It wasn’t the first time it happened.
He told me I was everything he wanted in a woman. He went so far as calling me the perfect woman for him. And then he chose her.
Her.
The first time it happened, I was naïve. So naïve.
Unbeknownst to me, I still had so much to learn. He told me he couldn’t believe his luck that he found me. The more we talked, the more in depth we got, the more we got to know each other, the more I was sure that I had found my soul mate.
Naïve, I know.
But what was even more significant was that right around the time we were getting to know each other on such a deep level, he confided to me that there was another woman who he was interested in. I was devastated.
What did she have that I didn’t?
Whatever it was, it was enough for him because not too long after, he broke up with me. He still didn’t know why or what it was that was drawing him to her, but he had to see where things would go with her.
It would happen again.
Years later, right when I thought things were going well with a guy who seemed to have so much of what I was looking for, he started pulling away. Slowly, but surely, there were changes, until I couldn’t deny that I was in this relationship almost by myself.
And when I stopped initiating contact completely, I knew by his lack of response that we were officially done.
Shortly after that I got a call from him. He had news. Yes, that kind of news we never want to know. He was getting married.
Yep.
With someone who once again couldn’t be more completely opposite of me. Déjà vu all over again.
Perfectly ordinary, nothing extraordinary, and yet somehow, someway she’s got something you don’t; him.
Is it any wonder we want to change who we are? Should we be at all surprised that we look at all the ways we’re so sensitive, so emotional, so deep and so introspective and want to throw every one of those parts of ourselves away?
Haven’t we uttered these words in some form before?
I hate my sensitivity.
I hate how emotional I get.
I hate how deep I have to make everything.
It’s not a stretch to hear the next words that usually follow; I hate myself.
Who of us hasn’t gone there? Who of us hasn’t taken a look at ourselves through his eyes and come up with everything that’s so wrong with us and everything we have to change?
Through his eyes, is my point here, Beautiful. This is what I don’t want you to do anymore. Every single time you look at yourself through the eyes of someone who doesn’t want you, who isn’t compatible with you, who doesn’t have it in him to see you the way someone who loves you sees you, you can only see one thing.
Everything that’s wrong with you.
But what makes anything so wrong about you? Because one person doesn’t appreciate this quality in you? Because one person can’t handle these qualities in you?
You say, but it’s not just him, it’s every man I’ve ever been with. Yes, but haven’t they all really been the same man? Haven’t you chosen your men so well that they’re all really the same kind?
If being you is that bad, then go ahead and begin your work on changing those things that keep you up at night. Learn from the mirrors that you draw to yourself to take a good, long look at those qualities you’ve taken on that were never yours to begin with.
But after you’re through doing that, take another good, long look at what you’re left with. Isn’t it this sensitive, tender-hearted woman who feels what she feels and loves how she loves? Isn’t that beautiful face that looks back at you in the mirror worthy of a love that loves her back as much as she loves?
Never compare yourself to who she is. You’re not her - whoever she might be, real or imagined - and you wouldn’t want to be.
You’re you!
You live your life by feeling; you construct your reality by sensing. Honestly, what he has with her could never be the kind of love you’re going for. If it were, you would have had that easy kind of love a long time ago.
When you tried before and couldn’t, it was because you knew in your heart of hearts that you were made for so much more!
I see you. No matter how much you try to hide behind what everyone else seems so good at hiding behind, you still stand out to me. I speak your language over here.
Bring everything that you’ve tried so hard to get rid of that you have to conclude is still here because it doesn’t belong anywhere else but right here with you. We’re making room for you. Every time you accept yourself and stand up for your beautiful truth, you show him the way.
The ones who are ready, show up. The ones who aren’t, stay right where they are. But you, Beautiful, you thrive.
In the midst of the pain, in the midst of the tears, you stand your ground and know that there’s a different kind of love coming your way.
He can’t see it. He doesn’t know it. But every time you accept and celebrate every one of these passionate parts of you, you’re setting yourself up for him to do the same.
It’s new. It’s different. It’s absolutely terrifying if we’ve only ever believed in the status quo!
But you’re not a status quo kind of woman, and you know it. No matter how much you try to be like everyone else who’s blindly following the rules to fit in! That’s not you and it will never be, and most importantly, you - and the one who's been waiting for someone exactly like you - wouldn’t want it any other way!
Ok, I know this spoke to you. The light's beginning to dawn. I can feel you out there reading these words, shouting at the top of your lungs even if it's a silent shout "I knew I wasn't a status quo kind of woman!" I knew it, too! Now go ahead and tell me right now - in the comments what kind of woman you are - the kind of woman you're going to start celebrating! - before you lose this feeling. Yes, I mean you!
Why her not me? My relationship with my on again off again boyfriend was anything but boring or predictable. He would make me feel that I was the woman for him. He would thank me for being so patient with him, tell me how much he loved me, and then poof like a magic trick he would be gone. Gone back to his daughter's mother. We never stopped talking more than 5 days in 6 years. There was a strong magnet that always brought us back. Although I have so much resentment towards him, I still feel that he is an amazing man, and truly 1 of a kind. Yesterday we went to dinner. Maybe a few drinks made me braver than usual, because I opened up and told him many things that I was feeling. In between tears, I told him that many days I was angry and so hurt asking what is it that woman (baby's momma) had that I lacked. I have been told many times that I'm beautiful, smart, sexy, etc. and yet none of that made a difference to him (His daughter's mother is anything but attractive). He responded to me that the one thing she had was his daughter and that most everything he does, he does it for her. I'm not defending him, but I know he was so hurt by his divorce with his 1st wife when she kept his son from him that he doesn't want the story to repeat itself. I wish I could help him open his eyes and see that he could still have a relationship with his daughter, but he needs to set boundaries with the mom. Ironically, he has no problem setting boundaries with me. In the meantime I'm left with the choice of waiting for him or letting go and missing him each day.
This will probably not change. I am wondering if you think of it being like this forever will you be happy with the part of him that you are getting while knowing another woman is getting part too? If not, then you really should consider moving on. I know that it is hard. When we are deeply in love and lust that person seems like the most special person ever, but there is so much pain mixed in with the love. After we take a break and move away we can see that they are special but there are also other special men in the world who also WANT to commit to us. It doesn't sound like he wants to commit. I'm sorry it's so hard. I have been there and justified all of his actions and I have finally broken free from his spell and am looking for someone who really wants the same things as me so I don't have to be up at night and thinking of him with another woman while I am feeling lonely and like I need him.
Hi Elisia ;thank you for the response. Actually, it was the first time I confided in someone I thought would become a great friend via the internet. I decided to be open minded about it because people I met in real turned out to be very different from what they portrayed initially; even people I'd known for years. I'm not going to let this be a hindrance in my path to finding a meaningful relationship. It hurts but It's best to filter out the toxic people so that I don't betray myself in the long run by being with someone who is not on the same path as I am.
Hi everyone. This is such a profound article Jane. Thank you! I read this shortly after a guy I was interested in refused to talk to me anymore. I met him online and I know people are sceptical about meeting people online but my conversations with him were very spiritually connected. We were both vulnerable with our scars and afflictions from the past ; how much we were looking forward to the day we found someone who truly accepted us. Eventually, our conversations developed into a fondness for one another, beyond friendship ; at least that's what I thought. I opened up to him about an illness I've been battling with for over a year now and how difficult it's been to meet someone who didn't see me as broken and saw beyond that, just loving the real me. He disclosed to me his fears about commitment , if I was looking for one now. I didn't push the issue. I decided to keep things platonic since people need their space. Sometime after he stopped messaging me, so I decided to message him and inquire about what's going on with him. He told me that he was stressed out with studies so I thought to myself that due to his studies he was so distant and I wasn't going to make him feel uncomfortable in any way. Some days passed by and I just sent him a simple, " hi " message. He responded and told me he's dating someone now and he shouldn't be talking to me anymore that he hopes I understand. I was so hurt but I wished him well. Deep down I was confused as to why he would flirt with me and be so vulnerable, yet say he fears commitment and date someone else. Am I justified in feeling hurt because I thought we were building a good friendship and he just threw me under the bus; or am I overreacting ? I feel as though he thought lowly of me , as though I would not respect his relationship if we were still friends. At the end of it all I feel as though because I've had to battle illness he preferred someone who didn't have to. Any feedback would be appreciated. 🙂
Hi Nandini, have you ever met this guy? I think you were caught up in a fantasy. People can say whatever they want online, he said he was scared of commitment. I am 99% sure that "relationship" with someone else won't last either. Or she was around way before you, and possible got scared he's taking things too far with you. Could be a cheater too, who knows. Meet people instead in real life.
No two people ever see the same relationship through the same lens, so while I was busy feeling this was so special, we were so connected, we were so lucky to have found each other and we were no doubt going to be together forever, he was busy enjoying the massive fruits of my undying affection and silently thinking about an exit. And oh yah turns out a gal on the side was making it easier for him to justify it all toward then end. I trusted him. I believed in us. And after 4 years it just went away in a poof. 1 single conversation about living together sparked the entire web of lack of feeling to expose. And 6 months later looking back what blows my mind is this mix of how could I have been so duped, along with what did I do to drive him to pull away, when I had no idea leaving was even an option. We were playing on two different fields all along. And while logically I get that, my heart and perfectionist soul can't understand how I couldn't fix it, make it all ok for us both. So difficult to overcome the feelings of failure, regret, longing for what was, but just a little better. I'm Not so convinced love will find me again and really want that. I have a full life with many who love me but prefer to share it with someone special. This post did hit home. What in "her" can trigger his interest in ways I could not? Our talks were deep enough, our passion still hot. But he never future talked, and it wore on my self esteem. I envision she's getting the goodies I was denied all that time. It's likely not the case, as he's probably the same emo unavail person he was with me, but still I fantasize she somehow musically brings out in him what I could not. Sick I know.
I have just been in a polyamorous relationship for three years. It ended because he wanted to be with me but only every week or two and he wanted to share emotionally with another woman he met. In the beginning we shared emotions and he waa there fot me until he said i wanted more than he could give. Then after he met this woman he didn't want the same emotional connection with me. I stayed with him because I loved him and the sex was great. I had been burned by monogamy after my longterm boyfriend and father of my child left me. I thought I could find love in many places. I was dating other people too and have a girlfriend, but I still wanted more from him and felt like he was deeply connected to me. I did feel jealous of this other woman. What's so special about her? Why does he love her more? Since I was in a polyamorous community I tried to deal with my jealousy and overcome it, but it didn't work and I finally realized that my body and my feelings were telling me this is not what we want. I moved on from him, but still in my mind I think....how could he love her more? I thought our relationship was so special? Aren't I special? It's getting better as I heal and realize I can't be in a relationship again where I give more than him no matter how great the sex or magical the connection.
Hi Violet. You have come to a critical realization: you cannot be in a relationship where you give more than you get. That's the bottom line. You cannot throw yourself under the bus, ever, regardless of the arrangement you have with that person.
There isn't anything she has that you lack. She's a different person and he is just no longer meant to be in your life. I know we feel broken hearted when they leave apparently for someone else, but you cannot torture your heart and soul thinking you're not special or lovable just because one human happened to walk away from you. Your value cannot diminish. I also struggle with insecurities, like all of us do, but don't do that to yourself.
I think it's interesting that people think the style you choose for the relationship matters, that it helps mitigate risks if it's monogamous or polyamorous. Love and life are much bigger than that. Whether poly or mono, you cannot avoid being left. You cannot control how the other person feels, there is no right way to live. There are just options and some will suit you, some will not.
Keep discovering more about yourself. Hugs.
I am a feeling woman with lots of heart. Sensitive, emotional, and caring. And I want to live it all. Out loud.
Jane, that paragraph you wrote about looking at everything that is wrong with me.... It hit home. I have grown a lot and have been doing better and better, but that paragraph still got to me. The feeling in my chest, the despair, the lack of faith, I felt all of it again. It still resonates so much. Does that feeling ever goes away? I can see it now and feel it and be fully aware it's there; before I just felt it and avoided it or let it crush me. I wonder if we ever get to that point of never feeling that again, or if we just learn to see it, feel it, but not give it so much power to bring us down entirely.
I have always felt different. It's an odd thing: different, but ordinary at the same time. The feeling different part hasn't necessarily felt good to me, though. I think, for the longest time, I have wanted to be more like others, but no matter how hard I tried, I can't deny that I simply can't be. I share many traits with other people, but I still feel so different. I know I should be glad, but somehow it's just hard sometimes. I am coming to terms with it, but I am not quite there.
It is so hard to rewire myself to like men who are different. Usually, whenever I like a guy, I pretty much know he's the wrong one. I haven't been able to fully like a man who's more available. I just don't know what else to do about it.
I am growing, have grown a lot, but I still feel somewhat stuck. Interestingly enough, I have been noticing other patterns in other aspects of my life, too. I think I have started to see patterns in my female friendships. Sometimes I feel like there's no end. I still struggle feeling hopeful, trusting that someday, somewhere I will find a man who falls in love with me, who loves me to pieces and the same way I love him.
Better to know you aren't meant to be before a serious commitment than after. Imagine finding out your wedding was a lie. It's happened to people and worse than calling off a relationship in time.
I can say you are correct. If happened to me and I wasted 13 years I cannot get back. Better to let someone go before things get too serious. Rejection is God's protection!