Wow.
I heard you. Loud and clear.
While my last post was intended to remind you of all that you are and all that you have to offer someone worthy of you – instead of comparing yourself to anyone else, I wasn’t prepared for the kind of response it invoked in many of you.
How you’re so long past comparing yourself that you’ve skipped right to the totally given up on… you.
On love. On any him.
Your words brought me back to that long lonely night. The dark night of the soul is how nights like that have been referred to. And that's exactly what it feels like. Those times where everything seems dark, where nothing seems like it’s ever going to change, where God, or the Universe, or whatever you happen to believe in seem to have turned their back on you.
The silence is deafening in those moments. They turn into hours then days and sometimes longer with no end in sight. They call on us to simply keep going. To keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving, regardless of how much we don’t want to have to.
The search has taken its toll. The search for answers. The search for what we think we have to do or be or become to get what we so desperately want.
But what if what you think you want isn’t what you actually need?
What if the picture perfect scenario that’s been playing over and over again in your mind that you think will finally give you the life, the love and everything else you think you have to have to be vindicated isn’t what will bring you the love and the happiness you’ve been programmed to believe it will, after all?
What if it’s only someone else’s dream for you – and not your own?
What if there’s another path to the same place?
What if the only way to find it is by going through this part first?
I want you to stop right here. Right now.
I want you to give up. The endless striving and searching to be something you were never intended to be. I want you to surrender to a better way. To a better place. To a better mainstay of being. In surrender to what will be. If you allow it to be.
That’s all you need to do right now.
Surrender. To not knowing. To not understanding. To not getting what you think you’re supposed to get.
You don’t have a role model. You never had one.
Don’t put this condition on yourself that you’re somehow supposed to know what you couldn’t possibly know without having someone show you. When you give up this exhausting search for some kind of perfection on your part, you allow what’s real to happen.
You allow the people and the circumstances to happen in your life in such a way that it absolutely happens!
You see, if you were to come back in time with me to a night when I knelt on the floor with my head in my hands, tears streaming down my face asking for some kind of miracle to show me I hadn’t been forgotten, you would understand why I can say this.
And why I kept moving, one foot ahead of the other even though I couldn’t see or understand anything that was happening. One foot ahead of the other as one thing after another began to slowly but surely fall into place, even though I couldn't see it at the time.
Until at that new place, I could see a little further, until the fog began to clear just enough for me to see where I needed to go next. That's all you need. Just enough light to get you to the next step. And then the next. See how little light that tiny step takes? You've been looking for the big one, thinking that without that kind of luminescence, anything less wasn't worth getting you to anywhere worth going. But that's all the light you need right now!
It’s why my heart leaps when you tell me how it’s all coming crashing down around you in not just one, but often every area of your life.
Not because I don’t commiserate with you – oh how I do! But because I know on the other side of what you’re going through, there’s nothing short of a miracle going on!
Don’t give up on you. Don’t give up on love. Don’t give up on whatever you believe in.
There is only one thing I do want you to give up on.
Give up the agonizing search. The endless searching. The struggle that never ends.
There’s so much more to your story! No, no, no, Beautiful. This isn’t how it ends. It’s only the beginning!
Is this speaking to you? You’re not alone. There’s a reason you’re here, that you’re seeing this, that you’re getting this, that you’re going to give it up for you. Let me hear you say it, right here, that you’re ready to give it up for the real thing - and allow what you’ve never seen before to happen for you. Share your story with us in the comments!
I've read so much on here. And basically every message has been the same, give up, move on. I feel sorry for all of you! I was always brought up to think nothing is impossible. If you want something never give up!!!! If you all just walk away from love so easy your never have it. never stop trying to make it work between both parties, never give up. Make up break up change each other, compromise if not Your never be happy!!! If you have children do you just all walk? Is that not the biggest commitment!! How about some different advise for everyone today. / live, try, make the impossible happen, you can do anything. You live once, time flys. Don't be on here five years from now!!! Good luck.
Nothing is ever impossible, Moonlight, but if you're the only one fighting for a relationship to work and getting nothing back in return, you have to look at what you're getting and whether it's viable to keep on fighting for your own sanity. When precious innocent children are involved, it is always more complicated - as it should be! My hope is to reach as many as women as possible before they bring a child into the world with a man who isn't on the same page - but most of us learn these difficult life lessons the hard way so learning them at any age, at any stage in life is always better than never knowing that you have worth, that you deserve to be loved, and that there's a difference between giving until it hurts, and giving up when you've done everything in your power to change things. In the end, we can only inspire a man to change. We can't change anyone but ourselves and the way we choose to see the world. And even that, as we all know, is no easy thing!
Squirrel, I really appreciate your religion analogy. I agree with you. Cultivating who we are as women and gaining a positive support system of friends and family. Cutting negativity out of our lives as much as possible, improving our health---mental and physical. These things will help set us up to not depend on a man to meet all our needs. An emotionally healthy man doesn't want to be your whole world... It's too much. Having a REAL satisfying life outside a man is attractive.
We must also be honest about our needs. If we want a real relationship and he doesn't/isn't ready---we must be willing to say goodbye. We are worth the goodbye.
Numb, he never gave you the relationship you wanted in the first place, he then left to be with someone else, and then you took him back with no promise of a relationship/romance. Sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't feel bad because there really isn't anything to feel bad about. He never committed to you. Karma wrote a wise comment on Jane's last post about being the "fallback" girl.
We ladies have gifts we can offer a man---- emotional, physical, intellectual, financial. If we are willing to give those out over and over (sometimes for years on end) with no strings attached, is it the man's fault for accepting them? Ladies, they don't think like us.
I appreciate your thoughts but I've heard this before. It's as if anything up to commitment doesn't require people to treat each other with care or respect? That makes no sense. I realize that no one owes anyone anything, but why enter into any relationships if that's the case? A lot of relationships aren't exclusive or committed, or they just never reach that point, but that doesn't mean that feelings aren't there, or that it's ok to just bail out when you feel like it without concern for another's feelings. I seem to hear this mainly from women who claim this is what men think. Yet all of my male friends day that's not true. When they spend a certain amount a time with a woman who they enjoy being with, whether she's a potential "one" or not, they still feel a responsibility to not hurt her.
Some men do feel that way, Numb. Not all of them. The next time you meet someone, take your time getting to know that person. Take it very slow. Observe the person's character. Not his personality, not his words that are so easy to say, but his consistency and his character. Don't give and give and give if you are not ok with that person just taking and then bailing. That is how you minimize the risk of giving to someone who is not willing or able to reciprocate your feelings. You mentioned in an earlier post that there was a voice that said "there must be something in you that invites this treatment". I will say two things: people do what they want because of who they are, not because of you. You just don't have that power, nor do you want it. If people treat you badly, it's because of them alone. Second, don't tolerate bad treatment. Boundaries are critical for you to let people who don't value you go when they disrespect you. You can be kind, but still cut someone off when they show you what kind of treatment they are giving you. Don't fall for the good girl trap of giving and forgiving without looking out for yourself.
Instead, ask yourself why you are working so hard on "relationships" with people who don't value you. What are you missing? People always show you who they are even at the very beginning. Listen, observe, see reality and not what you would like it to be.
I've been thinking about the change of attitude towards finding love that Jane's column explores, and Pat's reference above to work... and the following model occurred to me. I realise that in using religion as an analogy this might be problematic for some people but maybe it will make sense anyway - and I am using it simply as an analogy, and don't mean to offend anyone. So...
Basically, the attitude we're encouraged to take towards dating is a Protestant work ethic model. Work hard at it and you will succeed. If you don't work hard at it, you won't succeed. If you don't succeed, it's because you aren't working hard enough at it. Blah blah blah. I think about £££ and hours I spent doing online dating - and that's even before we get to the time and financial (let alone emotional) cost of the dates themselves! I think about how I used to take hours getting dressed up for these dates, and sometimes hours travelling there and back, even though I am gorgeous anyway and men should be coming to me! I think about how I used to spend hours despairing and crying over why I hadn't heard back from this guy or that (I can't even remember their names now), wondering what I had done that hadn't worked for them. It was SO MUCH WORK!!!
Instead, maybe we should take a more 'Catholic' approach to dating! By which I mean, maybe we should stop thinking that we'll only succeed if we put so much work into it, and instead have more faith in ourselves and in the world to provide us with what we need, sooner or later, if we make ourselves open and available to it.
I remember the day that I decided to unsubscribe from all the online dating sites, and instead to beam out into the world, to cultivate in myself and shine out with happiness, excitement, energy, beauty, love - in a way, to make myself into a walking talking real-life advert for myself by cultivating inner happiness. That evening, having made what felt like a momentous decision then and starting to act on it, I went for a short walk in the city where I live, and passed a group of people gathered on the pavement after an event. Among them was a man who looked exactly like Keanu Reeves - in fact, if it wasn't highly improbable that he'd come all the way here, I'd think it was him. I could see him watching me walk towards them, and as I passed he turned and gave me the most enormous wink!
So maybe, just maybe, we need to change our dating 'religion', and convert to one that places far less emphasis on work, work, work (and the belief that our worth can be measured by how hard and how successfully we work at dating) and far more on inner calm, contentment, confidence, faith! I certainly find this 'religion' more rewarding and enjoyable than the 'old religion' I used to believe in - and I'm keeping my fingers crossed right now, that it might have turned out to be more successful too...
This is exactly how I'm feeling at this moment. I've just been painfully and abruptly rejected by the only man I've ever loved for the second time. Why did I let him back into my life after the way he treated me before? I've never been desperate. I've never settled. Proof of that is I'm in my 40s and never been married. Never even been close. I never even meant to fall in love with him but I did. And when all of his wonderful attention in the first half of our "situationship" gave way to less communication and blowing hot and cold, I blamed it on his divorce, his job...anything but admitting to myself that I wasn't someone he ever saw a future with. I held on. And when he ditched me for someone new, I was devastated. He was suddenly ready for the relationship he would never give me. And when that ended and he came back to apologize, I thought he deserved a second chance. He seemed so sincere. He wasn't promising romance, but he wanted me in his life again. I thought we were "figuring it out." He wasn't ready for a relationship again. Until a few months later, he was. With someone else. Again. I'd always been just a fun way to pass the time. Nothing more. He says he's sorry but knows I don't believe him so he doesn't try to convince me. Maybe because he knows I'm right? So why am I so devastated? Why does the thought of never seeing or hearing from him again make me feel like I'm drowning? Why am I not relieved to be rid of someone so obviously not right for me? Because he's the only man I've ever loved. He's the only one who ever made me feel truly cared for (until he didn't). There's never really been anyone else. And I'm afraid that if it took me this long to find something that was only 1/4 of a relationship, how long will it take me to find a true one? I'm exhausted. I don't even care anymore. I'm a kind and caring person who can't find anyone, and he's a selfish, emotionally withdrawn person who easily goes from relationship to relationship. I know it's childish to say it isn't fair, but it isn't.
Dear Numb - you know what? I think the fact that you've sussed out this guy (whose pattern of cheating may lead him from relationship to relationship but will bring him precisely no real happiness) means that you're really close to finding the man for you.
Your breakups with this guy were about him - period. His problems, his patterns, his pain. They have nothing to do with you. They are not a reflection of you. They were not caused by you in any way, whatever he said. I know this might sound unfeasible right now but if you can get to the position of realising the truth of those statements (and they are true, given what you've told us), you're halfway there. Do you honestly think he has never done this to other women - and won't be doing it to the next 'you'? He's a lost little boy, lacking the self-awareness or reflective capacity to understand what his divorce was about. And those kind of men are VERY good at finding women to tend their wounds for a while until she's not 'doing it right' for them and another 'her' is found. Ever watch BoJack Horseman?!!!
But but but... the major lesson here for you (and we really do learn about ourselves at these moments!) is that now, after he's out of the picture, it's all about YOU. All about what YOU need and want, about what YOU deserve, about what YOU should address within yourself in order to make your short time on this planet as wonderful, fruitful and filled with love of ALL kinds as you can. That will mean really starting to tackle the questions you're asking yourself. As you say, these are the MAJOR major questions you need to answer now:
'...why am I so devastated? Why does the thought of never seeing or hearing from him again make me feel like I'm drowning? Why am I not relieved to be rid of someone so obviously not right for me?'
And if I could, I'd underline 'obviously not right for me' in the last sentence! See a therapist if you can and/or read about abandonment anxiety - were you (emotionally or physically) abandoned or neglected or had love withdrawn from you as a child? I love the writings of Heather Havrilesky on all this - she is very good. You could also read the book Men Who Can't Love to understand him and therefore help yourself. But this, now, is no longer about him. As Jane often says, 'He's going to do whatever he feels he needs to'. There's simply no point railing against that - you can't change it.
What you CAN change is your perspective and your life now. And it's when you change those two things - gosh, you are so close! - that the right guy will turn up!
Thank you for your kind response. He never cheated on me (I'm 99% sure), but it was a LD relationship. I guess while absence made my heart grow fonder, it was out of sight out of mind for him, and it was easy for him to forget all about me when someone new caught his eye. It's not the rejection itself that's so upsetting because I realize not everyone is a match. It's that he could never just be upfront with me. And both times, he completely disregarded my feelings by ending things in a cowardly way. I don't think I ever behaved like a doormat but he obviously thought I was one. I was never anything but good to him. I was there when he needed support. I believed in him. I encouraged him. I respected him. And he did nothing but disrespect me and act like the pain he caused me didn't matter. How can a person treat someone they claim to care about like that? And why is it so easy for women to let a man's opinion of her affect her own self worth? I know I'm a good person who doesn't deserve the treatment he gave me. But I can't stop asking why...and letting that little inner destructive voice pipe in with stuff like "there must be something about you that invites that kind of treatment." It's left me with so much to wrestle with, yet I'm sure he's sleeping like a baby tonight and going about his life like everything's just fine. He knows how hurt I am but it doesn't affect him. It's just unreal.
Maybe I am realizing with your post..today that I'm pressuring a man to
Maybe I am realizing with your post..today that I'm pressuring a man to love Me after living together for 3 years.. I'm wanting wishing and hoping for something that is just not gonna naturally unfold. It seems like all is lost but I'm not ready to give up yet...
V
Vicki, you are having a major breakthrough. That you are on this site, and this post speaks to you is a sign. That you think you have to WORK for this man's love is a sign. That you are not getting the love you need after living together for 3 years is a sign.
Questioning is healthy. You will know what you need to do when you're ready.
I love this perspective of giving ourselves the freedom to let go and just be. Being encouraged to relax and that doesn't mean giving up but releasing and opening to our paths and then knowing that it will indeed work out just fine.
What a wonderful thing to read before bed.
As always, thank you
So glad, Barb! Thank you.
Jane
This comes at such a perfect time for me because I deal with so much rejection especially when my hopes get high. I felt like all the work I do to try and make myself a person who is someone people enjoy being with and men will be attracted to, the more I get let down.
Your words today addressed this in a way that still gives hope and brings healing and guidance. I really do feel like it will never happen for me and want to completely disengage, but deep down I crave it. I want so much to be in a loving relationship and have waited just about my whole life having been in a bad marriage for 23 years. I am single and free and happier but lonely. And I've been divorced for 7 years now. I'm grateful that I came across your course but it can't work without my 100% effort and discipline. At least for now I can stop the search and just live and enjoy life.
Thank you for the great work you do and the support and hope which is huge.
You've got this, Lu. So glad that hope came through for you. Live your beautiful life, create the kind of life for yourself that is beautiful and full of so much love and light. I'm always here to support you on this journey!
Hi Jane, your message today, brought tears to my eyes. To tell you the truth, after many years of trying to get back in the search for my MAN, DISAPPOINTMENTS had dried up all my tears. I have only bitterness in my heart until today, thank you for writing with so much wisdom: let go and let God. My unfulfilled expectation has melt in a mold of contemplation of ME in the hand of God. I felt "complete" and "confident" just by following your advice which makes great sense to me. God has the best for me. He will guide me through. He knows what is best for me. I trust Him and thank Him for your good work.
Thank you Jane for sharing your insights with us. God bless.
Angela
oh Angela, how I hear you. I'm so glad this resonated with you!
Like you Jane I was on the floor and I was sobbing b/c surely God had forgotten me. And from my position on the floor I begged God to tell me in some way that he had not forgotten me or I didn't think I would be able to hold on. The very next day this scripture was referenced in a CD I was listening to by Joyce Meyer. "Trust God and do good" (if you want to look for it) and I knew without a doubt that God had just come through to tell me what I so desperately needed to hear. I want to share it with all of you in case you are in the same place.
ISAIAH 49:15
For the Lord comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
14 But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me, (Zion is the church, YOU AND ME)
the Lord has forgotten me.”
AND THE LORD SAID:
15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
I hope this helps someone as it helped me. Hang in there sister. YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.
Dee Dee
Thank you for sharing this. It does help a lot and I often listen to Joyce Meyers for inspiration too.
I quit our "pseudo-relationship" in Sept 2015....once I found it was pseudo, and not an actual relationship as I had been lead to believe. I vowed never to speak to him again. I felt humiliated because I made it crystal-clear early on that I am a Relationship Girl (I don't do FWB 's or Untitled's or Situationships, etc), he just FAKED one to accomplish his own personal goal. He's almost 40 and is gainfully employed, so I really didn't think he actually had the time to spare, to play such games! Ha! I was shocked. But another problem began when he contacted me about a month after I stopped this. We have not been romantic since Sept 2015, but he has called and texted during this past year about wanting to marry me. However, he's not asked me on a real date! I called him out on this by saying, Do you really think I believe you want to marry me, when you haven't asked to SEE me during this past year? To which he did not respond. I thought, PERHAPS he may have real feelings for me since he's been making the time and effort to keep in contact with me, even though "romance" is no longer being provided. Sounds like he might have changed, yes? Sounds like he may have real feelings, yes? NO. And NO. Not at all. This man deals with telling %'s of truth, but not the whole truth and it's caused me problems of being confused, distracted, preoccupied, because I then had the task of trying to sort out which bits are true, and to what degree. And I tried to have a reasonable convo with him about how if I did this to him, he wouldn't like it either. His reply was "ok." Yea. I put his calls Block and texts on Spam and then texted him I can't do this, I have a busy life and having the responsibility of "sorting percentages of truth" gives me a headache and to not contact me unless he is 100% truthful. But I'm sure to hear from him as my B'day is this Thursday (Aug 18) and he will use it as an excuse to text. Yes, it will end up in my Spam folder, which I don't really like because it'll still be there on my phone. But I can't find an app that will literally reject a text, like "bounce it back to the sender, Unread". God, I wish there was such an app! But I plan to ignore it. It won't mean anything anyway. I'm just a bit surprised that a man who's almost 40 could act so childish! But he's like Donald Trump to me now: if it takes me 5 days and consultations with other people to figure out what parts of his convo's are true, that's just too much work! And too risky to put my trust in a man who doles out Truth in percentages. I remember the words of a professor: you GET the man you marry. And even if he showed up on my porch on blended knee with a ring and a date picked out, I would tell him 'no' because I think being married to this man would be so lonely because I'd be the only one with honesty and my emotions invested. I decided I'd rather enjoy my own company and my family and friends. I don't want to spend every day of my life wasting time on wondering what % of his words are true! It's hard to make the initial break and even harder TO KEEP DISCONNECTED but I must. I noticed I have much more peace of mind when he's not in it. The minute I have the slightest compassion and respond to even the most "harmless" text or call, like a tidal wave I'm swooped back into being more preoccupied with %-ages of truth, than I am in actually enjoying my day. I know this may sound mean and hardcore, but this one's slippery like an eel, and cutting him off and KEEPING him cut off from me, is the only way I will have peace.
I think this men sometimes do not know what they really want. When we gives them our time they think we are so desperate while if we do not then they think we are seeing someone else. Trust is an issue in our generation and getting a faithful guy is quite a challenge. I was deeply hurt by my boyfriend who never had any possibility of being abusive but turned out to be otherwise. May God help us find those that will respect us as He gives us peace during the waiting period.
your last sentence brings me peace ?
Somebody please explain why exes come back months, even years later to start the chase again and why oh why do we give in to it and listen to their rubbish and fall for it again? I decided to split with my ex after 2.5years of nothing and right at that very time like 2 days later a guy from 4 years ago calls me again from 10000miles away asking if there is a chance for us. I think these men are so mixed up they don't know what they want and come back when they can't find anything better or are just plain bored. I'm pretty sure God did this to show me that I deserve better than these arrogant, selfish losers who are looking for anyone to drip feed their egos...Yes I'm strong now ?
Amen
I sooo would like to know why!! Happened to me last month... he came back after 10 years, we went out a few times. I wanted more, he said he didn't. It devastaded me, one more time, after 10 years... So here I am, moving on with my life, getting over him, when he texts me yesterday, "just to say I was thinking of you".
Why??
We discussed, we do not want the same things. Why on earth does he do that???
Ego strokes. Block, delete.
It's because we give up on ourselves before we will ever give up on him, Cindy. You do deserve so much more - and that you're seeing that now from such a stronger place within yourself is beautiful to behold! 🙂
Thank you, Jane for your words, listening to us, and being there for us. I admire your kindness and patience with all of us, your wisdom to see where we are and the love you put in yours words to let us know we are heard and fine as we are, no matter how much we believe otherwise.
I feel somewhat lighter now that I have consciously decided to stop looking as you prompt us to. I am not necessarily hopeful, but I am feeling somewhat better than last week. I think I will hang onto my peace of mind from now on. I know I will be triggered again at some point because I know myself enough now, but we'll see how I keep living life.
Hugs to you.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Angel. You're so welcome. It's because one has been there that we cannot let another suffer alone!
I'm a 71 year old widow and been in a so called relationship for 17 years with a widower. In those years I've never had real commitment. I've been the wife, cooked,cleaned etc but have received little in return emotionally,in fact I've been very lonely. He is selfish and our relationship is largely about what he wants.i do the giving, he does the taking. We have a very difficult friendship but we neither of us can seem to make the break. After three weeks apart after our latest problem I'm beginning to feel the loneliness and that somebody is better than nobody. Help!
Barbara,
Big hugs to you for reaching out. I do believe you want to be free from him, but 17 years is a long time to be with someone and then just stop. It hurts to be alone, but it hurts to be with him too. So, my first suggestion is if you believe in God, pray He makes a way for you to escape this bind. Second, while you wait for His guidance, be kind to yourself. You are worth it. You need someone to show you compassion, even if it comes from yourself, that's OK. Plus, doing nice things for you will keep your mind off your man, even if it's only for minutes or seconds, and that's OK because our God can get an answer to you in even the briefest of moments, so don't give up. Third, forgive yourself if you go back to what you know. Don't hate you. You are trying to break a 17 year old habit of being with this man and while breaking any habit, slip-ups do occur. Just be kind to yourself even then, and remind yourself you can leave again and again and as often as necessary until you are finally free. You are worthy of real love. If, for a period of time, it appears as though only you love you, don't panic or despair. God cares and many people who read this are probably caring as well, and cheering you on. :). ~hugs