We all know her.
She’s the one who can be herself so effortlessly. The one who says and does what she wants so unapologetically. The one who always seems to get what she wants.
She’s the one we’re secretly so jealous of. She moves about a room with ease, she’s never without a date, and unlike you, she’s not worried about who is or isn’t calling or texting or overthinking everything trying to figure out what her next move should be.
Sound familiar?
She was to me, too.
If only I was more like her, you think. If only I could do relationships and dating as easily as she seems to.
Well, I’ve got news for you, Beautiful. There’s only one thing she’s got going on that you don’t.
She knows her own power.
That’s the only thing she’s got that you don’t. And lest you think there’s some defect in you that you’re never going to have the kind of power, I’ve got news for you.
You’ve had it all along. You may not remember ever having it. You might not have ever felt you had a right to use it. But it’s been there all along. Waiting for you to remember it. Waiting for you to find it. Waiting for you to use it!
We’ve got to help you get your own power back! We’ve got to get you seeing the world through eyes of confidence, through eyes that know your worth, that know that you’re the prize, that you deserve all the love in the world!
This is why she’s not the one I’m talking to here, I’m talking to you. She doesn’t need this. Whether she was brought up with people in her life who set her up to know that there was nothing she couldn’t do or be if she wanted it badly enough, or whether she worked hard at overcoming whatever initial setbacks she went through to become the woman you’re seeing now, it doesn’t matter.
There’s nothing she’s got that you can’t have to!
All those questions you’re struggling with – Should I call? Should I respond to his text or wait a little longer? Should I play hard to get? Should I accept just being friends? Should I let him know I’m interested? Should I have THE talk? Should I stay or should I go? I promise you, every single one of the answers to your questions is going to become crystal clear when you have one thing down – your power.
It’s why you need to get this part. It’s why this is the part you need to focus on above anything else you think this is about.
It only requires one thing of you; to be the gatekeeper of your own heart.
Nothing comes in that you don’t choose to allow in. Everything that gets by, every person, every behavior, every action, every single thing that you let in is because you choose to let it in. It’s a new role for you. It’s the only one that gives you your power back and sets you free to trust yourself.
You become the gatekeeper of your beautiful, precious heart.
When you give like you do, when you love like you do, nothing less than someone watching out for you will do. And no one can do this quite like you.
You know what you deserve, even if you’ve been accepting less for far too long to remember what that’s like. You know!
It’s how you find your power. By choosing. By speaking up. By making choices that celebrate you. By making every last thing that comes into your life every single day, a choice. Your choice.
How can you feel your power if you don’t feel like you have a choice at all? Make everything a conscious choice. It has to become a habit. Start small, and you’ll go big. Start with the easy ones, and the difficult ones won’t seem so hard.
Stop looking at what anyone else has. Start looking at yourself as the gatekeeper to your heart. Does it serve you? Does it honor you? Is it loving, is it compassionate, is it forgiving? If it’s not, it doesn’t get in.
If he isn’t, he doesn’t get in.
This is the process. Choosing. What gets in. What stays out. What never, ever, EVER gets a chance to hurt you again.
You choose, Beautiful.
Not him. Not her. Not them.
Only you. Beautiful, confident, radiant you!
I want to hear from you. I know this message resonates with so many of you. Let me hear you say it. I choose. And then tell me in the comments what’s never EVER getting past you again!
Thank you for reminding me that I have my own power. It is so simple yet not something I would think of on my own. I love the gatekeepers responsibilities. To protect myself and only allow in those worthy of me and my love. I will definitely implement this in my daily life. I’m thinking it will be very helpful hatekeepimg everyone in my life and not just love interests. Thank you so much! Your blog is very helpful
Thank you for reminding me that I have my own power. It is so simple yet not something I would think of on my own. I love the gatekeepers responsibilities. To protect myself and only allow in those worthy of me and my love. I will definitely implement this in my daily life. I’m thinking it will be very helpful hatekeepimg everyone in my life and not just love interests. Thank you so much! Your blog is very helpful
Your posts are so beautifully written and so touching. They definitely go right through to my center and make me remember who I am. I lost my husband of over a decade late last year and as a young(ish) widow dating again who never ever had to question my husband's feelings for me, it is a whole new scary dating world out there.
I already lost myself in one person and I am still trying to figure out how to maneuver through this landscape as the new woman I am becoming. The woman who is now without the man who never made me question, never made me wonder, never made me lose my value and my worth. He knew how valuable I was from the beginning and he never faltered from seeing me that way. I thought I would never have to deal with any of this again but grief takes a huge bite out of who you are as a person and your blog posts remind me of just how valuable I was and still am. I just need to find where it went. It is somewhere inside of me. Perhaps in the giant hole that the loss of my husband left.
I really appreciate your blog. It is incredibly helpful, empowering, beautiful and a good replacement for my own self talk. You are doing a lot of good for a lot of people. Thank you.
(BTW, to clarify, when I said I already lost myself in one person, I mean a person I dated since my husband died. I never lost myself with my husband. I always knew exactly who I was with him and he never made me feel like I had to lose myself. Just wanted to clarify because I realize I didn't make that very clear.
The guy I recently dated who made me lose myself was somebody I was definitely looking to for an escape and I let myself get addicted to him and forget about everything else. It was terrible but a good learning experience and it brought me here. I am so grateful for that.)
Thank you for your beautiful words, Annie. I'm so glad these are resonating with you. I'm so very sorry for your tragic loss. It may feel like a different dating scene out there, but you still show someone how to treat you, how to love you, how to be with. Take it slow. Make friends. Stretch your wings. Remember your worth. And let any him whom you're considering prove his worthiness to you. Over time. With consistent actions that show you far more who he is than words ever can. He wants to have to live up to your high standards; make sure you allow him to.
I am definitely going to use the gatekeeper questionnaire from now on when I meet someone. Thank you for simplifying it.
So glad this helped, Ana. It is just that simple, no matter how complicated it feels!
Never will i ever allow abuse and neglect to enter my heart and life again ...i do deserve love and respect, so if you dont love and respect me feel free to leave ☺
You've got it, Esther. Exactly!
Bravo Jane! I am a work in progress, but I will never again settle for less than what I deserve. That choice is all MINE.
Exactly, Kathleen. A beautiful work in progress - just like each and every one of us. So glad this resonated with you!
I will never again give my body to a man who doesn't want a committed relationship with me. In the future I need to sit back and see what a man is all about first before getting swept away with chemistry. What a painful thing to be sleeping with a man and only later find out he doesn't want anything serious. From now on a man needs to prove to me what his intentions are and if they are honorable or not.
How I hear you, Jen. Your words resonate with so many of us who've been there, who've felt that pain, who understand what it feels like just like you. Here's to you, Beautiful! You've got this!
I choose to not be used nor abused ever again.
Never again, Carolyn. Your heart is too precious to ever let anyone through like that again.
Thank you so much for your post and for reminding all ladies out there that we have the power within us.Last year I started dating a guy who I later discovered was a player I decided to breakup with him a couple of months ago, though it was so painful because I really loved him, I had to choose me over him.
Iam still hurting but deep down I know it was the rightful thing to do,I know with time I will heal and meet someone who will treat me with respect.So ladies let us not settle for less we have the power.
That's what so hard about this, Masuka. It puts us in a position to have to choose ourselves over someone else, when all we've ever been taught how to do is to put ourselves last. No wonder we struggle with this! Take that beautiful part of you that knows you did the right thing and wrap your arms around it. You knew. We always do, if we allow ourselves to be just that powerful to know more than we think we could possibly know in the first place. All you! And oh how you will!!
Yes Jane, I totally relate. A few years ago I totally lost myself. A guy whom I thought was my prince charming broke my heart and as expected, because of how much I loved him, my life broke as well. At the time I used to think that I would not survive going through life without him and it was hard as well as painful.
Then one day, after a lot of work, I decided to claim and use my power - the power that was ALWAYS within me.
I am not a selfish person in general but I am unapologetically selfish with me. I am at a point where I come first and accept that not everyone will like me and that is okay because I like me more than anyone will ever like me.
Thanks for reminding me that it is okay to be myself and to do what makes me happy. And it is okay to have power and to use it.
That's why I'm here, Decky. 🙂 This has been my lifelong lesson, too. It IS more than ok to be yourself and do what makes you happy no matter how guilty we can feel doing exactly that. It's only our programming, our culture, and everyone else in our lives that prefers we stay exactly the way we've always been that reinforce those beliefs that keep us doubting ourselves! How can our lives not break as well when we love the way we love? How can our lives not break when we stake everything on the love of someone who would put as high up on that pedestal we reserve for yet another him? You're not alone, so not alone, and I'm so proud of you for discovering the only thing that ever frees us from our pain and heartbreak - you discovered you!
Thank you, Jane for the reminder.
I have gotten more acquainted with my power, but lately a few things have been getting me sad. I am not contacted a lot on the dating app, and once I do, I don't like any of these men. Things just don't work out and I refuse to carry all the weight to make them happen. I have been pondering and reading a book about fear of commitment and I see myself there. I am indeed afraid of committing to a man that doesn't really love me. I have hung on and held on to men in the past who never saw me or cared at all and those experiences have been enough for me to not want to go through that ever again. But when I meet men who seem nice, I just don't feel anything. It's like all of a sudden I don't know what I am looking for or what I am supposed to want. I have grown a lot, but I think I am somehow stuck and lost. I would like to become available because deep down I think that must be my issue, but I don't know how.
Some days I feel like the strangest woman on earth because at 30 I have never had a real relationship, only unrequited love or failures.
I am not even interested in marriage and children, all I would like is a partner.
Feeling a little down today
It's so easy to forget this, Angel. How I hear hear you. How I feel what you're saying. So what if you were perfect right now, if you didn't need to work on anything more, if you didn't need to prove anything to anyone, could this all be simplified? You're not the strangest woman on earth. You're not strange at all. You're your own beautifully original masterpiece. You've let the past ones go. You've let the patterns go. Now it's just a matter of showing up, doing what makes you happy, checking in with yourself to see what you need, what you want and what matters most to you. Don't look through anyone else's lens; look through your own. Someone who's truly compatible with you will have everything that matters to you. It's the comparison of so many things that can keep us rooted in such fear. But what if you're enough? What if there's nothing to be afraid of? And what if you intuitively know deep down exactly what you desire without any fear around it? Down happens. It's ok. Ride it out until the next wave of up comes. When you feel like you do - like so many of us sensitive, courageously feeling souls do - we have to learn to ride the waves without taking ourselves so seriously. Love happens every single day all around us. It's always, always happening for you, whether you feel it, whether you believe it, whether it comes or goes or lingers awhile. We may not be able to control everthing we want to, but we can always have a say about that lens we see through! 🙂