Baggage?