How do you say “you blew it!”?
How do you say “if only you had called me first!"
You don’t.
She already knows it.
I can assure her that he wasn’t the right one for her. I can try to convince her that someone who really was on the same page, wanted the same thing, was truly compatible with her, would have been able to overlook what she did or said.
But nothing can quite speak to that awful gut-wrenching, heart breaking wide open sense of failure, of regret, of agonizing regret, as you come to the realization that this could somehow have been prevented. That what you’re experiencing right now in the throes of this agonizing, debilitating, haunting feeling that this – THIS – could have been so different.
No wonder it doesn’t matter what I say now. She already knew.
I hesitated to speak about this. It’s so painful when it happens to you. But because I know it’s preventable, I have to tell you.
To save you from going through it. Again.
It doesn’t matter how much you’ve followed every rule to a T. It doesn’t matter how perfect you were, how much you’ve played it cool, how much you’ve been a “rules” girl and followed the very best advice. If you don’t reach out to me instead of him BEFORE you make that fatal error, all can be lost.
You see, it triggers you.
When you’re that attracted, when you’ve had that wonderful a time together, when you’ve been at that high, you feel like you’re going to blow it, like it’s so good it can’t last. Too good to be true, too amazing to maintain. You’ve finally found someone who sees you for you.
We do it to ourselves.
We sabotage it without even meaning to. We get scared, and that fear takes on a life of its own. Gone is the cool girl. Gone is the one who played it cool. And because it’s still too early, still too new, there isn’t enough of a relationship there to sustain the two of you through this part.
He’s thrown off guard, wondering where you went, wondering what happened to the coy, confident, radiant woman who knew her worth and knew he needed to prove he was worthy of her.
The chase is gone.
The wooing her, the chasing her, the romance. Now she’s calling him, texting him, emailing him – before he even has a chance to respond. The tables are turned.
He doesn’t know what to do with this new side of her. So he does the only thing he ever learned to do.
He stays away. He keeps his distance. Waiting for her to come back. The one he’s falling for. The one he’s still wooing. The one he’s hoping will find him worthy of her.
But now, it doesn’t seem to matter. She doesn’t even know him well enough yet to know if he’s worth it, but it suddenly doesn’t matter to her, or so it seems.
Why? He wonders, if he wonders at all.
She changes. She thinks he’s changed. But it’s really her. She got her trigger.
And then spiraled into the only holding pattern she knew. The familiar one. Get him back. Reel him back in. Show him more of you. Give him more of you. Show him more of what he’d lose if he left you now.
It’s right after that closeness when you’re feeling on top of the world that he’s stepping back to breathe a little. It was more than he expected. It was nice. It was wonderful. But he needs to regroup.
But that’s the opposite of what you need. And led by fear, by anxiousness, by the need to hold on tighter when it feels like he’s getting away, you hold on tighter.
It takes on a life of its own.
To him, it feels controlling. To us, it feels loving.
He hasn’t changed. He’s just stepping out for some air. We’re the ones who change!
If you can stop yourself, if you can speak some logic to yourself, you might be able to stop it yourself.
But when we’re in that place, when that little girl inside us is being triggered like she’s about to lose her only chance to be loved unconditionally because he brought back that memory of when it felt just that close, it's nearly impossible.
She can’t let this chance slip away!
So powerless she feels, she does the exact opposite of what she needs to do in this moment. But if she’s reaching out for him instead of me, if she’s acting on autopilot, there’s not much we can do to salvage this after the fact.
Because that’s the only time when she thinks to reach out to me. After the damage is done. When we can try a salvage plan, when we can try to undo the damage that’s already been done.
Sometimes, it works. But most of the time, it’s already too late.
I can’t say it. I can’t hurt her anymore than she already is right now. But the words on my lips that won’t be spoken out loud say it all.
Why didn’t you call me instead of him? Why didn’t you reach out to me instead of letting yourself spiral out of control?
I help them get there, and then when they’ve got it, when they’ve in the happy stage of being pursued, being sought after, having their choice of men, they forget the one thing they need to never forget.
Their trigger.
It hasn’t happened yet, so they don’t remember it. He seems so different. They feel so different. They’ve finally got it right! They’ve got it down. But oh that trigger! When it comes, if they’re not ready, it’s going to all come crashing down.
I don’t want to be there just to pick up the pieces. I want to be there before the shattering happens.
And that’s why you need me.
Not just in the beginning. Not just in the middle. But at that moment when you’re about to dial his number, press “send” on that email, write that text.
Then!
Don’t let this happen to you. I’ve seen it happen too many times to women who thought there were on top of the world to not let this happen to you.
I know this from firsthand experience.
I couldn’t have done this without my own mentor. It was when it was new, fresh. Her words may have been ones I could memorize, but the feeling was something I could never have prepared for.
When that trigger came, when I felt it, I needed someone in my court who had my back. It was then that I reached out to her instead of him. She talked me down. She reminded of everything I knew in theory before the triggers, and by the end of our call, I didn’t need to reach out to him for reassurance like I thought I needed to before.
Crisis averted.
Could it have still worked out if I had called him and not her? Maybe. But that’s a big maybe.
I would have revealed a side of myself I was still working on. A side that was only triggered because it was in the beginning stages without the benefit of time. I just needed someone to walk with me through that time.
And walk with me she did.
Until enough time had passed that I was able to see for myself that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he didn’t want to and didn’t have any reason to.
Wasn’t that a part of me that he would have loved for me? Yes, but not that early. That’s expecting a lot.
Not that early before he’s had a chance to get to know the rest. All he would have seen was a triggered, anxious woman spinning out of control. And that we can save for later. After the trigger loses its power in the presence of a little known something called true, unconditional love.
Until then, use the tools that you have available. I'm here for you, and I want to help.
And there's never been a better time to get started. Click here to see which option works best for you.
Because there's really absolutely no reason to go it alone. Do it now, before the damage is done. It's so much easier to get it right now, instead of trying to fix what's broken later.
And because you're worth it.
This article might be the best piece of advice for women, particularly younger women. I know it kinda turned me off when I liked a woman who was acting cool and nice then suddenly (in my mind) changed and started (dare I say) to become 'clingy' (I know women hate that word). Men should do a better job of talking to the lady and explain this (because now I've learned, for the most part, that this is a guy's misunderstanding of her thoughts). As I've gotten older, I've gotten better at communicating (most Men do-- hey it takes us time to catch up to you on that front), but back in my 20s and 30s, I wasn't, and I would simply back away or even go away. My wife stayed cool and I was hooked for life : )
Always enjoy male insights on here, Bentley. Thanks for sharing your story - and perspective! So glad this resonated with where you're coming from and I couldn't agree more on the importance of communication!
Thanks so much Jane,
Talk to you soon!
CC
Hi Jane,
I greatly enjoy your blog and I read the following comments above with interest. I have just signed up for private coaching sessions with you which will start in a few weeks. I'm 35 and have had a string of bad luck in dating and relationships despite being a pretty nice person (I think!)
I was dating a really nice guy a few months ago-- he initially was making lots of effort, driving to see me regularly (we live about an hour and a half apart), treating me like a lady, and generally seeming very interested. He started to pull away and become distant after we had a great 5th date and I stayed the night (no sex, but we were intimate). He is a gentleman and agreed we should not have sex until we knew each other better.
When I asked him about the distance,he said the usual excuses about being very busy at work et cetera, but after a phone call he said he still wanted to see me and we met up again. I was a little nervous on the date and perhaps it showed, and he seemed more distant but was affectionate but was kind of giving me backhanded compliments (you don't need to wear so much makeup, you're beautiful).
After the date, the distance continued and then he had a sudden bereavement (a sibling who was unwell for a long period of time, sad story). He was not close to his sibling, but obviously this was a major stressor and we stopped seeing each other as he said he was at a time in his life where he couldn't date. When I asked him for honest feedback , he said that he was very attracted to me, but that the location issues and lifestyle issues meant a relationship was too difficult.
He has been traveling for much of the summer, and after a month of no contact, send me a few texts to see how I was and we resumed friendly intermittent contact. He added me on Facebook and I guess I got my hopes up we could start seeing each other again.
However, I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks and I sense he's moving or has moved on. This is really hurting as I thought maybe the contact meant more than it did. Not sure whether I should just leave well alone or take a chance and tell him how I feel. It's killing me!
Would really appreciate some comments!
Thanks so much, and talk to you soon,
CC x
Let it go, CC. He's not it. You already have all the information you need: he doesn't want to date you. A contact on Facebook and a text here and there doesn't mean anything at all. He is not telling you he wants to date you or wants to see you and setting up dates. That's just lazy behavior that most men have just to feel they can get you whenever they feel like it. I would say go no contact, simple. No Facebook, no texts, nothing. Start dating other men.
Thanks angel- I appreciate it.
Cc
Welcome, CC. Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad you found your way here! I'll go into much greater detail with you in our coaching sessions, but for now, please don't give away any more of your beautiful heart and soul to this guy. There's a reason it feels like it's killing you and it's because you intuitively sense the truth. He's not there, he can't do this, even though he gives you these tiny threads of hope that leave you hoping he might just be able to. This isn't about you, it's not about your worthiness to get him to go back to the way he was in the beginning, or anything else about you.
We ALWAYS want to believe that contact means as much to him as it does to us because we know that's what it would mean to us! Don't reach out to him. It won't change anything, CC, because he knows how you feel. Even without you saying it, that's what we can't hide. We'll find a way for you to get your power back again, to take back that part of you you've given to him. We're going to get you there!
In the meantime, allow yourself to feel these feelings that are coming up for you. When we love like we do, when we feel like we do, it feels like everything to have something -anything - back from him, and it feels like nothing to not have a place to go with all those feelings and everything you want to say to him to turn it around. Let the words that you want to say flow onto paper, not on something you send him, but on something where you can use it for you to help you see what you're capable of feeling.
These are the beautiful gifts you possess, CC. That you love like you do, that you feel like you do, are all testaments to the kind of love you were made for - and the kind of love you deserve! I'm so looking forward to speaking with you, CC. I hope this gives you just a little something to start to shift your thinking until then. Sending you love and light. Talk to you very soon!
Hi, Jane, I haven't written for awhile, but I'm the one who's felt unconditional love from an absolutely wonderful husband of 31 yrs who died in 2012 of leukemia. Besides having had difficulties with that loss, I went to extremes with an ex boyfriend who couldn't commit after 2 1/2 yrs of being together, and underwent 2 previous marriages ending in bitter divorces. I do believe that was a big part of his problem with committing to me . I wanted to build a close, loving relationship and was in it for the long term, with the possibility of becoming more serious as time passes. He finally abandoned the whole idea, walked away "for good," and it's been over 4 months now. He was used to walking away and being abandoned himself by the others. However, I'M NOT THEM. But, admittedly, during month #3 after breaking up, I had to say a few things in messages (I avoided direct contact) in an effort to find some sort of closure and answer to the "why's." I agree, it's nearly impossible. And, when we did communicate briefly during the first 2 months, he pushed for casual, uncommitted friendship and calling every once in awhile to keep in touch. Personally, I told him this hurt me too much and would make me too hopeful that we'd get back together. I told him I'd be even more emotionally devastated if that failed to happen, so I could not be "just friends" whenever he wanted to communicate. I told him that I agreed with his decision to break up, but I had to try my best to drop communication in an effort to move forward. However, it's in month #3 when I left all those messages of wanting to say some things to him indirectly in my efforts to "TRY" and get closure. Sorry about that, but after I said a few things in messages, it made me feel better. Yes, I admit that I still do not have closure. So, at times the breakup REALLY gets me down, and at those times I just wish we'd be together again, but IN COMMITMENT, not disloyalty. And, I told him early on that my trust has been compromised when he walked away.
By the way, we are now not communicating at all, and he has not even tried the past couple of months himself anyway.
Also, I did send a nice card to his daughter & son-in-law in hopes they have no hard feelings toward me. They did like me a lot, and I did not degrade anyone, but mainly stated the bottom line that my relationship with her dad was perhaps not meant to be or continue, and I wished her and her husband a brighter future, whatever direction they go.
I also am a subscriber to your "Baby Step" weekly program, and I appreciate many of the pointers with that, too. But, not everything applies specifically to me. I already know my passions, interests, who I am deep inside, what I want in life, and what I want AND need in a relationship. Yes, want and need go together, too, obviously, if your love for someone is deep within, not "surface deep." I just hope that one day my ex will fully understand and realize "what great loss" he suffered by abandoning me for good, or put simpler, by throwing me away. I felt like a rebound, a door mat, a back-up plan, all rolled into one. And, the guilt sometimes gets overwhelming, but I don't believe I should really blame myself. I know I have love, compassion, honesty, sincerity, willingness to help by being someone's best friend, definite determination to remain committed and loyal, just to name a few traits.
I could write more, and sorry about this, but I'll cut off here, and say thank-you, too. You're a very caring lady, Jane. I just can't afford too much.
Delores
So nice to hear from you, Delores. Thank you for your kind words. You're a very loving, compassion, kind woman with so much to offer someone truly worthy of you. I'm sure this has been so painful for you, especially after the tragic loss of your wonderful husband. I can hear how much you want your ex to see what he's lost and to relieve you of some of this guilt by giving you some proper closure that would settle everything once and for all, but the irony about hoping for that day is that it hurts you more than it could ever affect him.
You deserve so much more, Delores. So much more! And there is nothing about you that could ever be worth throwing away! Please give yourself some peace by accepting that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time, with how he represented himself to you and with what he led you to be he could be for and with you. There's a pattern here evidenced by his 2 previous marriages ending in bitter divorces.
This isn't about you, it's about him.
Find some peace for yourself by accepting him for who he is and who he couldn't be for you. He may have tried, but in the end, the reality of what he was capable of and what he wasn't had to come through. Don't blame yourself. When you're with someone like this who triggers you in ways you probably didn't even realize you were being triggered, the fallout is feeling like you described here - a back-up plan, doormat, a rebound all rolled into one.
You're so much more than that! You're worth so much more! Pick yourself up. Dust your beautiful heart off. Hold your head up high. You loved in the only way you knew how to love. You tried everything you knew how to try. Set yourself free, Delores. Save that hope for someone who's actually worthy of it, not someone who can take you or leave you. You're the prize!
Don't let your worth be based on whether you can make someone commit to you who isn't capable of committing to anyone. You deserve to be loved again. But not by someone like this. By someone who will love and adore you for everything that you do and everything that you are!
hi Jane, your link isn't working in your article for your coaching.
Thanks, L! It's fixed now.