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You Are That Strong!

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A woman is demonstrating her strength in the punching position.
Yes, you really are!

I came across one of my favorite playlists in one of my long-forgotten files today, and one of the titles caught my eye. It was Taylor Swift's We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. I found it again online and began listening to the lyrics and it all came back to me. There was a reason I loved this song!

Isn't that what we all want to be able to do? Don't we all want to be able to stand up so strong, so confident in ourselves and what we know we deserve, and say these words to that guy, the one who took us for a ride, the one who played our hearts?!

We want permission, we want to be given the right to say something that strong. We want to have that same resolve. That same type of confidence.

Because as much as we want to say this to him, we're scared to. Scared that he might be the one, and we let him go. Scared that there's no one else coming around. Scared that he just might  be our last chance.

We're scared that we don't deserve better. Scared to stand up like this and let him know in no uncertain terms just like this that we are done! That we refuse to be treated like this anymore, and we would rather be alone than be with someone like him treating us like this!Continue Reading

You Don't Need to Be Chosen

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You don't need to be chosen. You don't need to be picked by a guy to have worth. A man is picking a flower out of field.I see you everywhere I go. All around me, you're everywhere. So much insecurity. So many of you deferring to these guys. Hanging on to them so tightly, literally. Like you need them.

You believe you do. It’s the flawed belief system that’s in so many of you. You're not flawed; it's just the system you bought into, that you've been programmed with.

It's your beliefs that fuel the insecurities, making you believe you need a guy to choose you in order for you to be all right. I know, because I've been there.

I see you. You’re dressed to attract (the wrong guys). You’re talking to attract (the wrong guys). But if they’ll just hold your hand one more time you’ll take it, because you need that to know you have worth.

You just don’t realize you already have worth, without them; that you have a birthright to claim, just because you’re you. Just the way you are.

But you won’t believe it, because no one makes you feel OK, no one has ever made you feel OK; in fact just the opposite.

But the point is that you don't need anyone else to make you feel OK. You can just feel OK, make yourself feel OK by just being yourself. Just reveling in you. Because you is where it’s at. You’re special just because you’re you. Not anyone else.

But you won’t believe it; no one does. And you can’t get that empty “who do I think I am?” feeling out of your head.

Because we all shortchange ourselves. Believe we’re nothing. Believing we're nothing without being chosen, without a worthy guy to make us worthy. Without a guy who measures up in our culture with what our culture says he needs to be. What we need to be.

So there you are, all dolled up, all sexy, showing your worth, showing what you've got. Because if you’re not putting it out there, someone else will and she’ll be picked. She’ll be the chosen one. Because that's what we think it’s all about.

Pick me, pick me, please pick me.

I hear you because I used to be saying it too. And now I'm trying to drown out all those other voices with mine, saying, beautiful one, beautiful you, come home to yourself, and the beauty that is in you; the beauty that is you.

Being chosen is a lie. You've got it all inside. You don’t need anyone outside of yourself to make you feel alive. You were picked on the day you were conceived.

The universe became a better place on the day you entered the world.

Once Upon a Time There Was a Little Girl

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Once upon a time there was a little girl who believed she could do anything (Photo of little girl jumping with joy)Once upon a time you were a little girl who knew her worth couldn’t be measured; a little girl who believed in herself and her dreams, which were big dreams, and that little girl knew she could do anything and that her dreams would come true.

Until they came along and told you that you weren't all that, that you weren't worthy, and that they knew better than you did.  They told you it wasn’t ok to do this or that, that it wasn't  ladylike, or feminine, or appropriate for someone like you.  And you believed them because you believed they knew best.  And you were taught to be a good little girl so that is what a good little girl should do.

Until one day your own feelings of worth and your beliefs in yourself and what you deserve got so stuffed down inside you that you no longer believed you could follow your dreams and become whatever you wanted to.  And you began to doubt yourself  and believe instead that you had to prove yourself worthy instead of remembering that you were worthy just because you are you.Continue Reading

Beautiful Goodbye

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Sad beautiful woman checking phone after boyfriend broke up with her over text.
With each goodbye we lose hope.

I recently went searching for a song that I couldn't quite remember but couldn’t get out of my head, and I finally found it… A Beautiful Goodbye, by Amanda Marshall. She's a Canadian singer from a decade or so ago whose passion for life and love came through over and over again in her songs.

It got me thinking about the goodbyes that we all experience in our lives, the ones that let go of us, the ones we let go of, and the ones we should let go of and don't, and I realized that these lyrics just said everything that I was thinking about perfectly.

I turned up the volume and found myself going back in time. Back to my own painful goodbyes that were so rarely of my own choosing, but were all part of my learning and growing process, even if nothing could have convinced me of that at the time. As I listened to each of her words, everything came flooding back in a swell of tears and emotion.

It made me realize that every time there had been a goodbye, a goodbye that seemed so insignificant to him, every single time, was so painfully heart wrenching for me. As if he had just reached into me and torn my heart right out. For him, it always seemed, it was nothing more than a casual goodbye. And many times there wasn't even a formal goodbye - it just more or less dissolved until it was apparent to me that we just weren't dating any more. I was left alone again with nothing but my broken heart.

But for all of their casual nonchalance, for me it was nothing less than my world crashing down around me. It wasn’t just about me having to let go of yet another relationship that hadn’t kept up to its full potential (which was more of my own making in my own fantasy in my head, than the reality of what the relationship actually was), it was about losing my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies; all those things that little girl inside of me still believed, still wanted. And with each goodbye, with each end, I was losing hope.

As I finished listening to the song, I imagined all the pain and heartbreak of every woman who has ever experienced that kind of goodbye, where she doesn’t realize that it’s not just about the end of a relationship, but in some way, it’s actually the end of a little bit more of her. I don’t think it’s just an accident that Amanda Marshall is singing from a rooftop in the video, or that the scraps of paper are falling to the ground below, or that the wine glass finally falls so gracefully, yet forcefully from the sky to shatter into a million pieces on the ground below, just like our hearts. It's never just about a goodbye, it's about so much more than that. It's our very hearts and souls on the line.

How is it that we allow someone into our lives with such ease and without questioning whether or not they are worthy of being in any kind of a relationship with us before we let them in? How do we forget that we are worth so much more than that? What about you? What about your life? Your passions? Your soul? Your gifts to the world? Your you!

These men who end up saying goodbye, or who never say the words but just disappear from our lives, are so not worthy of any of those beautiful parts of your heart and soul! It's time to let them go. To stop letting them in in the first place. It's time to take back your own power, even if it feels like you no longer have any. It's still all there. It might be buried so deep down inside that you've forgotten you have any, but believe me, it's still there.

This is about you now. It's time to start making choices that are in the best interests of you. So let them go.

Stop the settling for anything less than you deserve to be treated. If he doesn’t treat you like the beautiful woman you are, refuse to settle for those kinds of crumbs. Be absolutely clear first with yourself on how exactly you deserve to be treated, and get that crystal clear before you even accept a date with a guy, and then, and only then, observe his character, see how he treats you - what he says and does - and don’t give him anything of yourself until he shows you that he’s worthy of all that you have to offer. Not anything.

Let him prove his worth to you. Let him show you what he has to offer. Watch and observe. Don’t give yourself away. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally, not in any way no matter how amazing he seems. Until you know him well enough to consider letting him in. And then only on your terms. Not on his. Because you are the one who has worth. You are the one with everything to offer. Let him prove to you that he is deserving of you, not the other way around.

You, beautiful, radiant, loving you, deserve nothing less than this!

Ten Things I Would Do Differently

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Beautiful woman sitting on the beach, sad because of her breakup, wants to get her boyfriend back.
I wouldn't be so scared.

… if I could do it all over again.

1. I would spend less time worrying about how we were ever going to find each other.

I would know when we were both truly ready for each other, we would find each other.

2. I wouldn’t try so hard to change myself to be what he wanted me to be.

I would know I didn’t have to be anything except myself.

3. I wouldn’t hold on so tightly to relationships that didn’t honor or respect who I was inside.

I would know that I deserved better than crumbs and that it was only by refusing to settle for anything less than what I deserved that I would finally get it right.

4. I wouldn’t hold on so tightly to another him that I thought was the best I was going to get.

I would know that no guy, no matter how amazing or wonderful (or whatever he is), is worth losing myself for.

5. I wouldn’t be so scared of being alone.

I would know that it’s in being alone that I learn who I am, what I’m about, and what makes me me.

6. I wouldn’t be so scared that someone else was going to find him first.

I would know that scarcity is a lie that we’re brought up, but it’s not true. There’s always enough of everything if we believe it – even if we’re talking about men.

7. I wouldn’t be so scared that the art of finding Mr. Right was somehow in everyone else but not me. That they had the magic in them but not me.

I would know that everyone has the magic in them just by being alive and that I didn’t ever have to be afraid of missing him.

8. I wouldn’t wonder if I was worth someone looking for me and waiting to find me, too.

I would know that I have worth just because I exist.

9. I wouldn’t think that finding him (and keeping him) was about using some magical formula, or some perfect prescription, or playing games or any other manipulative tactics.

I would know that it’s about being real, honest, and authentic; without the games, the acting, the manipulating and the pretending.

10. I wouldn’t be so worried that it was never going to happen to me because I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t deserving enough.

I would know that dreams really do come true, even for me, no matter where I’ve been, what I’ve done or what I’ve been through.

…because that’s the key. It’s not about him, it’s about you. It’s about getting out and doing the things you enjoy, living the life that you were meant to live. And it’s in doing those things that one day, somehow, somewhere, without you even knowing it, that’s when it’s going to happen. Your dream. Your happily after after. The real thing. At exactly the time that you are both ready for each other; and not one moment before.

How about you? What would you do differently? Tell us about it in the comments!

The Essence of You

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Beautiful woman walking in the field and runs hand through the high dry grass in autumn.
It's all that really matters.

The more single women I work with the more I’m convinced that beauty, intelligence, success, wealth, and attractiveness do not correlate with an increased ability to attract the right Mr. Right.  For every woman who may seem to have it all (or at least have something that we think we're missing that we need to attract a man) the story they tell in reality is one that is all too similar to the rest of us.Continue Reading

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