I started a coaching session with a woman yesterday with the same question I've got for you.
Like most of us who've been here, she's got a guy she's hearing less and less from and is struggling to get over him once and for all.
I knew this was going to be a long session and I wanted to get to the heart of the matter to get her some relief right away, so I narrowed it down to one single question whose answer stood out as soon as she told me her story. I needed her to make this connection so she could see the significance of it, too.
What is the one skill you feel you're lacking? Or, put another way, what is the one thing you wish you could do that would make you feel so much better right now?
Her answer was so clear and such a clue to helping her unlock what the specific thing was that she was looking for in choosing this guy who kept breaking her heart.
See, there's always a reason you're attracted to who you are.
It's no coincidence that the guy you're choosing to put all this time and effort into - and usually too much heartbreak and tears, is exactly who he is.
It's because of what you value in him!
And 99% of the time, this skill or ability or quality that you value in him is the same thing you're wishing you had more of in you!
If you can't see this connection, just like the woman I talked to last night, it's not surprising because most of this happens subconsciously in ways you can't see until someone who's been there points it out to you. I'm happy to connect the dots and make this relevant for you, too. It's life-changing when you harness the power of what knowledge and understanding yourself better can do for you!
What it is for you? I wish I was more _____________. Fill in the blank. That one skill, that quality that you wish you had - say it out loud here. What is it for you?
Love,
Jane
I don't feel confident about my look,Iam over weight. I don't know how To Love myself.
I am actually right now thinking how To get over the feeling that I feel so empty if I don't hear from him. He is just sending me good morning baby - messages every now and then. Doesn't answer if I Ask what are you doing etc. No video calls. I blame myself for making things worse,ruining everything.
I think I should be a write and be In a more creative work and live abroad. Oh. I
I have been pushing him to give me an answer if he wants To continue, he use To say that he does, now I don't really get an answer. I feel terrible. I was also suspicious about him.
What would you tell your daughter if she just told you everything you wrote down here? You were that same little girl once, Ellen. Do what you'd tell her to do!
I think I would tell her to purseu her dreams. I would tell her that I see her beautiful and precious. No man can ever take that from her. And that her life and what she is, is far more important and valua Le than any man In this world. Even if she would never marry or (stupid) people would keep on asking about it.
Go tell her that, Ellen. And then go do it with her. She's been waiting for you!
Thank you Jane!
I have been struggeling with the fact that this man I met is not for example in contact with me as much as I hoped and the way I hoped. I said to him that I need to live my life and I want someone who is interested in my daily life as much as Iam his. He doesn't really reply my messaeges when I ask about stg personal on related to relationship talk. His interest seems every now and then one thing (sex).
So I was feeling that I want more and need more.
But how can I cope with this feeling that I miss him? And how do I cope with this feeling that I regret what I have said and done to him? Maybe if I didn't say and do those things, he would have opened up more to me? I think I was pushing him to tell about his life.
When he was sending me messages I felt anxiety and panic about answering to him. Now that I have not heard from him. I don't feel that way anymore, but sad and empty. Why?
You are SO right Jane! I thought about it and even though it’s crossed my mind before I never did anything about it back then. Now I’m looking at it with different eyes and a more opened mind. I love how adventurous and daring he is and how nervous and sometimes scared I was to venture out and try new things. I’ve always been a worry wart and that has sometimes set me back and has kept me from trying and seeing new things. He was trying to get me out of my shell so to speak. After our breakup I found myself doing things I never would’ve done by myself or even with him. Being more adventurous. I miss those adventures with him but now I do them alone or with friends and I’m more open to trying new things. Sometimes you need being away from someone to make you realize the only one keeping you from having or getting what you want is yourself.
Wow, you're really seeing this, Marisa! You are so much like me! 🙂
I’m an empath and I love that God made me like this. I suffer a lot but God blesses me even more. My “so called” weakness is actually one of my better talents He gifted me with. I’m able to understand others and help them even more. Jane you have a beautiful heart and soul and you are also very blessed. Thank you for helping me and so many others. 🙏♥️
I’m still a little obsessed with my ex. But I believe the quality I loved about him that he was just himself changed when he became career driven. Now I want to be career driven ( helping others by empowerment coaching) so part of me wants him to want me back. But I keep telling myself I can live with or without him and my sense of love comes from myself and that was the past and focus on creating my future without him. He would never talk intimately or be vulnerable or go to counselling and when he did want me back I said not without counselling. Should I reach out to him or get over him once and for all. We knew each other for 38 years and have 2 boys. So hard to put him behind me but I keep trying.
When trying clearly isn't working for you because you're not getting where you want to be, there's something else that's needed here, Moraine. You already know who he is - someone who can't talk intimately or be vulnerable or go to counselling. So the question now for you is what do you want to accomplish by reaching out to him? What new information will reaching out to him give you that will help you to get over him, or is it not about getting anything new from him, but doing this for you? And if that's the case, what does it do for you? Hope that helps!
Unswervingly dedicated to my profession/talent/career.
So, A, are you viewing this as a negative or positive or just neutral? And then ask yourself why.
I applied that unswerving dedication to people--to him, to my family, but neglected my creative and professional work because I've internalized that some kinds of dedication are selfish. All my creative power I siphoned into other people--partly because I value relationship above all else, but partly because I'm afraid to give that time to ambition or to my own work. I'm afraid my work isn't good enough or important. I'm also ashamed of and apologetic for any professional success I do achieve and won't own it. Imposter syndrome... and I give away my time and attention constantly.
I get it, A. Imposter syndrome is a big one for most of the women I work with. There's so much social/cultural/familial conditioning here on top of your tender empathic personality, I don't think you missed anything. What if this was just the beginning of a new story? Where selfish was giving to yourself so you could better serve others, where performance was measured in happiness instead of check-boxes, and where you didn't answer to anyone except the happiest version of yourself? Fantasy? Or what if we could make it your reality?
He makes me laugh
Curious to know what you would say about your own sense of humour, Roberta.
Confidence
How do you think you get that, Cassie? What would feeling confident look like to you in real life - in your life, specifically, not a cliché or someone else's definition of confidence - and how do you think someone who was really good at figuring things out like this would go about making a plan to become confident? You know where I'm going with this - I'm looking at you! 🙂
Self confidence, self Love and doing what you love
So what would it take for you to be confident about yourself, Ellen, to love who you are, and to shift your time and energy to make a plan to to do what you love? You're on the brink of something big!