Has your dream turned into a nightmare?

Ever feel like your dream for your relationship has turned into a nightmare?

You're not alone.

One of my boyfriends bought me a book on dream interpretations because I had such vivid nightmares while we were dating. Little did he know they were about him! - and for a good reason. What my conscious mind couldn't bring myself to see, my subconscious mind couldn't NOT see.

I've heard the same from many of you in my working with you who've shared your own vivid dreams with me, so today I'm sharing Kelli's letter with you so you can feel another heart who relates to what you've been through. Here's what she wrote to me ...

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

I decided to write to you because burning the bridge on a relationship is tough and I need support.

I did walk away finally and could see why I kept hanging on.

I do know that when a healthy relationship comes along it will be such a relief.

Wishing the old relationship had turned out differently is like hanging on to a cloud.

It looks so beautiful for a moment against the bright blue sky but it floats by and fades away and all I have a is a memory of the happiness I felt.

The cloud was only for a moment just like my beautiful relationship.

The point is there was beauty in those relationships that faded away. My heart and my mind won't forget and that's the part I miss.

I know it is important to realize the underside of that beautiful white cloud was dark and dreary and even tho I knew the rain would drench my spirit making me miserable and cold, I still held onto the beauty!

I wanted the beautiful part of my relationship to last forever .

The treacherous betrayal, the hidden life, the inability to stay connected or even make a commitment to me, made me feel I was the worthless human being.

As I began to work through my own feelings, I saw the dark side of this man. He even admitted he was wretched and worthless and didn't even know why I would want to talk with him because of the horrific life he had been living.

I definitely needed help, Jane. I was bonded, deeply connected and my heart still held on for way too long.

I had a dream that he and I were together and we were going up into a big tall building to experience a very exciting view at the top .

We walked fast through the room and out the sliding glass door onto a brick ledge that I felt was way too dangerous!

He was going so fast that he couldn't catch himself and because the brick ledge was slanted so you would fall, he slipped on the dust and fell straight down onto the cement.

I caught myself and saw him land and I did not know if he would survive. I climbed down the outside of the building and went to see if he was all right. My heart filled with love!

He stood up and was able to walk so we walked away together, but when I talked to him, he was very angry and he took it out on me.

I talked to the man who told us to go up to the ledge and he was a deceptive man who didn't care about anyone getting hurt.

He told me it wasn't his fault that we went out on the ledge.

Luckily I stopped before I fell, but all these years I tried to make this relationship work, the man I was with was filled with anger because he went too fast and didn't look ahead. He wasn't able to stop himself and got hurt.

Finally I was able to let go and told him his anger was caused by his own actions that hurt him.

So now I am able to allow him to heal his own heart finally with God's help and I told him that I hoped if I ever saw him again, it would be nice if the hurt he felt from going too fast would be gone.

I realized finally that it wasn't my responsibility to try to make him feel better.

He hopefully will see some healthier life style choices now that I quit talking to him.

It makes a man feel worse when a woman keeps trying to help him.

It is way more important to let the man deal with himself and gain ground and take responsibility.

Since that relationship, I have also been able to develop new skills and have made better decisions for myself as well. I participated in Alanon and codependent anonymous and went to counseling to learn cognitive behavior therapy.

The most important healing I did tho was to be by myself and pray to God to know who I was and that I am loved. I developed a deeper understanding and knowledge of my own values and inner strength and also understand grace and that is a relief.

I still get bouts of anxiety and fear. Lies or automatic thoughts come up in my mind but I counter them with God's words and gently correct myself.

It is not easy to stand alone and develop healthy boundaries.

I definitely need support.

Thanks for being here Jane.

Love your emails, they really help.

Sincerely,

- Kelli

My Response:

Hi  Kelli!

I'm so glad you reached out. I felt every word of your email and I'm sure I won't be the only one who found pieces of her own story reflected in yours.

I'm sharing your email with our community today because it's such an eloquent description of what so many of us have either gone through or are going through with the men we love. You have gained such insight to see that his lack of capacity to commit to you isn't about you at all, but about a man spinning through his own life with so little actual control and yet he needs to know he is in control.

It was your proximity to him and the light you give with your sensitive, caring, giving nature that made you a place to put the blame. But that was on him, not you.

It's not easy to stand alone and develop healthy boundaries. It's not easy to know when to walk away. And those lies and thoughts that come up on autopilot to cause you to doubt yourself are part of the going through.

No, it's not easy. But it's almost always necessary and I'm certain of this.

When your dreams show up as nightmares and resemble a metaphor for real life, the writing is on the wall. You either save yourself or you save him but you can't do both. And putting all the responsibility for another grown human being on yourself only ends with you losing yourself in the process.

When you can look upon yourself with grace, when you can accept the what is and give up the dream of what you so wanted to believe it could be, you give yourself a reason to reinvent yourself, to start over, to begin with who you are instead of remaining only a fraction of everything you have ever been meant to be.

I'm so glad you've found support groups to nourish you and a faith to sustain you. It gets better on the other side of this. It's baby steps. And practicing setting boundaries with things even as simple as what you like and what you don't, all help.

As for burning bridges, well, it helps to remember why you're burning them. Keep a list of all the reasons you're burning this one so that when the bad memories grow dim and the good memories are all you can think of, you'll have a visual reminder of why you felt you needed to burn them down in the first place. Do you want to let that back in? Do you really want to undo all the progress you've already made to start the process of grieving all over again? Flood yourself with love, with people who support you, with the ones who care. Live in the moment. Replace every "should" with "could". Keep the focus on you, not him. Remember that everything gets better the more time and space you put behind you and always ALWAYS remember the price you pay when you think you've lost some guy is nothing compared to the price you pay when you lose yourself.

I hope it was therapeutic to write this out, Kelli. I'm so glad my emails are helping and I know you've helped a soul or two on here who've found their own stories in your words.

I'll be holding your hand until you get to the other side!

Love,

Jane

Does Kelli's story resonate with you? If you'd like to offer her a word of support or you've got your own advice for burning down bridges, let her know in the comments.