You already know he should be the one reaching out. And yeah, you shouldn't have to be the bigger person here. But we're not talking about hypotheticals here; we're talking about you.
And if it's your heart that's breaking and you're the only one who's capable of feeling anything, this is your window to do something about it.
He'll move on. He'll find someone else who accepts him just as he is even as she's nothing like you and never will be.
I've seen this play out too many times.
But we're not talking about him here, we're talking about you. You're the one who has to live with your regrets, not your friends telling you to dump him, that you deserve so much more than what you're putting up with.
I tell you that!
But if your heart is the one that's breaking, if you're the one who can't eat, can't sleep, can't do anything but think about him day and night and you're barely functioning as it is, is it really going to be worse to be the one to say "I miss you" and let him find his way back if he's got it in him?
Not telling him how to fix it, not airing your grievances about everything that's wrong. Not what he needs to do. Not what you're missing that he used to do. Not anything chastising, controlling, criticizing that he can't take.
Yeah he should be able to do his own work to fix this and no, you shouldn't have to be the one who reaches out first.
You already know all that.
But if this isn't just the beginning, if you actually have any kind of a history with this guy and you've shared enough to have the kind of relationship where you can say how you feel, then say it. Not with drama, not with expectations, not with putting anything on him.
Just own where you are. Own what you feel and say it in as simple and short terms as possible without anything about him.
He's got that part or he doesn't.
He either hears you and responds back with something, or he can't even hear this and you hear nothing at all and have your answer. But if there's anything left to be salvaged, you owe it to yourself to say what you actually feel before that window closes, regardless of whether you should ever have to in the first place.
We're not talking about “shoulds” here; we're talking about your breaking heart, your upended life, and what you actually want, not what everyone says you're supposed to want or what you absolutely deserve.
We're talking about you here and being able to live at peace with yourself with the least amount of regrets possible. I've seen too many heartbroken women just like you after that window closes living with the regret of not saying what you were waiting for him to say first.
Yes, you'll find someone else. Yes, you'll move on from here and your heart won't always be breaking like this. But right now, you have a decision to make.
Can you live with yourself if you do nothing right now about this?
Love,
Jane
Are you here, Beautiful? Have you been here before? Love to hear where you are today, tell us in the comments below. You're not alone, you have options, and there is always a choice!
Thank you. Well, as of tonight he loves me and I love him and we both want to try to figure us out. I told him how I feel and he hugged me and kissed me.
It's hard because he lives minutes from my house. He has to drive by my house every time he leaves his. I hold on to the lessons he's taught me about myself and what I deserve because he always spoke highly of me and to me. He even told me he could love me to no end at one time. He was there for me through alot and I know he cares for me but I know we are not in the same place. He's a great guy but I can't hold on to him. No matter how amazing he thinks I am because I know he does if a man isn't ready he's just not ready and it's better to know now than after you've invested so much time and feelings into something that just isn't for you. I have to show him that I understand but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. That I don't miss him but I will not allow him to think that I'm okay with what he wants just because of who he is to me. I don't cry about it anymore. I've made my stance and I have to stick by it because I have value and he always told me that he loved how I carried myself and I carry myself like I demand respect and he's right...I do including by him.
I've read this several times today because it's what I've done just a few days ago to someone that I allowed myself to get close to because he was allowing himself to do the same. I didn't put anything on him except that he came to ME and he continued to come back when I always allowed space for him to walk away before feelings got involved but HE continued to come back when I would simply make myself unavailable and clear that I wasn't going to be on stand by or take his bread crumbs. I stood my ground. I expressed my self worth, my standards, my self love. I made it known that I would not be in his lineup of women to choose from no matter how much cared or the outcome of my expression. Regardless of knowing that he could possibly walk away because I wasn't going to fold for him no matter how much it hurt me. I took the window...I crawled through it and made myself be seen and heard by him. I am the prize. He knows it too. He's just not deserving of who I am. I've lost something precious to me but not as precious as myself. Thank you for always saying the right thing because I had already done so few days ago and I feel now I can move on because I've made myself more important than him and what we shared. He has to see me go now...not me see him go. He will value that in me weather we ever speak again or not because I love myself more than I love him. I deserve to have standards in the way I am treated. Standards that I have set in order to show men in what standard they should treat me because it's what I want and deserve. Sincerely, a dedicated reader.
Oh Laura, I wish I had some of that strength you seem to possess. I know I do actually, but something in me keeps pulling me back so strongly. How did you break that tie? How do you keep the good memories from making you sad?
You've captured every bit of the feeling I'd hoped to convey in here, Laura. Yes, courage and wisdom to know when you've done everything within your power and it's STILL not enough so you can finally say I miss you but I won't be disrespected by you - and realize it was always a choice all along. That's the power I'm talking about. Even through our tears. Much love to you, girl. I hope you finally have some peace. ❤
Thanks Jane,
I find more peace every day that I don't reach out to him and take time to heal my heart. We live down the street from each other so it's not the easiest thing not to reach out but I'm doing the work.
He was an extremely important person in my life and I miss our conversations but I know if he genuinely cares for me he will value and respect my decision in having to take time away from this and be able to set a standard on the kind of behavior that I can and cannot accept, especially from him. Isn't that what we should be seeking most of all and isn't it our responsibility to set healthy boundaries and value for ourselves so that other's will respect and value us as much as we do ourselves. How can we expect that from other's especially men if we don't do that for ourselves first.
The problem I’m having with this is I think he feels challenged even more to try to get me back. I’ve flat out told him no to leave me alone then he try’s even harder and I eventually cave because “I care about him”. 🙄. Then I get mad at myself for the circular behavior. I need to be strong like you!❤️
Oh wow -this is exactly where I’m at.
I really need to find out what changed with him, I honestly believed he was happy with the way things were going.
You would think at our age we would have this figured out.
We were going along so great -then out of the blue, he was done-no fight-no warning-just gone.
I have nothing left to lose -not eating,sleeping now
Enjoy reading your comments-thoughts!
So sorry Shelley, if it helps at all, I'm right there with you. You're not the only one feeling this way right now. ❤️
Give a little time and reach out one last time with that simple tone of care, Shelley. If nothing definitive comes back, this isn't anything you can fix.
This is my second relationship this year. Started off good seeing him a lot. It’s only the third month of being official and I barely see him. Only once a month maybe. I’m sick of relationships lol. Men pull away too easily and I’m not one for games. I’m off that little boy ish. It’s either he’s with me or not. I’ve already told him many times about it that if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship then let me know. I’ve told him about communication. Lately he’s been busy. So that tells me one thing. Welp, another failed relationship lol. My soul mate is somewhere out there I can feel it.
No, not another failed relationship, Lita. Another reality check!
Yes. I have been there. But I won't give up my boundaries. I.made that mistake in the past it it sucked in the end.
If it's in the realm of boundaries, Ramona, you've given up far too much already!
He is with my sister,and they live with me.He lashes at me know and then.
Boundaries, Glenda. Detach when this happens again and calmly and matter of factly say "you sound upset". you're your own separate person!
Thank you Jane for your honest words, however, I am not in that boat. I was at one time. I thought I couldn't live without him, but I don't feel that way anymore. It took a lot of soul searching to realize I don't "need" a guy, and I definitely don't need one that is overbearing and selfish...and only calls or texts when it's convenient for him. I always would just settle because I was desperate. I want to thank you for your words that has helped me through the years. I also would like to tell everyone out there who is struggling that it's going to be okay, but first you need to trust yourself and Love yourself. God Bless.
Same to you, Lora. Sounds like you found your peace!