I was once that girl with a traumatized heart and soul, with the harshest lessons learned about love and sex and life. I feel your pain, every part of it that you're going through.
I was once that girl, too.
But I know something more from going it through it than I could ever have known then. There's so much more for you in spite of - and even because of - what you've been through.
So I say to you what I wish someone could have said to me back when I walked in similar shoes.
Love hasn't left you behind.
Love hasn't forgotten about you.
You did the best you could with what you knew.
And there will come a day when you look back on where you are right now and whisper a quiet "thank you" to this heartbreak, to this boy, because you were made for so much more than this.
Yes, you'll see it so clearly then.
But for now, and this is the most important lesson I could have learned along the way, the lesson about me, not about him, or any him.
Forget all the big lessons, forget all the things you're supposed to now know and do. I'm breaking this all down for you into what really matters right here, right now.
It's enough if you refuse to beat yourself up like I did for what you can never know at the time. It's enough if you promise yourself to never leave your side along the way. It's enough if you forgive yourself if you don't get it right the next time or the time after that, and it's enough if you find it within yourself to trust that somewhere, somehow, there really is an epic, legendary love out there for you.
I promise you it won't look a thing like you expected it to. In fact, it will probably look like something else.
But when it finds you - and oh how it will! - you will never wonder why again.
It's enough if you just stop being so hard on yourself and stop putting such unrealistic standards on you for that part of you that always reads these things as you must try harder, to stop putting these impossible perfectionistic expectations on you!
It's been so much more than enough!
And if I'm talking to you, you know I want to meet you in the comments below. You share my heart, girl. I love nothing more than having the honor of meeting you!
Love,
Jane
One click of the robot can bring you thousands of bucks.
Link - https://is.gd/FdmIfm
I have been beating myself up because I want to know what I did wrong for my guy to end it with a text message. I feel like I should have gotten more than that after being in a relationship with him for 18 months. I guess I will probably never know. I hope one day I can look back at this relationship and laugh but am just not feeling that right now.
But that's the problem, Pam. You feel you should have gotten more than that because of what 18 months of being in a relationship with him meant to you, but he doesn't see it like that. This is why you're getting your answer in his actions here and you should stop beating yourself up. The only thing you're guilty of is thinking he sees things the way you do. He doesn't. Give yourself a break here. This is not a reflection of you. He's simply not capable of responding in the manner another man who does see this the way you do would handle this - and it wouldn't be via text message. Stop wondering and putting this on you. He ended it with a text precisely because he's not truly compatible and on the same page with you!
I swear this email was sent to me this morning by you through my guardian angel. I just last night had a talk with the guy I have been dating for the last 4 months. I asked him nicely where this is going with me and what I am to him. He answered sounding a bit suprised..."I am totally consumed with finding a new job (he just lost a high paying job he had for 15 years), we have an hour distance with us, I am not seeing anyone else but you can if you want to." I was falling for him. My heart sunk into my chest as I tried to hold back my teary voice. He said he wants me to still call and text him! Why, to prolong my heartache some more?? I am done here. Thank you for that email!
So glad it helped, D. Of course he wants you to still call and text him. This is clearly so much about him and what he needs without considering the effect this would have on you!
I don't beat myself up, and I got over being a perfectionist a long time ago. But I'm still not sure the kind of love you're talking about is in my future, Jane. And the weird thing is, it's not because there's anything wrong with me (although I've had my share of trauma and poor role models) - it's because I can't figure out what it is I really want! I'm 62, I'm gay, and I go to church, which already means my slice of available prospects is small. I mean tell most lesbians you go to church, and they're running in the opposite direction...Do I want kids? Absoutely not. Do I want to get married? I doubt it. Do I want to live with someone? Not sure. And yet in some undefined way, I want someone to be 'my person'. Do I need to define that more first, or will I recognize it when and if I find it?
I said it would look different, Anne, and that's the part I'm especially saying to you. Ironically, it's your uniqueness that sets you apart and enables you to find someone who's looking for exactly you. Even if that narrows the field, you were never looking for a field, just someone who sees you and sees themselves being a match with you!
Thanks Jane, that's really helpful. I didn't want to say my situation is 'unique', because that's what most people say, and in fact I'm similar to a lot of your readers in that in the past I've settled for emotionally unavailable people and taken crumbs. But my lifestyle and goals are 'different', and because now I'm very conscious of what sets me apart, and owning that - I don't want to have a scarcity mindset but it's hard not to sometimes. Can I borrow your confidence while I work on my own?
It's all yours!
Your message hit home. I lost my husband to cancer 4 years ago. Last year I met a guy I fell head over heels for. It took him a year but I finally give up. He's seeing another woman and all I want to know is "why not me?" I know it's him, but that doesn't lessen the pain and fear that I'll never be loved again. How do I stop missing him? I was finally accepting my husband's death and this has hit me like another death.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Marie. In my experience I can tell you she's not you and you wouldn't want him if he's more compatible with someone else. Of course it still hurts, in fact, I always found these harder to get over than the finality of losing someone you couldn't still bump into or think about because it felt more like a rejection than a tragedy. You don't stop missing him; that only makes you miss him more. Instead, accept you miss the man you thought he was, the life you imagined the two of you having together, and validate that of course you would miss someone who meant as much to you as he did. But you need him to reciprocate, to feel the same way, to not be more compatible with someone else than he was with you. I'm looking at the long term here and I know how these turn out when you're not with someone truly compatible with and on the same page as you. If you told me all about him, I'd find you so many reasons why you're better off ending here than going any further with him. Don't try to to see it now before you're ready or you'll just end up missing him more. I've been there, I've walked through this similar scenario with too many women to count, and I can assure you that you haven't lost nearly what it feels like you have. But it takes some time to detach enough from all those feelings of where you two were headed before you can see it for yourself. Sending you love tonight. I know words only help so much.
I have been married 3 times. Real lasting love has Eluded me. I am a strong, kind hearted lady and have ethics. I am now 62 yrs old my heart longs for someone who will accept me unconditionally and love me as me.
I seem to attract the wrong type of man.
That's a start, Carolyn, recognizing that it's the wrong type of man that's attractive to you and not anything wrong with you. A different guy will give you a whole new perspective of yourself; don't let these three keep you from having the love you deserve; beginning with a different type of man who's nothing like these men who obviously have something in common that gets a hold on you. You're worth not giving up yourself!
Hi..i can relate to pieces of almost every story here, I had a marriage of 15 good years and 3 more while collapsingand heading to end...so there i was looking at the empty closet after he took all his clothes,and saying that it was too painful for him.to see how I rejected him and my denial to do anything to save the relationship ..I felt guilty, confused,lost, not knowing what to do, then out of nowhere,this guy appears on my life and even tho at first didn't crossmy mind for any romantic involvement, little by little he starting to get on my mind and hearth more than I could control it, now it has been 3 years...and we have this no title relationship that is more like me doing most of the effort to keep it going, his low effort ,his non commitment, his interaction with other women, and im still around. I love him, but idk if I want to continue anymore...I don't feel loved most if that time and my trust is broken,every time that seems like is going to be over, we go back to it again. But , idk if is worth. Thanks
Sky11,
I am so sorry you are hurting, but I can tell you with absolute confidence that you will look back at this experience and thank God or the universe that things happened the way they did to push you forward on your own journey. I am divorced 7 years and felt the most god awful pain a person could feel in their own heart when my ex told me he wanted a divorce (he was cheating on me), but I got through it and to my surprise one day, about a year ago now, my ex apologized to me. That was the one thing I always thought I needed from him to move on, but to my surprise I realized his apology meant nothing to me when he said it. I never needed that apology and I never needed that closure because once I was able to heal my issues and was able to take some personal responsibility for picking such a man and own my part in my marriage, I learned that this was my journey to take and my lessons to learn about myself. It was never about him. I realized I was worthy of love and that I could have that kind of love that Jane talks about. I haven't found him yet, but I know he's out there and he's out there for you, too. Just remember to be good to yourself during this process and stay strong within your heart. You'll need that strength more than ever right now, but please take it from someone who has been there and knows that the sun will shine way brighter on the other side of all of this. I promise you will be so much happier and you will be proud that you chose yourself.
Thank you so much for sharing, Heidi.
Beautiful, Heidi. Thanks for sharing your story, too. I've so sorry for what you've been through and how ironic that when that apology finally came, it meant nothing like you thought it would. You learned something so valuable - the power you have over your own life and over yourself without needing someone from yet another external source to allow you the freedom to move on. It's never about what we think it is; as you discovered, it was what you needed to give yourself!
Thank you, Jane. This really hits home because it is so easy to be hard on ourselves when we’re doing all we know how to do. But you are right, when we have beautiful hearts, things will turn out for us in a way we didn’t even imagine. And yes to stop being so hard on ourselves! Had a really rough day last week and starting the next day I was getting hold of all these things that you mentioned here, so I really appreciate your article, it’s so helpful and I am going to be referring back to it as needed. But this time, not to check to see if I did all the things that it said, I’m giving that perfectionism up. Thank you!
So glad it helped, DM. Perfectionism causes so many problems. Be proud of yourself for identifying this!
I still find it hard to open up right now.. but just wanted to say that your emails really help me emotionally. Thank you so much for caring
Oh I'm glad, Angie. That's enough to know. Sharing your heart, girl. Can't imagine not caring for all the things I'm sure you've been through.
I feel so much for a man who crossed my path 4 times and we acted on the 4rth ! Even though I was married, this man became my best friend , we have helped Escher other , did things together I feel we are soul mates but he has been hardened by 2 relationships and I no better in my marriage.we were only to be a fling , yet 2 years later here we are business relationship , personal, and friends but we aren’t committed he says ! I believe we are , I’m just not sure how to move on with him , he so stubborn yet he says he loves me ! Maybe one day that wall will crumble , maybe I have to leave , do he misses me perhaps ! I don’t know , ty for the newsletters I do enjoy them .... fondly Anne
Men like this rarely ever let you go, Anne. They know what they have and they have it so good. We allow them. We enable them. And they fill a need in us, too. I'm glad you're enjoying my messages. I hope they empower you in a way that give you clarity to know what you need to do for you when you're ready to figure out what that looks like. You can't move on with him without clarity and he's content without it. Much love to you, sweet soul!
Thank you Jane. I really really needed this today - to focus on not beating myself up. I am seeing my pattern so clearly these days, and I'm seeing so clearly what I need to stop doing and what I need to do differently. It's been very hard for me not to hate myself for my folly in repeating the pattern of trying so hard with unavailable guys. But beating myself up and hating myself only makes things so much worse so I'm going to write a letter to myself today about being on my own side and having understanding and compassion for myself. Thanks again for your article that was just what I needed.
I'm so glad this resonated with where you are right now, Audrey. That compassionate letter to yourself will help. So will using words like love instead of harsh words like hate. It's because it's so familiar we keep using them and saying the same things and repeating the same patterns. If you know what to do but struggle to do it, that makes you human, not unlovable, not unworthy, not so bad or all wrong. Human. And you know what? Human is a beautiful place to come from and it attracts more of what you're actually looking for, not less. I'd stay here for as long as you need to. Letting the human part sink in. Perfectionism never comes from us; it's put on us and we need to get really clear on how to recognize it early to get it off. Sending you love and compassion and understanding tonight. That's what you always needed instead.
Hello Jane. I feel like this message was directly to me. Things ended with my guy of 3 years last night, in the worst way, I have never been so disrespected by someone, especially by someone i thought was my best friend.
My heart is broken and I'm looking at Day 1 of No Contact with absolute fear and dread. I'm going to have to change and uproot my whole life. I wonder if one day I really will look back and say thank you to this heartbreak, to this terrible night.
I'm so sorry, Sky11. Maybe not thank you, but if it could end, there's always a reason it does. Why else couldn't it continue? Why else wouldn't it grow stronger? You'll find your answers when you're ready; don't rush this. Disrespect is so symptomatic of something much deeper and it sounds like the resentment that could lead to such treatment of you was building for some time. Take this one day at a time. Take extra good care of yourself right now. If there's a road back, you'll find one together. And if not, that's not all yours to carry. Oh my heart goes out to you. I know how awful this feels!
Thank you Jane. I’m on day 4 and it’s still hard but not like those first days. I do believe you know how it feels. As I believe you once said ... I just couldn’t make him love me. At least ... not enough. Nothing I could do would ever be enough for him, while others would get his attention by doing much less. Not really sure where to go from here yet. Such a long lonely road ahead of me now.