Is it worth it? Is it?
Every rejection. Every loss. Every devastating heartbreak.
You don’t just feel it. You feel it in every part of your being. You live it.
It doesn’t just hurt. It stings like nothing you’ve ever felt.
Until it happens again.
And you experience it all over again.
Is it ever worth it?
That’s the question we need the answer to. Because it doesn’t feel like it.
Give us something that shows having such sensitive hearts like ours are worth it. We need to know it is.
We lost one of our sweet dogs unexpectedly yesterday. He’s had a heart murmur for a while, but today something was different, and he struggled to take a breath. We took him to see the veterinarian and they gave him some oxygen, which helped, but when it came time to transport him to overnight care, he didn’t make it past the car ride.
I believe once he saw his whole family together including his two brothers all in the car, he had everything he needed to pass peacefully.
I’m reminded of this again today as I grieve the loss of this sweet little guy - I could tell you all kinds of stories about that made him so unique. But it’s the words of the sensitive-hearted veterinarian's assistant that come back to me.
“In times like these it’s so hard to have our kinds of hearts”
She’s right.
At times of loss, whatever our loss might be, it is so very hard to have hearts like ours. So hard.
Hearts that feel everything so deeply and suffer through each agonizingly painful loss.
Whether we’re losing the guy who promised everything or the man who showed so much potential only we could see, or the opportunity we worked so hard for, or our one chance to finally be loved, or the friend or family member or furry little guy so good at doling out unconditional love, if we’re us, we feel it with every part of our being.
Is it worth it? Is it ever worth it?
When all it feels like is loss after loss, devastating disappointment after disappointment, dashed dreams and hopes.
Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we didn’t feel everything like we do? If we didn’t feel the pain like it cuts through to our hearts? Wouldn’t this life be so much easier if we were anything but this sensitive heart we hold in our beings?
No!
It only seems that way when we’re in it, when we’re suffering through it. When our nights are longer than our days. When the tears are enough to fill the oceans and our practical thinking can’t compete with every feeling part of our being.
But to lose that? To not feel like we do? Oh, Beautiful, you’d miss so much. Your life wouldn’t be lived in color. The things that bring you joy would lose their flavor. The other side of not feeling would be not living to you. And to you who knows better, it would be the death of you. To not feel, to not embrace, to not extend, to not reach for, to not see or hear or touch everything that comes back to see and hear and touch every part of you. You could never call that living to live your life like this!
But every time we go through something that reminds us how painful this side of feeling can be, we’re given a chance to harden our hearts, to put our walls up, to trade who we are for something that could never compare to the essence of who we are.
Easier? Maybe. But in the long run? You’d miss so much, Beautiful.
Life isn’t about merely existing. It’s about living in the rain or the sunshine.
There's a rawness about feeling like this, experiencing life like this that connects you with other like-minded hearts and souls that you wouldn't otherwise know exist. There's a community of people just like you that you wouldn't know without this part of you revealed.
Cry those tears. Let them fall. Share them with the ones who understand only because they’ve been there, too.
Not in spite of your tender, feeling, sensitive heart. But BECAUSE of it!
Love every feeling part of you, Beautiful!
Love,
Jane
Ever thought it would be easier if you didn’t feel so much? Me, too. Share your story in the comments below. I feel every one of your losses right along with you!
Sometimes having deep feelings can be so overwhelming that I want to isolate and not feel at all. I let go of a man I was in love with because he was never able to return my feelings and this hurts so profoundly there are days I just want to die. Thank you for sharing your words- it’s nice to know I’m not alone in this struggle. I hope I can let go of the feelings I have for him one day.
Not alone at all, Rachael. I don't think any of us who've been through this feel any other way. You will, but don't focus on that right now. Shift all that love and care and compassion and grace to you and you'll find your feelings about him will take care of themselves.
I’ve been talking to a man for 8 months. He is overseas most of it but comes home ever couple months. When he is gone I am everything. When he comes home he doesn’t want to talk or he is busy. As I’m writing this I feel so stupid that I even let this happen. The red flags and the writing on the wall is so clear but here we are.
Don't take that on yourself, Shannon. Not stupid. You're doing the best you can with what you know. There's so much subconscious here that we don't even realize. We unlet it happen the same way we let it happen, coming back to ourselves with love, grace, and compassion for what we wanted it to be and couldn't make it be all alone.
So sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful companion passing on, Jane. He knew the right time to go, with everyone around who loved him. He definitely spent his time with the right family.
Blessings to all of you
The recent message that I had received from you felt like a jigsaw puzzle to me. I was crying relentlessly over the past few weeks over a heartbreak. There wasn’t even an “us” in the first place but we had both connected deeply and began to attached emotionally with each other. I met him in a dating site 3 months ago. He had shared some of his life experiences with me, even those hurtful and happiest moments that he have. While I, who is naturally a bit reserved, tried hard not to get too “emotionally invested” on him. But, it happened so fast where I began to gradually opened up to him, and he felt so happy about it. It’s as if he had managed to break down the walls I’ve been raising for almost 3 yrs now, and that is from my last, painful break up. Then, I started to like him little by little which I find weird since I have this notion that people can’t possibly develop feelings with just chatting, video calling or audio calling. However, I was wrong. Then, when he had shared his past relationships and even his recent involvement or dating with a girl, I felt a pang of jealousy, with a heavy weight crushing down on my chest. He wanted to talk to me but I refused at first. I want to take some time to process this bizarre emotions that I have. To be honest, I never knew what that was. And I was so confused. He then asked me out for dinner or even a coffee but I told him what for, to ask for his advice? Or to look pathetic in front of him? Where it was obvious he likes her and not me? I know it was absurd but I was having an emotional breakdown at that time.
He even told me to visit him on where is currently living. I was reluctant and honestly told him I am not used to travelling, specially, when meeting a person for the first time which I only met online. Then, he told me I can search for any available friend/s if it’s too hard for me to travel. But, all my of friends have refused due to their job. I finally told him it’s not going to happen. He was disappointed at me for giving him high hopes. I apologised and sincerely told him I should have not done that if I was still undecided.
And because of this, he told me exactly we can’t have an LDR situation and he was against it. I got surprised since I have not mentioned anything. I didn’t even know what am I to him. Or what is going on between us. Despite of saying that he likes me but, it was still unconvincing for me. I even told him if he was just playing mind games with me but replied it wasn’t a game at all! Also, I have asked what was his real intentions but he often gave vague answers. The painful part was he initiated we both should talk less but he would still reply to my messages. I let him do all these things without realising I should be the one to say all of these. I am the one who has been hurt greatly but he was acting more guilty and frustrated than I am.
Now, I am trying my best not to communicate with him and he is also started avoiding me.
I am in so much pain right now. I had never felt like this before.
Wish I didn’t meet him...wish I haven’t like him...and I wish I had never expressed all my emotions with him....
Hi Ella,
I couldn't help but be drawn to your post. I get where you are and the fear of meeting someone who could actually be the person you never really had.
It's so difficult to let the emotions out freely- I know this too because I've had a very similar experience recently. Met a great guy, so good to me, so patient, open with his feelings, and me who has been hurt so many times doesn't trust him or believe that anyone could really be genuine and want to treat me well. I'm still hesitant to say how I really feel, but he's ok with that- for now anyway.
I would only say if you feel for this guy LDR or not, and he treats you well, follow your instinct. Once we shut everyone out it's really hard to open up and let them in again. It's hard to trust when you've been let down before, but sounds like he's being honest with you- I hope you find what is best in your heart and you allow yourself to be happy again. Have faith in yourself and who you are.
Thank you Ms. Julia for your words of wisdom. I know he’s a nice guy. Even though I didn’t meet him face-to-face, I can sense that he’s kind and sweet, too. He’s just a jerk sometimes co’s his making me cry . Lol. However, it’s true that somehow he’s being sincere with all he’s said to me. He might not want to hurt me in the first place but he have to. I don’t know.
It’s just so hard to admit things got escalated between us, and it ended pretty quickly. When I already got emotionally attached to him, and he as well. When I was envisioning him as a suitable pair for me, who can understand my moodiness and is more calm than I am. He was able to let down my guard and I have learned to express my emotions and thoughts which I rarely do. He had been both a good and bad mentor to me. Haha. I guess liking him wasn’t enough. He even told me maybe feeling too much for me is not good at all. And I felt the same way too. 🙁
But I wish his happiness. Even had encouraged him to meet other gals out there, that are more nearer to him. Besides, he has been alone for many years now. He should find a lifelong partner already. Though it’s hurtful on my side, that was the best advice I can think of at that time. :’)
It is a like a jigsaw puzzle, Ella, and one we have to figure out by finding the pieces that fit together one piece at a time. Sometimes it's clear, other times it's anything but clear. You've so accurately pieced together my message here. Stay here with it. You don't have to have all your answers at once. It's in the journey as much as the end result and no one knows your answers or the way the pieces eventually come together better than a beautiful feeler just like you!
My condolences for the loss of your furry baby, Jane. He was so lucky to have you as his familly till the very last second of his journey.
And in general, you are so right, it is worth it. At the moment of goodbye it might feel otherwise... but it truly is. Sharing your love and warmth reflects on you. A bit brighter, a bit warmer, a bit softer 🙂 And life gives that light back to you -- sometimes from unexpected sources. I like to call those moments everyday miracles.
Thank you for your beautiful words, Velvet. They do reflect on us, oh how they do. I've come to call them that, too.