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Am I the Problem?

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Beautiful woman sitting on the beach, sad because of her breakup, wants to get her boyfriend back.
I must be the issue because it can't be everyone else.

I get a ton of emails but sometimes there are ones that cut right through to my heart. This one was one of them.

I read it through twice and caught my breath. How many times had I whispered exactly the same thing? How many women do I talk to who ask me the same thing?

Jane, she began, I wanted to see if I might have one (or any) email consults left with you or if not can I please buy one? 🙂

I have recently found out I'm likely on the spectrum which explains a few things but I'm really struggling with my family dynamics and feel a bit like I'm too messed up to even be friends with anyone let alone be in a relationship (which I've pretty much given up on).

I feel like I keep getting backed into corners and my health is in decline.

I have become very much a recluse and avoid seeing people because I'm either too unwell or feel like it's a waste of time because I will be rejected sooner or later (because I'm not good company - I really understand that) and it's just too painful to do it anymore so I just stay on my own.Continue Reading

Freeing Yourself from the Chains of Bondage

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Concept of a woman freeing herself from the chains of bondage
It's time to break those chains.

"I'm ready to do the work" she said. "I'm ready to fix this."

"I sabotaged it - I was so insecure and anxious. I did this. Now I only have myself to blame. Can you help me get him back?"

It wasn't her fault. And no, it didn't require any more "working on herself".

Because it wasn't hers to fix.

She hadn't sabotaged it. She was insecure and anxious BECAUSE he gave her reason to be. NOT because she was this way for no reason.

She didn't do this. She wasn't to blame.Continue Reading

Are you still attracting the bad boys? Here's why and how to stop.

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Happy young man and woman in a car enjoying a road trip on a summer day. Couple out on a drive in a open car.
We're attracted to someone who's at ease with what we find difficult.

One of the things I absolutely love about my husband is how he handles surface social settings with such ease. While I'm thinking about what I want to say vs. what I should say or figuring out what's expected of me (because that early PK programming is always right there in my head!), he just shows up normal.

And you know why? Because I was attracted to someone who had ease in an area that I struggled with.

What's just normal and natural to him, is a struggle - or at least a second thought - for me!

My point for you? We're always attracted to someone who can do something we struggle with or don't believe we can do. That thing you're waiting for permission to do? As long as you believe you need permission - or don't give it to yourself, the more you're going to find someone who never looks for permission - or needs it - attractive.

See where I'm going with this?

Whether it's the bad boy, the guy who treats you bad BECAUSE HE CAN, the emotionally unavailable guy who doesn't care if he ever digs deeper because you do all the digging - and understanding - for him, this is why you can't stop being involved with this type of man.

Want to change it? Start here. Start today.Continue Reading

Doing this ONE thing is going to make it EASIER on you!

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A beautiful woman holds her hair up while looking at the ocean.
Can you see this?

The most tragic part of loving the wrong people for us - the ones who don't love us back or love us the way we love them - is that we take this wrong person and we stake our worth on them.

Until they love us, we're unlovable. Until they accept us, we're unacceptable.

We tie our worth to someone who has no special claim to determine our worthiness. In fact, we pick the very one who's incapable of loving anyone like us at all.

Can you see this?

It's never about a guy, never about winning someone's love. It is always about proving something about ourselves we feel we have to prove. That's a made up story someone put on us, not anything to do with real love.

Take this guy you're holding to this task that he's utterly incapable of and never signed up for in the first place. Let him be just an ordinary guy.

Give yourself back your worth, your lovability, your more than acceptable status. It was never about him, but always about what we needed him to be.

If you don't need him - or any man - to validate you like this, can you see how much easier this thing you've made "the great impossible search" becomes?

Seeing this? Type "yes" here in the comments below.

It breaks my heart

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A beautiful woman is feeling lonely and sad, feeling as though nothing will ever change.
You're beautiful, you know.

You break my heart, girl. Over and over again.

I see you. You're beautiful, you know. But I know you don't.

You say your thighs are too big, your body not sexy enough, your hair not full or thick enough or too thick or too curly or whatever you see that's not enough or too much.

You only see that you're too old or not pretty enough or you've got that medical/physical condition or that other thing someone labeled you with and then you labeled yourself with it and made it your life sentence.

Too fat, too ugly, too all wrong in all the wrong ways - I hear the awful words you use with yourself and they all add up to one thing - too unlovable. And then you've gone out of your way making sure you prove to yourself exactly that - unlovable.

You pick the meanest guy in sheep's clothing.

No, he's just misunderstood you say and oh that sad childhood he had or that awful luck he's always had. No, girl, he's got what ever has happened to him because he's exactly who he is!

Continue Reading

Why Am I Not Good Enough?

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A beautiful woman looking down sadly, trying to let go and move on.
I lived this way for almost three years.

My heart ached for the woman who sent me the email with this as her subject line.

The tragedy is when we take someone's rejection of us personally as a reflection of our very worth. Feeling like you're not good enough when really it's because you're with someone who triggers in you these feelings of not being good enough for him. But who could ever be when you're with someone who elicits this type of response in you? It has nothing to do with your worth or your being good enough. It has everything to do with him and his own choices and nothing, nothing to do with you.

What always comes through in letters like this is this beautiful heart of yours.

So giving, so understanding, so caring, so compassionate. You're so unlike anyone he's ever met. You allow him to be exactly who he is, to treat you however he does, to give you only what he can in the moment - even if it's nothing, and he's never come across anyone like this before. You give and you give and you give some more. Waiting to be acknowledged. Waiting for him to notice. Waiting for him to come a little closer to your side. Waiting for him to appreciate you. Waiting for him to give you what you know is in him, albeit buried deep down inside him.

You're prepared to love him through whatever he's going through. You hold the vision of what he could be so strongly in your mind, that it covers who he actually is and what he's showing you by his actions, by the way he treats you, by the way he actually is, not the way he used to be. In spite of everything he shows you about him right now, you have such a beautiful hope for what can be, such a beautiful heart for how you love him, and so you stay with him, you'll try everything and anything to help him.Continue Reading

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