I heard from another one of us yesterday.
Yet another one of us taking on all his stuff.
Wounded, broken, emotionally bereft. It's him I'm talking about here.
A father who was never there or demanded nothing less than absolute perfection and stoic adherence to his own emotional deprivation.
An anxious or overbearing mother projecting everything onto her son from the issues she never dared address with her husband.
He's a different face but with the same story.
You would think we would have had enough by now, but we're the last ones to give up on something that comes so close to resembling the only love we've ever known.
Not the loving kind, no, the other kind.
It's both heartbreaking and infuriating to hear you tell your own stories. My heart breaks for you even as I'm impassioned to change this pattern for you so you never have to go through this again. No, it doesn't have to be this way, but right now, it seems like the only way.
Your intuitive, sensitive, beautiful, shining soul sees past the false bravado veneer and into the heart of a wounded man just waiting for a love like yours to save him. It doesn't matter that it's still only potential; if there's a will there's a way.
It's so familiar a story when you've been there, too.
Yes, you would be the perfect match if he could get to this place where you are. Yes, it's because of all his potential that you feel it so deep.
And yes, he does to.
But for you, it means "Let's try", "Let's plan", or "Let's see what a force like ours united can do."
For him it means "I can only handle so much but I can't let you or anyone else know"or "I can only take you in small doses and then you become too much for me."
If you're lucky, you might hear such honest words from him. More often than not, it's only the distancing behavior they elicit that you'll see.
Years and years of work may get him a snail's pace ahead of where he is right now, but what it does to you in the waiting - and what you will absolutely miss out on in the process - is every bit as real as this intoxicating connection you feel with him.
I know you feel like he's worth it. We always do. But my question for you is the same one I never learned in time to ask myself; is he worth you?
Love,
Jane
Is he worth you? If you're asking yourself this question, I need to hear from you. Just a simple "yes" or "no" is enough; it's the fact that you're even thinking about this long enough to answer it that's the point. Tell me in the comments below.
No
Oh Jane, why do I keep doing this? You are so right, but I keep finding the same men who rip me into pieces. I think I'm ready to move on and get hit over the head again, the pain begins and I feel worthless.
I felt it was time to try again so tried online dating- what a mistake. It only reenforced the negativity I have about myself, the rejections from my entire life, and feeling like I am less than worthy of having a decent relationship. The most recent was someone I met once but we texted for a couple of weeks and spoke as well. He was so nice and responsive. He was leaving his job, told me every detail, I was supportive, listened, but realised, when will he ask about me? I was having personal issues at the same time. After not hearing from him in over a week I received a text that was sent to me by mistake. He then quickly texted me saying it was meant for someone else and he was going to text me, was sorry for the mistake and he'd call me later- of course he didn't. Doesn't he realise that I know he had no intention of contacting me? It was him trying to cover a mistake.
Why do men have to lie and play games? Couldn't he have just said I'm not interested? I'm so tired of waiting for the calls that never come, the replies to texts that never happen, and the feeling of once again being a failure.
When will I ever learn? I am convinced that I'm meant to be alone but I don't know why I keep making these same choices- yes, different face- same story.
You're learning more all the time, Julia. It's only because these are the men we're choosing - subconsciously or not - that we're having to deal with lying and games. Not all guys are like this; but breaking our attraction to finding men like this is a process and doesn't happen overnight. Don't convince yourself you're meant to be alone unless that's what you want; you're doing the choosing. Don't settle for a fate that isn't yours. Someone doesn't make you worthy or not. You have to find that place deep down inside you that accepts your worthiness and wear it like you deserve to; with your head held high deserving to be with someone who treats you the way you treat them. No one gives you that; you give it to yourself by accepting it's been your birthright all along!
Thank you Jane
No he isn't worth me! Thank you Jane ❤ Isn't it funny how, once they've flounced out of your life, they suddenly realise what they've lost! 🤔
Love
* Donna in Scotland * xxx 🌷 xxx
And hopefully we realize what we've gained!
Yes! I've gained..ME! An even stronger me 🌷
You go, girl! 🙂
Yes
No!
YES
Hi, am 28yrs old, am a girl, so happy to be reading from you, there was this guy whom i knew back in my secondary school days, by then he was in the university. So we were just hi, hello friends, we lived in thesame neigbnourhood. So after university he relocated and we dint see each other again for about 9years, so 2months again we met again via social media, this time around he is abroad in the U.S while i am in Cameroon. We got chatting, lots of un memmories, i like his company, he adds me to the video calls he makes to his friends and family, he told me he had ahd a couple of relationships but it dint work out, so he is ow single. He sends me money, keeps records of everything i say and details about me, so caring but yet dint mention if he wants a relationship. We were communicating like everyday, i started developing feelings for him and i'll love for us to date. So, when we chatting he will tell me, that very soon he will go off social media because he has to go back to schoool, and he needs to concentrate because he wants to finish his program in due time. So, i just couldnt keep it to myself any longer and decided to open up to him that i like him more than a friend. He dint think twice to answer me, the response was so swift like he was waiting for it. He told me he likes me too, very much but lets be realistic, he will not be able to meet up to my emotional needs, also the distance, he has alot on his plate, he is abroad all by himself no one to support him, if i were there it would have been easier, that he is not financially able to make me relocate and come over there with him right now, also in his past distance relationships, the girls broke his heart and decided to move on beacuase they could not wait for him any longer, he says he is not in the right emotional frame of mind to commit right now, but he believes that what God has destined must come to pass. Then after that conversation i noticed he stopped taking initiatives towards our communication. If at all he does, he will do so onec in a hile. Atually, i thought about all he said and i believe his reasons are accurate. But i love him so much, Idont know how but i just wish fate makes us end up together. what do you advice.
When someone gives you reasons without solutions, call them what they are, Cherry. Excuses. If someone wants to find a way, they find a way. Don't excuse him like this. Don't do all his work for him. It's such a cop-out to leave it to fate, or God or whatever else but that's exactly what he's doing. You can spend your life wishing and waiting for fate to bring the two of you together, but it's real life practical actions on both of your parts - with more than all these reasons from him - that actually makes that happen. Don't settle for anything less than someone who doesn't see that it's on him as much as anything else to do exactly that!