You remember her, don't you? She was you, not so very long ago.
What happened to her? Where did she go? What did she give up on? What did she go through that so tragically changed her?
See, there's something we're missing.
Someone, actually.
Someone to hear our stories.
Someone to see us in those stories.
Someone who cares enough to listen without judgement.
Someone who understands because they've been there before.
If you don't have that person in your life, I have some very good news for you.
You do today.
In honor of all of you, I've decided to devote today's post to being here, listening to your stories and answering as many of your questions as I can in real time today, below in the comments section of the blog.
Share your story in the comments below. Let me know what you need. Tell me how I can help you.
I'm here for you.
Love,
Jane
Hello,
I have been proposed at last October but found about a girl who called early morning when I was visiting my bf then and fiance now. I knew he had been talking to this girl while we got separated and understanding that when we got back together he won’t anymore communicate. He mer this girl on a dating site and he has been teasing me about this girl and I thought it was all just a joke until that call came and it was early in the morning. Since then coming back home never came over it thinking that this has been going on for 3yrs since we got back together. I feel he still talks to her and I admit I became a totally different person. More needy, clingy, always had trust issues. We failed to talked about it when I was there visiting. LDR really is hard and we’ve been together for 14 yrs and thinking that finally after the proposal things will be okay but it’s so much different now. He’s always mad and irritated. I don’t know anymore what to do. I booked another flight this year and I don’t know what to do.
Oh Maria, my heart aches for you. Don't be with someone who teases you about some other girl. How can that be someone who holds you in his heart?
Hi Everyone,
I'm back on here to answer the rest of your questions and listen to more of your stories. I'm so honored to have you share with me and the rest of our community some of what you're going through so others can feel a little less alone on here.
This morning I led my group coaching LIVE session that meets twice a month on Zoom meetings. It was another really special time, especially during this time of social distancing, and I'm mentioning it here if any of you are looking for some supportive community right now with some very special women who gather twice a month here from all around the world for love and support and empowerment.
It's a very small, intimate group with me moderating and providing the coaching, but with love and support and non-judgement interaction with each other. If you are interested in learning more about it, you can check it out here - scroll all the way to the bottom of the page. It's my most reasonable coaching option and with the smaller group, you'll have a chance to have some facetime with me within the group at almost all of the sessions.
Please let me know if I can answer any questions you have about it. It's one of my favorite ways to spend my time seeing this women I've had the honor of getting to know through these regular sessions together!
Hi Jane:
Thank you for this possibility. I saw it a day later. Hope you and your family are doing well.
First question:
I get confused between giving a red light to someone and pursue someone.
Do you have sth. to read about this?
I supposse I have a broken picker, too because I choose guys that pursue me in the beginning but then when I like them it seems like the table is turn around, I start feeling insecure and a huge codependency.
The last time there was a red flag, he seemed to smoke marihuana, which makes me say a big NO (like if he is married, or whatever)
But I found out that also he stops pursuing and I get this urge that if I do nothing the relationships goes nowhere and that I should do nothing but Deep inside is this codependency and fear to love a man I am attracted to, because It always seems to be this way.
It seems my mind is so much slower to detach. though I dont write, pursue. I try to dissapeare And the pattern is being alone.
I get confuse because I feel attracted but not pursued. And I do not want to play games. I know though that Infelt in love and I open my heart quickly but not to many guys, which I know by now is not effective.
In this time though, I am not alone in buenos Aires but in Switzerland at my brother’s house. My parents are somewhere near in Austria.
The guy I liked I stopped writing after he said write whenever you like and I wrote ro him the next day (I was very happy at that time it was my birthday the day before and he asked for my whatsapp - before we wrote on facebook) and after that he did not write any whatsapp neither did I.
Then he put a heart in my facebook but by that time he posted sth. of marihuana and I started distancing. I thought it was a red flag. 2 months later he was in my city but did not contact me. I wrote to him a whatsapp and felt peace and connection, he said he was with his family and the trip was already planned, he is a vet. He also said ’living in a city... I dont know’ ....(he lives in another province by the mountains). I told him why Indid not write anymore. About the marihuana post on facebook and the non compatibility with me.
The next day I was mad and went jogging and after that I saw him on face several times and I tried to disconnect. But my mind detaches slowly.
I have my tripped planned to Europe bus rushed with this covid situation and decided to come to my family. With whom I feel well right now but as a young lady felt very abandoned having them living in another continent. Also my brother Almost never called me. And another issues.
Shouldnt things be easier. Yes, my child me was loving, happy amd enjoyed drawing at the sun. Dreamt about how would a family be for me as a grown up, fear it would be not possible. May women told me what I look for is ... difficult? Non possible? But I now I have to believe it is true.
I also got contacted last year with a director, but I fear that as he is marry to contact him and feel attracted and keep loosing my time (this because that is sth. That happened innmy twenties) feeling attracted, saying a big NO and the history of always being alone.
Just believe little child, he is out there looking for me :o)
Kindly,
Sorry. The first question is giving a Green light (not red) and pursuing. This difference.
It's not you, Erica, it's the guys you're finding yourself drawn to. You're giving them a pass before enought time has shown you consisent behavior of the kind you're looking for that's going to be sustainable for the long term. You've got to go longer before you decide you like them and you need to make sure you prioritize the qualities that make someone worthy of YOU before you let them in instead of deciding they seem like they've got what you're looking for without the necessary consistiency in real actions over time to back that up. I don't think you should give any one a green light, Erica! It's way too slippery a slope to start doling out those passes without knowing what that means to you. They're counting on that from how they read you and it's giving them far too much power over you. Go longer than you think you need to. Hold strong to your own boundaries and to your must-haves when it comes to characteristics and qualities that will matter 10, 20, 30 years from now and not just in the beginning when it's so easy for them to sell you on the idea of them without the proof to back them up.
I'm glad it's better this time around with your family. Remember you don't have to explain or defend yourself or your status to them. There's nothing wrong with you. There's just a clearer picture emerging for you of what false love and pretend relationships are that never serve you and the real kind which are the only ones you want to accept that you can only know by holding something back of yourself until you have enough information to give any kind of a green light to!
Hello. I had a wonderful 4 month relationship with a man that ended recently
I expressed to him that I was worried about seeing him because of the pandemic and felt that I was being irresponsible by putting he and my kids at risk. He is a nurse and has been treating covid patients since January but I’ve only just become concerned because of what we’re being told to do by our leaders and healthcare professionals
He was hurt. I think he took it personally because he’s a nurse. He said he doesn’t do well with distance and said we should “pause” this until I’m comfortable seeing him again
I feel torn because I want to be there for him and I feel bad that I delivered this message by text when we were supposed to meet. I worry his trust in me is gone
But also, I feel hurt because he was so willing to let me go. I feel if I were what he wanted, we’d make it work
Hi Emily, Why would someone who is caring not understand about you wanting to protect your family? It sounds like he has a lot on his plate right now and is as freaked out and scared as much as everyone else is. Likely, he's hurt about the text message -- perhaps better if you had called and spoken to him, as you say. So maybe apologise for this aspect (sending the text instead of meeting) but please please please don't apologise for protecting your children. Maybe offer to be there for him via skype or phone until the danger has passed -- but do not jeopardise your kids by seeing him. This about the safety of your children. Your children must come first or you would never forgive yourself. You have done the right thing.
Couldn't agree more!
Someone who's able to feel more hurt for himself than respect and understanding for a different perspective from his own when it's not to his liking, isn't worth the amount of time and energy you're spending second-guessing yourself, Emily. These are unprecedented times where we're learning more as we go along, so in so many ways this time is showing us who people are and we need to accept what they're showing us instead of taking it personally. Of course it hurts, but this isn't a statement about your worthy and worthiness to meet his criteria. It's about him giving you more information about who he is and you choosing what you want to do with that. Most of us don't do well with distance, but when we're in the middle of a pandemic, we sometimes have to be more flexible than we'd like to be!
Jane, thank you so much for all you do, for your caring and advice and for providing this space for all of us to meet and support each other. Thanks also to all the brave and wonderful people who openly share their stories and honesty. It helps so much to hear that I'm not alone in my feelings and experiences.
Every day I try to remember how good my life is, how fortunate I am when I hear and see the sadness of others. I can be strong and don't need to rely on anyone, but then that feeling inside begins.
I have felt alone in every relationship I've had, even my marriage, always being strong, giving as much as a I can and wanting everyone to be happy, but not getting much back. So what do I want, only for someone to put their arms around me and say it will be ok and I'm here for you. Is that selfish of me? Is it depending on someone else? I don't know but I feel sometimes it would be so wonderful just to know I'm not alone.
Not selfish at all, Julia, just real. We were made to want connection, to value it, to depend on someone else worthy of that level of trust. I don't know why you've always felt the need to be so strong - I suspect you absorbed that message long ago - but I'm wondering if you allowed yourself to be soft and to need something for yourself openly for a change, if you didn't give as much until you had enough evidence that there was enough giving back, and if you focused on finding some of that happiness first for yourself that makes you feel so good when you can look around and know that you've created that in everyone else, if that would make a difference in what you see. You share my heart, don't you? Makes me wonder what else your story longs to be.
Thank you Jane. I have been conditioned my entire life to take care of others. It's so very hard to undo this when it's been such a "normal" part of life. I know deep down that is why I have attracted the men that I have- the ones that need nurturing or the ones who can't see outside of their own needs. I do get tired of being the strong one all the time and just feel like I want to exhale!
Well where do I start? I'm in love with this man, and hes been up front with me about just being friends, but we connect on so many levels!! I lost my job, and mow am having to move , and dont no where to go from here!!! It's like I get things going good in my life and 6 months down the road I have to start all over!! My health isnt that good because the house I live in now I had to clean up and it was so bad!! Infested with roaches and i speayed and sprayed and hot tide of them but i messed my lungs up doing it, so m.j ow i cant breath that good!! And the people I'm renting from now that its bug free and clean they wont me to move so she can move in. I just wished for once I had a place I could call home!!! I'm not a bad person, I'll help anyone that needs it, but now it's my turn, and were is everyone when I need them?
Just want to come on here to recommend Jane's course 'Confident, Beautiful Radiant You'. (No, she's not paying me and I dont get commission). I've been with a guy for 10 years who'd been completely wiping the floor with me mentally, emotionally, financially. I was at a low point after he 'borrowed' 20K off me and didn't return it, so I bought Jane's course. Jane's course woke me up and took the rose-tinted glasses off my eyes. I saw the abuse for what it was - abuse. I haven't left him yet as I have have 50K debts (caused by him while he has been squirelling away money for his own pension) but the fact is that I am finally awake to what has been happening and I am actively planning for a better future for myself and my children. I realise my worth (thanks to Jane) and know it right down to my bones. If you are on the fence, then I recommend buying this course. I've done all sorts of self-development and counselling over the years, but this was the course that made the most difference for me -- from someone who understands and is completely non-judgemental. Thank you Jane.
Wow, sjh. You blew me away with your words here! I am just so honoured to have been able to give you what you've received from my program. Thank you for this beautiful testimonial of everything I put into this program and everything I hoped it would be to someone, to everyone who finds their path passes through here. You've touched on one of my core messages with your own story - that it's not about leaving someone or giving into pressure to do what everyone's telling you to do, it's about finding your own line, your own way to be in or out of a relationship of your choosing. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that you can live with what you've chosen to live with. No explanation or defense needed. Much love to you!
You're the 'wow' relationship coach. Your teaching and words made me see my inner worth and inner truth -- in spite of 10 years of subtle gaslighting and brainwashing which made me doubt myself. You totally 'get' it and understand the issues in a way that the majority of therapists and coaches don't. Many people SAY it's all about "it's all your choice" but the underlying message is "if you don't take leave immediately to help yourself, you're a failure and we'll be deeply disappointed in you". So then you end up beating yourself up even more on top of everything else you're experiencing. What's special about you is that you have been there and so you understand the many shades of grey - and the shame and guilt that go with being in these relationships. There is acceptance and no judgement and no criticism -- that is truly special. You are a beacon in the darkness 🙂
So very well said! I agree- Jane, you have a gift and you're sharing it with us. I'm so very grateful to you for opening my eyes that have been closed for so long.
Thank you, Julia. Honoured to be able to do that for you! ❤
Thank you, SJH. I don't think I've ever heard anyone so eloquently describe precisely why I'm here doing what I do, quite like you have here. For when you've been so hungry yourself, you can't imagine not feeding others when you finally experience what it's like to be fed.❤
Create a different dream. A dream that only requires you. Anything else is a bonus. I created my dream and have now achieved it. Just me. I have a partner of 3 years and we are having a bit of a rough patch right now but because I'm achieving what I set out to do, I do not need anyone else to complete that. We are working on it, well, mainly me. I dont know if it will work out, he tells me he wants it to then sweeps everything under the rug and I just can't live like that. He is trying. But if it doesn't work out I know I'll be fine because he is not the centre of my world. I am. And I deserve better.
What a beautiful place you've found for yourself, Nicola. Allowing someone to show you who he is - and what he is and isn't capable of - while creating enough of your own life outside of him so what he does or doesn't do isn't enough to break you! It's why the more we focus on ourselves, the clearer we see someone else. I'm with you. I know you'll be okay!
Once I was happy just to be a pretty little girl with a room painted in pink, playing with dolls and feeling like a Princess. I don't care if there's a man in my life. I just wish I could find that little girl again. She died a long time ago and took me with her.
So many of us were right there with you in our own corners of the world, Lisa! How do you feel like that again? Is there anything that comes close to matching the feeling of that, even if it looks so different now? Could the feeling be created somewhere now?
I still have my love of cats. I have a fat cat named Charm. I named him that because he charmed his way into my life 🙂
Love my cat lovers out there. Charm sounds like just the cat to find you!
You are awesome! That is so generous of you to give your time to be there for others!
Aw, thank you, Lauri. It never feels like enough, because if I could, I would bring us all together so we could do this in person every day until every single one of us felt seen and heard and loved enough to never settle for being seen and loved and listened to any other way!
My story? Just a simple tale really. I'm a single mum to three amazing autistic boys. I had quite working outside of the home in order to stay at home & look after them. I live in Indiana USA but England was home. My dream is to own a small house & barn here in American. My dream is to marry an Englishman who loves me & supports me as I do him. Finding my guy is challenging due to the circumstances presently but, I am determined to find him nonetheless.
Sounds like you've got some real clarity here, Polly. Here's to you single parenting your amazing autistic boys - I'm sure they are going to keep their beautiful sensitivity being raised by a sensitive mum like you! Love your dream. Keep me posted and if I can support you in any way, please let me know!
Jane I have got nothing else to say except "thank you"
Thank you for your program, thank you for your blog, thank you for loving me, thank you for being the big sister I never had!
Life is becoming clearer now with you by my side, you have taught me to always choose me, be it from family, friendships and relationships. You are the best! 😘
Oh Lolly, I feel so honored to be that big sister to you, walking through your journey with you! So glad you're seeing things so much clearly now. You're connecting with your heart and that's a beautiful thing!
I have been with my husband four 3half years. Marred 6 mouths broke up once because his drinking. Back together now. He said his not going to drink now. I feel different now with my husband in a better way. Still having bit worried about him going back to his drinking.
You can support him, Francisca, but this is something he's going to have to do for himself and he's going to have to want to enough to stick to it this time. Oh my heart goes out to you. I pray he gets there and asks for the help as he needs it. You can keep reminding him it's ok to be vulnerable, it's ok to need help, it's okay to reach out and ask for it and it makes him a bigger man to be able to do that. I'll keep you both in my heart. Much love to you. Make sure you get the support you need and join Al-anon or something related to help you through this, too!
Hi, my situation is almost identical although we aren't married. My partner has opened up and talked honestly about how long hes been drinking and is doing better. It's all the lies and the sneaking around. Making me feel like I'm being paranoid rather than admit the truth. A lot of trust is gone, and like you it is a worry. Al-anon has really helped me step back and realise I need to look after myself instead of him. And he has to help himself instead of me picking up the pieces all the time. So far he is trying harder since I've started looking after me first but this wont be fixed overnight and I have no idea if hes still the one I want to be with. Trying to stay open minded and give it a go but I dont know if it can ever be the same now my trust has been broken.
Hi Jane,
My former boyfriend from 25 years ago came back into my life unexpectedly in Feb 2019 after no contact at all during the interim. We very easily picked up the friendship which then developed into a platonic romantic relationship with lots of texts, messages, dinners, catch ups and walks, really easy communication and he talked about future plans too. It was like no time had passed at all and both of us were so happy together although he did start to pull away after about 6 months and his moods seemed to be very up and down we always seemed to be able to talk about how he was feeling, how we were coping with our life situations etc - his wife had passed away by suicide in Oct 2018 after being depressed for years, his son also had severe mental health problems and at the time I was in the process of separating from my husband after years of an unhappy marriage, I've since moved into a unit with my daughters.
In September, he told me that he couldn't give me what I deserve and wasn't ready for a relationship but wanted to keep in touch, we remained friends as such but contact dropped right off, he started a new demanding job, purchased a motorbike, started going out a lot with new friends . We made plans to catch up for dinner recently but he never replied to the text message and has not been in touch since although we are still friends on FB. It's now been over a month and I haven't wanted to reach out to him to give him space, we both have so much sorting out to do. Do I just give him time? I can't stop thinking about this and really miss the friendship.
Thanks
You've done everything you can, Kezzilea. You've reached out to him enough times without a response that if there is anywhere to go from here, it needs to come from him. But don't just give him time, fill that time with everything that means more to you than someone who can't prioritize the bare minimum of a reply to you. Of course you miss the friendship, but really is this how a friend would treat you?
Thanks so much for your reply Jane, I really appreciate it. I understand what you're saying and have purchased your program to find myself and know my worth again, having to give up hope that his promises will somehow come true and it will all work out is hard though.
It is hard, Kezzilea. You may have to give up on him, but that's only further evidence that he's not capable of being who you want him to be. You'll never have to give up hope with someone real who can actually give you what he's got inside him because it's not something he's trying to be, but because it's something he actually is!
Hi Jane.
I found your email in the right time because I truly need an advice and find ways how to be happy. I feel lonely and sometimes I don’t even know what happiness is. I feel isolated and I feel that no one loves me. I broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago and he was the only man I dated after my divorce. We dated for 1.5 years, I knew he loved me but I broke up with him because he didn’t make me his priority and had many friends he liked to hanged out on weekends to do his hobby..many female friends and most of them I never met. I couldn’t take it any longer, I followed my intuition, and I closed that chapter. Here in the US, I don’t really have a family, the only people I am comfortable to talk to are 2 of my friends, who are these types of powerful superwomen who “don’t need anyone”, they are strong (at least they think they are like that). One of them told me 2 days ago that I get too attached to my boyfriends and to my friends, and that I should work on myself. I told her that everyone is different and that I don’t want to be this “superwoman” (even though I might appear from outside) but I am a dedicated, lovable and social person. She indirectly said I’m needy. I’m kind of feeling sad because I need to be surrounded by friends now because I’m going over a breakup and I have no one. I am not a whiner and it is hard to explain... I’m just questioning the meaning of my life... But thank you for reading this. I truly appreciate it.
Anna
Your intuition was right on, Anna, you did the right thing even though it's going to feel lonely right now. There's no worse kind of loneliness than the kind where you're lonely in a relationship. We all have friends like yours who for all their best intentions, don't really help us feel better at all. I was always you, Anna. My friends were almost all your superwomen friends. Don't change a thing about you. Just change how you're letting in and learn to spot their red-flag behaviors early. Where is home? Where does it feel less lonely? It is merely the grass is greener or is it a real thing to follow? Embrace your beautiful "neediness". That you still allow yourself to need someone and haven't become so cyncial to deny your desire for true love and friendship and connection and attachment and everything else is truly a beautiful thing!
Thank you, Jane, for your beautiful response.
It is nice to hear that you agreed with my decision to breakup with him. When I was with him I didn’t have this feeling that I was his priority. I’m not gonna lie that he was a bad guy because he is actually a nice person and he did nice things for me like fixing stuff in my house or buying me treats or gifts but I felt he was not into me. We talked about it and he said he loves me but I didn’t feel it from him; I felt like he kept running from me and I was the one leaning towards to him...I felt like he liked the idea of having a girlfriend but he didn’t want to go all the way... That’s why I ended it and it’s hard.
Yes, I am a hopeless romantic and I don’t want to loose that and I do want to find my soulmate, whom I would marry and share life together. Now I’m going through a breakup stage and I hope that I will get over it soon, and I hope that I will not loose hope for finding a true love. I just don’t want to get hurt again.. and over again... I hope that you’re right that I will find someone who loves me the same way like I do. I truly appreciate everything that you do for everyone. Hugs, Anna
You will, Emily! But it won't feel that way right now. Give yourself time and don't put such high standards on yourself to be anything other than who you are and what you're feeling right now. You're enough!
I am struggling to move past a guy I saw a number of months ago- we didn’t date long but I fell hard and knew he wasn’t available to me so I ended it. He reaches out every month just to say hi, but never asks how I’m doing just a “hope all is well and you are healthy/safe”. While I appreciate the sentiment I struggle letting go of the disappointment and the wanting more. It’s not like I’m holding out for him- I just am having a hard time wanting to be with anyone else cuz I liked him so much. And even if he didn’t contact me, I still think about him. Can you suggest some ways to move past this?
Oh Rae, it's so hard to give up on our dreams! You had a dream for you and him - that's why you fell so hard because of what you felt with him - and that's why this isn't as much about him as the potential he showed you that you made a beautiful dream out of. You wouldn't have such a hard time letting go of someone who only greets you with such a standard everyday greeting if that was all it was - who he is now - it's because it's about the potential of what's still to come! Put this in its proper perspective, Rae. Yes, it flies in the face of what it feels like, but the way it feels to you is based on a fantasy, an idea, the way we've been programmed to relate to love. We need more than a feeling to call it love, we need real life actions and behaviors that actually show us love in real life practical terms as well, not just in our dreams. I've written more about getting over someone here. But the most important part is telling yourself the real story to set yourself free, not just the one we take on. Don't worry about not wanting anyone else. That will come in time, when you find someone who's as real as you are.
I love your emails and the advice I've gotten through them and the programs I've purchased have been invaluable. Thank you so much!
I'm struggling intensely. A year ago, I discovered that my husband of 18 years had been cheating for most of our marriage. I was devastated but at first determined to "fix it". Soon I realized the after tremors were too much and we separated, still having our home base in the same house but living separate lives, mainly just shuffling co-parenting our kids. He's working on his addiction and I'm working on healing my heart.
In the meantime, I met someone who was amazing. The new guy adored me and treated me like I'd only dreamed of being treated. He said he wanted to marry me, had given up on love before he met me, all the beautiful things... I was the one pulling back because I didn't know if I should be trying to save my marriage.
By the time, I was ready to move forward, new guy was pulling back. He said he needed a break until husband and I weren't in the same house. We took a little break and then reconnected at which point he assured me that things weren't over among other promises. He also promised that we'd always be friends no matter what. From that point on, he ghosted me. I messaged him only a few times in the months since we've been together. This past weekend, I asked if we could talk and told him that I missed being friends, etc, and I worried about him sometimes with the pandemic. Maybe I seemed needy but he also knows I care deeply about people. At that point, he blocked me and unfriended me and I am so humiliated and heartbroken and angry with myself. It feels so disrespectful to the beautiful connection and relationship we had. I'm so confused and feel so much rejection.
How do I let go of something that seemed so wonderful with no closure? I know I need to learn to be okay on my own and to believe in myself, but this has been a huge blow. Thanks for being a safe place to share my story.
No, D, no. This wasn't about anything you did. I see this all the time when the criteria he needed to move forward is met and suddenly the goalposts change and there's a new set of circumstances that has to be met and then another and another as the pattern continues. This is not on you! This is how a man who has no intention of commiting to you operates. Don't take this on you. Don't accept it as a rejection of you. You're a beautiful, caring, loving, compassionate soul just like he's always known but now that it's real and requires something of him, he's only showing you his true colors. Go be free, D. Any chance of not "fixing" the marriage, but healing together? I've seen this before, too, but only if it's not at further risk and betrayal to you.
Thank you for being so gentle and kind and caring enough to reply. That means so much. Thanks, too, for your validation and advice. You are wonderful!
Healing the marriage is what my husband wants, but I'm not there quite yet. I worked so hard on our marriage for so many years and loved him so hard only to discover years of lies and betrayal. It's hard for me to work through that kind of rejection. And this new rejection feels like yet another layer to work through and I'm tired.
Your words gave me fresh courage and I can't thank you enough for that. ❤️
Oh D, I'm so glad. We have enough harshness and tough love in the world, we need so much more tenderness and compassion to balance it out! Keep me posted. And remember that even a simple seemingly straightforward word as "rejection" is such a loaded word. You are loved!
Dear Jane,
Thank you for being there.I suffer from stress induced mental illness which has reaped havoc on myself and my family but I am managing my illness with prescribed medication.However my emphasis must now be on my 41 year old beautiful son who also suffers from depression to the point on been suicidal.It is no wonder he is experiencing this as he finds himself withou employment,homeless and his ex partner has denied him access to his beautiful 13 year old son ,my loved grandson.I live by myself in a tiny government unit but at this stage my son is here with me.Our relationship is tenuous and much friction encountered he tends to blame me for several of his circumstances.I love him so much he has been through hell.Must be strong for him I have noone to lean on Dear oh dear I want to help him in many ways but don't know how apart from being there .To top it off my landlord prohibits even family from staying what am I meant to do I will not see him on the street as long as I have a roof over my head .Life means nothing without my beloved son's and grandsons and I would rather die than see anything more happen to them I have fought so hard to keep a roof over our heads since their father left us in 1995 .I held down 3 jobs to do this for years no financial assistance fro my ex at all.I will Continue to fight for my so I must not rely on the de stressing effects /numbing effects of alcohol but I don't have any other way at this point in time I had a life threatening car accident in 2001 leaving me with severe mobility issues and reoccurring pain.God I hope for help from someone soon .Financially struggling but gifted in so many other simple ways.I love nature. But with civic restrictions can't get out in fact I have been socially Isolated for over a decade now find it difficult to trust people have been hurt gossips about generally much maligned. Anyway such is life thank you for listening to my tale of woe x
I'm wrapping you and your beautiful sensitive son and grandsons in my arms, Deborah. Heartbreaking what you've all been through and are still living through. Just know I'm sending you love and light. If there is something your son needs to hear, please let me know. I have a very special place in my heart for our boys who need so much of our love and acceptance to be their sensitive feeling selves without the pressures we put on them to become such disconnected men. You're a good mother and grandmother, Deborah. Would love to see more support for you in the ways you need it. Is there a way to find some flow to go with instead of fighting so hard and still achieve a similar outcome? Much love to you. We never know until we've walked in someone else's shoes. Holding you in my heart tonight.
Deborah,
I feel so much from your story. You are strong and brave for what you're dealing with. I know this because I also have a son who is 28 and has had mental health issues for years, many hospitalisations and other complications. I too am the one he blames for so many of his problems. Our relationship is difficult but what we give as mothers, as parents, is a safe place for them to be themselves, to not have to hide how they feel around others, to be able to release all of that pain and yes, it is directed at us because they know we get it.
It's a tough one, and you have other issues as well. My son just came to live with me after being with his father for a year without me. He also has no job, no money, and high expectations. I too would never put him on the street and will always take care of him when he needs it, only hoping he will be able to have that independence he so wants.
Deborah, no one really understands how heart breaking and challenging it is unless they've truly experienced it, and I have. You are doing the best you can and believe me, your son knows how much you love and care for him. I hope that it all improves and that he can once again see his son. Thank goodness he has you! I commend you.
Hi. That was cute what you said in the email. Very catchy. Ya. I was married 34 years to a narcissist. Lost myself. Been divorced 6 months. Went on tinder. Have my heart away. He’s a scammer. Didn’t give money but her broke my heart. Now I’m recovering from that. I just need to be content in being with me.
Hearing you, Lisa. Our attraction to these types of men runs deep. We have to learn our hearts are far too valuable to ever give them away until we have more than a feeling that someone's worth it to us. We need actions over time. Consistent actions that show us who someone really is. Is it someone who's showing himself to be worthy enough of you? We're so used to asking if we're worthy and looking to prove our worth with the most incapable men to do this with; we have to question why we do this at the expense of our own selves who we neglect to get to know and love in the process of trying to be enough. No wonder we're such perfect targets for men who need someone so understanding and ready to excuse their behaviors - all in the name of what we've been tragically conditioned to call love. I wish you so much love and light on this journey, Lisa. This type may always hold an attraction to you, but you can choose what you want to do with that no matter how amazing the connection or potential seems to be. And no, it's not selfish to value yourself over someone else.
Hi Jane, I’ve been friends with this man for over a year and I would like more with him. How do I get out of the friend zone?
I need more details to really be able to help you here, Sarah, but generally, it would help to know if he's given you any indication he's open to more than you've got now with him. What has his response been to any subtle or not so subtle flirting you've done with him? And if you haven't done any, this subtle way would be a good way to find out. If nothing's been obvious or even if there have been receptive indicators on his part but then nothing else, you're going to have to decide whether you're up for a more direct conversation with him. The obvious implications of bringing it up with him directly is that you risk affecting the friendship you currently have, but if you're struggling to just be friends with him and find yourself always wanting more, the risk of that may be outweighed by what it's doing to you to say nothing at all.
You can't get someone out of the friend zone if he doesn't want to be anything more than that. But if you let him know in a playful, light way that you've always thought he was cute, or you've always hoped you'd find someone who has such and such qualities like him, his response or non-response is going to give you a feel for his comfort level with a deeper conversation. Since the best relationships are a combination of attraction and friendship, you've already got one of those, the question is whether there's enough of the other on his part for him to want to see where that might lead. Don't take his response or non-response personally, though, he may not want anything more than a friendship with anyone - and his commitment issues may not be obvious. Don't assume it's about you!
My insecurities and jealousy pushed away a good man that would do anything for me. After 2 months of no contact I‘Be realized I miss him so much and I wish I could get another chance to fix our relationship. I’ve done the work on myself and I know what it means to be a confident woman with a fulfilling life of my own to attract and keep the spark in my relationship. Now my only concern is how do I get him back without chasing or coming off as needy. I don’t want to show him that side of me so I’m assuming the only thing I can do is wait for him to come back around and pursue me. Until then I’ll continue to work more on myself and focus on accomplishing some self goals that I have.
Have you tried talking to him, Chiquita? Having an honest conversation with him sharing your own heart? If he's one of the good ones, I'd be surprised if he wouldn't at least be open to listening to you. Sure, it's vulnerable, but that's actually the point to see who he is now. And it's sounds a lot better then waiting for anyone to come back around and pursue you. Also, I'd really like to understand more of how your insecurities and jealousy pushed him away. I've worked with a lot of women who've told me this, when it was so clear to me from everything else they said that there was a reason they were so insecure and jealous in the first place and it had everything to do with him, not them!
Hi Jane. I signed up for your class when it was on sale. It was worth doing, and I learned useful stuff, mostly not pretending to be someone you're not. My biggest problem is I'm not sure what I want a relationship to look like, other than being with someone who loves me for the real, authentic me. I'm 61 and have never co-habited with someone romantically (have had platonic roommates). Marriage has never been a goal for me. But living with someone? I just don't know...By the way, I'm gay, so looking for a masculine man, or masculine anyone, just doesn't interest me. But the being truthful part still applies. Thanks Jane.
Love hearing what you learned from my class, Anne. So glad it helped you! It sounds like you're onto something with the clarity piece being the part to take a closer look at. Start with trust/honesty being your top must-have, and work your way down from there. When we're not so sure what we want, or believe it'll "just happen and we'll know", the risk is we're often thrown all kinds of different people to see what sticks compared to when we have more clarity around what we actually know. Another way to look at this, if you're with someone who loves you for the real, authentic you, what does that look like? Who do you become when you're like this? What makes that happen for you? How do you take that feeling with you and make it a part of you? And maybe not marriage, maybe living with someone - this begs the question - what do you know for sure? Or another way of looking at this, what do you own about who you are? You're so welcome!
Well here goes my story. I was married for 40 yrs to the love of my life. He in turn decided he wanted someone more exciting, younger. I'm 62 now in great shape still attractive for a old lady. Haven't dated in three years. Then met this super high energy man at work. He is a player. But younger than me. We have had an affair for 4 months now. I've given him all of me. Now he told me he lives with a woman who is like 33 and doesn't sleep with her and she doesn't do anything like cook or clean...nothing. But has full control of him. He doesn't see me as often and I know I need to walk away stop saying yes to him. I don't love him but have feelings. I want someone who wants me back.
But are those feelings enough, Mary? That's my question for you. You know you're worth more in that you want someone who wants you back, so why him? I'm assuming this "super high energy" guy gave you the equivalent of a new lease on life and gave you some insight into who you're capable of being on your own, apart from him. So what about exploring her? I'll bet your so much more than you think you've got left in you. Without our culture's deeply ingrained messages, who else would you be? What else would you do and what more would you want to do if you gave yourself permission to do all those things and imagine that kind of life that you've caught a glimpse of yourself with this man who was able to bring this out in you? Check in with your conditioning around permission here, Mary, and see what comes up for you. Sure, you can continue this affair if you take only what you want from it and go elsewhere for everything else you need, but only if you can actually do this. Otherwise, you have your answer. And by the way, there have been many women I've worked with who've realized a disconnect between what they thought they wanted and what they've discovered they actually want, and it's been so freeing for them. Maybe that's you, too. Lastly, why do you need to walk away and stop saying yes to him? We rarely do what we're told to do. We always do easily what we actually want to do. So reconile the two. Can you? I know, lots of questions for you today! Hope they help.
I already know what your reply is going to be but unfortunately I am still seeking answers - maybe I just need to hear it in your voice and not my own.
Instead of settling for the tiny little crumbs that come my way, what's missing in me that I can't just say no?
I know that I want more, I know that I deserve everything and more, but yet I still spend a little bit of time texting... talking on the phone, maybe even a bit of sex talk...only hearing from him every few days or so - and then my heart hurts after because it's not what I want.
And when I send a message thr next day, I get zero reply!!!! This is no where near what I truly desire! And it makes me feel ridiculous...even sending this message seeking answers.
Help me stop this madness ONCE AND FOR ALL!!
Please. 😊
I love that you know that you know, Sherry. That's the first part. Most of the women I work with absolutely know their own answers; it's just believing they're right - and trusting themselves! - that they're short on. That's why recognizing the culture we've grown up in that taught us to look outside of ourselves for our truths instead of within - is so important. Nothing outside of us has ever had our best interests at heart - and that's been so detrimental to us and our relationships! So why do we continue to do this - the relaxing our boundaries to talk on the phone "just a little bit" to someone so incapable of giving us more than those crumbs, the descent into his "sex talk" because it's the only thing we feel we still have some power around - because he could still "want us". Oh you're not alone, Sherry. The most telling part - and your way out - is that you can still feel that afterwards - when you reach out this time - and you get no reply, that you feel "ridiculous". See, this is the part that's telling you what to do. What you can live with.
You may not be able to feel it yet with any kind of confidence, because really, how many of us can ever go against the kind of strong programming that has us believing just one more time and it's going to be different! But reminding yourself of how it's going to feel after, reminding yourself that no tiny crumbs from him is going to be worth what you put yourself through after, that's how you're going to stop this. Because we all have our line, we all have our wake-up call, we all have an end to this insanity we keep putting ourselves to. You can either wait for it, or you can keep asking yourself, is this enough?, and choose for yourself when it is.
One last thing, we don't actually believe we're worth it. That's the short answer to all of this. We don't. That's why we have to go out and have a passionate love affair with ourselves the likes of nothing we've ever had before that leads us to rediscover those parts of us we never knew we were capable of. That's why as you're finding out, it's not just about the logic of what or what not to do with him, but the thing we can control which is actually all about us. But we can't get to that part until we get to know our trues selves first. And yes, that parts directly related to the little girl we used to be and it's why I bring her up so much. Having my own kids has only cemented this for me. I see it. I see how it happens from the beginning instead of just in retrospect looking back on my own and other's experiences we can recall from our own experiences. And yes, the pyschology becomes so much more real when you understand it this way. Hope this helps!
Jane, you changed my entire world with "Getting to True Love"program. I am flourishing in all of this chaos with the love of my life. Anyone who needs to reconnect with themselves & find the true love of your life then do Jane's program. It's worth every cent!!! Jane be safe, stay well & continue sharing your wisdom✌❤☺
Oh Marguerite. I'm so thrilled for you! Wow, what a journey you've had and I'm honored to have met you and that you allowed me to be a part of it. Much love to you and the lucky guy who gets to enjoy life with you! Thank you so much for your kind, beautiful words. You, too!
The email I got speaks of that little girl and "where did she go?" Let me tell you. That little girl was shy, easily influenced and very trusting. She didn't believe bad things really could happen to get. Then they did. Very bad things that left her depressed, even suicidal at times. The abuse left her feeling hopeless and worthless. So where did she go? She's fondly remembered but she's gone. You see, I've learned to love myself. Being single has empowered me and taught me that I can rely on myself. I'm very capable, confident, and finally...happy. So it's not tragic at all that the vulnerable, sad girl is changed. The healing process wasn't easy but it was so worth it. I'm worth it.
So many roads to the same place, Robin. I'm so sorry for what you've been through but so happy you've created such a beautiful place for yourself now! Thanks for sharing your story. This is such a big part of separating our programming from our personal reality and discovering the roots to our individual happiness. Never easy but, yes, so worth it!
Hi Jane.
He wants to spend time with me even during this pandemic! He was supposed to come to my apt during this pandemic for a virtual Seder. He told me he wouldn’t be with any one before coming over. Then he sent me a message saying that He went for a drive and told me if I don’t want him over , he gets it. I then asked him if he social distanced himself from people? He got mad at me because I asked him this question... I’m trying to protect myself. He’s mad at me and hasn’t gotten in touch with me at all. Is this normal behaviour?? I’m scared
Only as normal as we allow it to be, Susy. No, it's not normal for a decent person of good character - the only kind you want to be with - who isn't being respectful of your comfort zones, as you obviously believe as well. Regardless of how serious he's taking this current reality or not, this is more about how it's revealing how much he has room for your concerns and getting mad at you because you're asking him a question isn't helping him. I'm sure he'll get in touch with you soon, so when he does, calmly and with confidence own your need here. Let him know matter-of-factly that you're protecting yourself by ensuring he's met your criteria to feel safe and if he's not comfortable with that, you want to hold off on seeing him until we have more data to support our decisions. When we're scared, it's hard to be strong in our positions, Susy, so it sounds like you need to clarify what your comfort level is on this before you can own that enough to convey it in a message he's going to respect and comply with. I just had a call this morning with a man I'm coaching who is having a difficult time knowing what's acceptable behavior from him with a great woman he just started a relationship with right before the pandemic was declared. We settled on a 30 day pause for him for now until we know more, that he realized he could do even though it's not easy, in order to not put this woman in a position of having to make an uncomfortable decision. He's a good guy so we know there are men out there who can do this, too!
Jane - I met this man that I am so drawn to I can’t stop thinking about him. He put me in the friend zone. How do I get out of that and be able to have a relationship with him?
You first need to answer the question of why you're so drawn to and can't stop thinking of someone that only wants to be friends with you, Dawn. The reasons we still want to have a relationship with someone who's telling us he's not on the same page and doesn't want the same thing give us so many answers, so answer that part first. You're not alone on this one!
We have so many things in common. We make each other laugh with witty and sarcastic humor. We text each other often sharing who texts who first. We went on a date before all this social distancing happened and it was wonderful. He grabbed and held my hand as we left the restaurant. He hugged and kissed me and texted me later that evening to say he had a wonderful time. Then the virus hit and we seemed to be I a stall. The lockdown had not happened yet. But I just felt like something changed. So I asked in dating was anything he was even interested in doing. He replied with he thinks I am super cool but not romantically.
Good afternoon...
I was so reluctant to be in a relationship. I found this person in a website and even when I didn't attend to the first and second meeting...he was persistent and I finally got to know him...we have a good conversation and that leads to a some good moments but, his attitude and demands with no respect for my time, end up with a separation.
He looked for 4 months to try again and again, we started working on a beautiful relationship that lasted for 5 months...I found out that he lied to me and sadly pretending being offended we broke up.
I feel hurt...he is not a young man and still, he is playing games with no just one but several women who are visiting him almost every night...
I took care when he got pneumonia and always keep positive and supportive but now...I just have a very painful feeling, disappointed and with all my heart I hope I can forget him forever...
So feel every part of that disappointment and very painful feeling that happens when you have to let go of someone you wish it could be so differently with, Irene. You're not going to be able to forget him forever, but you can choose to accept the reality that he's showing you that you do not want a relationship with a man who's playing games with all these women visiting him almost every night. That's a nightmare, not a relationship! Take all these beautiful qualities of yours - all the caring, giving, supporting, understanding, compassionate parts of you that have you taking care of him when he's only doing the opposite with you, and save them for someone who's actually capable of appreciating all these beautiful things about you, Irene. Do you have an animal or a cause of some sorts to put all this beautiful energy of yours into? Someone's missing out on all these things from you - while this guy makes you feel like it's on you to forget him while he gets away free. There's more anger there then just the pain and disappointment, Irene. Allow yourself to feel that and you're going to get through this much faster than you would otherwise. And about that feeling hurt part - this isn't personal. Don't make it personal. That will help too. If he can do this to you, he's doing this to the others and this is his pattern. It's not you. It's only us when we allow someone to treat us like this. He's going to be there, and the potential of what could have been will be there. But the reality of who he is and who he isn't needs to be the part you pay close attention to. Our programming tells us to look beyond that. Our heartbreak shows us that's the only place that tells the truth.
Going through a divorce after nearly 30 yrs with the same man. My decision to finally do it. Currently seeing a man who says he loves the single life. Great for my situation now, but not for the future. Should I break it off before I fall in love [which I do easily] or keep seeing him and see where it goes?
If I had a dime for every woman who kept going with a man who tells her he loves the single life ... so yes, you know where I'm going with this, Dee. Only if you can stay here in your situation right now without selling yourself short when nothing changes. Only if you can reconcile "I'm not going to fall in love with this man until he's shown me real actions that point to a change in his position" with the fact that you know you fall in love easily. And the likelihood of that happening? Ask any woman on here - it doesn't. You know you've already answered your own question. I'm just confirming what you already know. Sure, he's going to be a lot of fun right now, but how long will that be enough for you?!
You know now where it's going and it's not headed to a good place. I think you'll end up right back where you are now if you even get him to marry you. He sounds like trouble.