Today's letter comes from Sam, who's got two questions she needs help answering.
Here's what she had to say:
Hi Jane,
I just read the article about the 4 ways to get him to adore you.... just a question regarding his independence - how much is too much?
As you stated in another article, if he always spends his tired Friday nights with me, but every Saturday night with his friends, isn't that being a doormat?
So, how would I handle someone who can't give up his friends? If he can't do this, is it worth staying?
Thank you!
- Sam
My Response:
Hi Sam,
I'm so glad you reached out.
Yes, if your guy is only spending his tired Friday nights with you while he spends every Saturday night with his friends and you're fine with it, you're either in denial and absolutely being a doormat, or you've got such a busy life yourself and you know what you've signed up for so this works for you.
That last part is key. It has to work for you!
It's not about whether he's too independent or not independent enough. Maybe you're the type of person who wants to spend time with your girlfriends, and when he's out with his buddies is a great time for you to be able to do that.
I don't think you want him to give up his friends. It sounds like you just want him to prioritize you over them.
That's reasonable.
If he can't give you that, if he feels you're asking him for too much, you've got a much bigger problem than just him prioritizing his friends over you.
Is it worth staying with him if he can't make you enough of a priority over them? Honestly, Sam, as I'm reading this, what concerns me the most is that it doesn't sound like you can have a reasonable conversation with him about this.
The fact that you actually have to have a conversation like this, that he isn't prioritizing you on his own, gives me the impression you're on two different pages here.
Does he want what you want? Do you want what he wants?
In a healthy relationship with two people on the same page in terms of what kind of relationship they're both looking for, some of the basics like how much time you spend together and what priority you place on time with friends vs. time with each other is a reflection of how much you care about each other and actually want to spend time with each other.
The bottom line here, Sam, is that you want someone who wants the same thing you want, the same level of commitment you want, and feels the same about prioritizing the time you have together to make sure it reflects that you are in fact the highest priority in his life.
Meaning yes, he should be able to spend some time with his buddies, but no, it shouldn't be every Saturday night when all you get is the tired weeknights or when he has nothing better to do.
Another question I have in my mind is why isn't he inviting you along?
In my experience, the healthiest and happiest and most successful relationships are ones where girlfriends and boyfriends are top priority, friends come second. With again the added caveat that it's always about the terms you two negotiate together.
This means that the most important thing isn't the rules someone else sets up for you, it's what the two of you decide reflects the reality of both of you together and what you both want.
Last thing, do you feel like you're being a doormat and letting him dominate the relationship and walk all over you?
If you do, you probably are.
Do you feel like he's not worth staying with if he can't give up his friends? I wouldn't expect anyone to give up his friends all together (unless there was a serious problem with any of them), but if we're talking prioritizing you over them - and that means real life actions where he actually shows you this by his behavior, not just shallow words - that's absolutely a reasonable expectation to have of him.
If you can provide me with more specific details and some of the answers to the questions that are coming up for me in a personalized email or phone session, we could go deeper here with where to go from here, but it sounds like a conversation with him about these things is in order, Sam. And if you're not comfortable having one, that's almost always your answer right there.
I hope this helps. No one should ever put up with behavior that could cause you to question whether or not you're being a doormat!
Love,
Jane
Have you been here before? Have something to say to Sam? Let her know your thoughts in the comments below!
This is such a hard one bc we hear the words clingy and insecure in our own minds or from the guy’s mouth (and/or his friends’ mouths to our guy’s ears). But it is NOT that at all!
A guy truly ready for a relationship, prioritizes it, especially if he is late 20’s or older. This means any continuation of his hanging out with his friends on a regular basis works around your two’s time together, which gets the “best slots” of the week. It also means nights out with the guys become a rather rare thing especially if you are not invited along/it not a couples thing.
As Jane said, most concerning is the need to even have to discuss it plus seems like it might be a hard discussion. I been in relationships where it was an issue and ones where we just organically fell into a routine together.
If you don’t want anything more serious and you are busy, this might work for you. But it does sound like it doesn’t.
It is best to discuss it not avoid it or do what I suggest next, but .... You could come up with specific special things for Saturday nights together, and when he says what about my friends etc, you could suggest Friday after work or Sunday to watch a game. And do this for the next several Saturdays. And objectively observe his response.
If it no or sulking or upset or even him negotiating with you how much time /which days he gives you, then you have your answer about his readiness for anything more. It isn’t personal to you, it simply evidence of where he is now.
Perhaps then plan a fuller life and just date him once a month, be too busy or tired to see him most Friday nights (and week nights). If you okay with that level of relationship, then that is okay. But you will prob start to realize you don’t need him in your schedule at all. And that if you are free and give time to heal from him, the potential out there is amazing!!!!
Ps. If the guy actually says the words clingy or insecure, consider leaving. If the guy tries to negotiate the amount of time he has to spend with you, also consider leaving. You can do it!!!
I say make plans every Saturday night to do something fun that you like with friends. Occasionally including couples and if he doesn’t ever change his plans to be with you, nature will take its course and someone special will catch your eye and you can move on.