If it feels like you've been on this search for what seems like forever, you're not alone.
Everyone has their own version of what you're doing wrong, or what you need to be doing instead. Just ask anyone, and the number of different answers you get is enough to make anyone completely confused.
In all my years of coaching women of all ages, from all walks of life, in every corner of the world there's one common denominator that stands out.
What you believe.
The women who find love, who find what they're looking for in life, believe it's possible to find something good.
It may not seem like anything significant, because after all, how does something as intangible as what you believe translate into something as practical as meeting someone? For those of you who live and breathe the practical, the logical and the measurable, it seems almost laughable.
Except the women who find this to be true aren't the ones merely laughing. They're the one's actually finding what they're looking for.
Whether they first find a sense of personal power they never knew they had a right to have, or whether it's the ability to be treated with dignity and respect in a way they were never regarded before, something shifts for them. And whether or not these things come first before they're followed by the life and the love they never knew they were capable of having, the underlying thread that ties everything together is nothing short of removing the programming - the conditioning - that they had fully embraced before.
What you believe matters.
What you accept matters.
What you refuse to let go of matters.
I remember years ago after I experienced my first panic attack on the 5 Freeway just north of Los Angeles, I found myself in a psychiatrist’s office upon my return back home to Vancouver, Canada. One of the first questions he asked me upon learning that my dad was an Evangelical minister, was whether I had ever noticed a feeling of being out of control around my dad or in his church.
My response was so reflective of how little I understood about conditioning and programming at the time.
How dare he insinuate that my dad or my strictly controlled upbringing had anything to do with my anxiety or panic now as an adult! I was so angry at him, this stranger with fancy titles who thought he knew better than my father or me.
It wasn't until years later when my anxiety and panic had been replaced by my chasing after emotionally unavailable men behaviors, that I went on my search for answers to why I couldn't find the love I had seen modeled for me in my parents solid relationship and everything I'd seen in the fairytales and in the movies and on TV.
I put everything I had into being perfect, into being everything men wanted in a woman; what could I possibly be missing?
That journey led to my finding precisely what the women I coach and I discover together; the role our deeply buried subconsciously held beliefs play in what we see and what we find and what finds us.
No, it isn't just some cliche. It's heartbreakingly real.
But being the skeptic I was, and coming from the very programming that to question anything like this was a grand betrayal of my parents and my upbringing, it wasn't until I had exhausted every other possibility that I came back to the root of my problem. I was looking for love in all the wrong places, with all the wrong people, with all the wrong beliefs.
I thought everything was about me being good enough - perfect enough, really - and everything would simply fall into place if I met that part of the deal. As if it was a bargaining, a reckoning that I had an obligation to perform a certain way to bring to pass a specific outcome.
Destiny would make it happen.
Except destiny never happened in the way I thought it was supposed to. Instead, those chance meetings and unusual coincidences that must be meant to be with men I never would have met if it wasn't "right" kept happening with men who were never ultimately on the same page as me, and could never in the end give me the love I was so looking for.
Beliefs matter.
Hidden, subconscious beliefs matter more than any of us ever realized.
It's actually quite simple. You get the guy, the love, the career, the life you're looking for when you change your programming. When you reprogram your beliefs.
Your old programming says you're not enough. Your new programming says you are, and until you even entertain the idea that there just might be something to this programming/reprogramming idea, nothing changes.
Where you see too much, not enough, damaged goods, reprogramming with love drills down to the bottom and replaces the old with the new.
How many times have you said, I wish I could reprogram myself? There's a reason you want to shed the old and replace with the new. You know deep down it's no longer working for you!
Start today with just one thing. Being open. Open to accepting there might be a different way of being, of thinking, of believing. Open to there being more than one way to look at things, more than just the way you've been conditioned to see yourself and everything that happens to you.
Programming, conditioning, hidden beliefs formed before you even knew what they were.
Start here, beautiful. There's a whole life ahead of you when you realize this is what they are. Subconscious beliefs that determine very practical, very real and powerful outcomes. And if these beliefs were put on you, they can be taken off of you and replaced with something beautiful in their place that actually works FOR you!
Love,
Jane
So how about you, Gorgeous - do you have old programming that you want to change? Share your story with us below in the comments and let's talk about it.
Youve hit the nail on the head..i need so bad to be reprogrammed..always trying to be the perfect gf..works for awhile til my heart is so attached that i almost burst from hurt when they let me go..i always get...its not you...its me...i have such severe heartbreak...nothing is worse
It's our default go-to, Sue. You're not alone here. Hardest habit we'll ever break but so worth it!
Well... I feel there is no one perticular answer to this question I would always have situations and circumstances so I catch myself confidence growing I’m willing to change most important thing is to love myself first: After all love is about how you can make someone’s life meaningful how do I find my mr right?😀
Make sure you're met half-way, Olive. Our programming may say that we have to do all the work but our reality says otherwise!
I know what the old programming is - no longer in the sub-conscious - but how to get past it? What was modelled for me was that relationships don't actually exist. My dad died when I was six. My mother never talked about him, never went on another date, and I learned really fast not to bring him up or she got upset.
My Gran came to live with us when I was nine. My grandfather had died suddenly long before I was born. She also never mentioned him, and I only learned a few years ago (long after her death) that her grief was severe to the point of cutting herself off from the world almost entirely for over a year after his death.
I lost my mother at 20 and my Gran at 24. Lesson learned: don't get too attached to anyone, because they won't be around long.
It's me who won't commit. Yup, it's programming. Yup, I've been in therapy. But changing those beliefs is hard...
Sure is, Anne. Awareness is where you start, the rest is questioning in real time every old belief comes up for you. Is it yours? Or someone else's put on you? Does it work for you? Is it true? Is it the only way? Even recognizing you have a choice to accept or to question and replace is liberating. No, it's not overnight, but one exposed belief at a time, it starts to get easier.
There is a difference between what I wish for and what I believe I will get!
I wish I find someone honest, truly caring and loving, working on himself. I feel like no one would find me worthy of love. I feel like I am not worthy of what I wish for. And this is sad.
Do you know why, Amy? It is sad. But not knowing why is even more sad. What could you possibly have done that no one else has ever done, to preclude you from being loved? How could this be true for you?
This resonates with me so much. The idea that I have to be perfect in order to be loved. Something that has been reinforced in relationships with men. I'm in love with someone. He broke up with me almost 2 years ago when i called him out for not committing but,since then, I've become his "best friend" - the one that has helped him setting up his own business, the one that picks up the phone when he is low, the one that supports him through his issues. I thought if I showed him how perfect I am, he would reconsider and would want to resume our relationship. He calls me gorgeous, says I'm the favourite person for him to talk to so why wouldnt he want to have me as his life partner? After he broke up with me, he moved towns and now lives 3 hours away from me. This weekend he came to my town to see his family. I thought, I've done so much for him that he will definitely want to see me. How wrong was I... He messaged to say that he was at his parents (20 minutes from where I live) and then disappeared. He's going back today. 4 days have gone by and didn't hear from him. This feels like a slap in the face. My friends say that he's using me because I'm always here to help him with whatever he needs but I get nothing in return. Maybe they are right.... I'm completely heartbroken 🙁
They ARE right, Luna. It's not a slap in the face. It's just a guy showing you who he is so you can decide if he's worthy of you. It's only a slap in the face when we take it personally and attach our worth to it. Having been here I can agree with you; we do this far too well.
My old program coming from past bad relationships has tore my ability to establish a good relationship due to not trusting. Example the man I love will not have anything to do with me now, because of my actions. He will not even speak to me!
Then may I ask why you love him? Why is this your fault? Why is this all on you?