Ever encountered radio silence before? The silent treatment kind. The worst kind, right?
Well, our letter this week comes from Cecilia who's in the midst of a radio silent phase with her boyfriend of five years.Here's what she had to say and my response. Unfortunately, I'm sure many of you can relate.
Dear Jane,
I need some advice.
My boyfriend of 5 years is giving me the silent treatment and it’s so painful. Given how long we have been together, I cannot believe he would just go radio silent after an argument we had a few days ago.
He won’t tell me if he needs more time or if this is just over. I go between feeling heartbroken and just so angry.
I deserve to be respected but I know that if given the chance, I would try to make it work and I’m nervous that I will let him get away with treating me like this.
We both stumbled during our most recent fight and it’s just so disappointing that he would treat me like this.
What’s the best way to deal with this situation?
Thank you for all your help! I love reading your blog.
—Cecilia
Dear Cecilia,
You had a fight, you both stumbled, and now he’s giving you the silent treatment. What’s missing here?
I’m missing something. This is your boyfriend you’ve been with for five years and because of this one fight, he won’t tell you if he needs more time or if this is just over? He’s just silent?
What’s the rest of your relationship like? How do the two of you communicate?
Obviously you’ve already reached out to him and asked him if he needs more time or if it’s just over and that’s how you know he won’t tell you which it is, or if it’s something else altogether.
I can’t help but get the feeling that there’s something here about power, from your words “If given the chance, I know I would try to make it work.”
Why wouldn’t you try to make it work? And why would this be a bad thing if you’ve been with this guy for five years already, unless maybe this is someone you’ve had some concerns about for a while? In a loving, healthy relationship, both people try to make it work, both people want to make it work and don’t hesitate to do what each of them can to make this work together.
And this part, “I’m nervous I’ll let him get away with treating me like this.”
Why is this about letting him “get away” with treating you like this, as if you need to teach him a lesson or set a precedent in your response so that he can’t treat you like this again?
Your choice of words here doesn’t sound like a coincidence. It sounds like there’s something here that needs to be looked at and this may be precisely why this is happening right now. Without whatever happened to culminate in a fight that could lead to this kind of breakdown in communication, you might have missed the significance of something that so obviously needs to be addressed.
Instead of dreading what’s happening, as painful as it is, look at this as your opportunity to find out more about this person you’ve been building a relationship with for the past five years. All relationships go through ebbs and flows – ups and downs, and the true test of any relationship is how both of you handle those times.
What about reaching out to him in a way that simply reflects that you care about him and love him with some boundaries and dignity for yourself attached? Of course, that’s only if you do. But I’m assuming you do or you wouldn’t be reaching out to me here.
What about leaving him a message that says, "Hey, I’m sorry we weren’t able to communicate better before we got to this place. This feels awful to me and I’m sure it doesn’t feel any better to you. Can we talk?"
Or a simple “I’m here when you’re ready to talk. I don't want to leave things like this,” is enough for him to know he’s got enough space to figure this out for himself, while being reminded that you’re in this with him and want to talk when he’s ready to do so. It also includes those "I" statements where you own your own words that are so powerful in keeping you standing in your own power.
If he doesn't respond to that, you've got a whole lot of other questions that need answers. This runs deeper than just what happened this time between the two of you. Don't be afraid to find them.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have something you want to say to Cecilia? Share your advice and thoughts for her in the comments below.
If after 5 years this is the kind of maturity he is showing you, no love and No respect, then this is a huge red flag in your relationship. I was once with a man that made me feel like shit, made me feel like I had to live up to his expectation and I didn’t see it at the time but he was manipulating me. Some men know that treating an insecure person like dirt will make them cling desperately to them, to feed their ego at your expense. It shows them you have no self worth and things will only get worse if you sit around waiting for him to validate you. What’s better is to move on with your life. Join a club, do something for you. Just for you! Spoil yourself cause I’m sure that’s long over due. Volunteer in your community somehow, you’ll meet great kindhearted people and you won’t feel alone or less than. You’ll start to see your self worth and you won’t accept bread crumbs. Cause bread crumbs are always a sign of abuse. Love yourself and stay clear of him. Ignore him. I know it’ll be hard but being his sucker In Life will just drain your beautiful spirit out of you. Get counselling if needed. It’ll be worth every penny. Find out why you’d want to allow a man that disrespects you to continue to control your happiness or lack there of. Take control of your own life. Invest in yourself. You will never regret that.
You've been with him for the past 5 years and I assume you would like to be for the next 50... This is the real him, consider if the kind of person that goes into silent mode when it pleases him is the person you want to be with. It won't be the last time, this is how he works.
I've been in a relationship with a man that would go days without talking to me or replying or answering his phone. It drove me crazy. It took me a while but I realized that I do not want to be with a person that behaves like this.
Like Jane says - you are the one choosing here.