What No One Ever Told You About Attraction and Compatibility

I work with a lot of divorced women who are doing this the second time around. And there's a pattern I've noticed.

The guy they chose their first time around isn't the one they're choosing this time. What they learned about their first choice is influencing their second choice.

Whether this is your own first search or you're like them, doing this the second time around, I've got something invaluable to tell you to help you in your own search.

If you're a deep and sensitive person and choose the macho guys-guy kind of men, unless you've changed who you are, your next guy needs to be a deep and sensitive guy, too. These women have found that just because their original guy lit them up because he was so different from them and they were like, "Hey, what's it like to be you?!" doesn't mean they're actually compatible with this type of guy.

If these women went for the deep and sensitive guy because once again it was exciting to meet someone so different from them, and they're actually the strong, take charge kind of women, their second time around kind of guy needs to be a strong, take charge kind of man.

The truth of who you are and the truth of who your guy is, always (always!) comes out in the end.

Attraction means - "Hey, you're different from me so I'm more than a little curious about you", or "I'm hoping to get more in touch of the parts of myself that are like you that I've never been in touch with before."

But that's it.

So when you get stronger in yourself, so when you become more of those things that are like him, now what? Now you're bored. Now you're irritated, annoyed, frustrated and ready to move on. You don't need him like you used to for the same reasons that you used to, because you found what you were really searching for - permission to be all of you!

How long it takes for that to happen depends on how open you are to seeing what you've got, and how committed you are to working on what you've got.

But you can't be the only one doing that work here! If HE's not doing that same work, committed to looking at your differences and doing his own work to find a bridge between the two, it can't be up to you or you're going to be stuck in "frustrated and mad", or "sad and hurt."

Pick one. But first ask yourself if you're looking for someone you're only attracted to, or if you want someone you're actually compatible with over the long run.

You're always going to be attracted to a guy who's so different from you simply because of the fact that he IS so different from you and gives you an opportunity to try on a different way of being for size just by being around him and absorbing how someone else lives their life.

Sure, that attraction can last for awhile, virtually as long as you want it to. But remember, he's doing the same thing as you.

You light him up because you're so different from him. And for most of you that I coach, it's your ability to feel, to express emotions, to have a place to go with your feelings that you're comfortable with in your everyday lives or when something significant happens, that makes him so attracted to you because this is his sole area that's so lacking and void of any guidance on what to do.

But this comes with a price.

Because before you know it, if this is your relationship, you're seeing him so clearly with your extra sensitive emotional intelligence that he's turning into your personal project and you're working overtime from your regular job just to fix him.

This doesn't work in the long run - for you or for him.

You because you lose yourself in a project like this. And him, because eventually he discovers you can't do this work for him, this deep work is required from him AND it's uncomfortable, and he gets triggered by an all too familiar kind of feeling that has your emotional caretaking of him coming across overwhelmingly as controlling.

Once he's gone there, it's only a matter of time before he starts to want out, so either you lose yourself and want out first - which of course, rarely happens because losing ourselves in someone is something all too familiar to us, or he feels something familiar he labels controlling in his world, and starts to check out.

How long you can keep this type of relationship going depends on how long he can have some emotional distance without you wanting more, or how long you can handle losing yourself all while you're sensing that you're losing him because he's pulling away.

This is why choosing someone you're attracted to is only the beginning. The most important part is your true compatibility.

How well do you handle real life things that inevitably come up in any relationship? How well do you both communicate? What are your expectations around communication? What about things like values and morals and ethics and integrity - and parenting styles if children are involved? How do you each handle money and finances? Where are you politically? How do you handle in-laws and friends?

Then there are your priorities with careers, what you love to do in your spare time, what you hate to do in your spare time, and whether you're an introvert or an extrovert.

Here's your take-away. It's simple. Life gets real, fast.

Staying in a surface place of attraction when there are so many more things to come isn't preparing you for real life with this person you're feeling such an attraction to. That's only okay if your eyes are wide open that this is the most important thing in your relationship and you're up for seeing where it goes.

BUT, and this is a big one, if you know you want more, and that more involves a lot of life to live with someone that goes so beyond attraction, then make sure your eyes are equally as wide open to the reality of what a real relationship means.

Attraction is an awesome thing, but it's a short term reality check. Compatibility has the endless possibilities of lasting for as long as you both choose to make it last. Yes, you need attraction to make that compatibility last, but both are every bit as important, and never to the exclusion of the other.

Clear?

Let me know in the comments below if you're not. This is a big one and I want to make sure you nail this one now, while we're having this conversation, inspired by so many of you!

Love,

Jane