Our letter today comes from one of our beautiful subscribers, Joann, who's going through a situation she never thought she'd find herself in. After hearing her story, share your thoughts in the comments on what you think she should do.
Here's her story:
My story is a little different.
I had been divorced for 14 years, and during that time never dated or had any kind of relationship as I made my daughter a priority. She graduated last May and decided to move out of the home.
I started dating in October and went on a few dates, but in December I met someone and we both felt that immediate connection. We moved forward and he told me that he loved me in February, I held off on saying it back to him but he was patient.
He would text me all the time to tell me that he loved me, was thinking of me etc. I finally was able to give my heart to him and told him that I loved him back.
About two weeks later a girl that he had been dating prior to me came and told him she was pregnant (I should mention that he is 45 years old and has never had a child before, and the ex is 40 years old and never had a child either), and she claims she got pregnant in November, before he and I got together.
I was devastated, but he told me that things would not change, but as we know they always do. We continued to see each other but things we different now. I felt myself pulling away from him.
We were starting a business together also and we decided to continue with our plans for this, but things have been tense. He can't go one day without contacting me one way or the other, either by calling or texting, and also he tends to get very "territorial" on my facebook pages.
I am very confused, this woman was important to him at one time and she is using this pregnancy (if it is true as she just told him the other day that "she doesn't feel pregnant" any more.) I am in my mid 50's and don't know if I should just back off and give him space to figure out what he wants or just walk away.
I do love him very much. I have stopped saying it to him, maybe more to help myself not cry any more, but I find myself crying all the time.
I have gone out on other dates with really great guys but I can't stop thinking about him and I can't allow myself to sleep with anyone else as that is not who I am, as he and I still have a sexual relationship.
Thank you for listening to my story.
-Joann
My Response:
Your reality has been shattered, Joann, and that's the first thing to acknowledge and accept.
Everything has changed!
And it's going to change again when this child is born. Nothing can be the same.
The most important for you here has nothing to do with him directly. It's you grieving your own loss of the way it was supposed to be, of the way it should have been and would have been, if he hadn't had this relationship with this woman before you.
It's devastating news to you and yet there is still a way through.
You have to choose whether you're still in this with him for the long haul, whether you're still choosing him right now, or whether this is a deal-breaker for you.
It doesn't sound like you need to give him space for him to figure out what he wants to do as much as you might benefit in taking some space for yourself. He's telling you he's still committed to you.
Is he? Do his actions tell you that, too?
If they do, and especially if he's being open and honest with you, then you're the one who has a decision to make, not him. If he's staying with you, that's his decision. Accept that he's telling you the truth if he's given you no reason to doubt him or not trust him and his words.
But if you can't do this, that's another thing entirely, and it may be why you're here and why the tears won't stop and why you need to figure out what you own next steps are.
Do you take a watch and see approach? Do you decide that he's giving you all the reassurance he can because the reality is that neither of you know what the future holds of what it will feel like in a months from now when there's someone out there who will call this guy their dad, and that's just all going to feel like too much for you?
If that's it, then accept that this is unchartered and uncertain waters for you. You don't know how you're going to feel then, you can only know how you feel now.
I come back to you here.
What do you need? What reassurances are you in need of? What can he give you? What can he say? What can he do?
And, perhaps most importantly, is there even anything he can go to make this better or reassure you with all you have to go on right now? If there isn't, don't pretend there is or hold him to something that doesn't exist.
Honestly, Joann, it sounds like you need to be able to watch this from a place where it doesn't hurt so much and where you don't feel so attached. I don't know where that place is for you, or what that looks like for you, but it sounds like this is what you're needing right now.
Where can you take a let's see what happens here approach where you're still in it close enough to observe, but without being so attached that you can't take a step back if your worst fears right now are realized down the road?
If you can find that place, you're going to find a safe space for you to ride this wave.
Yes, it's a big one and one you sure didn't expect to encounter, and yes, it's one that's given you way more information about this man than you ever expected to have, but it's real, and it's the truth for both of you right now.
He didn't do it to you, he hadn't even met you yet, but it happened, and now how you both deal with it is going to give you some real insight into how the two of you would handle the rest of what life may throw at you down the road.
And yes, that may be deeper than you were wanting to go right now. And that's okay for you to feel that way.
The bottom line is you don't have to walk away unless you want to walk away. This isn't about him, it's about you. And what you need to do for you.
Cry as much as you need to. Allow yourself to feel sadness and anger and frustration and whatever other feelings come up for you because this isn't anything you thought you were signing up for when you gave your heart to him.
I'm here for you if you want to expand further, and I can help you walk through this, Joann. I'm putting this out to the community so you can get some more love and support from all of us who have something to offer you as well.
Love,
Jane
Now it's your turn. You've read her story. You've got something you want to say to her, too. Tell Joann what you think she should to in the comments below.
Joanne should ask her “boyfriend” to get a test from his Ex .. number one , to prove she is in fact, pregnant. Then get a DNA test to prove that he is indeed the baby daddy. Joanne.. watch his behaviors .. then decide to give him Space .. or the boot
Hi iv been seeing a guy fir seven months
Everything fine. , but he has a few issues with court details with his ex. But out of the blue he tells me he needs space. I think about it for two weeks as I respected that. Then I went and saw him and approached him about it. I needed answers. And u deserve better. He said his head is just every where and just to give him time.
You can either accept him where he's telling you he is or you can fight reality, Natalie. But whatever you decide, it's only what we can actually live with that always wins out in the end. He's doing what works for him. What are you doing that works for you?
It truly does come down to what you want and what you’re willing to put up with but you can’t hold us against him or resent him now or ever, or the Relationship is definitely doomed. Like all relationships there’s always ups and downs, depending how much you love him and how much you want him in your life as is or not because there’s always going to be another thorn you have to deal with, you both have to deal with in order to survive this hard world. You must do it together but first you must figure out if it’s worth it to you and don’t let others be the reason why you stay or don’t stay. God bless you!
Joann, I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
From an emotionally neutral perspective, something sounds off here. I would want to determine if the woman really is pregnant...fake pregnancy and fake illness diagnoses are, sadly, ploys that some sad people use to get the attention of ex partners. Also, I would not invest any money in a business with someone under these circumstances.
And not without serious vetting anyway. Remember that all your information is coming through this man, too. I'm not saying end it, just keep aware.
Wishing you the best,
C.
Joann,
Wait for the next bus to come. They always do and right on schedule.
Love,
Diane
Having a kid is a really powerful force. He probably never thought he would get to have one...or get to have another one. You have already had one and being past that season, the inner scream that age gives folks who want kids but never had one is not as strong for you.
Your guy friend is working out some real confusion. His ex may not have been lying to him; a huge percentage of pregnancies at age 40 and up end as chemical pregnancies or miscarriages.
Can you let him have his moment to be somewhat stupid and let this girl take him for that ride? He is probably more confused than he has ever felt in his entire life.
If you want him, you're just going to have to wait this one out. He really does need time to figure out this situation, and to know that he can return to you once he has.
I'm sorry you have to suffer through this.
You can let him go, that is also an option. But please know that he's just been given that amazing once in a lifetime opportunity to be a dad, and that's a super powerful force. I personally think as hard as it is the best outcome will come from just letting him sort it all out.
Personally that's a huge deal breaker for me. Paternity test, child support, visitation, and court will be his primary attention and this pregnant woman will be a constant presence for 18 years. Date nights will be changed because Mommy and baby need something. Teen years will occupy him frequently. Takes a strong commitment and I question where he's going to place his priority to you.
Oh Jane.. your words of wisdom flow so beautifully!! And they are always so insightful & timely for me as well. I will reread this post & really let the words sink in. We so often think that these things were done TO us, but there’s someone else in the equation who’s greatly affected & wasn’t anticipating this event either. Figuring out what we want & need by taking a step back isn’t selfish..albeit scary..but we need to see the situation for what it is now & what it will be in the future! Can we accept that? Is it what we want & need? Important questions! Love your beautiful answer Jane & I hope they help out your reader! Much love, Michele
I'm so glad that came through for you, Michele. That distinction is everything! Such important questions if we dare ask them. Much love to you, too! ❤