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You are here: Home / Archives for break up

Why No Contact NEVER works and what to do instead

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Woman sad over breakup looking at mobile phone on the city bus wondering why he doesn't love her
The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact

I know, I know.

It’s the exact opposite of what your girlfriends and everyone else tells you to do.

It’s the opposite of what every single email in your inbox says to do.

After coaching thousands of women of all ages and cultures from all over the world the past 10 years and seeing firsthand what works and what doesn’t, I stand by what I say.

The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact.

No, that only keeps us overthinking, second-guessing, waiting, spending a ton of money on everything promised under the sun to get over him while we WAIT for some kind of miracle to happen to bring him back.

I mean, let’s be clear. We HATE no contact!

You know how many of us can actually do no contact the right way? Just about no one. If you’re the exception, that’s awesome. You can stop reading this now and move on.

But for the rest of us who can never seem to make no contact work, who keep going back to him – or at least back to thinking about him while beating ourselves up for failing at this again – more shame anyone?! – I’ve got something for you to do instead.

Stop working against yourself and start aligning with your own heart.

You CAN’T get over someone you’re having to play mind games to try to do it.

You WILL get over someone when your heart, your mind, your entire being processes how this guy treats you when you’re at your lowest point.

See, the reason why this unconventional path actually works for real, is because it’s the only way you can make this decision FOR YOURSELF. And that’s the whole point. If someone is telling you that you have to go no contact, if someone is shaming you for contacting him because you’re not supposed to, they’re the only ones who are getting over this guy, not you. You’re still wondering what he’s doing, if that last thing you were going to do might have worked, if surprising him at work might have been the only thing you needed to do, or if getting on that airplane to show up at his place might have been the one thing your relationship needed that it didn’t get.

You have to settle within yourself what going no contact will never ever settle for you.

Until then, you’re trauma bonded, attached to the shame that was put on you or just confusing him with someone else who was supposed to love you unconditionally and couldn’t.

Isn’t it time to stop listening to people who don’t understand you, who don’t get you, and only make you feel bad about yourself for being you?

Go ahead. You don’t need it, but for those of you who do, you’ve got my permission. Call him, text him, message him, drive by his house. Go get on that plane and go see him. Do whatever it is you need to do that will free you from all these regrets you’re going to have. Do the thing you’re beating yourself up already for not trying to do to get him back. I’ve got a line of women a mile long who will reassure you from their new happy relationships they got into only AFTER they stopped listening to all the advice that never resonated with them in the first place and did whatever the hell they wanted to do – you have NOTHING to lose!

How do they do this? They get over him. Fast. They stop pining for him because they don't have to wait to see more traces of the real him. They get this immediate feedback right away - they don't have to wait for it - that tells them he's an asshole. You know how much easier it is to get over an asshole than some guy who's living up to your fantasy imagination that's only in your head because you can't contact him to see how he treats you for real?

You've got this, girl. No one knows this better than you!

Love,

Jane

Now tell me in the comments below a quick 'yes' - that you're going to do whatever the hell you want to do with this guy you can't get over. It's more than time you stop listening to some bad advice that has never worked for you and start listening to your own heart that has always known better than someone selling snake oil who pretends to know better than you!

That guy you lost? Here's why you can't stop thinking about him!

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A woman is upset, with her head in her hands, because her boyfriend says he wants a break.
This is why you can't let it go.

You know that guy you used to have? The one you lost? The one you think you were too much for, too needy with, or not enough of what he actually wanted you to be?

Yeah, that one.

He's gone now, right?

And you're sitting here, going back over every last conversation in your head. Every text, every message, every nuance. Until the very last one.Continue Reading

My ex is confusing me

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A beautiful woman is holding her head in her hands wondering if her boyfriend who has commitment issues is just playing games or if he wants a committed relationship.
I just have no idea what to do.

Ever been confused by an ex? I know I don't even have to ask. More like who HASN'T been confused by an ex! Read on to hear what B wrote to me. I have a feeling you'll relate.

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

Thanks so much for providing a safe space for me to share how I feel and get some advice!

My ex broke up with me about a month ago after dating for almost two years. We had a wonderful relationship, but like any relationship had a few ups and downs. He treated me so well and we had a lot of fun together, and the spark was undeniable. However, although I had told him I loved him, he had never said those words back. He made it clear that he felt the same way, but seemed scared to actually say it.

I felt completely blindsided when we broke up as I wasn’t expecting it. The breakup was respectful and calm, but the thing that confused me was that in the same breath as ending things he finally said the words “I love you.”

Since breaking up we have stayed in contact and even seen each other a couple of times. He has told me he doesn’t want to get back together but he wants to be friends. He will blow hot and cold over text and sometimes flirt and other times not reply for days.Continue Reading

Has your dream turned into a nightmare?

3 Comments

A beautiful woman lies in bed next to her boyfriend, wondering what decision to make.
All these years I tried to make this relationship work.

Ever feel like your dream for your relationship has turned into a nightmare?

You're not alone.

One of my boyfriends bought me a book on dream interpretations because I had such vivid nightmares while we were dating. Little did he know they were about him! - and for a good reason. What my conscious mind couldn't bring myself to see, my subconscious mind couldn't NOT see.

I've heard the same from many of you in my working with you who've shared your own vivid dreams with me, so today I'm sharing Kelli's letter with you so you can feel another heart who relates to what you've been through. Here's what she wrote to me ...

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

I decided to write to you because burning the bridge on a relationship is tough and I need support.

I did walk away finally and could see why I kept hanging on.

I do know that when a healthy relationship comes along it will be such a relief.

Wishing the old relationship had turned out differently is like hanging on to a cloud.Continue Reading

I keep getting dumped - every year

2 Comments

Silhouette of sad woman looking at sunset over water, shame concept
They always say the same thing...

Our letter this week is from Hope, who wrote to me about her pattern of getting dumped every year. She gets the same reasons every time and is beginning to wonder if she's just unlovable even though she's still so young. She doesn't feel that way.

Did you ever feel that way? This is so familiar to me, it was like looking in a mirror as I read her words. I hope you find my response to be helpful to you as well. Here's what she had to say.

Her Story:

I am 24. I know this is young, but almost every year since I was 17 I have been dumped for exactly the same reasons "the spark is gone", "just don't love you anymore", "just not feeling it anymore".

It's becoming embarrassing to tell my friends that I have been dumped yet again especially when so many of them have been in long term relationships.

I always ask them why and they always say the same thing "you haven't done anything", "you're amazing", "it's me, not you", "I promise you have done nothing".Continue Reading

"You're too nice for me"

8 Comments

Rear view pensive thoughtful woman sitting on sofa alone, lost in thoughts, upset female having psychological problem, heartbreak, thinking about being alone
I couldn't believe he was telling me this.

"You're just too nice for me, I was always afraid you were too nice for me. I like you so much, but I didn't feel it strong enough, something was missing."

My blood was boiling before I had even finished reading her full comment on my website.

No, don't turn it back on her. Don't make it about her being too nice. That's a bunch of BS!

You, (insert the name here of whoever's said the same thing to you) - this isn't about her, it's about you!

You're the coward. You're the one who won't do your own work.

You're the one who refuses to wake up from your own convenient programming that insists it's all about finding the "perfect" woman and that's the piece that's missing and then you'll magically have this complete perfect relationship that will make everything so easy for you!

No, don't hide behind that BS! That's NOT the way relationships work.

You don't get to be with someone for 6 months who's "too nice", afraid she's too nice the whole time, while you're playing the field, sleeping with someone else - "but it doesn't mean anything" - and then dropping the bomb that you "don't feel it strong enough."Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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