It has to get worse before it gets better. I've always felt this, about everything.
We don't do anything different - until we're forced to. We don't change anything that needs to be changed - unless we have to change, even if it's just to maintain the status quo. We can't even see that anything needs to change until we're forced to see what it was so much easier NOT to see.
Until we can't pretend anymore. Until we can't just look away and pretend we don't see it.
I'm reminded of the time my best friend bought a plane ticket she couldn't afford, left her young kids with her husband, to fly clear across the country to try to convince me to see what she could see that I couldn't at the time.
She begged me to leave him, to come back with her, to see what I wasn't seeing, to believe her when she was telling me I was losing myself in him and settling for crumbs. It was breaking her heart to see me this way, and yet still, it didn't move me.
I told her she didn't know what she was talking about. That I was only telling her the awful things when it was bad but most of the rest of the time it was good, that she just wasn't hearing from me then.
She left without convincing me.
Why?
Because it wasn't bad enough.
I had become so insulated to it; so used to the crumbs he threw me that had become my routine I didn't even realize I could ever expect anything different from someone else because they just wouldn't be HIM. I needed him. I wanted only him.
Nothing changed.
I stayed. I settled. I only tried harder to be more of what might change him back to who he was in the beginning.
Until it got worse. Until I was sure he was cheating on me.
Until I was following him home from the bars, debating whether to call the police on him drinking and driving in front of me. Until I was crying myself to sleep at night, alone. Until he was choosing porn over me.
Finally, something was bad enough. I still didn't leave, but I said something. I'd regret it in the morning and try to turn back the clock and take it back. But it was too late.
I told him I was tired of staying there for him, so far from home, so far from all my friends and my life. Unleashed, I went on and on. Until he stopped me with the words, I didn't ask you to stay.
You know the rest of the story. I wrote about it here.
But every time I think about all of us here, and why we don't do anything different until we're forced to, I'm reminded of this ...
It has to get worse before it can get better.
For us. For our well-being. For our peace of mind. For our best-interest. For our mental health.
For our survival.
It gets worse before it can get better, Beautiful. Don't be afraid of it.
With this, too. With whatever you're going through right now. With everything. You won't see it now, so don't even try to. But I want you to know, this isn't how it ends. It's better on the other side of the going through.
Even if you can't see that from where you are now.
Love,
Jane
What are you going through right now? What are you fighting? What are you struggling with? If you're searching for the comfort of normal right now, wanting someone back to make at least one thing all better, you can write about it here, in the comments below.
I have had a not so great relationship for 29 years now alot of mental abuse I was not raised like that but he was he haves also cheated on me with my bestfriend they had a child togther which I treat her like my own daughter but now I have been threw so much I don't even know who I am anymore I do want to leave the relationship but not sure if I should go or stay anymore when someone be little you so much I don't know if I have the strength anymore but I do know that is what's best for everyone my kids and me and even him we all need to be happy but just seems like when am going to do it something happens and I cant so I feel like maybe this is what my life is suppose to be unhappy sad all the time please help me with some advice thank you
For my boyfriend not to be like my last one's, they cheated, lied, and abused me sexually. But my boyfriend today don't abuse me sexually, but he's alway's flirting with other women, and he think's there's nothing wrong with it, but I do, in the lord's eye's that's still cheating. I believe in that too whole heartedly. A man that loves you should flirt or look else were. That don't show true love to me at all. I've been cheated on by every partner I had, and that's not a nice feeling what so ever. How do you feel about this topic ? 😊❤
I connected with a long time friend months after my husband passed.
(Husband was not faithful). My son went in phone , saw some pictures and called my friend) I know it wasn’t a nice conversation. My friend after sometime started pulling back. I feel so alone and sad because when we reconnected I that spark was still there. I’ve tried online dating but it sucks. The caliber of men that respond Is unbelievable . No one really seems to understand what I’m going through. Thank you for listening!!
I have ended an 18 year relationship which was cold and made me feel unwanted and unloved, this was in the middle of me moving to another country where I met a man who was already in a relationship. He had worked for me and we had become friends and messaged daily on whatsapp but as soon as my relationship ran in to trouble things changed, he started pursuing me, bringing gifts, messaging all day. We eventually started an affair although I wasn't happy about this, but he always avoided any talk of a relationship or him leaving his girlfriend. I went back to UK for 2 months and he became quite serious, said he loved me so I left my partner and moved back to country to make a new start. Only to find nothing had changed.
He wont visit me in lockdown and I find myself completely alone in a foreign country, although he continues to send messages and kisses in WhatsApp.
I get lots of offers from other men but he gets jealous and i feel unfaithful for even considering it!
How ridiculous that???
I lost the love of my life. The man I had been waiting for my whole life. I hope you’re right. I hope it gets better. Being isolated with heartbreak is unbearable.
I met a man who didn't have time and I wasted too much time thinking of him. I met another man who appeared to like me but he also had too much baggage and wants to be just friends. I don't hear from him more than about once a week. I have worked through Jane's course and really built up my strong independent life. I know I don't need a man and I am preparing to go back to work with the NHS, such an important thing to do . I received an unexpected voicemail from the first guy last night, 4 months from our last meeting. It was an ego boost for me for a change and I am strong enough to realise that he was not the one for me after all. I will not be seeing him or making first contact with the other man. I know he is a good guy but I have not had the chance to really get to know him and will believe that he is not ready for me.
My family and good friends are in contact with me every day and I am excited to get back to work, despite current infection risks. Life is short and I am empowered to get the most out of it and taking every opportunity available to me to live happily and the best I can.
I was in a bad place in the begining of the year and cannot believe I let a man do this to me. I send my love to all the ladies writing in but please don't let a man control your future happiness.
I’m in a long distance relationship with a man that’s in and out emotionally this pandemic isn’t helping we have been back and forth on the airplane visiting each other His son’s and friends like me and we get along fine until there is any intimacy he messaged me everyday with good morning sweetheart I feel like I’m losing him what can I do ? I’am a retired business woman with a good self esteem and I can’t believe I’m asking for help but i’am he
USA widow of 2.5 years and struggles with his feelings
Broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years this week. He's 40 and I'm 38.
I want a family, children and he still isn't ready for that, he still doesn't know if he wants kids. He says he's working on it and I asked me to be patient. I've been hearing that for at least a year. He says I push him, that I want things my way and fast, that he can't keep up.
He's a really good person and does all in his power to make me happy. Everthing but move in with me and start a family. He cooks for me, treats me like a princess... during the weekends. Then I go to my house and come back the next Friday... I don't want to do that anymore. But we broke up beacause of ME. I couldn't wait, I couldn't be patient, I want things my way and too fast.
Is that so wrong to want a family at my age? I think we both should know what we want by now.
At the same time why am I so broken hearted? Feeling guilty that maybe I should have been more patient? Why am I so sad if I listened to my gut?
I could use some guidance... thank you!
HI Anna,
I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Your needs and wants are important, and clearly having a family is a priority. Don't compromise or give this up if that's what you want. A year of him saying he's not ready? I think by 40 if he's not ready now, well?
Good for you for standing up for what you want and your own needs. If he really wants to be with you then he will be the one to realise what he's giving up and how important you really are to him. I'd say you've been patient enough.
Wishing you well
Hi,
What am I going through?
Well,I have been married now for a year and a half (second marriage) and things haven't been a piece of cake.
Let me start the story....
I was married to my first husband for 26 years,always listening to my Dads voice in my head of "Have supper made when your husband gets home to let him know you love him" which I followed like clockwork,and "never go to bed angry" which I didn't follow but tried.
My point was,I listened to my Dad about men,and I was nieve and I thought that in order to be a good wife,I had to make sure MY husband was taken care of.
The thing I forgot was ME! I put myself in a place in my mind that I was "below" my husband in my needs..
My husband ignored me for the last 15 years of our marriage with "gaming" and he developed a porn addiction that he denied.
Anyhow, I divorced him and met a wonderful man that I adore and I decided to marry HIM after 3 years of dating.
My story goes to this now in my life...
I have been married to this man for a year and a half,and I have learned that the man I married has a anger issue and rage attacks. This lovely man I married is NOT perfect like I thought, and this wonderful man has hurt me emotionally with name calling and control.
I told him that we needed to go to counseling if he wanted to stay married,and he agreed.
The good news is that we are indeed going to counseling and it does help a lot. But back to the bad is I feel torn down and my heart is broken which I have told our counselor in front of my husband (everything I say is in front of my husband),but I hate saying "my truth" because I know it will hurt him.
I believe in the golden rule,and even though he has emotionally hurt me,I dont believe in hurting him.
I feel like a part of me has died,and I'm trying to get myself back,but now I am extremely guarded and I feel that I can't let THAT go.
Again,our counselor hears it all,but again,I just am feeling like I have list myself.
Any recommendations?
I'm struggling with so much anxiety not only due to the Corona.... but my husband of 35 years walked out on me and said he doesn't love me anymore..
I feel so alone ... scared unsure about what the future holds for me.... I'm trying to stay positive and move on but I'm just stuck
I’m sorry that is a lot to handle what can you do for you? A project that you enjoy or have in the past or something new walks new friends ona dating site just to talk prayers and believe in yourself