Beautiful Eve asks a question I've heard from so many of my clients over the years and she's absolutely right; it's one of the toughest questions for any of us to answer.
Here's her email:
Dear Jane,
I have read your book and countless of your articles/answers and I absolutely adore you. You have helped me in the past and I hope you could help me now.
I’m not sure this is the type of letter you’d normally answer but I can give it a shot.
I have been in a long distance relationship for a little more than 2.5 years (we lived close by for half a year.) We live on different continents (he's American military and I am from Europe.) We see each other a couple of weeks a year and call every day.
We are an incredible match and he makes me feel happy and cared for.
We both feel that this year we should live together. I will be moving. It will be really difficult regarding job and visa, but I think it will be worth it. (He hates me giving up everything and would like to be the one moving but with his job, it’s not possible right now.)
What bothers me is the following.
We are both in our early thirties and he recently confided in me that while he loves to be an uncle, he doesn't really care for kids. I have never been the biggest kid-lover myself but I kind of always envisioned myself with maybe 2 kids (maybe one of my own and one adoptive) and jokingly tell people that "I'll obviously adore MY kid."
I'm not 100% sure I want them (maybe 75%), but I don't want to rule it out. Some friends have said he might change his mind, but I don't want to pin my hopes on that or force him.
I really don't know what I should do. We have never loved other people like we do each other and I really don't want to decide it doesn't matter and start resenting him after 10 years. I also don’t want to leave him and regret that for the rest of my life...
What would you do?
Thanks.
-Eve
My Response:
First of all, thank you for your kind words, Eve. And let me reciprocate by saying I absolutely adore all my readers – and I love hearing about everything that you’re going through, that keeps you up at night!
You couldn’t possibly have known, but you've picked a topic so close to my heart.
So to answer your question, I first need to be so clear about this one thing. Don’t ever plan on being able to talk him out of this, or change his mind on this one.
Banking on that will only leave you resentful, angry and absolutely heartbroken when in the end you find out that there is no change of mind or heart here and he is fully committed to not having children, no matter how much he loves his "Uncle" status.
Let’s set that to rest.
You accept him at his word and know that if you are choosing him, you’re choosing to not have your own kids.
I want to be so clear on that because I’ve seen too many women who didn’t take their guy seriously when he said these same words and believed they could change his mind, only to find out the most painful, hardest way possible that he actually meant what he said.
Not to be harsh, not to burst your bubble, but to bring you the reality check now before it’s too late in more ways than one.
Now that's been said, we can move forward.
Let’s start by talking about kids, Eve.
There’s a beautiful image so many of us have of a family with 2.5 kids and 1.3 dogs and a big, beautiful house with a white picket fence. It's a dream that’s been around as long as our little girl imaginations can remember.
But this is the absolute worst reason to have children.
Why? Because it’s just that - a dream. It’s what we’ve always imagined we’d end up with. It’s what we were raised for (or what our parents or friends or relatives – whoever our “they” is – are expecting us to have.)
But here's the thing we often overlook because we don't have them yet - kids are real. They don't typically (if ever) actually live up to that dreamy image. (At least none I've ever met in the real world!)
The surest way to answer your own question is by getting 100% clear on whether or not you want children.
It was easy for me - I grew up living for the day I would have my own little children. Or rather, I grew up with the fantasy of what having my own children would look like, feel like and be like and unequivocally knew that was what I wanted. No doubts or 75% there.
But it's not so clear for all of us.
For me, being a mom is incredible. But you know what else is? Making a difference in the world in all kinds of other ways that are simply easier to do when it’s just you, or you and your partner, with all kinds of time and energy and resources freed up to do that when you don’t have children.
It's different for everyone, and there is no wrong choice, only the wrong choice for YOU.
Spend some time getting crystal clear on what it means to be a parent and whether or not it's really what you want. Talk to your friends and family who are parents about what it’s actually like to be a mom. Tell them to tell you the real stuff, not just the things they post on Facebook.
(I’m going to ask the moms on here to chime in - what can you tell Eve about what it's really like?)
I think you need to get that 75% either up to 100% or down to 0%, then you'll have your answer.
You see a future with you and him. You’ve chosen him. You're ready to move halfway around the world for him. So obviously there's something real there. But this is one of those differences that can quickly break up even the best of relationships, and for good reason.
Parenting is not to be taken lightly, and both parents need to be in it fully in order for it to work.
As I say often on here, your intuition is rarely wrong if you know how to listen to it and you know where to get more information if you don’t have enough of the facts to make your decision yet.
I hope this helps you know where to look. Without knowing either one of you, I can’t give you a clearer answer. But I hope this shows you a path to find your own answer.
Love,
Jane
What about you? Have you been here before? Do you have some advice for Eve? Or maybe you have your own children and and have a thing or two to share about what the reality of motherhood has been like for you. Tell Eve what she needs to know in the comments below!
Thank you so much Jane for the answer. I will try to find people with whom I can talk to about 'real life' with kids and try to make my own decision.
Maybe I really want it, but maybe it is, like you said, the dream of 2.5 children and a picket fence. It just seemed like the next step. I hope I will be able to make a decision about this.
And like Angel says, I'll try to make sure my life is full and beautiful by myself 🙂
You will, Eve! Listen to your heart, but take your head with you. And keep us posted. 🙂
Thank you Liz for the message. I am 30 so I am a bit worried about when the 100% will come and if I am changing my way of thought because I love the man or because I just don't know. I am glad you succeeded in having a kid and that you're happy
Children are a lifelong commitment and should be wanted by both parents. My husband and I both wanted several kids; for medical reasons that didn’t work out, but we have one awesome child that is the crowning accomplishment of our marriage, which itself, has fallen apart.
It took us 5 years to have her, with help. During that time our marriage struggled some but I thought having our child would would smooth out mist of those difficulties. It did for a while, but not in the long run.
But we are both committed to staying together until our child graduates High School and we have a calm and friendly home life. It’s a safe and loving environment because it is important to my husband and me that she akways know she is loved, regardless if what has happened to our marriage.
So I agree completely with Jane, you need to be 100% sure for yourself because it is completely true that children can feel how you feel about them and they act out what they see and feel.
I was late having a child, and it wasn’t until I was about 30 that I knew for sure it was the most important thing for me, regardless if my own or adopted.
And neither my husband nor I minded missing get togethers or events, nor the sick times or expensive times, nor the whiney or inconvenient times - they were all trumped by the fact that we were blessed with a child - unfortunately we know many that were not and know some that had kids they didn’t want.
Be true to you first, and if you decide you want this man more than the possibility of having a child, that is ok - again as Jane said, being a parent is not the end all be all unless it’s something you want for life - you can switch careers and just about anything else, but you can’t switch kids; they deserve your full commitment.
So true, Liz. Thank you for adding your own personal story to the conversation. It sounds like your daughter has been deeply blessed to have found her way to parents who could put aside their own personal grievances with each other aside to continue to be committed to seeing her through. Beautiful.
So much to unpack here. I can somehow relate as I once was madly in love with someone who lived on the other side of the world. We talked so much about the future and what we wanted and what not, but distance was real and back then there were many hurdles, hurdles I was soooo willing to overcome for him and I almost did. That was about 10 years ago and five years ago I actually moved to his country. Well, I realize now I was in, but he wasn't as in as I thought or wanted. There's that. I've met many people who have given up their lives and uprooted themselves to be with a partner. I can sum it up by saying it's not kittens and rainbows. Many of those relationships did not survive. Moving to another country, being on your own and believe me, even with a partner, you'll still be on your own because he has a life already and people around, you won't. You'll have to build a life for yourself, find friends, get a job, adjust to a new world, for some learn the language, and a myriad other things. It's not easy and it creates tension. I don't regret having moved one bit, but five years later, it has been incredibly hard mentally and emotionally. I'm not saying my experience is everyone else's, but it's one of the possibilities and it's not uncommon. I'm not with this man.
If you move, make absolutely sure you are moving for your own self. Make sure you will love the adventure for what it is and you'll have an awesome life with or without him. I know you love him deeply, but he is not the only man in the world. Don't make him the sole reason. Find your reasons to move. Make it worth it for you even if things don't work out between the two of you. If you can't separate yourself from him in that adventure, I'd caution against moving.
On the kids thing. Jane is absolutely right. I am not a mother nor do I want to be, but I am an aunt, and the daughter of a once single mother. The niece of many single mothers and even single fathers. Children are beautiful, but it's no picnic. The reality of having them is very very complex and nothing like they paint it to be. It's tough so as Jane said, you would want to be sure. This man doesn't want children. If you do, I'd say this is not the man for you, but you'll have to get clear yourself on that important aspect for yourself.
You can move and things may work out fine; you can move and things may work out only for some time. You can move and things may not work out at all. Or you may move, things don't work out and you meet another man there who absolutely matches you. Or after pondering, you can realize you love your life where you are, things don't work out with this man and you meet someone else who lives near you and wants the same things you want out of life. Trust that whatever you decide, you will be happy because you choose to be and do what you need to do for yourself to make sure your life is full and beautiful, even if it doesn't follow a script. I hope this helps. Good luck 🍀. Hugs.
Thank you, Angel. You unpacked that well!
Thank you so much Angel for the response. It's a tough paragraph but full with truths. I do think he's all in, but I also know I'm moving for him. I am aware (on a rational level) that it won't be easy, making a new life in a country which language I don't understand, but I hope I will make it work. The most difficult thing will be making new friends and again when we move again (i am quite introverted) I will most definitely take your words to heart and look for reasons besides him. I also love that you say you love your role as an aunt.