Your anxiety may be causing you to waste something very precious.
This is the second post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship. I'm going to spend the next week or two delving into each of these more deeply, one by one, and discussing what you can do to make sure that you are ready for a relationship when your Mr. Right comes along.
Do You Need a Man to Feel Happy?
Do you find yourself turning down invitations to social functions because you don't have a date to bring? Are you the type of woman who needs to know you have a new boyfriend lined up before you will break it off with your current guy? When you find yourself single do you spend all of your time on the hunt for your next boyfriend that hopefully will lift you out of your depressed funk?
Of course most women, including me, are just much happier when in a relationship than when single. I mean, who doesn’t want to have someone with whom to watch the sunset, curl up on the couch and watch a movie, or share a home cooked meal? That’s totally understandable, totally normal, and totally human. We’re programmed for connection; we’re social creatures.
The problem arises when you find being single so depressing, so lonely, so, well, awful that you fall into the trap of getting into a relationship that’s not what you really want just to avoid feeling lonely. The problem with getting in (and worse, staying in) a relationship because you feel that it’s better than being alone is that you've just thrown a major roadblock in the way of finding true happiness.
You've basically locked yourself into a less than satisfying situation just to avoid what might, right now, feel like a worse situation. The risk is that you may find that you've locked yourself into this mediocre situation possibly for life. And that’s a long time.
So it’s time for you to break free of the chains of feeling like you need to be with a guy in order to feel good about yourself. The key is to learn to enjoy these alone times and stop wasting this valuable, precious time that could be well spent in discovering your true self, pursuing your own interests, and making new connections. Look at this time that you are unencumbered by a relationship as the gift that it truly is – the gift of time to do everything that you've wanted to do without being tied down by a relationship.
Find Your Community
One reason many women find it depressing to be single is because they don’t have anyone that they feel deeply connected to. It’s very important to have a sense of connection with other people and to know that there are others out there that care about you, support you, and love you. If you have this in your life in the form of family and friends, you won’t need to rely quite so heavily on a boyfriend to fill that very real human need. If you feel that you desperately need a boyfriend then chances are you don’t currently have this type of deep connection in your life. It’s time to build some.
An excellent goal is to have three to five people in your life that you feel deeply connected to; people that you can rely on to be there for you when you need to cry, scream, vent or just talk. Unfortunately, in our modern times with all of the theoretical connection that we have via email, Facebook, and the like, the reality is that most of us don’t feel deeply connected to anyone. While having three to five people is an excellent long term goal, it’s critically important to have at least one.
Be a Friend to Have a Friend
If you find yourself with no one to share your feelings with, and share in their feelings, then you need to start developing a friendship like this. The best way to build friendships is by being a friend. Reach out to others, find people that are in need of help and help them. If you have some old friends that you haven’t talked to in a while, pick up the phone and give them a call. Set up a time to meet them for coffee or to drop by their house for a visit. Go out of your way to meet them where they are.
I know this personally from when I was single and many of my long time girlfriends got married and started families. I felt deserted. I felt as though they had just disappeared on me, but the truth is that having a new family can be very overwhelming. I found that when I went out of my way to make it easy for them to see me, by stopping by their house and playing with their kids while we visited, we were able to connect and talk fairly easily. And the best part was that they loved me for it, because it provided a welcome distraction for their kids and some time for them to talk to another adult for a change.
Release Your Anxiety
Many times the entire reason for feeling depressed when you’re single is because of the underlying anxiety that you just might not find anyone. But what would being single feel like if you knew that you were guaranteed to find the man of your dreams within a year or so? Would that change how you view being single? You’d probably then be able to relax and really enjoy your single time. You’d find things that are pleasurable and fun for you that you could either do on your own or with your friends and family.
That’s exactly what being single should feel like. Look at it as a vacation from a relationship, and know in your heart that the man of your dreams is waiting for you just around the corner. Because if you can relax, release your anxiety, and really start enjoying your life and your current freedom you’ll be happier, more fun, more interesting and more social. And all of these can only help you to find the love you’re looking for.
Next post in this series: Are You a Rescuer?
You don't need a man for anything. This is what women need to understand. It is such a complete and total waste of time, once you are past the late twenties, to even bother with them.
" I mean, who doesn’t want to have someone with whom to watch the sunset, curl up on the couch and watch a movie, or share a home cooked meal? That’s totally understandable, totally normal, and totally human. We’re programmed for connection; we’re social creatures." What drivel. You don't need a man for any of this. You certainly shouldn't be cooking and cleaning for one. Think of all the things you could be doing in life that you are wasting on a relationship.
Women are so totally brainwashed to think they are nothing without some dude around to validate them, their minds completely turn to mush. The author of this piece is no exception.
My issue is that I don't see myself looking and "hunting " for Mr. right but I always end up in a new relationship very soon after my last breakup. I feel as if I am not capable of being just friends with a guy for a longer period of time because we start to build feelings and emotion and then things get serious and we start dating. But something with each guy I have been with is that I can picture myself with that guy for the rest of my life. They have the traits that I have always dreamed of sense I was a little girl.
There is a part of me that wants to be able to be single and just me. And have time to figure out who I am without being involved with someone else constantly. But at the same time I get the worst feeling in my gut that I need someone. I feel like if I don't have that someone to be there for me every time I need the smallest thing I feel alone. And like I have nobody. I feel depressed. I know I don't have depression and I feel like people tend to throw that feeling around a lot but the feeling that I get hurts me. It physically hurts me even tho nobody has done anything actually physical to me.
I even get this feeling when my boyfriend now for 5 months leaves for a week for work. Although I have not had this feeling with any other guy and I have dated a man in the Navy. And we only got to see each other for two weeks in a month. And It's not at all that I have trust issues. It's just that I freak out when I don't have him physically near me. I feel like this makes me seem a little crazy or over protective and maybe selfish. But is this not normal? Do I need the sense of someone else that wants to be with me just to feel normal and safe and happy?
Go into that feeling you get. Try to feel it and observe what is it without judging it, see if it reveals something: a memory, an image, a word, someone from your childhood.
I would say no, it is not exactly "normal" or better yet, not beneficial for you to feel that pain or anguish when someone is not physically there. You are your own person, and just because you're not attached, it doesn't mean you don't have anyone. Try to figure out why you go into the extremes, what is the underlying thought, the programming, and the fear resulting from those fears.
There's a lot to discover within ourselves without anyone around us distracting us or telling us how to live. If you can do Jane's program, that would be a great start. It seems like your body is asking you to access your subconscious.
I don't know what's wrong with me . I was abused when I was little . All my life iv had abusive partners. Who one tried to kill me but I still go back. When we split up for hundreds time and blames me for everything. Smashing up my place I still have to talk to other men as I hate being on my own I'm going to talking therapy who's a man but I don't think his helping me as I'm selling my house where I don't want to go. But can't afford to live there. My boyfriend left me for good now he drank and it's all my fault he says.on and off for 10 years. But he wanted to stay in my house until I moved then finish with me . Iv had panic attacks. Hospital. My back has distingrating discs in my spine and my legs giv way , off work for 12 weeks but I cannot cope. On my own . Help
And what if there isn't anything wrong with you, Linda? What if you've only been with all the wrong people who put all their own problems and issues on you because you had learned to take it and make it your own? When we can't see what we need to, emotional pain shows up. When that isn't enough for us to see what we need to see, physical pain that can't be ignored, shows up. What if being on your own was ok? What if you were stronger than you realize? There are so many thing to consider here, Linda, but the most important is that you slow down enough to look at what you need most, what you need to do to get there and take this all one step at a time. You can do this. You are that strong. And you get to choose where you go from here.
I don't think we need someone to complete us, but I do believe we're not meant to be alone. We're community, social, tribal creatures. I for one am looking for my partner, my buddy who will walk along with me . It's not that I need him to validate me, my existence or my value -
I manage my life perfectly and am comfortable in it the way it is with me being in control of everything because I'm the only one I'm concerned about. Having been single for most of my life, it is also my comfort zone.
I can't shake the feeling that life is just so much more interesting with someone to journey with.
And there's a reason you can't shake it, May, it's in you, it's a part of you, it's the missing piece to someone else's missing piece. Not because you have to have someone else, not because you need to, but because you WANT to. When we accept that, instead of excusing our lives away because we feel we should have been that pot or need to be that pot to be seen, that's half the battle. But even that statement, it's not really a battle because we're the only ones fighting ourselves. No one else really cares whether we're a lid or a pot or a salad bowl or whatever else we are, but it's when we give off the vibe that says we're not comfortable in all our glory i.e. our skin, they wonder why, too! Without that, we're our own beautiful unique selves and they don't know the difference.
Baloney. This is how women wind up going from man to man to man to marriage to marriage to marriage. It is complete socialization that treats women like they are subhuman if they are not in a relationship or defined by a relationship. As a 63-year-old never-married woman, I have utterly no use for whiners who think they haven't "chosen" to be single. Of course you chose it; you just don't want to come to terms with it.
Just think of things you could be doing in life instead of whining that there isn't some entitled dude around to make you feel "whole." You could be training or retraining for a career, you could travel on your own, you could simply go out and do things on your own. You don't need to cook and clean for a man to show him your "love" which turns out you will be doing the dreaded "second shift" if you are stupid enough to marry him. You don't need a dude around to watch a sunset with or to eat out or to go to a movie. I outgrew all that nonsense by the time I was thirty. I suggest women start growing up and actually developing themselves instead of whining they don't have a dude around when life gets just a little bit "hard."
I was emotionally neglected by my parents from the day I was born and my parents emotionally neglected each other. When I grew up and made friends I was a bit overpowering as I wanted the connection so much. I lost early friends because of this. I then leant to control my emotions to keep friendships but this also meant that I lacked the level of connection I wanted with them. I don't have family now and I didn't have children and I feel I am not connected to anything.
Ironically my best friends now are my ex boyfriends because I had that emotional connection to them in the past. I thought I had found my soul mate in my last partner as we had a deep emotional and physical connection. It made me so whole, grounded, happy, allowed me the space to relax, thrive and enjoy my own company when I wasn't with him. The second half of the relationship wasn't so good as he withdrew his physical love and affection. I found myself yearning and asking him for it which I hated as I have never begged for it before. It reminded me of my childhood. It was all too much for him to be able to continue to make an effort and to show love and affection and I couldn't stay with him without it so I ended it. Now I feel alone and disconnected from everything. I have been doing yoga and running which helps ease the anxiety but I just can't relax and enjoy my own company. I feel like my childhood experience is ruining any chances of future happiness and that it has left me with detachment issues. I just want to be able to relax and be happy in my own company and not to always yearn for love and affection from a man.
Dear Groundhog,
I know how this feeling hurts. Now I am experiencing this type of relationship, Also I think it comes from my childhood trauma. But anyway we have to continue to live. Try to see your beautiful sides. try to buy gift for yourself. Try to socialize, to make friends.
Good luck,,
with love
Why do I feel like I need a man to complete me?? is something wrong with me?
There is something wrong with you if you do, and it is a direct result of years of socialization and brainwashing by a woman-hating culture. It starts with parents who don't expect their daughters to amount to anything except to catch a man and pop kids out. The culture says women are basically subhuman and defined solely as a relationship to others. The vile traditional "homemaker" role is a perfect example of how women are denigrated. Men are not defined as "husbands and fathers" and certainly aren't told to make those relationships a "career." Yet women are told this constantly that they will only find fulfillment as wives and mothers. They have no brains to do anything else in this world. The author of this piece basically has absorbed the years of socialization and brainwashing that it is so wonderful to have some dude
validate your existence and hardly has any useful advice for women who think they have failed in life if they haven't snared a man. My advice is stop whining about not having a man and start living. You will be amazed as you go through life what a total waste of time it is to pursue a relationship. After all, you could be doing productive things.
I really need a man who will love me and together we make a happy family
Yes I need that
You are a sitting duck for a con man or an abuser with a comment like that. For one thing, you are not entitled to a relationship, and for another, you don't need a relationship to have a happy life.
I am an 49 year old, grew up with no dad, n my mom was verbal abusive to me! Called me stupid all my childhood life ! Got married at 19, stayed married for 27 years, but loss my 21 year old, Son n marriage didn't survive that plus other things! But now, I feel like I need man! I go out n have sex, n they never call me back, unless it's a booty call ! I hate myself for being like this ! Just want someone to love !
Oh Lonely, don't go to the one place that seems so safe - the place where you settle for hating yourself when you've got a beautiful life to be lived. I'm so sorry for your losses. You've been through so much. Come out from under everyone else's judgements of you. They never knew you. But you do! Change what you need to change to love yourself, to find you again. But do it in love not hate. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. Remove the hate and find the love!
go check out the narcissist abuse community on youtube. you are an abuse survivor.
Its good to find true love
Thanks Jane, actually i'm suffering from the situation that i need a man to complete me. But your words gave me the power that i'm complete already. God has made us whole we are deserving and loving. we must not chase things we don't have infact we must try to appreciate this amazing life!! Thank you again.
Exactly, Srishti! So glad this resonated with you.
Hi my case is pretty pathetic, here goes... I was in a relationship for 9 years he turned into a controlling abusive alcoholic that wreaked me emotionally and it got pretty bad. Then I got out of that jumped straight from shitty relationship to yet another shitty relationship then to find someone I adored only for him to turn out to have a drug addiction to Coke and weed he turned to a paranoid controlling man who beat me up badly (who I think I still love - stupidly) and the only reason I haven't gone back is cause I told my parents what happened and I can't face disappointing them by going back it would hurt them too much!! I was on my own for 4 months just going out seeking attention then I met a guy that I really liked fancied him for ages, couldn't believe my luck ended opening up to him far too much too soon about my past (damaged goods) that he basically ran for the hills said he couldn't get in a relationship cos his children need all his attention which I kind of believe but partly think he was looking for an escape! He kept in contact with me (probably cos he felt sorry for me) then I made a pathetic mistake and basically sounded desperate to be in a relationship with him saying how I just really want to be happy and I'd never met anyone that made me feel so happy and blah blah - what is wrong with me I put all my emotions on the line and he just knocked me back I apologised for being so open and he hasn't even text me back - so I guess I screwed that up!!
I just feel so hopeless everyone keeps telling me I need to be on my own for a while to feel happy in myself and that I need to learn to love myself and give myself time to heal before I will be ready to get into a relationship I understand this but... I'm not happy I've never felt so hopeless I'm miserable and the only relief I've had in a long time was when I had a chance of happiness with this guy and then nothing - I blew it! Just don't know what to do I feel so pathetic. I have a really good career and all that but I'm miserable none of that makes me happy!
I also feel a lot of anger and bitterness through the mess I'm in financially because of the crap that the bloke from the 9 year relationship left me in. This debt is stopping me from being an independent women, I'm 31 and still having to rely on my parents to put a roof over my head it's all very demoralising!!!
Thanks for listening folks any opinions would be gratefully received!
Xx
Hi Jen I want to say that im deeply sorry for the hurt and the pain you've delt with and while I can't say I've been in the EXACT same situation I do feel that I understand what you are feeling and where your coming from. But unfortunately because I know how you feel I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better but, and it may seem weird, if you ever just need someone to vent to don't hesitate to email me lysyrey@ gmail.com
I'm sorry you're going through this hardship, Jen. I can only imagine how sad and hurt you must be feeling.
Confusion. I think that's what's blocking you. You don't know who you are, what you're about, nor how important and special you are.
Have you tried therapy? I suggest you find a secure therapist to help you see your blind spots and to guide you through this.
Being in a pattern of dating abusive men or men with addictions is highly dysfunctional. Don't call what you feel for these people love. It isn't.
You can start looking inside you to try and understand what it is you're doing by choosing these men. You may not see how you have chosen them, but you have. Find out why. That's where you start.
Hugs.
I really need a good man to love me for who me are an i can also love him for who he is .i don't need a man that abuse
Exactly, Alie. You don't!
Yes i m
I lost my boyfriend because i felt like I needed him so bad I pushed him completely away. I now realize this and it's too late. Trying to stay positive but very sad.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Pink. We do the best we can with what we know at the time and sometimes we learn everything after the fact instead of before. The gentler and more loving you can be with yourself, the more easily you'll be able to find your way out of a place of need and into a place of desire instead. It's never too late with someone who's truly right for you.
I constantly crave male attention to the point where I used to show off to my partner about my constant admirers
Until we learn to give that same attention to ourselves, we will always crave it from somewhere outside of ourselves, Cheryl. But don't be so hard on yourself. We don't learn how to do this; instead, we learn only how to get it from the outside. Remember that it's always available to you when you tap into what it is that creates that kind of energy within you. 🙂
I am a 16 years old homo boy, i am not the conventional homosexual and most of the people i know says that i do not appear to be homo. These days i was thinking that it is even much harder to find my Mr right because majority of homos are just looking for you know... lust but i really don't, i like boys maler than me i am malish but in a boy degree, i cannot find some adult to talk of this, i do not want my parents to know it for the time i hope an answer, blessings
Try to look deeper beyond the surface to what you really want, Joy, to the qualities that you want someone to have, to how you want to be treated, to how you want to feel when you're with them. If you can create some clarity in a clear picture of what that looks like, you'll have an easier time recognizing it when you see it. There's always someone looking for what you are, it's just sometimes we can't see them because we're too focused on looking for something else.
I don't think I really need a man for being happy, because sometimes they bring us trouble and hurt. It's better we independently decide our life. But actually, having a man who loves us beside is good any way 🙂
But all men's r not same
Thank you for acknowledging that all men are NOT the same and to not judge us by a few bad apples 🙂
I really thnk we cn mke our slf happy with out dating any men we strong
Thanks so much for your words, it really helped me, Finding close connections is very important. I really enjoy male company I think I cant live without them 🙂 but we can always make male friends and they don't have to be boyfriends. Thanks again
Exactly, Petite; you've got it! You can always find healthy alternative ways to still get your needs met that don't involve unhealthy relationships. So glad this resonated with you! 🙂