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I keep getting dumped - every year

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Silhouette of sad woman looking at sunset over water, shame concept
They always say the same thing...

Our letter this week is from Hope, who wrote to me about her pattern of getting dumped every year. She gets the same reasons every time and is beginning to wonder if she's just unlovable even though she's still so young. She doesn't feel that way.

Did you ever feel that way? This is so familiar to me, it was like looking in a mirror as I read her words. I hope you find my response to be helpful to you as well. Here's what she had to say.

Her Story:

I am 24. I know this is young, but almost every year since I was 17 I have been dumped for exactly the same reasons "the spark is gone", "just don't love you anymore", "just not feeling it anymore".

It's becoming embarrassing to tell my friends that I have been dumped yet again especially when so many of them have been in long term relationships.

I always ask them why and they always say the same thing "you haven't done anything", "you're amazing", "it's me, not you", "I promise you have done nothing".Continue Reading

Is Online Dating Helping or Hurting You?

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Beautiful woman sitting down checking her text messages using mobile phone.
Let me show you how to choose better.

Today I had a coaching session with a client going over profiles on a dating app.

I pointed out the things that I saw as obvious red flags or signs of incompatibility the way I usually do, but today something else occurred to me that may benefit you to understand, too.

Online dating is a great way to increase the number of perspective dating prospects in your life by the sheer number of how many more people are accessible to you than the usual meeting in real life, especially lately when real life has been so limited.

But there’s an important caveat to this.

You’re not meeting through mutual interests, you’re not meeting where you have a chance to see someone in their everyday life, or at least somewhere other than just as a profile on a screen.

My point is, you’ve only got a small snapshot to go on, so in that short time, it’s important to know how to use online dating apps to your advantage, not to your disadvantage.Continue Reading

I KNEW all along

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Beautiful woman smiling at text on phone from her new boyfriend.
He was so excited about me, but then...

Ever look back and realize you were right - that you just KNEW how things were going to go with a new guy you were hoping you'd be wrong about? That's what Sarah wrote to me - I just KNEW, she said. Read on to hear what she told me.

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

I love your work. After reading it and trying to do my own work for many years, I've been trying to work on expanding my "ideal" version of a man.

With that in mind, I started talking to this guy online who was outside of the "ideal" but seemed very excited about me. From the get-go, though, I had some concerns - he lives 1-2 hours away, he's somewhat recently divorced, and he's had some family issues.

I was very mindful that these all might become issues.

In fact, after learning more about him over video and phone calls, I thought to myself: There's no way this guy can be ready for what I'm looking for, given everything that's going on! (even though that's not what he was telling me and my concerns hadn't actually yet played out to be true).Continue Reading

It breaks my heart

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A beautiful woman is feeling lonely and sad, feeling as though nothing will ever change.
You're beautiful, you know.

You break my heart, girl. Over and over again.

I see you. You're beautiful, you know. But I know you don't.

You say your thighs are too big, your body not sexy enough, your hair not full or thick enough or too thick or too curly or whatever you see that's not enough or too much.

You only see that you're too old or not pretty enough or you've got that medical/physical condition or that other thing someone labeled you with and then you labeled yourself with it and made it your life sentence.

Too fat, too ugly, too all wrong in all the wrong ways - I hear the awful words you use with yourself and they all add up to one thing - too unlovable. And then you've gone out of your way making sure you prove to yourself exactly that - unlovable.

You pick the meanest guy in sheep's clothing.

No, he's just misunderstood you say and oh that sad childhood he had or that awful luck he's always had. No, girl, he's got what ever has happened to him because he's exactly who he is!

Continue Reading

What Your Anxiety Should Be Telling You

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A beautiful woman is holding her head in her hands wondering if her boyfriend who has commitment issues is just playing games or if he wants a committed relationship.
Stop blaming yourself.

In reading your emails, there's something that always stands out for me. It's when you talk about being anxious, feeling uneasy, being sensitive and picking up on things that you don't know what to do with.

See, when you say things like that, I see something else.

I see that you know exactly what to do, even if you don't believe you do and that's why you're writing to me.

I see you knowing this guy far better than you think you do.

I see you blaming yourself for what happened in the past because it's so easy to fall into the pattern of self-blame when we've come to look at our intuitive senses as being something that's "wrong with us" instead of a gift that lets us know what's really going on when we're so wrapped in the fantasy of what someone could be if only he wanted to be that.

There's always a reason the things you see are red flags.

How could you not take them to heart? How could you have interpreted them in any other way than you did? He's rarely a bad guy, just clearly someone who's not on the same page as you.Continue Reading

Why Am I Not Good Enough?

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A beautiful woman looking down sadly, trying to let go and move on.
I lived this way for almost three years.

My heart ached for the woman who sent me the email with this as her subject line.

The tragedy is when we take someone's rejection of us personally as a reflection of our very worth. Feeling like you're not good enough when really it's because you're with someone who triggers in you these feelings of not being good enough for him. But who could ever be when you're with someone who elicits this type of response in you? It has nothing to do with your worth or your being good enough. It has everything to do with him and his own choices and nothing, nothing to do with you.

What always comes through in letters like this is this beautiful heart of yours.

So giving, so understanding, so caring, so compassionate. You're so unlike anyone he's ever met. You allow him to be exactly who he is, to treat you however he does, to give you only what he can in the moment - even if it's nothing, and he's never come across anyone like this before. You give and you give and you give some more. Waiting to be acknowledged. Waiting for him to notice. Waiting for him to come a little closer to your side. Waiting for him to appreciate you. Waiting for him to give you what you know is in him, albeit buried deep down inside him.

You're prepared to love him through whatever he's going through. You hold the vision of what he could be so strongly in your mind, that it covers who he actually is and what he's showing you by his actions, by the way he treats you, by the way he actually is, not the way he used to be. In spite of everything he shows you about him right now, you have such a beautiful hope for what can be, such a beautiful heart for how you love him, and so you stay with him, you'll try everything and anything to help him.Continue Reading

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