That was Kate's question for me. And my answer to her is the same to you if you've ever asked this yourself.
Her Story:
Hi Jane,
I met my boyfriend online, and at first I wanted to be just friends and he wanted to be more than friends. Later I changed my mind and decided to go out with him.
We dated for about 1-1/2 months and he broke it off yesterday saying he didn't have romantic feelings for me and that he thought of me as a friend. I'm so shocked and heartbroken because I really really liked him and thought we'd be together for a while.
We don't have much in common and we don't really know each other so I thought maybe that might be the problem. I want to be friends with him but I really want to get back together with him.
He was the best boyfriend I have ever had and he's a really good guy.
He's not looking for any serious relationship but I kinda was so I think that also might have been the problem. I keep blaming myself because I thought I did or said something to make him feel that way.
He says it's not my fault but I can't help thinking like that. I want to get him back.
Do you think there's any way I could get him back?
- Kate
My Response:
Dear Kate,
You can stop all the self-doubting, all the wondering about what you could have done differently or should have known better, all the questions about whether your expectations were too much or whether you were too much or not enough with one simple word; compatibility.
He clearly wasn't on the same page as you.
He clearly didn't want what you wanted.
You clearly weren't compatible in all the ways that matter.
It wasn't your fault or his; it was two people on two completely different pages and sometimes the only way we'll see that we don't belong with someone is if things finally come to a head and it ends. It can be the very best thing that happens to us if you remember this and don't take it personally!
A relationship is a two-way street with equal give and take, regardless of whether it's your first relationship or your last. Sometimes it's more him and sometimes it's more you, but it's never so unequal that either one of you feel powerless.
It's never complicated unless you're not compatible in the first place!
If you haven't already read my posts about why asking him why never works and what rejection really is, you may find those helpful in getting through this.
Unless you want to get more of the same from him, I wouldn't contact him. Don't give anyone any more opportunities to "reject" you, simply because you're going after someone who's not looking for who you are and what you have to offer!
There's nothing wrong with you, but if you keep choosing someone who isn't on the same page as you and doesn't want the same thing you want, you're going to eventually feel like there's EVERYTHING wrong with you.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
Got something you want to add to say to Kate? Say it here in the comments. I know she's not the only one who's asked this before!
Thank you Jane. This is so true and has taken me some time to learn. Never ask him why - as hard as that is, and the painful realization that even sometimes him disappearing and not coming back is closure.
Now I tell myself and any friends going through this kind of thing is that you don’t go to the person who hurt you to heal you. We have to heal ourselves, and with the help, advice and support of our friends and those that truly love us for who we are, we can do it.
I hope these realizations come easily and painlessly to you. I found that it was really my fear of the pain that kept me from allowing myself to accept when things were over, even when they didn’t have the decency to let tell me. Then with the guy I thought I’d never get over ( it was all always about him and when he wanted to see me), afterwards I saw that it was not as painful as I thought it would be to let go. I just slowly and lovingly toward myself moved on.
Hi Kate I see you say he is the best boyfriend you ever had would you make a list about all the things you love and like about him and then a list about all the things you don’t especially how he seems emotionally unavailable to you and compare them. This has helped me
And has shown me what was so confusing it might help
Try not to idealize him. I would hope that every guy could manage to be the best boyfriend for 6-8 weeks! Most guys can manage to seem fantastic for up to 4 months. It after that period, that the truth starts to show and that is when we evaluate them. It is hard because we all tend to get a little carried away before then.
It is clear he isn’t the guy for you (or any girl actually, he really not there for any actual relationship if he can’t even get through several weeks). BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN the best boyfriend ever isn’t still out there! IT ALSO DOES NOT MEAN that all your beginning hopes and dreams about what that “relationship” might be like are crushed! No, it just means you still got to meet that guy. You can still have those hopes and dreams, and you will find the right guy that fits them.
I would try to fill your time with other activities and let yourself mourn him so you can move on. Your best boyfriend ever is actually out there on his journey towards you! Don’t let this “6 week” guy prevent you from being ready for your “1-2-year” or “5 year” or even “marriage-minded” guy!!
I love the "don't give anyone the chance to reject you". This really helped me being the first email I opened this morning. I am still sad about my divorce 7 years ago. I still miss my ex. We had some very happy times. I torture myself when I get in that memory bubble. I sulk bc he has been with his current girlfriend for years now and they live in his house. I can't do anything about this and we don't communicate. For you, a month in a 1/2 in, while disappointing is not a lot of investment in a relationship. I would try to be strong and carry on. Someone else you will meet might make it clear, and very happily so, why this current situation wasn't meant to be. Chin up!
Hi Susan, I feel for you because you said it right: it torture to get in that memory bubble. I know it is hard (!!) but how about switch your focus to new memories you can make for the next 7 years? What is on your secret bucket list? What is an activity or class or trip you wouldn’t mind taking but are afraid you stink at or wouldn’t end up enjoying? Try it! Doing that so so helped me over long term breakups. It also made me feel like I was becoming my old self again, from much happier times.
Also, if you don’t decide you need to move on (by therapy (huge fan!), trying new things, pampering self), you are letting your Ex block you from finding love again. And a love like you had but much better!
Best wishes Susan!!
Thank you. Most of the time I'm OK or don't think about it. And I have had a few relationships over these past 7 years. I've been journaling a lot since my sister bought me a journal and it is surprisingly helpful. I have done therapy. My entire story about this is novel worthy 😆 I started writing after I posted my comment here and it left me feeling free for now. And yes, like you, I am having more times feeling free and myself again and I go WHOA!! Hey, I like that girl!
Kate....get real. You only dated this guy for 1 1/2 months a real relationship takes time to build. You also said you don't have much in common with him. So why would you cling to him. He knows what he wants.....he wants friendship only at this stage of his life. Friendship can turn into something more if you give it time. That's what you need to do. Hold on loosely...but don't let go.