Our letter this week comes from one of our beautiful readers from around the world, Ilyana. She's confused about her ex and her current boyfriend who used to be her ex and what to do with both of them. See if you can guess what my advice to her is going to be!
Hi Jane,
Sorry my English is not so good. But so, I wanted to ask you something.
I'm in a relationship and with this guy I'm in a relationship with, I had a break up 4 months ago up because I thought I felt in love with another guy who is my colleague and we work together but I broke up with him too because he was so jealous and he made me cry.
He wanted to know my past how many boyfriends I had and I thought I was not good enough for him. Then I decided to leave him but he kept calling me and he texts me and now I feel so confused because I'm back with my ex.
He is very nice and kind and he loves me too much and I don't know what do. To keep going with my actual boyfriend or to go back to ex? Because I feel too much confused, I don't want to make any mistake because I'm full of them.
Can you tell me what's the best I can do?
Thanks in advance
God bless you
-Ilyana
My Response:
This part, Ilyana. This is where I stopped because your answer became so clear.
“I thought I was not good enough for him”
This is where we need to stop because this is precisely the problem.
You can’t be with someone you don’t feel good enough to be with. You can’t be with someone where this thought could occur to you that you’re not good enough for him, regardless of who he is. There's a reason you feel this way with him.
This is the problem, Ilyana.
If you don’t feel equal to someone you’re in a love relationship with, you’re going to find yourself acquiescing to him and deferring to him in ways that compromise who you are at your core. You can’t thrive when you’re with someone you don’t feel you have the right to have an equal voice with.
You’ll be putting yourself in a position to be gas-lit, to be dominated, to be taken advantage of, because as long as you don’t feel like you’re good enough, that’s the way you’ll act with him.
Now that I’ve been clear on that part, which I thank you for sharing because it gave me an opportunity to speak specifically to why that’s so problematic, let's talk about your specific question.
Don’t go back to the ex who was so jealous and made you cry. There’s nothing loving about that kind of jealousy. There’s only possessiveness which is about possessing you - not loving you - and that’s NEVER what you or any of us are here for.
There’s enough to cry about in this world of ours without having someone who you’re in a love relationship with making you cry, too.
That’s not love, that’s pain, that’s hurt, that’s heartbreaking. Both of these are red flags, Ilyana.
I’m glad you left him.
Don’t go back to what you already recognized you couldn’t tolerate. There’s a reason you came to that end in spite of everything he was to you. He was these things – jealous and let’s call it what it felt like - mean, too.
As for your current boyfriend who is very nice and kind yet you feel he loves you too much, this sounds like a similar situation as your ex but in reverse.
The question for you to answer here is why do you feel like he loves you too much?
Is it because he comes on too strong for the feelings you have for him, so it isn’t a match? Or is that that you feel like you don’t deserve someone who is nice and kind because of how you’ve been treated in the past so that now the only guys for you are the ones who treat you poorly, who are excessively jealous - using you like a possession – and making you cry?
The irony, Ilyana, is that this is a very real thing and it’s why I selected your letter to feature on the blog today because I see this same pattern in many of the woman I coach.
They want the guy who doesn’t want them, who treats them poorly. And yet they reject the guy who does want them, who treats them well and is actually capable of loving them, not just possessing them to meet his own selfish needs. Having been one of these women in my past single life, I know so many reasons why that's the case.
My sense for you is that there’s someone in the middle between these two once you get clear on what it means to be loved and what that looks like in real life in a relationship. But if one of these is closer to someone right there in front of you who may actually be ready for you now if you’re ready for him, it would be your current boyfriend who you left for the other guy.
And never in a million years would it be the other guy!
Look down the road 10 years from now. Do you see your current boyfriend there? The one you say has these important qualities of kindness and ability to love you so much, you could call it “too much”, does he stand the test of time?
If you can, don’t let him go now just because you can’t decide. The allure of the guy who leaves us hanging, who keeps us guessing, who makes us feel alive only because we never know if he’s going to leave us so heartbroken we feel like we’ve died, that’s not your guy.
There’s a reason you left that kind once before!
I hope this helps, Ilyana. I’m here if you need me to expand on my answer to you.
And your English is fine! I coach women from all over the world and hear so much more than just their words because I understand the language of beautiful hearts and souls more than any perfect words could ever help to see you or hear you more clearly!
Love,
Jane
What about you? Do you have any words of advice or wisdom for Ilyana? Tell her in the comments below.
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