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You've done well, Beautiful.

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A beautiful woman holds her hands out in the shape of a heart while watching the sunset at the beach.
But what has all that done for you?

You’ve done well, haven't you, Beautiful?

You’ve behaved perfectly.

You’ve shown him he doesn’t have to worry about you being one of those women who pressures her guy into more than he's ready for. You've shown him you really can be that "cool" girl, and not the clingy, needy one he can't handle.

But what has all that done for you?

You’re more invested now. There's more to lose.

You don’t need to talk to him. You already know where he stands.

So what do you do?

Talk to yourself first.

Get clear on who you are and what you want and what you will and won’t accept. See how that lines up with what he offers you and what you’re seeing from him.Continue Reading

You're Not Your Story

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A beautiful woman looking down sadly, trying to let go and move on.
We've all been told a story about ourselves.

I took my own advice.

I poured my heartbreak into something that needed me; someone that needed me. A dog who was labeled with severe separation anxiety; rescued from a shelter that couldn’t keep her.

And then I noticed something so similar to what I notice with you.

You’re not your label. You’re not what you’re telling yourself you are. You’re not your story.

You’re not the self-fulfilling prophecy you’ve made your life because you were with all the wrong people and all the wrong environments that only reinforced this inherent belief system in you.

In psychology, we call this confirmation bias.

We’re given a label. We’re told a story about ourselves. And then once it’s been positively reinforced often enough, we go looking for evidence to confirm that same label, that same story, that same narrative that’s become our truth.Continue Reading

Am I Being Too Needy?

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Woman upset after her boyfriend pulled away and disappeared, wondering if he'll ever come back.
I just wish I felt more important to him.

Our letter this week comes from Jennifer, who's wondering if she's just being "too needy" while trying to navigate a relationship that's about to become long-distance.

Here's her story and my response.

Hi Jane,

I would love to read your advice on my current dating situation.

About 6 months ago I began going on dates with this guy who I had met in class. I immediately found myself drawn to him since the first day I saw him but I was too shy to initiate anything during the semester. Luckily for me (or maybe not) we reconnected two months after our class ended and began going on dates.

During this time we really connected over our shared faiths, career goals, and personal attributes. Although it was clear that we really liked each other we never made it official. He had been accepted to an out of state medical school and didn’t want to make me any promises that he couldn’t keep.Continue Reading

Have I Chased Him Away By Being Insecure?

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Woman lying in bed upset, wondering if she chased him away
Did I push him away?

Our beautiful friend, Fome, is afraid she’s chased away her guy by becoming clingy, needy and acting desperate. Has she?

Here’s her story …

Dear Jane,

I just recently found your blog and it feels like every single topic you have addressed, you are speaking directly to me.

I recently got introduced to this guy through a mutual friend, around September this year. He stays abroad so we haven't met physically. We Skype everyday.

We hit it off immediately.

We both knew we wanted something serious. After about a month of talking everyday. We were already making plans to see. We talk freely about the future, settling and all.

I really like him.

When we first started. The calls were a lot frequent. We could Skype for 10hrs at a stretch on a work free day. It was beautiful.

Then later the calls began to reduce.Continue Reading

The Strength / Weakness Deception

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A whiteboard with a hand writing strength and weakness, crossing out weakness.
What if you’re the strong one for giving love a chance?

You’re calling him strong, and yourself weak.

You’re looking at him as being so strong that he can walk away as easily as he does, and then yourself as weak for not being able to do the same. You think he’s strong. You think of yourself as weak.

Because you need him. And he doesn’t need you.

So you equate that with your being the needy one, the weak one who needs someone.

And the ones who don’t need anyone, you call them strong.Continue Reading

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