She said she can’t let go. She needs him to let her go instead because she’s not strong enough to do it.
Okay, so I hear her and I hear all of her echoing where you are and what you feel. The pull you feel is too strong. The good stuff you get from this guy is too good and the bad stuff, while it breaks your heart, well, you can justify it as long as you keep focusing on the good parts.
So here’s what you need to hear today if you’re going to change this. Because no, he's not going to change this. He's not going to be the one to let you go if he hasn't already.
Why would he? Girl, he's got it soooo good with you!
Do this instead.
Own where you are.
Own your feelings for him.
Own all those warm & fuzzy, but "I love all those good things about him" thoughts and the other one, "It would hurt too much to let go!"
What are you doing now? Living large? Living your dream life? Living your happily ever after?
No, of course you're not.
And yet even as you answer, there's such a shame associated with your answer even here. Yes, but. And then you fill in your reason.
You need to stop hiding just because you’re afraid of one more person who tells you when they hear your situation you’re still in, that ominous "Girl, he’s gotta go!"
Because what you've shown is that he doesn't have to go. That you'll accept him, albeit begrudgingly and certainly not in a way that it sounds like you're actually consciously choosing to be with a guy who treats you like this. But that's exactly what you're doing.
And then pretending you're not like there's some great circumstance or very complicated reason why.
Stop hiding. Stop running. Stop justifying. Stop giving excuses to everyone you complained about him to in the past.
Do the only honorable, dignified thing there’s left to do.
Own your choice!
There’s something about this guy that you want in your life. There’s something about him that keeps you there, and while we go on and on talking about the rescuer syndrome, the trauma bonding, the familiar family of origin elements that keep reeling you back in, everything can be simplified with just the reminder that this is a guy you’re choosing right now.
Yes, you are.
And the sooner you admit that – and own it - without hiding from it, the better.
Yes, you are choosing him.
And contrary to what everyone else and their cousin might think, their opinion doesn’t matter.
Yours does!
If you hate yourself for wanting him, what's worse? Hating yourself? Or doing the deep work of figuring out why you want him so badly that you can finally stop wanting him?
You can't have it both ways.
This is the entire point of an internal conflict. When you can't reconcile who you want to be with who you actually are, it's uncomfortable and unpleasant for precisely the reason that it requires you to do something about it so you can be in a state of equilibrium again.
Either you come to terms with the reality that you're not who you thought you were and that's okay, or you accept that you are who you think you are and you're going to hold yourself to a higher standard than the one you've been settling for.
If you're not ready to even make that decision, then accept that you need more information, you haven't seen enough yet, or you're going to hold off on doing anything about this guy until you've had a chance to focus on the rest of your life first.
But don’t you dare say you’re not strong enough!
You of all people, who’s survived so much, who’s been through the unthinkable, who's proven to yourself time and time again that you're exactly how strong you need to be when you absolutely have to be.
I see you, I hear you, and yeah, I've been you.
I'm too weak. He's too powerful. I'd be giving up so much. I'd have to start over and that's a lot of years to throw away. If I just close my eyes and pretend it's not that bad, it won't be.
Yeah, I've heard them all and said them myself.
Don't fight yourself. Don't shame yourself. Don't stay in the shadows hiding because no one understands and all they do is judge you. No, this one doesn't.
I'm here for you, girl. I'll meet you right where you are. You might not feel like you can do this alone, but I know for sure we can do it together.
Love,
Jane
How about you? Been here? Here now? I don't want to call you out but if you're here and want to be loved and supported, I don't know of a better place for that to happen. Share your story in the comments.
I am here now at this stage but Jane is once again comforting me by this post that all of us are in the same boat but we can own our parts. Acknowledge that we can't let go is a big step. Eventually you will let go of the rope that hurts your hands by holding on to it.
Jane, I signed up for the radiant you course since June and still working on part 2. I know I am a bit slow but want to take it as much in as possible. I hope the course doesn't expire soon because it helps me define my fear and confront it better.
Lots of love to all
Love knowing I can comfort you, Mildly! Take as long as you need; there is no expiration date and I'll be here for your 1:1 call with me whenever you need me. You're absolutely right - eventually, you will!
My guy I can't let go of - the ex-fiance who ghosted me cross-country without warning or a single word of goodbye in January after a year and a half together and 9 months of marital engagement, is a covert narcissist with antisocial personality disorder, a penchant for Machiavellian ways, a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, a self-admitted sex addict, a pathological liar and serial womanizer and unrepentant cheat with a lifelong opiate addiction he just put down a few months back and he's more miserable now than before when on drugs ! But wouldn't you be with that host of problems and no solutions ?! Why on Gods green earth would any self-respecting, intelligent, beautiful, accomplished woman such as myself want with such a creature, much less one who treats me like veritable garbage these days ?! The skinny of it ? Trauma bonding. That biochemical addiction to abuse and abuser intentionally cultivated by him to bring me to my knees in constant homage to his greatness lol. But boil it down even further, like you say, dear Jane, and really - isn't this so much more about how little I truly I feel I deserve ? The fear that this is as good as it's ever gonna get for an ageing late 40-something with a lifetime of poor partner choices that have resulted in 3 divorces and 2 failed engagements and still on with the search for the love of my life?! I truly thought this one was THE one - this brutally damaged hell on wheels dude who has put me through my angst, agony, betrayal, lies, deceit, pain and treachery than anyone who came before him!! I love him still and I don't want to let him go - although he constantly pushes me away and has lived cross country all year except for an ill-fated week I convinced him to come back to me where he cheated every day in front of my very eyes online!! But then you wrote, Jane: "If I just close my eyes and pretend it's not that bad, it won't be." And everything proud and defiant and fiery and determined and worthy in me reared up and said brazenly, "I will not be that woman!" I went no contact last night before I read your article, Jane, but this has solidified that choice. He is not the one for me no matter how much I believe and feel like I love him. Simply bcuz he has decided I am not the one for him. And he destroys every relationship he has ever been in and cheated on every woman he has ever committed to and even denies 3 of his 6 children as his. He is a very bad man and I will not ruin the rest of my life by continuing to hitch all my hopes and dreams on such an incompatible match. Even though it crushes my heart to let go, I AM going to stretch to be the woman I KNOW I am whose might and light he has tried to dim for two years now. No more. I'm setting the monster free and buckling down with your class, Jane, to dig into why I pick emotionally unavailable men who can't commit to me. You are a lifesaver, Jane, and you make more sense to me then any other coach or therapist or well-meaning friend or family member in this two years of chaos and pain and whirlwind lovebombing and wild sexual attraction. Thank you for being you and for your guidance bcuz you ARE seeing me out of this mess, even though we've never met : ). Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jane. And hang in there, soul sisters - we are WORTH IT!!
I read your email and it hit me hard because it sounds like me. I have been seeing this guy, on and off, for over a year. When we started off seeing each other neither one of us wanted a commitment and we just went with the flow and enjoy each other’s time. He works a lot. He’s on the fire department and on the sheriffs department. He’s also an instructor. I knew from day one that he worked a lot of hours and it was fine with me. It’s still, to this day, doesn’t bother me. As time went on I was dating other guys, while with him because neither one of us wanted a commitment. As time went on I started to be drawn more and more towards him. I found that I enjoyed his time more and more. I started to slowly gain feelings and when I try to bring it up he would remind me how we agreed no commitment, because it was mainly him who didn’t want one. So I let it go and we just continue to see each other on and off. As time went by and we were still going strong seeing each other and there was one night where he hugged me and the energy I felt was amazing. I have never felt that before with him. It was the first time he hugged me, ever, and he just held me tight. Earlier that day he had joked about marriage if I was a little crazier LOL. I told him that he said he never wanted to get married and he said that if we are a little bit crazier it could happen but you have “rules” or something like that. I told him “well I guess you don’t have to worry about marrying me”. He responded back with “we’ll figure it out”. Then that night I saw him and he hugged me for the first time and like I said the energy was crazy. Later that night we were intimate and he basically said something along the lines of “Do you want to keep it?” Basically meaning him. I told him yes. After that we continue to see each other on and off but then he got distant again. He’s very personable and private but has opened up a little bit more. We’ve never spent the night at each other’s houses. I’ve never even been to his house because he lives with family and I don’t think he’s ready for me to meet his family. When I try to open up to him more and tell him how I feel he told me that I knew from the beginning that he didn’t want a commitment and that he’s been burned too many times in the past and wasted too much time and money. He also stated that he gave up on the family thing because it was too disappointing sure that broke my heart because deep down I can sense that he does want that and I think he’s scared of being hurt. So I let him go for a few months and I tried and tried to move on but somethings just kept saying “go back and don’t give up.” I kept thinking about it and trying to push it away but it was so overwhelming. I messaged him and we started to talk a little and then drift apart again. He was constantly on my mind and I decided to meditate on it. He came to me in my meditation and it was a good meditation and then the next day I’m driving on the highway and someone’s beeping at me and it’s him! I text messaged him soon after and told him how good it felt to see him even if it was just beside me in the car LOL. He told me that it was crazy that he saw me because he had been thinking about getting in contact with me and then all of a sudden there I was. I took this as a sign. We tried to meet up but the timing was just wrong and I had to go out of state for a while when I came back I contacted him again and we finally were able to meet up and we had an amazing night. He came to me in my meditation and it was a good meditation and then the next day I’m driving on the highway in someone’s beeping at me and it’s him! I text messaged him soon after and told him how good it felt to see him even if it was just beside me in the car LOL. He told me that it was crazy that he saw me because he had been thinking about getting in contact with me and then all of a sudden there are walls. I took this as a sign. We tried to meet up but the timing was just wrong and I had to go out of state for a while when I came back I contacted him again and we finally were able to meet up and we had an amazing night amazing. It felt a little off because it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, but it still felt good. I had to go out of state for a week, again and before going out I tried to see if you want to get together and he never returned my text messages and that really hurt. So while I was gone for the week I did not contact him and he didn’t contact me. I did a lot of thinking while I was out of state and I decided that I was comfortable enough with him to open up completely in every which way shape and form. It’s very very scary to me to do that because of my past and I didn’t want to be hurt. When I got back I messaged him and he didn’t respond. Then I messaged him again and told him I needed to talk to him about some thing and we started to talk. I told him I was ready to open up and be crazy, open etc. He told me that he works a lot and that my schedule is difficult. Then he asked me, basically, why I wanted to do this all the sudden I said because I thought about it and realize how comfortable I am with him and it felt right. I felt like I was ready for it. He told me that that was good and that I had to understand that he’s still going to “stand his ground”. I asked what that meant (even though i had an idea) and he said it means that he’s the same person as I met him on day one, meaning he doesn’t want a commitment. I really don’t believe that at all. I told him “this isn’t a marriage proposal“. Then I said if you want this great if not then I’ll stop pestering him. He told me he did want this with me and that he thinks it would be crazy fun. Something I didn’t expect was he ended up coming over that night. I gave him a full body massage because I love giving him massages. He’s had surgery on his shoulders so the massages help. Once the massage was over we became very intimate and the way he kissed me was so passionate. After that we cuddled on the couch and fell asleep. I made sure I woke him up in time for him to get home so he could get some more rest and get up early for work. While he was laying there, there was a moment, where I had my ear up against his chest and I could hear his heartbeat and I just remember how amazingly comfortable and safe I felt. I don’t understand how a guy who tells me that he likes me, I’m sexy, I’m a good mom, I’m comforting, I’m understanding etc. won’t give a commitment a chance. I talked to a dad, who has kids on my kids hockey teams, and he used to work with the guy I’m seeing. I wasn’t going to ask him anything but something told me to talk to him. For some reason I was drawn to talking to this man about the guy am seeing. As I was talking to him I asked him how the guy am seeing is, like what type of guy he is etc. He told me he’s such an amazingly nice guy and helpful etc. I told him my situation and he said that he knows that the guy am seeing has been in a few serious long-term relationships but he doesn’t know how they ended. I told him that I think he’s been hurt or some thing because he seems nervous or scared. I told him how much I like this guy and that I don’t want to rush anything and I’m willing to be patient. Most of my friends support me on this, they also told me to make sure I’m careful because they don’t want to see me get hurt. I’m so scared I’m going to lose him. I have a literally fallen in love with this guy and I am too scared to tell him because I know if I tell him, right now, he will run run. A friend of mine told me that if he wasn’t interested in me or didn’t want to try all he seems like the type of guy that would just tell me flat out we’re completely over and wouldn’t continue to come and see me. It breaks my heart that he doesn’t message me like he used to. I don’t expect a message every single day, but a couple times a week would be nice. He also reminds me that he’s “trying“ to get to see me more and communicate better. I’m not going to give up on him. I can see so many positive things coming out from this. But, I can also feel that there’s a big possibility of heartbreak. I ask myself if it’s even worth this and I tell myself every day that it is. In the past I would typically walk away from someone like this, in a heartbeat. For some reason I can’t with this one. Something is telling me to fight and to not give up. I won’t introduce him to my kids, yet, because I don’t want them to get attached and then get hurt, if he walks away. This is so tough. I sometimes wish that there was a crystal ball I could look into, and see if this would end bad. But, life’s not that easy. I have let go of people in the past, that I loved, at first it wasn’t easy but it got a lot easier because I saw a new about a ton of red flags. Granted this guy has some too but we all do. But there’s something about him that I’m not ready to let go of and I feel like the universe is telling me to hold on. Even my meditations have been crazy. I see signs during the day that, sometimes, point to this and they’re positive signs. Even my 11-year-old told me, after I talked to him about my friend, that “the stars are aligned it is your time this is your destiny”. I’ll start crying when he said that. He knows how much I like this man. I think he knows I love him as well, but I won’t admit that to him. I miss being around him and I get emotional, almost, every day because I miss him because I’m scared that I’m going to get hurt or lose him. I know I will heal from it but this one will take a long time to heal from. I’m doing everything I can to stay positive and I don’t mind being patient. I wish there was something I knew I could do to help him open up more and see that he can trust me and that I am not like the others and I want to be there and fight alongside with him.
Oh Heather, you're scared you're going to get hurt or lose him because that's the vibe he's giving you. It's not because of you - it's him! And to be clear, he already knows he can trust you and you're not like the others, he already knows you want to be there and fight alongside with him. Ironically, that's the problem!
I don’t understand how that’s the problem. If he knows I’m not like them and that I’m here for him why does he still hold back? I’ve been in tears lately because he’s been ignoring my messages. Last week i asked if he wanted to get together the following week and he said he’d try b/c he’s crazy busy. He told me to message him when ever I want to see him etc and I have. I’m not messaging him every day and I’m not begging. I’m either asking how his days been, telling him I want to see him and a couple of the messages were innocent flirty ones. He’s always responded to those! I don’t get it! I know how much he has to work and that’s never been an issue to me. I respect that b/c that’s how it was from day one. Using the excuse that he’s “crazy busy” though, I’m starting to feel, is his way of not trying. No one is that busy that they can’t acknowledge your messages and just say something simple like “Hey, really busy right now. I’ll get back to you tonight.” Just an acknowledgment! I’m starting to feel that him ignoring me is also his way to get me mad and frustrated so I’ll walk away and he won’t have to do the “dirty work”. I’m falling apart. I’ve been going through a divorce (can’t wait for that to be final!) and being around him has helped me break out of my comfort zone, open up in crazy ways etc. I grew trust in him and I have huge trust issues. Now all I want to do is close up again. I feel empty, scared, broken etc. I love him so much. I don’t understand why someone says so many little things that signal he wants to progress more and then dies this. 😢
Yep, all of this, Heather. He'll put it all on you so he doesn't have to decide anything - until you've had enough and he watches you walk away!
Is there a way to get him not to do that or to get him out of that happens on that? He actually got in touch with me, yesterday, and we talked for a little while. Our text messages were very flirty, just like old times. It’s all good. We even laughed a little. It’s just so confusing sometimes. What he doesn’t know is I’m a fighter and I don’t walk away that easily! But, yes I may be a point where I have to walk away if he’s not willing to give. He started to in the past and I don’t understand why, all of a sudden, he’s going back to his old ways. If he knows he can trust me and I’m not like the others why do this?
I feeling you I have been through but God will help us to fix our life
I don’t even know where to begin because mine is such a long story, but I’ll begin with me leaving my job, my apartment and my family behind to move to another State to follow him. September of last year I left everything to be with him. He and I had been dating off and on since 2011. I lived with him for almost 5 years and things got bad towards the end of those first almost 5 years. He left and moved back to the State where he originally moved from before we lived together. For 3 years we kept in touch and even made time here and there to see one another. In September of last year he moved to another State and I left everything behind to follow him. I loved him so much that I was that determined to be with him and start a new life together, yet again. While there I felt his indifference again and things went from bad to worse so after just 3 months I left and moved back to the State where I’m from. Thank God for people that love me I was able to stay with a friend until I got a job again and back on my feet. We still communicated off and on then it just tapered off to no contact. As soon as I got a job, and it’s a great job, out of the blue I got a few text messages from him then a phone call. Part of the conversation was about how he is thinking about leaving his job (and it’s a great company he works for) to come and move back to the State where I live to work for the previous company he worked for before he left me to move back to the State he previously lived in. That surprised me and left me wondering why he’s doing this now. My issue with all of this has been that he’s still married (not living with his spouse any longer, but still married). This has been an issue in our relationship. More for me than him. I want a good, honest relationship with no ties to other spouses. He just sees it as a piece of paper. I see it as a deterrent that has been keeping us from moving forward with our relationship. So now he’s thinking about coming my way and living with me as if everything is just fine but it’s not. I want him to fully commit to me and not just come back in and pick up where we left off. I want him to get his divorce. I know I need to tell him all this but I don’t know how to convey this even though he knows my thoughts on living together and not being married and him still being married to someone else. It’s as though he’s not taking me seriously as to what I want for our relationship. I want good but him moving back in and not doing anything about his divorce I’m afraid is going to continue causing problems for us. How do I tell this man I’ve always loved that he’s not welcomed to stay with me if he moves this way without hurting him or making things worse?
I was engaged for 9 months to my ex-fiance while he was still married to his second wife. I waited for 16 months for that divorce to come through and he dragged it on and on, always with the excuse of not having enough money to pay for it. I even paid for some of it so I could push forward towards OUR wedding! $100 and one form from completion to make it all final and he leaves me to return to her without a word. They only lasted another 3 months but then he immediately divorced her when marrying me wasn't on the horizon anymore. I can't tell you how played I feel. He lied to me at the start about his marital status but then I found out pretty fast that he was still married. I decided to stay with him after I found out, compromising a long held non- negotiable that absolutely forbade me from dating a married man. He was supposedly committed to me but still he used her our entire relationship as a backup plan and to triangulate to get his much needed constant attention. Long story short now, I will NEVER date another married man because 80% or more return to their wives and even if they don't, isn't that the definition of emotionally and practically unavailable? It is for me! I sold myself too darn short for too long and will not do so again. I make no suggestions about your situation because it is not my right; I just told you my story instead. And hopefully, you will pick YOU as I am picking ME by honoring what will bring you the highest joy. Hugs.
I am getting to where you are. I ended this on/off situation with the married man the lived in Eutaw, Alabama. I allowed myself to be used and manipulated by he and his wife. This guy is an ex con. Now, I see, his wife was in on playing me, just to see what he could get from me.
I am no longer ashamed or afraid to share my weakness with my adult children, my mother or my other family members. I was going through a divorce and he stated his marriage had been over for some years, but neither one of them could afford to move out to get their out place. So after my divorce, we moved in together, then I started to notice and feel, he was trying to use me financially to get out of his financial hole and to get to a better place. Out of pitty, I opened up my heart and the more I cared, the more the situation drastically changed for the worst. He ASSUMED, just because I showed him love, that he could control me and my money, Was he in for a shock, and I was in for a shock as well when I saw the real him. He could NO longer hide his representative .
On Sunday, he went into a rage and threw me out of my own property, by yelling and screaming. I remained calm, I left. I have the last conversation recorded on my phone. I went to the police dept and submitted a report, to request a police escort to go back on my property so I can get my personal belongings.
I did not want it to end this way, but now I see, I was living a lie and in a fantasy world. I ASSUMED, he loved me. I was wrong.
So very sorry that you experienced this, but I admire your strength to recognise how you were being manipulated and change it.
Wishing you happiness and peace going forward
I opened your email and said , ok, I'll read this, and as I started to read, I was reading, about my life and everything that has been going through my mind. Your email touched my heart and blew me away. Where your email ended is exactly where I am as this point. Thank you 🙂
It's so ironic that I read this tonight of all nights! There's this guy, we've been ignoring an attraction between the 2 of us for 20 years, because I was married to a really good friend of his. My husband and I split up last year, and eventually this guy and I found each other. Trouble being, we've both been really hurt, my ex is his friend, and he says he doesn't want a relationship. But no matter how hard we try, we can't stay away from each other. I even met this really amazing guy that is everything I want in my life, and I'm jeopardizing it to be with the guy that says there's no future! My friends all tell me I'm crazy, that he doesn't want anything but sex, but OMG, the sex! It's worth it! To be completely fair and honest, it's just as intense and amazing with the other guy too.
It doesn't seem to matter how it's rationalized to me, I don't can't, nor do I want to, stay away from this guy. He might end up being horrible for me, our relationship may never actually materialize into anything, but, after 20 years, I'm going to find out for sure! No more wondering, no worrying about what other people think about it. This is between him and I, and probably the other guy at some point, and our opinion is the only one that matters!!
I am at this very point.... again..
I thought Jane was personally writing to me!! I was in a relationship for 8 years...he was amazing in the beginning and hooked me, so I just 'hung in there ' because it was going to change, he was going to love me like he used to!!. Well eventually after many years and doing everything I could with nothing back, I resented him and asked him to leave (the hardest thing I have had to do). Another man came into my life, he is amazing and we have been together for 1 year. I have never had anyone love me like he does. So this is the BIG question!! Why do I still feel like I am connected to the other guy? He has come back into my life and wants me back. I absolutely know and remember the pain, but why do I feel drawn to him? I have been doing a lot of reading and digging deep and I do realize I have jealousy issues which comes back to my inner child and abandonment probably. Can you please help me through this? Its hard to talk to anyone about it.
After 3 Plus years. I realized that he doesn't ask me how I'm doing! I let him know if I am ill or hurt or just out of sorts and the only response I get is about him! How he is sick or hurt or anything except to check on me. I was married for 42 years and the last 20 were abusive. And this man who came into my life acted so perfect, so caring, so loving. It only took about 6 months for this to change with him, but I was already hooked! He treated me so differently than my ex and I confused it for love. I am 62 years old and afraid that this would be my last and only chance for love and happiness again. BUT, reading your messages, I have had to take a long look at my behavior. I have enabled this man to treat me this way. I am tired of crying. I am tired of wondering if he will call or text. I am tired of not knowing what or when I will screw this up again. Now I realize I have control over how I want to feel. And I don't want to be this person any longer. I am setting myself free of his ties. No, this is not easy and I have cried and tried to rationalize everything. But there is no reason I should be treated this way. And ladies, if you are in the same situation as me. Take back your dignity. Take back your self respect. Take back your life. You are in control and own this. So, today I have deleted his contact info, all his texts and his emails. I have made reservations to go to a mystical theme park and have fun. I am going alone! But, I am not alone. I am in the hands of a higher power and now it is up to me to listen to the signs. Look for the miracle and know that I will be great! I do believe this is a chance for me to have a new beginning and I am excited and scared but I ma moving forward. I wish everyone peace and love
Thanks, Jane! This is so me!
Yeah this is EXACTLY where I am right now,this every minute, My heart is broken and I haven't even said goodbye yet.
I'm getting stronger tho...I'm looking deep in my pain and I know this is not good,I know I have to move on...I get weak every time I see him....same old feelings,,get fooled over and over...
Wow I feel like I wrote that and so many of the comments posted. I’m 57, he’s 56. We’ve been seeing each other for a year. I realized (finally) a month ago, that he is not present for me AT ALL. I’ve made excuses, justified, overlooked so much ... I’m done!! Then that little voice says, “but what if you don’t meet anyone else”... well I’m at the point now that even if I don’t, I’m better off alone!!! I was alone for over 20 years before him - my choice. I was happy for the most part, got a lot of my stuff together and worked on myself after my divorce. I just finally decided I wanted to try letting someone in again. ... And I will try again. He is not the man for me. I’m tired of his games and crumbs... I deserve better!!!
I am here today! I don't want to let go. But , I no longer can love this way. The man I have been dating for the past 3+ years has extreme commitment issues. At first, we fell in love and he proposed. I accepted and then...everything fell apart. Our relationship has been off and on for a year now. But these last 6 months have been the worst yet! He only calls or texts when HE wants intimacy. Better description is booty call. And I have allowed this all along. After our last encounter he has disappeared and barely responds to messages, or not at all. So, today is my stand to take my self respect back and regain my dignity. I have to let go and move on. This time is slightly different than the times before. There has been a shift in me! A good one. I keep reading your messages and I know you are describing me every time. I don't want to be that person any longer. So, with lots of prayer, support and your emails I WILL walk away. Thank you Jane. You have been a life line for me and so many others. I know I still have a long way to go. But today is the day I take my first step for me!!
I can relate. He finally broke it off after 2 yrs. I was in the same situation, it was a honeymoon stage early on. I was everything to him. When we were on our early 20s we dated for 5 yrs. We reconnected 23 yrs later (2 yrs ago). He was going thru his break-up w/the mother of his children whom he had been with 17 yrs...I was going thru my break-up w/my partner of 7 yrs...maybe it was bad timing or good, not sure...we leaned on ea. other...he really loved me back in the day & maybe because of the situation he was vulnerable & was so into me...I was a bit more cautious, but eventually fell in love with him again...we used to travel, do so many things...I reconnected w/his sister, ousting...1 yr later things started getting cold, he started being distant & was clearly not into me like before...I held on clearly because he is a great guy & an amazing father, I really could see potential, but he was just not emotionally connected anymore...of course big mistake, I started bringing-up the conversation of why...it only pushed him away more...finally he said I deserved better, he couldn’t give me what I needed/wanted that he wasn’t ready for more, that maybe it was the wrong timing, he wasn’t ready for a relationship...but he just never broke it down to me so I was left very confused & hurt...I walked away...he calls here & there just to ask how I’m doing! I still love him & I kind of understand things a bit better as I read...I’m not trying to justify his actions, but I do agree he probably needs time to himself, he just should’ve been more open in communication...I do completely agree I made the big mistake of bringing this conversation more than I should’ve & I blame myself for not stepping back & working on myself more during the relationship...maybe it would’ve given him the space to see what he really wanted...I should’ve read/learned more during the relationship it might’ve helped! I miss him & it’s been hard letting go!
I can relate. I try to make every guy that I date "the one" and they truly aren't. There are so many things not right but I hang on, mostly because I miss having one special person in my life. I'm afraid that, at 62, I'll be alone and just be "Ducky's widow " for the rest of my life.
I’m in a 6 week relationship with a man that adores me. I’m having difficulty letting go of a 40 year relationship where the man didn’t adore me , at least not in the end. I feel he never fought for us just left thinking the grass was greener. Trying hard to get him out of my system. Your post spoke volumes to me. I was willing to stay in a loveless marriage. I know this is a character flaw and trying to move on the best I can but I feel ai can not live this new man to the same degree. It’s been 4 years since the separation. This is the first man I have dated.
I am in this exact situation right now. I’m not satisfied. I’ve looked past so many dysfunctional issues and situations. I’ve shoved my feelings and morals down and away. I’ve allowed boundaries to be crossed repeatedly. I keep taking hits and getting back up for more. Becoming weaker to his ways each time.
I’m getting older, almost 39. I have no kids, never been married but have been in super long term relationships and wasted so much time. People tell me I’m pretty, I don’t believe them. I’m so defeated right now. Everything in my life is uncertain. I feel like I’m turning into everything he says I am or am not. I’ve been through worse, so why am I becoming so defeated this time. I think I’m just getting tired. Tired of the disappointments. I’ve gone to therapy and 12 step program. To try to figure out my issues, and why I would even bother entertaining someone who behaves like him. He treats me the worst that I’ve experienced. And yet I stick around, for mere crumbs of affection and attention.
Why is wanting a partner to build with and love each other too challenging to obtain? Perhaps it’s because, I’m not loving myself yet.
I met my husband at 42, we got married when I was 44. I am so thankful none of my past relationships worked out. And three of my friends were later 40’s and another but person I know was early 50’s. There always time to meet the right guy and it so much more precious and fun when you finally do!
One thing you describe that sounds so familiar to me because I have been there is how the wrong guy eats away atst us, changes us from the inside out, steals our youth (or so it truly feels at the time) and vitality, exhausts us, depletes us, causes us to think better to just stay and settle.
But don’t worry, that woman, that girl, IS still there! She TRULY does Re-emerge once you are out of the relationship and start to heal.
At first, you are too worn down, exhausted, deadened even, but she does return! And with it laughter and joy and hope. You will see!!!
Take a first step to ending it or letting go. Don’t worry about the next step after that or him saying you proving him right or him blaming you or how unfair, even cruel to you , it is that you, the one who most wants the relationship to succeed and who loves him (sacrificially even), is the one who has to end it .
Just take that step. Most times it will start to unravel on its own from there. Let it.
Other times, each next step will become clear and present itself at the right time. Take them.
You can do this!! Your own self, the little girl inside who deserves love and a protector and a champion, needs this. And ... There is so much goodness and joy waiting for you!
Hi Lindsay
I related to your message so much. Im 55 and I am just considering to look inward.
It hurts and I have a lump in my throat constantly but I have nowhere else to go. You are still so young and sound so sincere....never give up Lindsay.
Whew. I think I’ve come to terms with this just last week. I’ve owned that I’m choosing this life right now but I’ve simultaneously been motivated to fix other problematic areas in my life. The concept is allowing me to be present with myself. See me for what I am. What I’m hoping is that as I fix other areas I’ll realize I can fix this too.
Sometimes you just not ready to let go even though you know you should so you can free yourself to heal, to re-become your wonderful amazing fun full-of-life and joy self, for a chance, for hope, for better. And that is okay. Just know you making that choice for now. I have done so twice. Fortunately, one relationship still ended a couple months later because the guy ended it after asking for another chance. And the other, after a year later, I started praying for an opportunity to somehow and for that door to be closed and it did. I have had a good friend who went through the same, she knew but just wasn’t ready. She needed to hear then that it is okay when everyone else was getting sick of saying leave already. That relationship still ended but later, when she was ready. When “that line” she wasn’t sure existed or where it existed was finally crossed. By the way, we both were older when those relationships finally ended (40’s) and for my friend this was even her 3d marriage. And ... we both are so happy with better now!! But sometimes you just know you don’t feel ready yet. Fortunately, yet isn’t forever. And like Jane says, it helps to know /acknowledge you making that choice. I think perhaps that helps prepare us to be ready at the right time!!
Yes, this is me. I had been seeing him on and off since January. He ghosted me a couple of times and I always took him back. He stood me up once for dinner and vanished for 2 months. Came back and made promises, I believed him, took him back. He started distancing himself, ghosted me again. In August he claimed he was spending time with his family in Europe and said he was coming to see me to pick him up at the airport. He never showed. He called 2 weeks later telling me he had been depressed and had family issues. I considered letting him back in, he even bought me a plane ticket to come see him where he lives now, out west. We spoke for a couple of days, on video, phone calls but I ended up standing him up and said I couldn't do this anymore. It pains me because I love him. I let him go a month ago, and I think about him every single day.
This helped me: every time you think something great about him or sad /yearning towards him, make yourself think of at least one ugh thing about him or that he did (the standing you up at, well, so many different places) or think of something annoying or embarrassing about him. We tend to idealize and/or sit in that yearning. It is okay to mourn, but mourn the full picture, the actual guy. You will slowly start to realize the guy you want is actually still out there. You haven’t met him yet, but you’ve gained a better idea of what he is like and not like. Then wait for that excitement that starts to slowly build as you realize you are now free to meet him and to be choosy!!
I thought he and I were perfect together. In the beginning he begged me to never leave him. We had so many good times over this year and a half. A few bad times inbetween Now he says he doesn’t want a relationship but he wants me to be a friend. I can’t just stop loving him because he doesn’t want me any more. I am trying be strong but I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.
Yes, my ex husband hurt me, has only partially acknowledged that but I'd like peace between us and an opportunity to enjoy friendship.
I too have just experienced this twisted pain! I dated a man for 5.5 months. He was the most consistent man I’ve ever dated! He checked off soooo many boxes that I wanted to be checked off except for an extremely important one... he wouldn’t commit or become emotionally or physically intimate! I was treated as the perfect girlfriend! We did so many things together! Saw each other 2-3 times a week, every weekend, met his friends and his family, but he never would give me 100 percent of him. He wouldn’t commit to me. He wasn't seeing anyone else, but he wouldn’t come off of the dating site! I had committed to him (whether knowingly or unknowingly) I had committed to him. I finally had to end this situationship! I’m now 4 weeks post end and I would love to say I’m better and it’s easier, but I am still grieving. I miss him terribly! I’m trying to reopen my heart and mind to receive someone else and I am finding it so difficult to stop thinking of him! But why? He obviously didn’t meet my needs! I met his in so many areas, but he didn’t meet mine! So why am I still so attached?
Wow, the same is happening to me. I let go 4 weeks ago approx and there is someone else in the picture that, as you said, "checks off so many boxes" but I can't seem to become as interested as he is. I think about my ex every single day. I don't understand why I am so attached either....
It is easier to think of someone we know or once knew than of someone we don’t know well or haven’t even met yet. Also we are wired sometimes to focus on the sad things, the past, what we think as a love lost or missed opportunity. The huge sad thing about that is not the past but what it does to our present and future: we then miss out on the wonderful people and opportunities that are in front of us now or will be in front of us soon.
I like to sometimes see this as our last choice from the relationship (even though often ending it wasn’t our choice, even if we did the actual breaking up).
We now have a choice to continue to give them that power over us remaining unhappy and destined to continue on feeling unfulfilled
OR we can work hard at seeing the truth, who they really are, what the “relationship” really was like, letting go, and ... then looking ahead. We’ve got that choice.
I also look at it as I have suffered hard, did I do that to continue suffering or did I go through all that for something, for myself, for better?
Mad at myself for falling so hard. He moved on, I'm still heart broken but trying every day and praying to get past his chapter in my life. I have not been able to stop thinking about him and it's going on 3 years since we broke up.
This happened to me when I got divorced. It was so hard to let go and in my mind I kept thinking we would get back together so I intentionally didn't want to let go, didn't want to date anyone else, just wanted to wait for him. Of course it wasn't until he admitted he was in a relationship and that he got married that I finally opened my eyes. But still after that, it was so difficult to move on.
I am here. We've actually been apart for about 2.5 months, but I haven't been able to let go yet. I don't want to start over with someone else. Something inside me says it's not time to let go yet, though external evidence says it is. I don't feel I can cry to friends again, they've walked with me so far and gently reminded me that if this was truly the man I was to spend the rest of my life with, I should be able to be expressing all of these emotions in his arms, not time and again in theirs. I am experiencing so much self shame for still wanting something with my heart and soul that my head has started to accept as over.
I love how your friends put it, if he was the guy, that you’d be expressing those feelings /thoughts/worries/concerns in his arms. Wow, they are smart and insightful friends!!! And you know what that means? Once you are free and healed and yourself again (whenever you feel resdy to take that scary first step to let go (definitely don’t worry beyond that bc it will then start to unravel on its own ), you are more likely to pick a great guy!!
I was madly in love for 9 months. I had recently gotten out of a 22 year abusive marriage. I’m sure looking back I was definitely not ready to date. Well I betrayed his trust. So I spent the next 4 years trying to show him how much he meant to me. Even without a title or exclusivity on his part. He moved out of town twice for his job. I went to see him wherever he was. I just realized that if I’m going to have standards they need to start with him. If I’m not getting what I need it’s time to go. So I’ve went no contact. I didn’t before now because I thought what if he lets me walk away. Exactly. He has and he did. I’m not sure if I want to attempt to date again. My luck is horrible and I’m afraid I’ll end up worse than ever. How can I trust my judgement?
It sounds like you have a fantastic idea of what you don’t want and I think you know how well you feel in those two relationships. If those familiar feelings start, those are warning signs.
Therapy (in many forms) is great and cannot be overrated! Why not throw yourself into recognizing your old type and patterns , what feels comfortable to you, how it relates to what you might possibly be trying to fix (we tend to meet and /or stay to fix something that wasn’t ever ours to fix, could be why you stayed that second time to “prove” yourself).
Jane offers a lot of helpful advice, insight, and ways to heal. I think it worth chatting with her directly!!
I feel I get men that don't really chat or talk to me that much but they do want me for sex and that is probably all they want and I am trying to let go of that
Same here. I’ve also decided to go the celibate route as this weeds them out pretty quickly
Also, look for different dating sites, one where “casual relationships” or “casual sex” etc are NOT even options to check what you are looking for on the site. Look for sites that align with your faith or a hobby or interest you have. And it doesn’t hurt in the first paragraph of your description to explain you happy on your own but been wondering about a serious relationship (long term relationship, marriage, you fill it in (i said marriage))) has that is why you decided to give this daring site a try. Go ahead, scare off the guys who secretly want just sex or happy to settle for that. What is left? Some potential good candidates. Some might still not have best interests irons but yuh just weeded out a lot of them. Sometimes going narrower in your search , frees you up.
Believe me, you can still find that super hot, fun, fascinating, hunky guy who you are still attracted to years later after marriage by refusing to even open the door to certain categories of guys (like perhaps those who indicate they don’t share certain values or any interest or hobby or your faith or are interested in just casual dating /sex (assuming you are not interested in just that any longer)) 🙂
I’m sorry to jump in and take a comment like this, but I’m actually trying to put my story on this feed and it keeps saying I’m denied and I don’t know why. I’m just trying to share my story as well. Is there anyone that can help me figure this out? Sorry to be posting on a reply but I can’t seem to get any information any other way.
Did you scroll to the end of all the comments/replies? There should then be a Reply box opened already/ready for a comment? If not maybe try in portrait mode of phone or on laptop if on phone?
I go down and there’s a box that says “leave a reply” and I type out my story and what not and hit submit and it says I am denied and asks if I’m the host or owner of the site.