I talk a lot about programming on here and there's a reason why.
The way we've been brought up and conditioned to believe the things we accept as truth about ourselves, about men, about relationships, about what's normal in general, are all because of the way we've specifically been programmed.
It isn't your fault that you're only attracting a certain kind of man.
It isn't because there's something wrong with you that you can't seem to get over what's been fed to you as truth.
Come back with me to when you were just a young girl learning about the world.
Now imagine being that impressionable little girl entering puberty, trying to figure out for yourself what it means to be a woman in a world of men.
And then imagine being told by your mother that God made women to have curves and breasts solely for the pleasure of men. Imagine the way you view the world, men, and your role as a woman, through that lens!
Do you grow up respecting yourself, understanding boundaries (much less the whole concept that you even have a right to them) and attracting healthy relationships with healthy men?
No, of course not.
You're there to please men, to serve as a sexual, objectified image for them.
Self-esteem? Self-dignity? You don't even understand the concept of those if you were raised like this. And it's why even questioning any of this seems so foreign to you. What you do understand - too well - is doing, pleasing, getting a man to fall in love with you.
Now imagine that same little girl being told you own your own body, that men are your equals, that boundaries are the most important thing you can ever learn & that a real relationship involves two real imperfect human beings, on the same page, looking for the same thing - compatible in the most important things that matter that have everything to do with character and substance and morals and values - who find each other and relate to each other as equals.
Are you understanding this better now?
No, it was never your fault. You know which little girl you were and you've lived through the full effect of being that little girl growing up to become the woman you are now.
Imagine you had been the other little girl. Just for a moment.
Close your eyes and just think about how different you would see yourself. How different you would see yourself in relation to men.
How different your relationships would be.
And not just you. Imagine if all of us were that little girl instead.
Equals. Partners. Soul Mates. Lovers.
Just imagine what a different world this would be!
What about you? How were you brought up? How were you programmed to see love, sex, intimacy, men and relationships? Share your own story in the comments below. I love hearing from you!
I don't see myself as either little girl. My parents had a loving relationship. We were told I love you every day and kissed our parents good night. My parents would hug us as we walked by...for no reason. I think my dad was the greatest man I've ever known! But I think my struggles came from high school. I was Never asked to any school dance. I was never included in anything the fun crowd did even though they were the kids I spent all my time with in school. I was shy and seemingly insignificant except with my own group of friends. I had a very skinny pretty sister who was in modeling and although I was thin too I didn't realize it until now that I'm fat. I'm 58 and never married, when that's what I always wanted! I've been in 4 relationships and have had my heart broken 4x, with this last time sending me into a tailspin of self-hatred. I have given my all...in every way possible. And here I am...still alone!
Hi Mavis,
Your comment really touched me. I can relate in so many ways to what you've said, even the part about your sister and high school.
I would just tell you that we are our own person and hard as it is we can't fall into the trap of letting others make us decide who we are. It feels like you're alone- especially during these times but life will eventually get back to normal. You still have time- plenty to find what you're searching for. That person is there, you just have to allow yourself to find him.
I'm still struggling with all of this too but am slowly finding peace within myself and knowing that I won't compromise just to be with someone. Please don't give up and mostly don't blame yourself for past heartbreaks, it only means he just wasn't the one and someone else is there waiting for you.
Stay well Mavis, wishing you well.
I was not raised in the first way that you described. My parents never said I was for men’s pleasure . They wanted me to find some one who would respect and love me for who I am. One who would not abuse me knock me up then run off. That’s basically what was put in to my head. I of course went for the abusive ones always hearing my dad in the back of my mind don’t get knocked up by these kind of guys. So I never did. My dad was not physically abusive but he did yell a lot. Not sure why I keep going for this kind of guy. Even after I have been with ones who are not abusive.
I too was neither little girl. Raised in a strict pentecostal home until i was 14. My parents treated me like a grown up from 14 onward. My mother never spoke a word about sex, love menstrual cycles. Nothing...i figured it out on my own. I am now 47 been married and divorced 4 times, I've cheated in every relationship I've ever been in always searching for that special one I guess...I'm not certain what I'm searching for really, just know I've never been satisfied with any 1 man. I have a tendency to be the caregiver who will also us my money to keep a man happy with me. They've all been verbally and physically abusive. I am currently single and dating which is not working out well at all. I have a 14 yr old daughter who i am doing my best to teach her things my mother never taught me. I also struggle with depression from being alone. I think i have a co dependency personality. I depend on men for my happiness. Im pretty sure i need more help than reading a couple books. Can someone my age be reprogrammed and what extreme methods would you recommend?
I don't really remember being taught about my body. My mom told me about sex but not the emotional stuff. Or anything about how to use my sexuality.
I hope it helps to see why we don't understand the emotional part of intimacy and relationships, Evelyn. It isn't that you should know. It's that you were never told.
I had been raised as the only little girl in a village with many young boys with 6 individuals going into puberty where most of the boys would try and lure where there was privacy for them to as we call it jerk off. I moved to another village where I took care of a blind woman and her adult son told me it was natural for us to see eachother in private while he groped me. In the following summer and age 11 I had been brutally raped by my own cousin and when I went back to the other village I would submit to the groping man so I would not be beaten and bitten not knowing I could say "no"!!!
Oh Nora, I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for that little girl in you!
Jane,
I grow up with single mom who work two jobs to keep roof over my brother and I head and food on the table. Pretty much I raised myself and when I was fourteen she moved in with Her boyfriend in another town. She would come by on a Saturday for few hours to put food in the house and to pick up our laundry. My father came into my life when I was 13 And that was short live. A year later he and his family move out of the state without saying a word and that was end of that relationship. Now I am 49 and still struggling with any Kind of Intimate relationship.
I'm so sorry, Julie. I hope it helps you understand why.
I also was neither of those little girls. My mother never discussed relationships with me, let alone sex. My father was distant and we spoke hardly ever. My parents seemed like two people who were just there.
I grew up floundering and wanting to meet someone who would be my dream man, but had no idea what that was. I went from one to the next, never really having anyone, but trying sooooo hard to be wanted and loved. Older life relationships- well seems I choose the men that need to be taken care of and I'm still in the background. They take- I give and it repeats.
I only hope that I have laid much more clear and positive foundation for my daughter, that she is confident in who she is and knows that a man is not what happiness depends on. The man who will love her for who she is may be out there somewhere, but if not- it's all ok.
Our daughters have a way of understanding even the things we don't say, Julia. She's lucky to have you as her mom! And I have a feeling she's going to understand this concept far more than we ever could without someone sharing this truth with us.
I was neither little girl, but my parents raised me with knowing love, being told "I love you", by two people with respect and tolerance toward each other. They also never discussed sex but I guess that's because it wasn't proper it was private. I never got the lessons I had to "feel" myself through relationships and whether it was "feel good" or "feel bad" I would go with the flow. My expectations on the other person were based on the Golden Rule system (my values, morals, etc. I was raised with) without effective communication. Not good for lasting relationships this day and age or with low self-esteem and abandonment issues. I still haven't got it but I'm working hard at it because I want to be a great partner.
And it's that openness and awareness that makes all the difference in relationships, Carolyn. Those are beautiful qualities to have! And learning to communicate assertively in a way that honors both people is something that benefits everyone. You need to feel safe with someone to communicate like this at all. In fact, most of our communication issues stem from not feeling safe, not because of some inadequacy in ourselves. We have to first understand what "emotionally safe" even means.
I was the daughter of a disabled World WarII veteran, and a self absorbed singer who was avid about getting on with her career. My dad lost his leg. He married my mother like that, but soon after it became a problem. He was insecure, withdrawn, but yet very strong inside. To top it off, my mother's mother moved in with us. She was an abusive ball of fire who blew up at the drop of a hat. I was raised in the middle of a war zone. I chose an abusive alcoholic for a husband, had two sons with him. Divorced and left him after eleven years. Now it seems I am repeating it all over again with one son who doesn't talk to me, and when he does, it's nothing but abuse. But my older son who was always in trouble, turned out to be loving and kind. I just don't get it.
Not surprising, Cindy. Be proud of yourself for finding your way out and now find your own beautiful strength that comes from that soft place inside you, not the hard, protective one. You're allowed to have boundaries and it doesn't have to be one extreme or the other. We need to learn to let ourselves be loved and treated with kindness by the ones capable of these, and not keep trying to get those same things from the ones who aren't. That's a start.
I was the first little girl with no boundaries and I have had a very low self esteem but I learned to hide it and be “fake confident” which worked for me with one good man and I walked away from him and right out of our relationship with little explanation and I am always worried more about other people than myself and if they are happy then I’m not really but I can pretend to be a lot better. I have felt like a lot of bricks have been on my back for about a week now and I have been emotional as well like almost psycho emotional and the man I am really wanting has been seeing this. I’m scared to tell him how I feel about him because he has to be a little bit freaked out by my recent behavior. I am not feeling too emotional this week but it’s still like a lot of pressure is on me. I hope that gives you more information so you can let me know what I can do to make up for my psychotic week and make myself a better vibes person. An attractive feminine energy woman.
We can be triggered by so many things that bring out our most anxious behaviours, Elizabeth. Accepting this about ourselves is a place to start. What you're describing sounds a lot like codependency and it's a word that's familiar to so many of us here. Start with having grace for yourself, by focusing on your own needs for a change, and prioritizing taking care of yourself emotionally before anyone or anything else. What do you fear? What are you afraid of that makes you act this way? Identifying the underlying fear helps. Having the same grace you have for everyone else helps. Remembering this is temporary and tomorrow is a new day with a fresh start helps. Learing to ride the waves of our emotions helps, too. Wait to tell him how you feel about him until you're feeling better about yourself. Lighten it up by remembering who you were when you were fearless - that was all of us at one time before we learned we were supposed to be something else. You're human and so is he!
I was neither of those two little girls. My Mom (my parents) didn't teach me about love - they never told me "I love you". They didn't teach me about self-love or self-respect. My Mom said "self-pride" stinks. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and she frequently expressed this to me. I was raised in a home where (though I could not cognitvely have expressed this feeling) I believed that I was born to serve my family, my parents and siblings. I did not exist as an entity unto myself. I did not exist as a person worthy. So, I was not taught about love, or intimacy, or relationships or about men (what I learned from my father was that men are distant and non-communicative; that they do not stick up for you. I was not worthy of that). And sex was a taboo subject, especially as a young girl; to have those thoughts or ideas made me a pervert. I was a servant, not a "person", not worthy. I did not exist.
Oh Sharon, how my heart goes out to you. The irony is that you were only mirroring back how they felt about themselves. You were the one who existed more than them!