Dating

There is no more painful a subject of conversation on my calls than what to do with the emotionally unavailable man. The man who is so incapable of feeling his own feelings - let alone empathizing with yours - that he feels like some walled off robot acting on some computer coding deeply embedded in him.

"How can he DO that?" you say.

We will ALWAYS be attracted to this man.

He promises so much hope, so much potential. So much love.

If only we can crack his code.

The reality is, we can't. And even more importantly, even if we could, that reward that seems so close - if we just crack that code we can have that life with him we've always wanted! - is actually never any closer to being realized than when we first started falling for this guy.

Because he can't let his guard down that much for too long.

So what's the answer? What do we actually DO with this type of man?

The only thing that ever works. You find yourself even in the midst of accepting your cravings for him. You accept the attraction you will ALWAYS have for this type of man! And you understand why that makes him so dangerous to YOU because of what he takes away from you with your time, energy, and focus so fixed on fixing him!

This is an addiction to this type of man, an addiction to this type of hope believing that it's ON YOU to bring this guy around! We've been doing this through years of repeated intergenerational trauma, trying to do what the women before us couldn't do, trying to make some guy love us or change for us because we've been given our own programming that a GOOD woman, a DESIRABLE woman, a woman of any WORTH, would be able to BE that woman who cracks the code and changes an emotionally broken man like this.

We have to accept where this is coming from. These are lies we've been told.

We have to resist accepting this challenge that's nothing more than a guy's code for I don't have to change, I'm alright just the way I am, there will always be another woman throwing herself at me because she thinks she can 'help' me and I can stay just the way I am. It maintains the incredibly threatened status quo.

We will always be attracted to the misunderstood broken boy. We will always find his type a challenge to measure our worth on.

And we will always fail and blame it on ourselves for not being good enough to reach him.

Recognize this, accept it, and then lay down the challenge once and for all to do this ever again.

We don't change men like this. Tragically, in the worst ways possible, until we no longer recognize who we used to be, we only end up changing ourselves.

And that is what makes this so dangerous.

I get to drive the way I like.

I get to laugh at the things I find funny.

I get to love the things I love.

I get to choose me over someone else.

I get to choose what to do about something I need to deal with.

And I get to be wrong about it, to change my mind, to do it different next time.

I get to back out, say no, disappoint someone, throw a wrench in their plans if I realize I should never have agreed to it in the first place.

I get to be silly.

I get to be right.

I get to be wrong.

I get to not act my age.

I get to not know who I am some days.

I get to know exactly who I am on other days.

I get to cry.

I get to miss things.

I get to grieve, I get to mourn.

I get to eat what I want.

I get to shave my legs or forget and not care.

I get to wear a swimsuit and it doesn't have to look amazing on me.

I can just swim in it.

I can change from who I used to be.

I can become something entirely different from what someone remembers about me.

I can talk too loud.

I can be completely inappropriate.

I can think you're someone else ... and not be embarrassed if I'm wrong.

I can reminisce about being young again.

I can bawl at a sad movie.

I can still want to change the world in spite of how many people might think that idea is unrealistic and crazy.

I can think in my own way even if it's not your way.

I can be different from you and still be me.

I get to be me.

I know, I know.

It’s the exact opposite of what your girlfriends and everyone else tells you to do.

It’s the opposite of what every single email in your inbox says to do.

After coaching thousands of women of all ages from all over the world over the past 10 years and seeing firsthand what works and what doesn’t, I stand by what I say.

The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact.

No, that only keeps us overthinking, second-guessing, waiting, spending a ton of money on everything promised under the sun to get over him while we WAIT for some kind of miracle to happen to bring him back.

I mean, let’s be clear. We HATE no contact!

You know how many of us can actually do no contact the right way? Just about no one. If you’re the exception, that’s awesome. You can stop reading this now and move on.

But for the rest of us who can never seem to make no contact work, who keep going back to him – or at least back to thinking about him while beating ourselves up for failing at this again – more shame anyone?! – I’ve got something for you to do instead.

Stop working against yourself and start aligning with your own heart.

You CAN’T get over someone you’re having to play mind games to try to do it.

You WILL get over someone when your heart, your mind, your entire being processes how this guy treats you when you’re at your lowest point.

See, the reason why this unconventional path actually works for real, is because it’s the only way you can make this decision FOR YOURSELF. And that’s the whole point. If someone is telling you that you have to go no contact, if someone is shaming you for contacting him because you’re not supposed to, they’re the only ones who are getting over this guy, not you.

You’re still wondering what he’s doing, if that last thing you were going to do might have worked, if surprising him at work might have been the only thing you needed to do, or if getting on that airplane to show up at his place might have been the one thing your relationship needed that it didn’t get.

You have to settle within yourself what going no contact will never ever settle for you.

Until then, you’re trauma bonded, attached to the shame that was put on you or just confusing him with someone else who was supposed to love you unconditionally and couldn’t.

Isn’t it time to stop listening to people who don’t understand you, who don’t get you, and only make you feel bad about yourself for being you?

Go ahead. You don’t need it, but for those of you who do, you’ve got my permission because it works! Call him, text him, message him, drive by his house. Go get on that plane and go see him. Do whatever it is you need to do that will free you from all these regrets you’re going to have. Do the thing you’re beating yourself up already for not trying to do to get him back.

I’ve got a line of women a mile long who will reassure you from their new happy relationships they got into only AFTER they stopped listening to all the advice that never resonated with them in the first place and did whatever the hell they wanted to do – you have NOTHING to lose!

How do they do this? They get over him. Fast. They stop pining for him because they don't have to wait to see more traces of the real him. They get this immediate feedback right away - they don't have to wait for it - that tells them he's an asshole. You know how much easier it is to get over an asshole than some guy who's living up to your fantasy imagination that's only in your head because you can't contact him to see how he treats you for real?

You've got this, girl. No one knows this better than you!

Love,

Jane

P.S. Now click here and tell me in the comments a quick 'yes' - that you're going to do whatever the hell you want to do with this guy you can't get over. It's more than time you stop listening to some bad advice that has never worked for you!