Is it? Rita's wondering if it might be. Read on to see what you think, and then let her know in the comments below.
Her Story:
Hi Jane,
I started seeing a guy a little over a year ago, we have both been divorced about two years, I was married for 18 years and he was for 17 years, we both have one child, that are about a year apart in age, we live in different cites, about 45 minutes apart.
When we first started dating after about two months, he broke it off because he said (famous words of all men) he wasn't ready for what he thought I wanted, a serious relationship. After about a month (I knew he would be back) he started calling me again, so we started dating again, we never talked about the "serious relationship" thing.
We have such a wonderful time together, although that time is very limited due to our schedules with our kids, maybe once a week sometimes once every two weeks. I know he enjoys being with me and when we do see one another, we do usually end up spending the night together and no we don't always have sex, but our sex life is awesome!
We never go a day without talking, texting, he text me good morning, every morning. Our children have never met, he has met one of my friends and I have met one of his. He tells me how happy I make him and how wonderful I am, but still no commitment. I tell him sometimes (in a joking matter of course) that he keeps me hidden in the closet. I really do have feelings for him and I do think he does for me.
However, sometimes I do feel he could see me more if he wanted too and I have told him before that I feel I put more effort into seeing him then he does me. His response was that he would try.
We have gone on a weekend getaway together, which he surprised me with. I am ready for the commitment, I am ready to meet his child and have him meet mine.
My plan is to just ask him to think about where he wants our relationship to go, stay as it is or move forward, if he's not ready to commit after a year, will he ever be? After he ended it in the beginning I asked him if it was me that he didn't want a relationship with, he said that it had nothing to do with me, he just needed to figure things out!
But it's been over a year and we have yet to talk about it, I think it's time, what do you think? Help please, and just in case, we are both in our early 40's, we both have professional, stressful jobs.
I'm not saying I want to get married but I am ready for more then what he is currently giving me.
Thank you.
Rita
My Response:
Dear Rita,
He knows what you want from him, even if you don't have that conversation or talk; he knows.
He knows from all the subtle things you say, from all the hints you drop, from what you've said before. So whether or not you talk to him officially about all of this and try to get a timeline from him on when he will be ready, he already knows. What you've got from him right now is what he's comfortable giving you.
In my experience with men like this, he's not going to know when he'll be ready for what you're looking for from him (and, no, you're not asking for too much!) since it sounds like he's just happy with the way things are and not very motivated to do anything different outside of his current comfort zone.
So what this comes down to is you, Rita, and the fact that YOU are ready for more than he's currently giving you. The absolute best thing to do when you have a scenario like this is to keep living your own life and filling it with everything else that means something to you so that what he does or doesn't do becomes less of your focus.
I know that's so much easier said than done when you're waiting for him to be on the same page as you and you can't understand why he isn't there already when things are that good between you!
Decide what you can live with. And what you can't live with.
If you need to put everything on the table, then have that talk with him. But know that it may push him away. If it does, at least you know where he really stands. You're always better to know the honest truth of whether someone is on the same page as you then to go along assuming he is or is going to get there.
If he's not on your page, that doesn't mean you have to do anything or you can't be together, it just means you're choosing to accept a relationship with someone who isn't there so you have to adjust your expectations on what you can realistically expect from him.
If he's content with the way things are, you're not going to change him, no matter how amazing you are - and I know you are! You just have to decide what your terms are and what he is worth to you - what having him in your life is worth to you.
We can't make someone be on our page, but we can choose what to do with our own lives if he's not.
Most of all, Rita, listen to your own gut instincts here. You know him and the situation better than anyone else. If someone in the exact situation as you were asking you what to do, listen to what you would say to her to help you decide what to do.
And know that you're so not alone.
It doesn't matter how old both of you are or what your situation is, this scenario happens far too often to the best of us, and when it's time to do something different, trust yourself to make the best decision for that beautiful woman known as you!
Living without regrets is one of the best gifts you can give yourself, so as long as you can live with your decisions and choices and make the ones that give you the most peace and happiness, that's what matters!
Love,
Jane
Do you have anything you want to say to Rita? Tell her here - she needs to hear from you!
Dear Rita, I just left my boyfriend that I had been seeing for 10 months. He was really emotionally unavailable.... couldn’t express any feelings, very set in his ways and had no plans or dreams except to pay off his mortgage
I did tell him that I needed to hear how he felt about me once in a while... I am 64 years old and he is 68. I want to live fully my life for as long as I can.
For the first time in my life I chose me..
Please think of what you want and what you need!!! You are the most important person in your life Rita!!!
Good luck!!!
Move to the next guy, Rita, don't wait anymore. This one you're presently dating will regret and maybe call you back, and that will be time for to tell your conditions of relationship.
Rita, I totally understand this. I've been in a relationship for 17 years it was an abusive one all the way around. Before that I was married 12 years to an abuser also. But I started dating during the covid on a dating site, go figure. He's divorced to in his 50s just like me. We've not dated since before we got married almost 20 + years ago. It's definitely hard to understand what men want . Just like Jane said be happy for you, if he can't give you that , move on. Trust your gut. My man and I communicate well he knows what I want, at first it was hard. The whole trusting thing again. But if it's meant to be it'll work. God bless you 🙏
Hi Rita,
Believe me when I say your not alone in this relationship issue. I’m actually going through something similar. I have been in along distance relationship for over two years and we have a extremely strong connection and bond. Only he is married but separated and she still lives in the home because of his son. I’ve let him decide without questioning him on taking things to the next level and he has always done just that . Only after the biggest step for both of us! Which was his telling me he was in love with me and wanted me in his life on every level. He goes silent and gets distant, doesn’t reply to my text. Yes it kills me when he does it, but I know he has a lot on his plate . So I try to stay positive and give him space and be understanding especially with everything going on with Covid. I hadn’t heard from him in a while and I decided to tell him he either needs to love me and communicate with me or let me go. I wasn’t going to be ignored or set aside, that I love him but I need him to put effort into us. When I woke up the next morning he had texted me and apologized and explained that he wasn’t ignoring me on purpose and that he thinks about me daily and misses me and that he doesn’t want to loose me and push me away . He’s just going through some things that need his attention. So the reason I shared my story with you is because we as women assume the guy knows what we’re thinking or want and that couldn’t be further from the truth. See I assumed he knew how I was feeling. When in fact he had no idea I was feeling that way, because I never told him I needed more from him. Now that I have we are on the same page and looking to the future., My advice to you would be if you feeling like you need more from him . Then you should tell him how your feeling and why. He could be waiting for you to take it to the next level! Either way he needs to know how your feeling and hope for the best. I wish you all the best:)
Roberta
Roberta, I feel like you are also waiting....
2 years, my god what is he waiting for to move in with you? How long are YOU going to wait???
I agree Joanne about Roberta waiting and putting her life on hold and I’m sorry to say no man that loves a women will ignore her, it takes 2 seconds to send a txt!
I’ve played this game as well Roberta, it becomes a pattern and then they contact you and pull you back in. Be unavailable, enjoy your life
I'm in the same exact place. I had the talk after 13 months an he called me his best friend. So I ended it. Was to much anxiety with no certainty. Everything was amazing never had an argument. But he had it all without a commitment. I know my faith will get me through. It hurts so much. But I had to live myself enough to let go. Good luck.
Rita, this man has told you what he wants and where he stands, right now. Why do us women never listen to what a guy is telling us??? Can you accept your relationship as it is right now??? Personally what I would do, since your not in a "committed" relationship. I would keep on looking and dating other men. You don't have to tell him that your seeing other men, it's none of his business. If he can't commit to you, it could be his loss if you meet a really nice guy. That is kind of what I am doing right now. I would love to be with this one man, but he don't want to be in a committed relationship. Maybe your guy wants to keep his "options" open. I think if you put pressure on him he will take off again. Keep him around, but date others.
Time and time again I keep seeing and hearing about these men who don’t know how to commit or just don’t want to. It’s like they want their cake and eat it too! I don’t know if it’s the times we are living in now where women are more independent and make their own decisions about everything that maybe just maybe men are expecting women to be the ones to say and do things first. So maybe Rita this man you’re dating needs to be told what to do. He’s just going with the flow and maybe pulls away sometimes because he doesn’t know how to come across.
Or, maybe he’s coming to the realization that the relationship is real it’s really happening and it could lead to more commitments and he’s scared, nervous and not ready. I think men are always afraid of commitment because of so many different reasons but one of them is not being able to give you the life you deserve. Maybe at this time he has too many financial obligations to his former spouse and children and he just doesn’t know how to tell you that it’s about finances so he just pulls away. Some men turn into little boys and retreat when they don’t know how to handle or cope with things.
Can I ask you what’s your hurry to commit?!
I personally would give it another 6 months to a year and see how it goes. If after a year he’s still not making changes then it’s time to let go and move forward. He will either be afraid of losing you or he won’t. That’s when you’ll know where you stand with him.
Everyone deserves happiness and to be in a relationship where two people are committed to one another however, even in the best of relationships it’s not always going to be fun and love, or being on the same page. When a man wants to remain in a women’s life he will prove it by showing her he’s there for her no matter what. Actions speak louder than words! Be good to yourself and follow your instincts. God gave women that great capability. We know when we are wanted, loved, and when someone is just stringing us on. I hope everything turns out well. Many blessings!
Rita, I can completely relate. I was in the same boat. When I had the commitment talk, he left. It still is mind boggling as when we where together we where great!
Hi Rita!
I wonder what might happen if you weren't available when he would like to see you? Would he make more of an effort, if you were going on with doing things you yourself enjoy without him? Or doing the things you do as a couple on your own?
Sincerely, Karie
It is so interesting to me that when I read Jane's posts now after leaving a relationship of 9 years that was similar to yours, the off balance, wondering, hoping, inconsistent, type of relationship that you can never feel secure about. Her posts read so differently to me now. When I was in it, I was always looking for words in her posts to validate what I wanted to hear, even it it was only part of a statement she made. Now when I read them, I read every word and they have different meaning. I am reading it with clear lens, not the rose colored ones I used to have. She is right on the money, every time. But you have to listen to everything she says and pull your emotion out of it or keep re-reading until you get it.
If you don't, you will continue to keep trying harder to prove yourself worthy of his love and you will be continually chasing it. And when you do this long enough you start to get resentful. Resentful to the point that you start to question yourself, him and most things in your life. Until you hit the breaking point which is different for each of us. And then it is like a switch is flipped (that's what happened for me anyways) and I was able to walk away and everything became clear. I didn't blame, I looked inward to figure out why any of it was acceptable to me and what I needed to learn from it to heal something in me that was missing.
The most accurate piece of advise I found was "If they wanted to they would - if they don't , they wont. If they are NOT doing things that you feel are important... it's because they don't want to - or they would. It took Jane a long time to get that one through my head. But it is the absolute truth. If you like the way things are - then continue and understand that you made the choice and you have to let it go and be content with your choice. If you are not - you have to have the talk and clarify what your relationship is - even if you don't like what you hear.
Please listen to what Jane is saying here. She is absolutely always on point.
Love always,
Maggie
Hi Rita,
I am in the same situation. Actually been in a friendship zone for 6 years and we love each other but he not ready yet for a relationship. He tells me he does want to be with me but he don’t know when that will be.
I haven’t seen him for 2 years and he lives out of state 2 hours away.
I have been staying in touch with him and haven’t give up on him because I love him. We have known each other since we was kids and it’s a long story about us.
I’m being patient and understanding him. I’m just give it all to god.
I haven’t date anybody and been divorced 5 yrs. he has told me yeah go on out with your friends and if your not interested in them then don’t.
See he tells me this he wants to be with me. He has kids and focusing on his kids. I understand this.
All I can do is be patient and enjoy my own life. Try other opportunities don’t jump in a serious relationship.
Follow your heart. That’s what I tell him follow your heart and do what makes you happy. Stay strong!
I love him with all my heart he knows this. I can’t change him. If he wants me he knows how to reach me.
I put effort and sacrifice for him and his girls. He knows my heart and knows I have been there for him and his girls. He does appreciate me.
I want him to be happy and god will bring us to together.
Rita follow your heart and tell your man follow his heart. I wish you all the best in life and stay strong!
My name is sunshine. 😊❤️
Dear Rita,
I agree with Jane and would really think about that conversation before you have it. I am a bit older than you.. a lot older lol and if I could give my younger self any advice it would be to trust the Universe has your back and to stop trying to control outcomes. When we are in a relationship we are not always at the same stage of progression and to try to get him to meet you where you are because you’re ready isn’t fair to him. Take a look back and see how far you’ve come in your relationship and that will give you a measure of how it’s progressed even if you feel you haven’t. It sounds like you have a good guy and those aren’t easy to come by. If you let him go because he’s not fitting into your timeline you may and probably will find someone who may be very eager to comply with your timelines but I can almost guarantee he may not be who you’re looking for. Part of our own personal growth is recognizing when our experiences are learning opportunities. What lesson are you to take away from this place you’re in? I always ask myself this and trust me there is always a lesson for us. For me if I were you I would think it may be patience, awareness of how happy you are with your life exactly as it is which would bring you to gratitude. Trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, however that evolves. I hope some of this makes sense to you. It’s how I live my life and it always turns out how it’s supposed to for me and J always learn something from my experiences. They have all contributed to my personal growth. Hope it works out for you, I have a feeling it will.
Amen! Great advise!
This is like a carbon copy of my situation with the man I am currently seeing. Both in early 40s, not met kids, been together just over a year , no commitment talk, rarely see each other due to other commitments, feel hidden away and keep telling him I'm like his dirty little secret!
I want to have the conversation with my man, but then chicken out because I don't want to rock the boat. Like me, you deserve so much more, but it's difficult when you have feelings for the other person and you don't know where you stand, so the fear holds you back....
I hope you can find the courage to tell him what you really want, and how you actually feel 🙂
I agree with Jane... he knows what you want.
I have a very similar story. I am 41 btw. I wrote in and took janes advice and we are now looking for houses and planning on getting married!
This is what I did and my advice is the same for you. I kept my options open. I accepted that he may never want anything more than he was giving me but that I needed more for my life and deeply desired a forever commitment and to build a life with the man I loved. So, I accepted he doesn’t have to be the man I love.
I told him about a year ago what I wanted. He said at that time he didn’t think we had a future. I told him that for now that was fine but someday I would want more and I would assume nothing has changed unless he told me so. I started flirting and opening my messages etc.... he got upset. I reminded him of the “no future”. He said that has changed and he thought I knew!
Ok- 6 months goes by without a word of our relationship.... I start thinking this is never going to happen. I was not having this conversation again- I was not going to feel like I was giving ultimatums or trying to convince him to be with me! My attitude became “I know what I want and somebody will give it to me.” I accepted it may not be him and what I wanted and that I might be building this life alone. And I was going to be happy about it!
I remembered I am not wearing a ring and if he loses me because he isn’t claiming me, that’s his problem and it’s likely to happen!
One night he called me before bed, like every night, and was telling me how much he missed me, and he says “do you ever think about where our relationship is going?” (I was very nonchalant- like, oh, sometimes I guess!) he started talking about timelines and everything he wanted. He told me he started feeling like he was going to lose me if he didn’t step up. He loves me and doesn’t want to live his life without me.
Jane told me to do nothing. To put nothing more into the relationship. And that’s what I did. The relationship was no longer on my mind all the time. I was on my mind. Every opportunity that came to me I saw for an opportunity. Nothing was weighed against his thoughts or actions. I mentioned moving once, I mentioned building a house....I let him know I was planning my life without him!
So happy for you, Cami. LOVE getting this update from you!
Well, I am going to be very frank with you... yes he knows how you feel but he doesn't care enough, love you enough or give a dam about how you feel. He wants you only when he wants you; ask me how I know? I have been seeing a guy for over 4 years and at first we agreed that we eventually wanted the same thing out of a relation. Then about a year ago he just changed, you see men that don't give-a-dam they wheel you in and you fall deeply in love with them, so much that you fear letting them go. Jane is 100% right, "go on with your life and do things that make you happy" eventually you will meet someone that wants the same thing as you. I'm a living witness that its not easy, keep praying and keep moving forward until you meet that man of your dreams.
I agree, if you gave hints, expressed your goals for the relationship and he continues as is, then you must decide if you can accept that or not. If he wanted more, it would be done already. He said he would try, has he really? Words are pointless if his actions don't support it. So what do you want? To wait - then increase your involvements away from him so he realizes you don't live just for him.
If it is better to leave, then just go. Either way put yourself 1st and you will be alright either way!
If he's not meeting your needs walk away
I think it’s fair for you to lay your cards on the table. Jane is right, he may know what you want by assumption from little things you say, but maybe a conversation about what you want in a restaurant won’t hurt. Don’t make it about what you want from him, but what you’re ready for in a relationship. I did this recently with the man I’m dating. He’s been divorced one year and I’ve never been married. I felt relieved when I told him what I want. I also asked that he let his guard down if he may want the same. After all, what do we have to lose, other than each other. If the conversation pushes him away, then so be it. He’s not the man for you. You deserve the best.
CORRECTION! My last note should say relationship NOT RESTAURANT. It must have autocorrected.