Our letter this week comes from beautiful Renee, who spent a wonderful evening with a man, only to never hear from him again! Sound familiar? It was for me, too.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I'm single and turned 41 on Saturday. Saturday night I went to the local bar for my b-day and an older, attractive man kept asking me to dance (he was 55.)
We danced all night and had a great time. He drove my friend and I home and I gave him my number - he didn't ask I said do you text and he said yes. I said here is my number...I didn't have my phone with me at the bar.
Anyway, I feel disappointed because I never heard from him and he is stuck in my head 🙁 That's the worse part of it ... I keep going over and over stuff in my mind.
When I got out of the car Saturday night he said "By the way, you're very beautiful." He was very respectful.
I feel down in dumps because of it.
Any advice?
Thanks.
Renee
My Response:
I hear you, Renee. I’ll never forget dancing all night at my own local bar with an amazing older guy who made me feel like I’d never felt before. At the end of the night, he did ask me for my number and I gave it to him, but it wasn’t through a phone call that I heard from him again.
In our conversation that night, my friend had mentioned where she worked, and he had showed up at her work the next week with a note for me, asking her to pass it along to me.
I had completely forgotten about this until we were at my mom and dad’s house one day after we’d moved back up to the Pacific Northwest. I was going through a box of old papers and school memories, year books and the like, and there in an envelope with my name on it, there was a letter from him.
I tossed it out with some of the other things I didn’t need to hang onto anymore, but I still remember what it said.
Jane,
He wrote.
"When I went with my friend to the bar the other night, I was going to unwind after a long work week. I never expected to meet someone like you. I never expected to find myself feeling the way I did dancing with you that night. But I’m married and I have two children, and it wouldn’t be honest or fair to you to pretend I’m only that guy you met the other night. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you from the start. You're a beautiful woman and you deserve someone who can give you something I can’t, and as much as I wish I could be that guy, I’m not. I'm sorry I misrepresented who I was and that I can't be that guy."
And that was it.
I remember being so surprised to get that note. Surprised and disappointed, but also relieved to have someone confirm it wasn’t me. It had never occurred to me yet that one of the reasons I might not hear from someone might be because they were married.
I added that to my list of possible reasons why – and reasons why I shouldn’t take these perceived rejections so personally.
I realize now that I kept that note because it was so unusual for me to ever have my questions answered in real time, to have someone explain, and especially in such an eloquent way, why I wouldn’t be hearing from him again.
Usually, there were no words, no phone call, no explanation, he’d just disappear and I’d figure I must have been too much or not enough or something else about me all over again.
That was the point.
I always assumed it was about me.
I don’t know the exact circumstances around this guy who you haven’t heard from, Renee, but I do know this.
It’s not personal.
It’s not about your worth. It’s not about you being too much or not enough. Maybe he’s married, maybe he’s in some “complicated” relationship, maybe he’s a player just looking for an ego trip, maybe he’s looking for something else just like you aren’t always looking for the same ones who are looking for you.
And I know something else.
As disappointing as it always is to have to find out this way that some guy who seemed so promising turns out to have nothing to offer us but another let down, it’s not worth the energy we expend replaying the night over and over in our head.
Acceptance is what leads to peace here.
Acceptance that regardless of what you felt he was, he wasn’t. Acceptance that no matter how hard it is to believe this after yet another experience like this, there really is someone else out there for you.
We have to learn to give to ourselves more of what we believe we can only get from someone else. We have to tell ourselves more often, "By the way, you’re beautiful."
We have to be very respectful in the way we speak to ourselves and the way we treat ourselves. Then we won’t try so hard to hold onto someone who shows us this level of interest.
And while we’re on the subject, I have to add something here because I care about you, and I realize how many close calls I had where I thought I knew better than anyone else who warned me, because I never want you to have to prove that you are.
Don’t get in a car with someone you just met or someone you don’t know.
Yeah, I know, nothing happened, and nothing ever happened to me or my friends either, but I’ve heard from others who it did happen to and don’t ever want that to be you.
Take good care of yourself, Renee. As someone pointed out in a comment recently, we know we deserve better, it doesn’t help us to hear that. So I’m just going to remind you of what you already know.
Embody “I deserve better”. Live it. Don’t get stuck on a broken record going around and around in your head of what you might have or could have done differently.
When a guy doesn’t ask for your number himself, there’s already a long shot you’re going to hear from him because he obviously had his own reasons why he didn’t initiate that conversation.
He’s got his reasons, Renee. Let him have them. They have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
You have your own in situations like these. And they’re never personal about the person’s worth. They’re only reflective of your own feelings that have everything to do with you, not him.
You have a memory of a great night. You have the reminder of the possibilities that exist every single day, even when we go to some of the same places we always go.
Who else might you meet? Whose path might cross your own?
Don’t give up on love just because of men like this. From someone who’s been there, you never, ever know!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What about you? Do you have some advice or words of encouragement to offer Renee? Tell her what you want to say in the comments below!
Deer Renee I understand so much what you're going through. I think it's a good idea not to get too enthusiastic about the first night.we should always remember that many of those nights never happen again after. Yes it was probably married and it's a good thing that you didn't go on with the relationship. Let me tell you what happened to me I meant a wonderful man that I loved so much more than words can say.he had all the reasons in the world for not giving me his phone number or his address being at the top of the police organization GRC. Through the years I wondered was he what he said or just a married man who had to hide. We have spent wonderful moments together. Almost three years later his mother died. And there it was in the newspaper the name of the mother and who she left behind and next to the name of my boyfriend the name of his wife.so almost three years later and this is how I learned that my man was a married man. You can't imagine the shock that I had. I felt so stupid.but he had all the good answers every time that I asked promising me that he would retire soon and so this would stop. I don't doubt that he loves me and it shows but he's not capable of giving me what I need because he is not single. There is so many married men who are dating outside their marriage and especially on dating sites. So don't get too hopeful too fast and don't get attached too quickly. Take care of yourself Sonia