If last night was another night you couldn't sleep because of something you said or did that you can't let go of (because of how messed up everything became after the fact), it's time you had some grace and compassion and understanding for you.
Yes, you.
See, you have it for everyone else. You go out of your way to excuse and understand and see the best in and give everyone else you're invested in, the benefit of the doubt. But for you, it's a different story.
There's no compassion or grace in the way you look at your imperfections. There's only judgement and disdain for how you look upon what you should have known better and should have done differently instead of what you did.
So when he called you out on the very thing you were trying to prevent, when he turned it on you because you were trying so hard to be perfect you forgot you were human, too, it only added insult to injury on how you were already feeling about yourself.
Let it go.
If there's something to apologize for, apologize. If there's something you need to do to make amends, do that. But if this is just one more example of what being with someone who demands nothing less than perfection of you because you demand the same thing of yourself, is doing to you, look there instead.
You were never supposed to be perfect. You're supposed to be real!
You're never going to prevent everything you're trying to prevent, so stop trying so hard in the first place. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Practice owning the truth of who you are instead of the image someone said you were supposed to be.
You're going to find that the more you can laugh at yourself and the less serious you take yourself, the more accepting of those same imperfections you fear getting out, every one else will also be.
See, we're still showing up teaching people how to treat us. And when we reveal our standards we set for ourselves as perfect with no room for grace or compassion and understanding, we only attract more of that theme.
Let it go today. Have that cry. Release that pain.
Give yourself that understanding and compassion you so desperately need yourself. Every thing will look better from there.
Even with what you said. Even with what you did. And if it doesn't, if there's no grace left for you, let that tell you who someone really is, not just who you aren't, for a change.
My heart breaks for you if this is you, girl. Where have you been and what must you have gone through that could have made such behavior so acceptable to you?!
Love,
Jane
I've read all these comments pretty much with my mouth open. First of all, thank you to all you beautiful women who are so honest and open with your comments. It is so helpful and real to share your feelings and know that your words are mine.
I relate to each of these comments- trying to please everyone and losing myself on the way, a mother that always expected more and never said I was good enough as who I was, partners including husband who found it self satisfying to belittle me, expect me to cater to them and not give anything back, and as Renaye said- even women with expectations of being able to turn to me with their problems and heartbreak but never asking about me. Pouring out my heart to men who walked away without a word.
I could go on and on. No matter what I'm going through I always seem to be the one who apologises to everyone else and tries to make sure that everyone else is ok, to the point of feeling I was so irrelevant and insignificant that no one cared about what I needed.
I can't say I've turned the corner because I'm still doing this, but when I do I am aware of it and tell myself that I do matter- seems no one else will tell me that so I keep reminding myself and making those small steps to not feel guilty about taking care of me.
Thank you everyone- we do matter and we are important.
This totally resonates with me. Thank you
I feel like you wrote this personally to me thank you
Felt like this acknowledged so many feelings I have. Taking deep breaths, and ready to love myself and, allow myself to be human and be more and more of who I am since I already am enough. So are you. I wondered if I expected too much.....I wanted more kindness, integrity and empathy and not just for me but mostly towards others. I see now that I was not expecting too much. I felt loved in the comfort of the familiar. We love each other and he'd be fine for a friend but not my life partner. Letting go. Ready to receive.
Oh my God. This was in my email this morning. He broke up with me for good last night. We have been doing the back and forth for months. He is classic emotionally unavailable and narcissistic. What the hell happened? Why would I allow someone to treat me this way? What is wrong with me? Why do I keep attracting this in both men and women? After months of soul searching and reading, I finally get it. I can't attract different if I don't think differently about me. That's the hard part us changing that inner dialogue. Lots of work to be done on that. The hardest part is loving someone so much and not being able to have them. I sent him that message on how I Iove and miss him. I poured my heart out. He may never see it as he may have me blocked. But I said it. And I got it out for now. I am scared and destroyed on so many levels. I will try to repair and heal. Can I? Will I ever love again? I can't see that far. Today it is tears and wishing. That is all I have. And if all I ever do is stand for my needs and wants, at least I will never allow this again. I did know better before it ever started. Now I must learn to listen to me. Maybe I can glue the pieces together and move on. I hope.....
I was in a dating relationship with a guy who thought I was this Very ideal woman and after a few months , I got ghosted ...because of being true to myself and what I wanted . Not just to have funny and light conversations with this guy but also to see how he stood when things got serious ... not knowing where I stood, trying to guess how he felt with him not communicating his feelings with me - left me figuring out what was wrong with me . Until I Snapped out of it and much as I miss him , I knew we weren’t in the same page and maybe I should not take it personally . He was looking for someone he wanted me to be , and I was not that ...
I just Need and want to learn to be more positive and like myself and not be so judge mental and hard on myself because my whole life I’ve expected myself to be perfect and I’ve always chose the wrong people and I don’t know why? I don’t know why I don’t like myself? I guess the way I was raised my mom has a perfectionist and my dad always wanted a boy so anyway yeah I’m broken and I’m trying to be better
I was set up to fail to have a healthy adult relationship...from being a child/girl growing up with both parents being narcs..
Mistreatment is the norm for me...feeling unlovable & not good enough is something I was programmed to believe..& that love can be conditional & used to punish...
When I did what was expected of me...towed the line..accepted that I had no voice..no feeling .thoughts or opinions that mattered....I did not matter...I suffered every kind of abuse a child can go through...& it has taken me from age of 7 to nearly 50 to finally speak out ...so that little girl that was so loving & forgiving just to be loved..finally had a voice...because...I do matter...
Never again will I accept mistreatment . Abuse..just because it feels familiar ..what I have learned...is that
To suffer is not being loved..
It's being punished by someone that is incapable of loving..
Hurt people..hurt people..to make them selves feel better.
Emotionally damaged people.. damage people emotionally to make them feel better...
They hate people that love unconditionally .because you're everything they are not....but people will always show you who they are eventually ....believe them....& never doubt that feeling in your belly....that's the child screaming quietly you're reliving your past...just hoping for a better..different outcome....its not about how others see you.accept you love you....but more about how you see yourself..accept yourself & love yourself.....
Be confident in who you are..& never allow anyone to make you believe different...you are beautiful & amazing..& they know it...
It's just ya playground bully ...but you're not a child anymore....you choose how you allow people to treat you...by how you treat yourself..
I feel your pain....xx
that is my story too i'm just 50 and can't seem to get rid of being a victim. where do i start
Mmm...it's like you were looking in my window this morning. Even my boss tells me not to be so hard on myself. Guilty as charged. Thanks for the reality check and taking the time. It's much appreciated.
Yes, this was so for me this morning! First thing from coming in to work and checking my email, there it was! WOW!!! Everything that i have done or said, i just need to apologize and let it go! Thank you for this great post/email!!!!
Hi. This is exactly me! I was brought up this way by mom. Nothing was ever right. We weren't thin enough. Something what we wore didn't match, weight was not good for the outfit, hair was not right this dat. Etc. I still worry with each man I meet/date. I worry so much that I get nauseous. We date awhile, usually weeks, and they disappear with nothing said. It leaves my mind imaging it's all me, why this, why that...if only I did this or that. It makes me not feel good about myself every time until I do it all over. Thank you.