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Archives for January 2020

Is He Just "Not Ready"?

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A beautiful woman is holding her head in her hands wondering if her boyfriend who has commitment issues is just playing games or if he wants a committed relationship.
Maybe I just need to move on.

Our letter this week comes from, Vicki, who's wondering if the man she feels a special connection with in their on-again, off-again relationship, will ever be ready for a real, committed relationship.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I love your programs and I am really relating to some of the stuff you say. I particularly relate to Sue's letter.

I have had an on/off relationship with a guy for just over 15 months.

I am 51 and have sorted my life out, he is 53 and hasn't.

He has not sorted out all the baggage from his marriage - i.e. not divorced, just now selling the home because he is having financial trouble.

The trouble comes from being depressed or bi-polar or chronic fatigue that led to a truck load of self-esteem issues and to top it off he has 2 young girls (4 and 10) as well as 2 older boys.

So his life is hard.Continue Reading

Which Little Girl Were You?

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A beautiful young woman is standing near the beach in a dress.
What if you were that other girl?

I talk a lot about programming on here and there's a reason why.

The way we've been brought up and conditioned to believe the things we accept as truth about ourselves, about men, about relationships, about what's normal in general, are all because of the way we've specifically been programmed.

It isn't your fault that you're only attracting a certain kind of man.

It isn't because there's something wrong with you that you can't seem to get over what's been fed to you as truth.

Come back with me to when you were just a young girl learning about the world.

Now imagine being that impressionable little girl entering puberty, trying to figure out for yourself what it means to be a woman in a world of men.

And then imagine being told by your mother that God made women to have curves and breasts solely for the pleasure of men. Imagine the way you view the world, men, and your role as a woman, through that lens!Continue Reading

My Boyfriend Keeps Breaking Up With Me and Coming Back

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A couple enjoying embrace of each other and tenderly smiling
Why does he keep breaking up, then 3 days later he says he made a mistake?

This week's letter comes from Sue, who's wondering if it's normal for her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years to keep breaking up with her, then saying he made a mistake and wanting to get back together.

She's unfortunately not alone here, as many of the women I work with have similar stories to her - one of the most common questions I get is "Why does my boyfriend keep breaking up with me and coming back?"

His ambivalence is part of a larger problem, and I go into detail about that in my response here. I hope it helps both you, Sue, as well as others of you going through this right now.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

The same situation as you described about breaking up after 3-4 months in a perfect relationship happened to me. Then in 3 days he called and said he made a mistake. We have broken up probably six times and gotten back together in a 2 1/2 year relationship.

We can't stay away from each other.Continue Reading

The One Thing You Were Never Meant to Do

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A brunette woman feeling lonely in her relationship sits looking at the ocean.
Let's try something different this time.

You were never supposed to fit in.

Not the way you thought.

You with your one of a kind way of seeing the world.

You with your own unique essence of being in the world. No, you were never supposed to fit in.

You know why you feel like there must be something wrong with you?

Because everyone's been trying to get you to conform and fit in the way they wanted you to your entire life.

Now imagine you trying to go against the grain and resist that when that's all you've ever had reinforced for you.

Not easy, is it? Continue Reading

He Says They're My Feelings and He Can't Change Them

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Woman lying in bed upset, wondering if she chased him away
The only thing I want is love.

Our letter this week comes from beautiful Anna. She's having doubts about a man she's been dating for a year and a half and isn't sure what she should do with them. I have some thoughts for her and after hearing her story, I'm sure you will, too.

Here's her email:

Dear Jane,

I have been reading your emails for some time and they are very encouraging so I would like to thank you for that.

I've been dating this man for a year and a half. He is kind, and a good man, and we are in exclusive relationship. He treats me well, he says he loves me and that he is in love with me. However, when I am with him, sometimes I feel I work hard for his attention.

I feel like he is distracted with his thoughts.Continue Reading

You're Not Your Story

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A beautiful woman looking down sadly, trying to let go and move on.
We've all been told a story about ourselves.

I took my own advice.

I poured my heartbreak into something that needed me; someone that needed me. A dog who was labeled with severe separation anxiety; rescued from a shelter that couldn’t keep her.

And then I noticed something so similar to what I notice with you.

You’re not your label. You’re not what you’re telling yourself you are. You’re not your story.

You’re not the self-fulfilling prophecy you’ve made your life because you were with all the wrong people and all the wrong environments that only reinforced this inherent belief system in you.

In psychology, we call this confirmation bias.

We’re given a label. We’re told a story about ourselves. And then once it’s been positively reinforced often enough, we go looking for evidence to confirm that same label, that same story, that same narrative that’s become our truth.Continue Reading

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