Years of walking through heartbreak, both my own and with you, have confirmed one very specific thing; we don't get over it, avoid it, or use strategies to keep it from affecting us.
We walk through it. We feel it.
All of it.
There are women who follow a practical "3-step guide" to getting over a guy and that’s all they need.
They get a new hairstyle.
They get a makeover.
They buy some new clothes.
Maybe they take a trip somewhere.
But that’s not you.
No, you feel everything.
Every memory. Every reminder. Every touch. Every word. Every reminder. You took in everything and you were in heart, body and soul.
This is why that 3 steps to getting over him thing never works for you.
You poured every part of your being into your relationship with him. It doesn’t matter whether it was 30 days or 30 months or 30 years. It was never about the time; it was about what you did within that time.
Understanding helps. Searching for answers until you find the one that resonates the most with you helps. And then there is something else.
Information. Practical, irrefutable information.
This is why when nothing else helps, when we can’t find our answers on our own, we do the only thing we know how to do - we reach out.
We all do. It’s not just you. We have to know!
And yet, of course, when we reach out, we’re not going to get some different response other than what we’ve already gotten. It won’t change his mind, it doesn’t bring him around. Or if it does for a date or a day or two or more, but ultimately we’re still back to where it was before all this. It happens again.
Because this part is more about us and what we need from him, not him. Ironically, or maybe not, it's precisely when we need something from him that we can't seem to get any other way, that we find ourselves most on the begging end because of that need.
You need your answer. You need the information you’re going to get. And ultimately, while you may fear what it reinforces to him about you – that you really are obsessed or crazy or this is why he said goodbye - if this is who you are, if he was the right one for you, he’d be showing some compassion for you here, too.
When you reach out with that last ditch attempt to get him back – full of from the heart language, full of you! – and you get nothing back from him, that’s such valuable information for you!
And if he does respond, whether he responds with something cold and unfeeling, or whether he responds with the words that he’s not there but if you’re meant to be you’ll be someday in the no ties to it future, you have it confirmed for you that nothing has changed on his end. Indeed, all he can give you is a hope that carries absolutely no weight!
Should you need anything more from him? No, but we’ve heard enough "shoulds" to know that whether or not there’s a "should" here or not, what we actually need isn’t just about whether or not we should.
Drop the shame. Drop the "I shouldn’ts". Go find out what you need that will set you free.
No, I don’t want you to need to contact him again. Yes, I want you to see what I can see with my objective vantage point and vast experience with all these types of men. But you’re not me. And I wasn't then either. I will always remember a time when I’ve been right where you are and I reached the same conclusion as you.
I simply had to.
As heartbreaking as I can attest it to be, there is nothing that wakes us up more and sets us straight than having our worst fears realized about someone who we saw through the eyes of potential that blinded us to their truth.
Painful? You bet it is.
Heartbreaking? How could it not be?!
Revealing? Absolutely.
And if you’re anything like most of us here, it’s the only way we finally see what we need to see.
Love,
Jane
Are you going through this right now? Does what I'm saying here make sense to you? If not, let me know in the comments and I’ll try to explain it in a way that you can understand this, too. If this is what you needed to hear today, I’d love to hear from you, too.
Jane, when I read your emails to me I feel you know me personally. I need your messages so much at this time in my life. My heart is breaking due to a split up with a man that I know I deserve better. But, I love him and it’s so very hard. Thank you for knowing and sharing so much of what I need. I know I suffer from low self esteem and I’m going to work on that. In the meantime keep your emails coming.
I'm so sorry, Mary. We never leave without our hearts breaking with these men. Of course you love him. That love is a beautiful thing when you're with someone who can give you something back in return. I do know you in a sense because I know your heart because it's my own. And every one of us one here. We share each other's hearts. Hearts that give and give and give and don't give up until we're forced to choose between ourselves, our dignity, our worth, and him who takes all of it away from us without even realizing how he does it. And he doesn't really. We give it to him because that's what we do. I'll keep them coming, Mary. So glad you're here and these are resonating so much with you!
Hello Jane. Two years ago this week I began the awesome journey through your Beautiful Confident Radiant You program. I really loved it, and I took my time, taking two months to complete it instead of one. When I started that program I was so hopeless and lost. My life was a mess. I didn't believe in love, I felt like i was broken, unloveable, i believed there was something very wrong with me, I felt that love was being repelled away from me whereever I went.
Your program started a very positive journey for me of learning to love myself in a new way, of seeing my own value. I started to notice people reacting to me differently. I was always pursuing my passions before your program, but now i was giving myself permission to do them much more often, which made a big difference as well. I even... eventually... started my first real longer term relationship with someone. Something I never believed was possible.
It's amazing to see how much my life has grown in two years. However, it's been clear to me for a while that the relationship may not be the best one for me. I do enjoy it, but I know my worth, I know my value, yet I was so excited with finally having a relationship that I overlooked all the little things, and have been ignoring the things I want and deserve... feeling desired, feeling appreciated, feeling secure.
So, two years later I am very excited to dive back into your program. I am starting with a much higher emotional state now, and I think and hope that there will be a lot of new things I can gain from going through it now from where I'm at. I gained a lot the first round through, I think and hope this will take me to the next level of growth.
I am excited! It will be a little harder to stick with it without all the emails, but I am motivated. I will keep you updated!
Sky
And I'll look forward to hearing your updates, Sky! We're always transported to a different place when we meet someone who gives us this kind of hope and then shows us something else in place of the love we expected to find there this time, finally. And yet, in this new place, you're changed, you're ready to see something more. Not that there was anything wrong with where you were, but because there's something more still waiting for you. It's the choice - where you can say "I do enjoy it, but I know my worth." There's the choice. I'm your most faithful cheerleader! Nothing surprises me or limits my view for you!
I am going through that right now. The pain of the mind games he plays with my feelings and my good beautiful heart is hurt by his, I am going to be solo this weekend after telling me he is doing something that he knows I love to do and then I will just give him myself when it’s convenient for him and I am not feeling good about it at all. I do know that we could be very good together and I think that’s what is making it so hard to just get mad and walk away. I have put distance between us and I will continue to do that until I no longer feel the gut wrenching pain that I am losing someone that is good. I know I am not, but it’s easy for someone who doesn’t love him to be okay with just walking away for good. Thank you
I needed to read this post..
I seem to struggle with getting over or should I say letting go.. well not getting what I wanted like a spoiled lil brat..
This had me thinking and NOW LEANING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.. believing and accepting who he really is.
I realize that it was more that I didn’t lol about him than the 2 things I did like.. and that If I had gotten him I would have focused more on what I didn’t like instead of what I liked.. and vice verse🤦🏾♀️🤔😲
Been there and done that BUT didn’t seem to learn my lesson. Probably thought for sure this would be different and I could PRAY a change on him instead of me..
Besides he lives with a woman n have kids.. his reason for not wanting more with me and for staying.. But he did move out in the beginning of the 4years and 9months but paid bill in both places so went back.. and I should have went my separate way then but I didn’t because of things he said and did.. But now he doesn’t and he’s doing as I said LEAVING ME ALONE.. he wanted to be friends but I couldn’t 🙄
Yes this is exactly how I'm feeling he said no communication for one month, then we spoke and no community for another two weeks.
I live in a different province. I want to go see him face to face. Even if it means to hear that it's over. I need closure. I'm hurting so much.
Yes it is. I live in a different province so it's hard to tell. I want to go see him face to face. And get my closures that's what it will be.
This is exactly how I'm feeling! It couldn't be more spot on. Holding onto hope for the future when in reality things won't change. Unfortunately I'm not finding the process of letting go easy, and after a year, the feelings are still there and I'm choosing to feel them all, not reject them. I'm hoping it won't take too much longer to heal
Right now I am going through something so difficult. I am in the middle I'm getting divorced from my husband who I found out in therapy is a narcissist. That explains a lot. It explains why I felt isolated and alone even though I was married. I feel like I have wasted 17 years of my life. I am 57 years old but I still hope that someday I'll find a nice guy and be in a healthy relationship.
10 years. And still in love with potential. Not that I would see it. Hasn't worked out for me.
I can’t seem to let go
He’s funny, smart, I love his company
We have managed to be in friend mode
So we talk or text once a day
I tired staying away and To not communicate with him
But I missed him
I think he’s giving me mixed signals also
I am so heartbroken he doesn't respond to my texts my calls there is no indication of anything being wrong he just simply disappeared he left me flowers by my door about 2 weeks ago and call me and said I'll have to get back with you we need to talk face-to-face there's nothing wrong I love you but then again I haven't heard from him since I just don't understand what to do
This is so how I’m feeling.😢