He Says They're My Feelings and He Can't Change Them

Our letter this week comes from beautiful Anna. She's having doubts about a man she's been dating for a year and a half and isn't sure what she should do with them. I have some thoughts for her and after hearing her story, I'm sure you will, too.

Here's her email:

Dear Jane,

I have been reading your emails for some time and they are very encouraging so I would like to thank you for that.

I've been dating this man for a year and a half. He is kind, and a good man, and we are in exclusive relationship. He treats me well, he says he loves me and that he is in love with me. However, when I am with him, sometimes I feel I work hard for his attention.

I feel like he is distracted with his thoughts.My life is all put together: I got over my divorce, I own my home and a good job. The only thing I want is love. My boyfriend deals with his job and trying to make more money, his living arrangements are not ideal either.

I know that he has been stressed out like that since we've known each other. I talked to him many times about what's going on, and he told me he wants me on this path with him, even though he goes through so much...in his life.

But sometimes I feel that he doesn't adore me and that he doesn't love me.

I expressed that I am very touchy person, I need hugs and sex, etc.,  and most of the times I have to start if I want anything to happen because he barely touches me, and that makes me feel down and unattractive.

Often I have these empty feelings after he leaves because we barely kiss and not even talking about having sex. (I am 41 and he is 53 so I don't know that it is because of his age.)

We had another argument last night because "I'm hormonal" (that time of the month) and needed his closeness and I feel I am being treated like a friend (no kisses, no hugs, no showing attraction).

I told him how he makes me feel and he told me that he loves me but these are my feelings and he can't change them.

Everyone says that we should trust our intuition, and my intuition is telling me that I love him but I have this feeling that he can't give me the things I want from him. I want a man who wants family and progress in our relationship, and he wouldn't mind that, but I don't know if this is his priority right now...

I know that this might sound confusing but I have been thinking like that for a long time so I thought you might give me your words of wisdom.

Thank you for everything that you do. Your encouragements help me to go through hard times.

Anna

My Response:

I'm so glad you reached out, Anna and I'm glad you're finding my messages encouraging. It's so hard to struggle through relationships feeling all alone.

This sentence stood out for me, when you say "I told him how he makes me feel and he told me that he loves me but these are my feelings and he can't change them." At face value it may seem like he's simply owning what's his and asking you to own what's yours, but look deeper and there's something more here.

Who says this when you tell someone how you feel? Who responds like this? Someone who you feel safe with? Someone you can trust with your heart? Someone you can depend on to be there for you when you need him the most?

Ask yourself these questions, Anna, because I think they're going to be telling for you.

We always look at all the details and try to analyze them all and come to some understanding of why he does what he does. But what really matters is what all these things taken together in the big picture tell you about the compatibility of you and someone who responds with something like this when you're sharing your heart.

Yes, you love him, and yes, you're absolutely right that he can't give you the things you want from him. Both of these can be true at the same time.

But what does it mean if you love someone who says he "wouldn't mind" the family and progress you want to see in your relationship, but he doesn't do anything to make that real with you?

You don't have to love that part of him, but does it affect the parts you do love? And what about the part of you that craves the physical touch and attention to feel loved; can you just put that in some kind of perspective so you don't keep having to deal with the disappointment of hoping to get more from him?

Or does that only feed the feeling that there's one more thing "wrong" with you?

These questions matter, Anna. And what we do with who someone is and what they're capable of and what they're not, matters too.

What about not working for his attention? What about letting him be who he is without taking everything he says and does or doesn't say or doesn't do that you want him to, on yourself? Would that be enough to change things for you?

One last thing, Anna. This part about you being "hormonal". This is something that's been used to control and shame women forever.

Think about how you feel when someone says you're hormonal or even talking about it being "that time of the month". It's not just biological hormones they're talking about. It's a feeling of shame many of us feel, that we've been conditioned to feel.

The arguments come from our own shame, from our own deeply wounded programming about being a woman that most of us are completely unaware of, having accepted this verdict passed down through our maternal generations - it's our fault for feeling, for having emotions, for being a woman.

Men can be "hormonal" and moody and overly-sensitive and overly emotional and everything else we're accused of and we've put up with being accused of, too.

Make any decision you feel you need to make based on reality, not on a fantasy of what he could be or might be but is clearly showing you he is. A year and half is long enough to see a pattern of behavior with someone. And words that put this all on you are showing exactly who he is.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

What about you? Any advice for Anna? Let her know in the comments below!