One of our magnificent readers Liz, is feeling utterly powerless...
Here's her story:
Hi Jane! First of all, I LOVE your site. Thanks for always being honest, helpful, and down to earth.
Given that, I'm hoping you can help me here.
I want SO badly to be that happy, independent, empowered single woman. I should be happy - I have my dream career, a social life, close friends and family, and my own hobbies.
However, for some awful reason, I'm secretly so unbelievably lonely and depressed, unless I'm talking to/dating/sleeping with a man. When I'm completely single and don't have a man giving me validation, I'm so sad going about my daily life, activities, and errands.
Then BAM, as soon as I start talking to someone, I'm happy as a clam, merrily going along with my day.
And then on the other hand, when something doesn't work out, I am DEVASTATED. Even if they are acting a little shady, instead of being like, "whatever!!" I get physically sick to my stomach checking my phone every five seconds, not being able to concentrate on my job.
I hate this about myself.
It's my biggest weakness - and in my heart I KNOW that true love will come my way when I'm TRULY happy being alone. I just want to be one of those happy, single women. But nope, I'm only happy if I have a random guy texting me, "Good morning, beautiful!"
It's pathetic. Help!
Thank you!!
Liz
My Response:
Dear Liz,
I'm so glad you reached out to me.
I can't even begin to tell you just how much your email reminded me of myself not so long ago.
As long as there was someone pursuing me, everything about life felt wonderful and I was on top of the world! But alone, I was never content, let alone happy, and it was always an act trying to pretend I was the confident, independent woman I was so good at showing the world.
But behind closed doors, I could never hide the truth of what I really felt. The lonely little girl always looking for love in all the wrong places was always there as I closed the door behind me and stepped into the reality of my own lonely life.
Time and time again I hear such a similar story from some of the most successful, intelligent, outwardly confident women I've ever known.
The majority of these women all share one thing in common. No matter how successful they may be in their professional lives, no matter how full their social calendar may be, there is a loneliness - and a shame about that loneliness - they all carry with them.
Without having worked with you before to get some more background, Liz, it's hard for me to pinpoint exactly where your "a-ha" moment may lie.
But from what you have told me, I sense that there's something for you to find behind your words "I should be happy." Therein lies my question to you. Why "should" you be happy? Are you living your life for yourself or someone else? Whose idea of perfection are you trying to live up to? And more specifically, why do you feel the need to?
There's more here, too, in your words "for some awful reason". And in "I'm secretly so unbelievably lonely and depressed". As well as in "I hate this about myself."
Like I said, without knowing more details it's impossible to know for sure, but I think I may have some idea of what's going on here, Liz.
Without someone to please, to measure your worth against, you don't know who you are. Work provides that validation as you measure yourself against your goals and objectives and what you planned for your life.
Your friends and family provide that validation as you participate in a relationship with each of them. They respond to you and by their response, you become real. You know more about yourself in relation to them. But without them, without talking to someone, you don't really know who you are or where you fit in.
And so without a man in your life, without someone in the queue, without a prospect on the horizon, without someone to talk to and maybe flirt with a little, you don't know who you are.
With all your sense of worth coming from outside of yourself, Liz, it's no wonder you're devastated and becoming physically sick to your stomach to the point that it affects your entire world. This is a perfectly understandable reaction when you require someone outside of yourself to validate your worth.
It's not pathetic, it's completely understandable!
The way to begin to change this is first to recognize it. You reached out for help and that's why I know this is going to change for you.
You're ready. You don't want to live like this anymore. You don’t want to do this to yourself anymore.
Throw out everything you thought you knew about love, Liz. About relationships, and romance, and attraction and men. About dating and "getting" a man.
How you change this is by having a love affair with yourself. Let's go find Liz. This life you've been living somehow isn't you. Throw off the shoulds, the self-critical perfectionistic view you hold of yourself and find out who you are beneath the shell of this perfect persona you do so well.
How you feel about yourself needs to be your only measure of worth, not what anyone else feels or thinks about you.
Most of us play this part so well, we don't even realize it's a part. But when you take time out for you and transfer that validation where it rightfully belongs - back to you - something beautiful is going to come out of this. You.
You're already her, Liz!
Like so many of us, we just haven't discovered ourselves yet. We're still stuck in the role. We haven't emerged like the butterfly who discovers she's been a butterfly all along.
Shed the outer exterior of what you think everyone else wants you to be. If you're living your life the way it's "supposed" to look like – the way it "should" look like – and not the way the real you wants to live, you're always going to be looking for someone or something outside of you to validate yourself.
This isn't a weakness. It's you at your most vulnerable point. The point where all change happens.
Don't fight it. Embrace it. When you can accept this part of you, you're going to see just how much more of you there is that you can also accept.
And when you see that, you'll see you. And when you see you, you allow him to finally see you, too.
I so hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
What are your thoughts? Have you found yourself feeling the same way as our stunning friend Liz? How have you coped with it? Share your story with us in the comments!
I was Liz for way too long. I got addicted to the attention and felt I couldn't live without that good morning text. Once I realized I needed to change, I signed up for a daily quote to be sent to me from a great source of inspiration. There are tons of them out there to choose from! It really helped get me over the hurdle of not needing a random text from someone who really didn't mean anything to me. It started to inspire me to love myself for myself. I ended all the connections to people I really didn't have a connection with and then...as it happens in the rom com books, I found my man. Still can't believe it, yet enjoying every minute of it.
I'm so happy for you, Maureen. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. You're an inspiration to us all!
Liz,
I used to be JUST like you. But now that girl couldn't be further away from me. The same can happen for you.
First of all, please never say you "hate" something about yourself. You should never hate anything about you. So what!? So you'd rather be in a relationship than alone - it means you know what you want and how you want your future to look. That's a great quality! The fact that you're strong enough to admitt that is wonderful. Love that part of yourself rather than hating it.
As for how desperate you feel, if you continue down the path Jane is talking about, it will dwindle away. I used to feel worthless because no one "wanted" or "pursued" me. It's human nature to want to feel "wanted" or "pursued." But you know what, my entire life has changed when I started "wanting" myself and "pursuing" myself. I wanted myself to be happy, to be full of love, to feel so alive. I wanted to give myself a better life - so I did! I pursued who I really was. I pursued my interests, pursued ways to raise my confidence and be gentle with myself, then I pursued people in my life that add joy, not confusion or sadness. I love myself so much and I'm so excited to be me but it took A TON of work to get here. If you start that work too, I can guarentee you - you won't be disappointed!
It's not about all the hims you mentioned, it's about you. It doesn't mean you'll be alone forever, or a man-hater, it means you won't settle for anything less than what you deserve and want, and you'll enjoy a fulfilled life on the way to this dude! 🙂
Jane responded to you for a reason, you are about to embark on an incredible life journey. There are going to be good days, bad days, downright horrible days but I promise you it is soooo soooo worth it!
Oh how true, Julie. Your words for Liz say so much from what can only be learned from the "going through"! Thank you for adding everything you have here to the conversation!
Liz you have started the journey because you are reaching out for help. Jane is so right "have a love affair with yourself", I had always loved me some me. In the last 3yrs I lost who I was and allowed my self worth and self esteem to be dictated by what someone that I felt was more educated, made more money and was on the rise to be very successful. It has taken me over a year to get my self worth and self esteem back. Now I will never give that away again. I did not love who I was back then...but TODAY I LOVE ME SOME ME!!! All that love I was given to someone else, I give it to me. The good thing about that you draw who you are (law of attraction) test it out...start loving you Liz and she if you attract love!! I tried it and it works. I have someone in my life that truly love me. LIVE life to the fullest, LAUGH as hard as you can and LOVE yourself!!!
Beautifully said, RealDavis. "Now I will never give that away again" - isn't that the truth!
liz i know how that feels. there was a time in my life i was lonely with out u, that's why it sucks to be single sometimes. u should focus on your job and go out to a club or even a pub with your best friend n meet some men there or join a club which matches your hobbies. example for me i go to a gardening club with my friends they have it every last sunday of the month and i got to meet new ppl n hang around talking to a guy i like n have met before n still remembers me
1x u join a club or go out with friends the next thing is priortise your things. like family first, job, friends etc.
the more u go out there the more the guys like u etc. this week 1 guy who is still my facebook friend i'm very keen n interested in him n both see each other at a gardening club. 1 man talked to me on the bus as he was studying biomedics and a different 1 talked to me on the bus but he had a gf but was nice though.
my close friends say to me there is someone is out there waiting for u but u don't know who until u meet them. he maybe at a club, in a pub or at the station. come to meeting men i think u should a criteria liz so then u will know what u want n don't want in a man. if you're interested in a man n he got 4/10 in your criteria then he's not the 1 but if he's 10/10 in the criteria then he's the right 1.
I know there is someone out there waiting for u liz, family n friends can help u etc
Thank you, Courtney. I would add that the most important criteria is being a match for you. This isn't about either of you being a perfect 10 - it's about two very real imperfect human selves being compatible with each other in the ways that matter most!