Am I the Problem?

I get a ton of emails but sometimes there are ones that cut right through to my heart. This one was one of them.

I read it through twice and caught my breath. How many times had I whispered exactly the same thing? How many women do I talk to who ask me the same thing?

Jane, she began, I wanted to see if I might have one (or any) email consults left with you or if not can I please buy one? 🙂

I have recently found out I'm likely on the spectrum which explains a few things but I'm really struggling with my family dynamics and feel a bit like I'm too messed up to even be friends with anyone let alone be in a relationship (which I've pretty much given up on).

I feel like I keep getting backed into corners and my health is in decline.

I have become very much a recluse and avoid seeing people because I'm either too unwell or feel like it's a waste of time because I will be rejected sooner or later (because I'm not good company - I really understand that) and it's just too painful to do it anymore so I just stay on my own.

I'm the issue because it can't be everyone else but it just hurts so much to try to put myself out there and feel slapped by people.

Over time it has made me seriously scared to interact at all and I know I'm weird and intense but it's so hard not to be me.

Can you offer any suggestions or insight here Jane? I'm sorry I've lost track of how many sessions I had - crazy brain of mine. Thanks!

- Laura

I knew exactly how she was feeling, not only because I'd felt some version of the way she was feeling myself, but also because she put into words what many of the women I'm coaching have expressed to me.

Ashamedly. Embarrassed to admit it. But it's all there.

I asked her if she would allow me to share our exchange with you here on the blog so you could feel a little less alone and loved too.

Laura, I said, I have so much to say to you and am so glad you reached out. What you're experiencing is something I am so familiar with and it makes me so sad and angry that we normalize a culture that modifies the brains of such beautiful sensitive souls like yourself (and so many women who come to me like this!) so that we let society off the hook and blame the 'victim' instead.

This is not new, but it pains me to see how you've taken all this on yourself as if you are the problem.

You are NOT!

You're merely the symptom of systems and a society used to scapegoating people who have hearts that so lovingly give others the benefit of the doubt so that they dump even more on you until you hide yourself away, ashamed to be you!

First, do not take any of this personally. I know that's so much harder said than done, but this is a pattern with people who are loving, soft, light-filled souls like you are.

Just like you attract men like this, or rather THEY are attracted to you and go out of their way to win you over so that they temporarily become better than they actually are for you, so have these other people who you are believing - incorrectly - that they are right about you.

Second, minimize the contact you have with them. You've naturally done this but you want to do it intentionally because they are not safe people for you.

Third, make a list of the places you feel cater to people like you. Places and spaces where sparkly, shiny or the other side darker, shadowy people like you are welcome and respected and actually celebrated. I'm thinking indie bookstores, colorful coffee shops and local cafes, places where the arts and creativity come to mind and are run by creative artistic people.

Fourth, go to these places - what you've identified as safe spaces for you with like-minded people where you'll feel in good company. Most of this will be energy level that you feel even if you can't quite put it into words. Go and be yourself with the goal of just interacting, getting used to feeling more like yourself and seeing who shows up with a similar energy to yours.

The final thing is the most important. It's how you get your power back to stand up for yourself.

Be even more yourself than you used to. Be the very thing you've got a diagnosis now for.

Own it. Wear it. Live it. Without shame, but in celebration instead.

Celebrating you!

Wearing the full heart of you on your sleeve proudly because I swear this is the very best way to find your safe accepting spaces and people.

I've got some real experience with this, Laura, and every time someone comes to me feeling like they need to hide because people they've given their power away to are telling them they're the problem, a personal revolt is in order and all it involves is holding onto who you are by refusing to believe them and reminding yourself of all the wonderful qualities of you BECAUSE you are different in other ways or are on the spectrum.

Also, if you want to write out all the things about you that you've bought into that are the problem, I'd be happy to go through that with you and tell you why they only confirm for me that you are not the problem!

Much love to you, Laura. I am feeling you so much here and hope my words and strength I'm sending through them reach you and come through to the very heart of you.

Love,

Jane

PS If Laura's words resonate with you, come on over to the comments here and give her some love today. You're never EVER alone in what you go through!