What's keeping you up at night? What are you most afraid of?
This is what's showing up on my calls - the fears behind the fears, the things that keep you up at night.
You find me for so many different reasons but it's usually your heartbreak over yet another guy that finally cracks everything open so you can see what's been wrong for a long, long time.
That's what I'm hearing from you right now.
Everything that's wrong in the world - in your world - and in the future as far as you can see ahead.
How will anything change? How can anything be different when it's been this way for already too long?
How do I find hope? How do I stop feeling so lonely?
How do I make my life over? Is it just too late for me?
Deep questions are what I'm getting from you that you're desperate to find the answers to.
If there's one thing I've learned best from you, it's that you have them. All your answers. Everything you need, right there inside you. You've had them all along, outside of the noise of the life you've been trying so hard to live. It's just so hard to see those answers clearly when there's the bigger root problem underneath that needs to be resolved first.
I thought it was that I couldn't keep a guy no matter what I did. I didn't realize it was because I didn't think a guy was good enough unless I had to prove I was good enough for him!
So who did I pick? Not the guys who wanted a commitment or were actually looking for a relationship, but the guy who didn't, the one who had to be convinced or won over by someone who was better than all the rest - and I was determined to win that contest and make that person me.
Can you see how much this was about so much more about something I could control - my choices and my motivation - than it was about what I thought it was - that I couldn't control - about him?
I see this all the time on my calls.
Yes, it's the guy that's the problem. Not because he's a problem but because of who or what he represents that's become your problem, as it becomes a pattern so often you're afraid to try again.
That's why your heartbreak is the thing that cracks the problem wide open enough for you to fix it once and for all.
See, it's not by accident that you've found your way here to my blog, to this email, to these words. It's because this is what you're ready for right now.
Tell me in the comments what are you struggling with right now? What is it for you?
Love,
Jane
Hi Jane,
I'm struggling with a broken heart for the second time in one year. I've been divorced for 8 years now and it's been one heartache after the other. This most recent one broke my heart a week ago. I really believed him, all he said that he felt for me, all he said he wanted. He pitched the perfect story! After 6 months with him I found out he was still online dating and had been sleeping with another woman behind my back 🙁 I'm crushed, I was so convinced this guy was it! The worst part of it is that he repeated the same thing to me when we were breaking up, "you're just too nice for me, I was always afraid you were too nice for me. I like you so much, but I didn't feel it string enough, something was missing"
UGHHHHH, the something missing part still makes me cringe!! I've heard this now from 3 men that I've felt serious about!! They like me but don't love me!! Jane I'm angry, confused and frustrated 😠 The whole its not you it's me line has been fed to me more than anyone should hear!!! I'm so broken.
Thank you so much for your articles, and weekly love steps. I'm going to start them this week. I'm so sick of this ugly painful pattern.
Sincerely,
Stacey
Letting go and trying to start over. It a horrid cycle I keep putting myself through. Even knowing that he has done nothing for me in anyway but break my heart I continue to keep letting him do it. My love for him is so strong and deep that I do not know how to stop or end this.
Try acceptance. Start here, Meg. You're letting him do it - accept that. Don't add the judgement. There's always a reason and that reason is obviously so much more important to you than not doing it. When you accept, you can think clearly because you stop fighting yourself or your shoulds. Make sense?
So why do I keep being attracted to guys who dont want a relationship? And let them use me? Is it my pride/ ego? I am devestated when they reject me….it’s all so ugly and unhealthy …. I need to know how to stop doing this to myself
So ask yourself this, Janet. What about being in a relationship scares you? Underneath your desire for a relationship - because I'm sure that's what you'll come back with - but your actions are showing something else. So why don't you want a relationship and why can't you say that part out loud? Also, what would it take to be comfortable in a relationship? Lots here!
I’m 62 & have been on this road way to long. I even took the “Getting to True Love” course back in 2016. Then in late 2017 I thought I’d met my soulmate (a guy 4 years my senior who I had also met 10 years prior, set up by a family member). This one was different. He had all the qualities on my checklist. But 3 years & one house later I find him complacent, distant, not an asset to me but a liability. He stopped putting me first a long time ago, but I overlooked it. He needed a mother, a nurse, a secretary & a concubine. We were musicians together but that died along with the relationship. I’m done, I’m taking care of myself now doing all the things I love to do. No more men… it’s better to be alone & lonely than to be in a relationship and lonely.
So much so, Margeurite. Be proud of yourself for coming to this. You may not be able to control this guy's behavior, but you've learned this part well!
6 years since I first dated this guy 6 months out of a20 year marriage which had become unhappy and he is still in love with her. They even got divorced and then back together for a year in the middle somewhere. I didn’t see him for 2 years but now I have it’s just the same. The idea of commitment to anyone still causes him such anxiety he sees me for a few good times then pushes me away choosing to date someone he doesn’t feel anything for because it’s safer. I’ve exhausted myself and been to hell and back to get beyond this and so has his ex wife. I even moved countries. I love him and so I forgive him but he is selfish and cowardly. He won’t do any work on his anxiety he just runs. Should I commit to someone else I just don’t feel the same way about so I am not alone? I’m 61.
It's not either or, Cate. If you don't want to always be running after him, he's not your guy. But NO ONE will ever be able to compete with a guy who ignites your adrenaline - and hope! - at the thought of finally being the one woman who actually catches him. You'll never feel the same way about someone else!
I was with a man for 20 years I was madly in love with this man.. It turns out that he was lying to me for 20 years And that he was leading a double life . It's been almost 2 years now since we've broken up And I'd never got the answers to all my questions. Why did he do this to me .It seems like I can't move on without the answers to my questions. And I never wanna fall in love again. He broke me and I never want to feel that pain again.
Only if you keep giving him that kind of power, Anna. What are you questions? Various versions of why and how he could do this to you? Because he could. Because this is what he was capable of. Because it served him. Because this is what he chose to do. He would have done this no matter who you were because this was about him and his own needs and obviously he cared more about himself than about how it was affecting you. With your eyes wide open and now knowing what to look for you won't have to feel that pain again!
I feel beautiful more times than not but when I get into the world I feel ugly, stupid, not worthy. So this translates to all areas of my life. More specifically, love life. It has been over 10 years that I have been in a loving relationship. There are a lot of guys pursuing me but it's not the ones I really like or they are married or in a relationship (cheaters). So I feel like I have been wasting time and pretty alone or with men I don't really like for an ego boost in which doesn't last long.
Your world sounds like a beautiful place. You should spend more time there, Stacee, until you can take it with you with confidence in the other world.
I know he loves me. I felt it. Something scared him and now he has to hide me. Our relationship is unique. I don't know if i fight for it or let him have his space. I miss him and deep in my heart i know he's the one. I've never felt this about anybody before. So lost at what to do
Maybe instead of fighting for him, let him fight for you?!
I was married for 30 years. We have 6 children together. Unhappy for the last 10. Divorced now a year and just trying to date. Struggling.
I was married for 30 years. We have 6 children together. Unhappy for the last 10. Divorced now a year and just trying to date. Struggling.
Find a friend first, Sheryl. It makes everything easier!