Beautiful Lara is wondering if her man is seeing someone else behind her back (her letter has been edited for readability):
Here's her story:
I’ve been with a man for 4 years. We used to laugh, go out together, be intimate. He would communicate.
He used to spoil me. Now he doesn’t.
Now he comes over at 11 PM, and all he wants to is watch movies. He doesn’t text, rarely calls. He used to come over on Friday’s, but now I often don’t see him all weekend.
I’ve never been to his house, I’ve only met 3 of his close friends, and I’ve never been invited to any of his family events.
Am I crazy to think he’s with someone else?
I feel like he wants to leave me, but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. I feel absolutely sick. How do I get out of this hell hole?
-Lara
My Response:
What do YOU want here, Lara? That’s my question for you.
Reread your email to me. Reread your words.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Is it worth what you’re not?
No, you’re not crazy to believe he could be with someone else. Not at all. I hear far too many stories from women who thought they were crazy for thinking such a thing, but had a strong intuition that they were right, and in the end found out they had been right all along.
Have you asked him? Have you talked to him?
You’ve known him for 4 years. I’m assuming you’ve talked and communicated about all kinds of things during that time. So I have to ask you the question that if after all this time you’re not comfortable or you’re afraid to ask him the questions you’ve raised in your email to me, what do you really have with this man?
I don’t know you. And I don’t know him.
But I do know that when someone comes to me asking me my opinion of their relationship, one of the first things I look at is how they communicate. And more precisely, how you feel about communicating with him.
This is such an important and integral part of every relationship, Lara.
Relationships are about two people, two unique individuals. It’s not realistic to expect that you’re always going to agree on everything and won’t need to have some very real and difficult conversations some times.
It’s not realistic to expect that there won’t ever be any conflict between the two of you.
That’s why communication – or a lackof – is such a telltale sign of the health of a relationship. If you can’t tell him how you feel and trust that he’s going to hear you, and be honest with you in his own communication - even if it’s hard, even if the truth may hurt one or both of you – if it’s the truth, you both need to know.
Without the truth, without open communication where you can hear and be heard, where you can be honest with each other, the truth is still under there, regardless of what’s being said or covered up on the surface.
So when you sense you know what’s going on, when you sense that there may be someone else or this man may be cheating on you, you need to know so that you can decide where you want to go from here.
Not him. You.
You’re obviously in something bad. We don’t call something a "hell hole" if it isn’t. If talking to him is off the table and not an option you’re comfortable with, then ask yourself if where you’re at now with him isn’t worse than having a conversation with him.
The truth matters. Honesty matters. Trust, more than just about everything and anything else matters. If you don’t have that, if you can’t trust him, if you can’t believe what he’s going to say to you, that matters.
You’ve got two choices here, Lara. You can either leave this relationship now because you know enough and have seen enough to know this isn’t working for you and you know you don’t belong in anything that could ever resemble a hell-hole, or you have an honest conversation with him and tell him you need to know the truth.
Tell him he won’t be a bad guy for telling you the truth. He’ll be someone you can still respect for being honest with you.
The truth is already what’s there, Lara. Asking him won’t change that.
But it will give you a chance to hear his side, to hear what he has to say. You deserve nothing less than someone who’s on the same page as you, who doesn’t leave you wondering what’s going on with him, who doesn’t give you reason to mistrust him.
If that’s not him, you need to know. Whichever choice you choose.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What about you? Do you have any advice for our beautiful friend, Lara? Share it with her in the comments below.
Dear Lara, I'm sorry you're going through this. I spent 20+ years in the worst dating situations; it felt like a never ending pattern of failing relationships where I was strung along, lied to, cheated on ... you name it. At some point you ask yourself, "Self, what part of this pattern is ....me?".. Tough one to ask, but you'll keep repeating the pattern and finding yourself in the 'same situation' until you ask this question and then--with love--dig into what in you is allowing the pattern to persist. It took me a long time to admit to myself (because I was already aware), that I was allowing men into my life who had 'issues' (and 'explaining away' their issues - also called turning a blind eye to the glaring red flags), and I was allowing them in because I lowered my standards for men and figured I'd just have to accept sub-standard men because, well, my life was "complicated" (I was career military and moving around every 2 years for 20+ years). That doesn't matter so much, because that was just my version of believing "this is why I'm not WORTH it" (worth a man of integrity, honor and matching words & actions, etc.).
I found Jane's program at just the right time and it spoke to what I needed to see, believe and internalize: I AM WORTHY of all good in my life, including my relationships. It was shortly after Jane's program and a phone call I had with her where she firmly, lovingly, frankly told me I was "not crazy" (and assured me to stand firm in my WORTH) that I ended a relationship that sounds much like what you're experiencing. Guess what, shortly after, I randomly met my now fiancé at a happy hour I was dragged out to while on vacation with a friend in Hawaii. No dating apps, no blind dates, no anxious searching; he just arrived. That's what the Universe does 🙂 When you take a stand for your value and worth, it says "Ok, now you're ready." 🙂
When you stand firm in YOUR WORTH, you will effortlessly walk away from this damaging relationship, you won't ask any more nagging, anxiety-laden questions (I've been there, hugs to you, I know this brutal feeling), and you will stand confident and calm in YOUR WORTH, and guess what-- a man who is also WORTHY and living a life of integrity, morals, and availability (emotionally, physically, mentally) will effortlessly come into your life. I know this. This is exactly what happened to me, after decades of struggle.
So, to answer your question: How do I get out of this hell hole? Run, Lara. RUN out of the hell hole, don't look back, and NEVER accept anything less than what you are WORTH (and that is a lot). You will gain so much from taking a firm stand for your worth and value and walking away from this "man". It may feel like you want answers, you want to have a discussion. But, I believe, as others have pointed out, you have your answers. The man you are seeing is not deserving of your precious time or energy. I'm saying this from a place of care, because I understand what you're experiencing, but coming from this place that I've been in now of clear, deep understanding of my WORTH, I can say with love: RUN from the hell hole. Take a stand for your value and worth. Good will come out of you taking this stand. take care, Lynn
Beautifully said, Lynn. Sounds like you know a thing or two about this!
Always trust your instinct. She already knows that there's someone else. It's past time to dump this loser. You deserve better. May God bless you.
Thanks for adding to the conversation, Janie.
Lara thank you for asking your question. I’m sure it took courage for you to ask.
Ask yourself this question - does he enjoy being seen with you in public? You made a comment he comes over late at night all he wants to do is watch tv. I get the feeling you two are not seen in public. If a man loves you he will want to been seen with you and show you off to the world. You are not crazy but also ask yourself is this what real love looks like. Real love is not a hell hole.
Real love. Exactly, Yvonne. Thank you for adding to this!
Hi Jane! I have developed quite the crush on a coworker. It is interesting because, to be honest, I haven't had a crush on anyone in years. I actually didn't think it was even still possible for me. The problem is, he's NOT a match. He's unavailable, i dont think he's even into me, and even if he was available and into me, he's not what im looking for. Having just recently gone through your (amazing healing transformative) BCRYou program (well, im continuously going through it for the rest of the year), I've realized that as strong as the chemistry and attraction is, he's not at all the guy i've gotten CLEAR about wanting. It's pretty refreshing actually to be able to see through the chemical lust instead of just blindly chasing it, instead of just constantly contorting myself in an attempt to impress him and get his attention, as I used to do in the past.
Yet even though i KNOW he's not what Im looking for, the attraction and (possibly onesided) chemistry is still extremely strong. I have to work with him every day, so I can't just avoid him. I'm walking down the path, I see the hole in the road, I am doing everything i can not to fall in this time! Do you have any advice on how to get over my first crush in years? I'm sure lots of readers could use your input on the healthiest way for dealing with a work crush, or just on a crush on the wrong guy. Chemistry aside, i know what I want and he is NOT it!!!
You know, now that I think of it, it was when i started doing your program that he suddenly started spending a LOT more time with me. Maybe a coincidence? In the meantime, i have some passions to attend to 🙂
That's huge, Sky11! To be able to see it AND choose you instead of another unavailable guy is how we keep from falling in that hole again! I've long stopped believing in coincidences. You go, girl. You're inspiring me! 🙂
Yes he is seeing someone else... and by avoiding the question, you are allowing it. You have high standard in every other place in your life & deserve to be with someone who wants you in their life - not just when he’s bored, lonely or horny.
Here is a really easy way to ask it... be casual and not overly emotional.
Are you seeing other people? are you thinking about it at the moment? it's OK if you are, but it lets me at least know where your head is at.
Are you the type of man to sleep with other women? It's OK if that's what you want, but that's not my style. I'm not someone who does the sleep together while seeing other people thing - so let me know.
Thanks, Melanie. These are great!
Dear Lara,
Your mind already knows the truth, its your heart that won't except it. I know because my heart won't except what I'm going through, so I turned to a higher power and that is God. I am on my way to recovery all due to God and for bring Mrs. Jane Garapick into my life to speak the words which God wants us to hear.
P.S. Jane Garapick, you are the best and I truly thank God for bring you into our lives!!
excuse my miss spelled words accept (not except).
Always! 🙂
Aw, thank you so much for your kind words, Booroe. I'm always inspired to hear these messages are resonating with you and thank you for stopping here to share your thoughts with Lara. We need each other, whatever we're going through!
I have a similar story. I've been dating the same man for almost three years. I had known he and his ex-wife over 30 years ago. He suddenly showed up at my house and asked me out. (Divorced from first wife after three children who were teenagers at the time. Children chose to live with him.) Remarried and his wife died after 26 years.) I was seeing him so often that I never even thought he might be dating someone else. He takes me to dinner, plays, golfing, etc. However, I began, about a year ago to feel something had changed. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said yes, for a year longer than he was seeing me. WOW!!! After well over two years, I was astonished. However, since I don't want to remarry and he is fun, I've kept dating him. I have been to a couple family events in the last three months...the first ever. However, in the last two weeks, I believe he has lied to me saying he was sick and we couldn't go on the date he had invited me to do. When I called later to see how he was feeling, he answered very differently than he usually does and I believe he wasn't alone and said he was feeling much better. (BTW, he spent New Year's Eve with me!) I'm at such a loss to know what to do. Any suggestions?
Do only what you can absolutely live with, Karen, and nothing less. If you know exactly what you want - AND what having fun with him is worth to you - no one can judge you for doing what you choose to do. But always remember that part - you're the one doing the choosing. Not him. You. Being with someone who can also be with someone else requires that you be honest enough with yourself to know when it's affecting you, when it's taking a toll on your and your self-esteem and self-confidence. This would be an absolute deal-breaker for me and most of us on here, but this part about being the one doing the choosing means you get to choose your life and make your own choices - and no one has to be able to live with them except you.
4 years and you haven't been to his house = red flag, red flag, red flag.
Same thing happened to me -- in a relationship for 6 months and never met his friends, family or went to his house ... then I ditched him and discovered he was married and still living with his wife. (8 years later and he's still not divorced yet!)
I thought I was "crazy" too -- he did everything to throw me off track and make me feel it was all in my head. Why do we as women put up with this kind of crap -- and then blame ourselves???
Because we believe the messages we were given that it's somehow up to us to change him, and that if we're only more of something or less of something else, we will! When we become aware of these subconscious messages and our programming that goes along with them, we can confront them head on, question their roots, and finally begin to chance our actions in light of them! There's hope! And yes, we have to stop blaming ourselves the way we've always accepted the blame for everything, too!