What's to love?
What really is so loveable about him?
Is it the way he treats you?
Is it because he behaves so lovingly towards you?
Or is it instead, because of the feeling you have when you're with him?
In that short time span, it feels like you've found everything you've ever wanted in a guy. The way he makes you feel. The excitement he brings to your life, your world, just by being with him. But is it really about him at all, or simply the feeling that you get from being around him because of everything you believe to be true about love, but what in reality, isn't about love, but about trying to make someone love you?
Isn't that what the feeling is really about?
Not about him. But about you.
You've confused the two. And it's no wonder, when you've received so many confusing messages about love.
We've been told for as long as we can remember that it's all about how love feels. But what we're not told is that we can't live on a feeling. We can't make love from a feeling. We can't sustain a relationship with only a feeling. We can't build a future together on a feeling.
It doesn't matter how amazing that feeling may be, at the end of the day, it's still only a feeling.
"But it's so strong!" you say. It's so amazing when we're together!
Of course it is.
How can it not be when it's such a familiar one? It's not really about him. It's about your fantasy. It's about the role he plays in your dream finally coming true. You've created this role for him as much as he's responding to that role. It serves him, too.
But don't call it love. Real love is about real life. It's about communication and commitments. It's about being there for each other in every way, in every possible kind of scenario. It's about the messy parts as well as the neat ones. It's about the unpredictable and unplanned imperfect parts as well as the times that everything just seems to fall into place.
Feelings can't get you through those kinds of everyday real life scenarios. Feelings won't get you through the rough, raw moments that you think they will.
Now.
Now isn't tomorrow. And it doesn't come close to being forever.
You've created this role for him. That's right; you! See how powerful you really are?
Now just imagine what kind of a role you can create for someone to fill when you get past a mere feeling. That's what we're going for here. That's what you deserve. And that's exactly what you're going to find for yourself when you let go of your need for a feeling that only lasts for so long, and trade it in for a real kind of love that lasts forever!
hi
Thank you fro this! It is the clarity that I have needed this week. I had coffee with a man a few times and he is wonderful. There is a lot to love....but he doesn't call and gets busy. I need to feel strong and see with eyes of reality....what does he do that is loving and would I really be happy with who he really is! These are great questions and they help me see with real eyes....not just the eyes of my fantasy! (mybeautifullybrokenlife.com)
So glad this resonated so much with you, Leslie. "These are great questions and they help me see with real eyes....not just the eyes of my fantasy!" - Yes!
A practical approach to a relationship does not mean that one cannot be romantic. I have met a girl that has been very good to me but it is early yet. I have been very good to her as well and she appreciates that. Am I the one? Is she? Rather, is she one I can love and am I one that she can. We will see, but practically speaking, she checks out so far. I guess what I am trying to contribute is don't be sure until you are sure.
I'm happy for you, Wayne! I hope you are treated with the same huge amount of love you have in you to give. Take it day by day and with gratitude for the beautiful moments you live. Hugs
I love how you put this, Wayne. Thank you for adding your perspective here - and this update. I'm so happy that you're experiencing this type of relationship - and asking these questions along the way. This is what it means to take your time, take it slow, and really get to know someone before giving your beautiful heart away!
"It's about your fantasy. It's about the role he plays in your dream finally coming true. You've created this role for him as much as he's responding to that role. It serves him, too." this is just a description of how I always behave in most of my relationships...and the one I thought I had recently.... I had just blocked this guy from my whatsapp and reason being that our relationship was not going anywhere and every time I asked Him about his plans towards me he would not give me any straight answer and the last time I asked Him whether he had any plans for moving the relationship forward in terms of communicating more in person rather than just via whatsapp he just kept quiet and never said anything for about a week, and me being stupid I contacted him again telling him I miss him and he told me he misses me too.
but after a week of chatting to him I realized that things are still the same he still doesn't make any plans to see me or anything and I decided to block him on my whatsapp, its been more than a week of no contact and during this week he hasn't tried to contact me at all and that has given me the answer that he really doesn't care much about me......even though I`m glad that I finally blocked him I still cant help having that little hope that he might reach out and talk to me, I do miss Him at times......but your article has made me realize that I probably just miss the fantasy of what I had hoped for with Him....
thank you once more for another amazing article.
I'm so glad this helped you see the fantasy from the reality that we can pin so many of our hopes and dreams on, Lolly. You're never alone here! So often it's when there seems to be no clear answers that we have all the answers we need.
Thank you for writing this, Jane! I fell hard for that fantasy to the extent that I tolerated behavior that I never should have put up with and didn't stick to my boundaries. He was so intense in the beginning in his pursuit that I put him on that pedestal instead of seeing that his actions never matched his professions of love. After a year and a half, he too left without a word, call or text. Last thing he said is we'll talk soon. That was months ago! We had known each other 15 years ago and he reappeared so I guess I foolishly trusted his every word. In short, he played me well because I so much wanted it to be. Now I'm trying to move forward with my eyes wide open knowing that it's OK to stand up for myself at the cost of someone elses feelings because if I don't look out for myself, no one else will. I just don't know how people like this can sleep at night knowing they've caused such turmoil to someone else. Forget the fantasy, it's reality that counts! Thank you Jane for everything you do!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, AshleyA. Thank you! You're seeing the fantasy from the reality and that's precisely how things begin to change for you. "Now I'm trying to move forward with my eyes wide open knowing that it's OK to stand up for myself at the cost of someone else's feelings" - Yes, indeed! And what a concept for so many of us when we discover this; that we actually have a right to look out for ourselves in the first place. Don't stop now, Ashley. You're onto something here that's life-changing. 🙂
I've just started a relationship with a guy I've been talking to for about a month (met online and then face to face two weeks before we became official ) on the 9th. He's really not someone I'd probably have looked twice at had we met otherwise. My eyes are not blinded by fantasy for once. We're both about truth and reality, openness and honesty. Two days after we became official my mom and I asked him what he thought of bruising my mom had that was looking worse, not better. She wanted to wait over night, I was worried about something worse happening. He took one look and said you're going to the ER. Her blood was too thin, BP too high, sugar too high and potassium too low and she has a blood clot. My bf has had several heart attacks and just got over a mini stroke, they say he very well may have saved my mom's life by making her go in, plus he sat with my handicapped sister in the waiting room until 1:30 in the morning so I could stay with my mom in the back. He has not left my side since, helping me with my siblings for 4 days and then taking a 2 hour trip to drive my mom's car home while she rode in my car. He has already seen how much I'm depended upon by my family and he's all in. I've since started meeting his family and we're still moving forward, one day - one step at a time.
What a beautiful story, Louisa. Thank you for sharing. "My eyes are not blinded by fantasy for once" - Yes! "One step at a time" - the only way to go!
last Thu i ended it with my BF coz i had enough of his rude behaviour n i couldn't put up with his smoking anymore. i loved him for his romantic gestures but he was that guy who forgot things n left them at my house n he knew he he had to pick them up so there was a time i was with my friends n i was carrying his shoes the whole time n not to forget them n he said "babe please don't be annoyed at me" but inside me i was annoyed at him.
Last Week i played words with friends with my crush n i won on Fri n i rematched him n he declined n i thought that's so strange, my crush has 2 of my friends in common on FB n my heart says to add him coz of the common friends. i don't think my friends would talk to my crush.
i'm happy being single n i would like to have my crush back as a friend n reunite with him. when i saw him 2 years ago he wasn't BF material. but there was this other guy i met 4 years ago n he knows my friends n he remembered me when i was with my girlfriends at a community event. i would like to get to know my crush a bit beta but idk if he's single or taken since i left him alone all of last year
Should i add my crush back as a friend on FB & rematch him on Words With Friends game?
I wouldn't, Courtney. You've already made it clear to him that you're interested in more from him but he hasn't given you anything real back in return and he's still declining your requests to interact with him, even on the level of a game. Don't take this personally! You're clearing the slate now - be so proud of yourself for letting go of someone who has been treating you rudely! - and going backwards isn't going to get you where you want to be. Now is the time to think about what you really want in a relationship, how you want to be treated and what that looks like and feels like to you. When you create that level of clarity within yourself and focus on creating your own beautiful life apart from any guy, you'll make a place for someone who's going to be exactly that to show up in your life!
Ok, so I keep saying this but only cuz it's true! I don't know how u do it but once again, I totally relate up this as it's been the topic of conversation to my BF but mostly my exact thoughts that I've been keeping to myself. I can agree with what u say about how I've created this fantasy, this role of who I want my BF to be. But he's not wanting to be that for me. He doesn't view relationships the way I do. I don't even expect much is the thing. Just the simple, normal everyday relationship things that should come so natural, just be a given. Its never been an issue in past relationships. So why now? Why is everything so forced and difficult? I know I try to make him see what a good catch I am. I just wish he'd realize what I've known all along or what I thought I knew. Now I'm not sure of anything, let alone love. It's not even a feeling anymore. It's nothing. In fact this last week is a perfect example of how it shouldn't be. About communication and commitment which I get neither from him. He ignored me 4 out of the 7 days and then didn't even tell me what he had planned for Father's Day with his son. Instead he got mad for not being with his son then acted as if I was supposed to one what was going on. Then he made me feel awful that he was with me when he should've been elsewhere. I still don't knw what he did, I was ignored and excluded. You'd think that he'd want to be with his gf and his son on Father's Day! I had presents for him! So I told him I was gonna just walk away. That I couldn't do this anymore then ignored him for a few days. He txtd a few times but honestly doubt he really cared. Like an idiot I txtd him back after he made me feel bad for 'walking away' when he just got news of being evicted. How he doesn't know what he's gonna do. So I txtd him back which had no resolution and made it even more obvious he didn't care when he said he was gonna pick me up but let the fact that his friends showed up, be the reason he never came. It's like beating my head against a brick wall. I've totally created this mess and let it go on too long hoping it'd change. He doesn't see it. He thinks it's ok to ignore and exclude me from his life. He'd never admit to that but he doesn't have to. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. So why am I still holding on???
Why indeed.
It's because you're getting closer to the "why", Danielle. That's why these are all lining up - you're on the brink of something big! It doesn't matter what he thinks is ok, it only matters whether you think it's ok. You're the one with the power over you, not him, not anyone else. Find that, and you'll find oh so much more.
This message caused an AHA moment for me. I now see that I need to take accountability for my disappointment and heartbreak due to my feelings of chemistry and fantasies towards the man that I thought was the one for me. I put forth my best in every aspect to make him want me but he left without a word, text or call anyway. Didn't even respond to any of my calls or texts either. I felt like I wasn't attractive enough or didn't have the right material possessions to keep my chosen one. We had some fun dates together but he never went out of his way for me. It was me who wanted him due to these feelings from fantasies and thinking that feeling chemistry this intense means something special. Now, I'm alone and lonely and have stopped trying to date. I'm in my late 40's and come to the conclusion that I need to prepare for the latter stage of life alone. I'm tired emotionally, physically and mentally when it comes to trying to find a compatible partner. I've invested monies, effort and time in online dating that has led me to despise that concept now. I did it for 4 years off and on with only meeting two men that I wanted to date which didn't happen due to the fact I was not what they were looking for. I'm now working on making myself better. Setting goals and making plans for my life. The dating scene today is frustrating, competitive and there are too many games being played. Even by men my age and older. I never imagined that I would be alone in my latter years but that's the way it currently is. Thanks so much Jane for your message today. It resonated with me completely and brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you for being here, Annette. And for sharing your very real feelings. I do hear you. I'm so glad this message resonated with you. There's more. This isn't how it ends. It may feel frustrating and full of players, but there's more than that for you that just that. Put your time and energy into finding you, you're worth that! This setting goals and making plans for your life that you mention here - that's how you find who you really are and you find the ones who share what matters to you in the process. Don't let these other experiences take away from what's yours. Find your power, Annette. Find your strength. Find your you. This hasn't all been for naught. This is just the beginning of something more beautiful than you can ever imagine. I'm seeing it, I'm hearing it from so many so much older than you.
This goes hand in hand with my reflections of what I have actually felt back in those experiences. When people ask me if I've ever been in love, I find myself saying: I don't think so. It was a strong attachment but I see now there was not nothing more there. There was no love for me there and I was too busy trying to prove a guy I was worth choosing to realize that I didn't like these men at all if I thought really about them as people. They were not bad men, but they were certainly not people I would genuinely like and want to be close to. We really can be that blind.
Now I think it would take a miracle to find the kind of man I'm really looking for and to be honest, sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to live for this idea of love. I don't really know what it is anymore and I'm not sure my idea of it really exists. I don't know why I'm feeling really... Meh about it at this point. Maybe because I think there has to be more to life than a guy by my side. It feels a little odd now to be honest. I don't recognize myself much lately. I do believe it's wonderful that other people have beautiful relationships but I'm starting to question if it's for me. God only knows.
I thought about a dear friend of mine also who says she loves her ex-boyfriend but I really don't think she honestly does. She gave way more than she got and in the end, he ended up being quite an unstable and unhealthy person. Yet she refuses to get a bit angry and get out of that sad feeling she's going through. We definitely hold onto our fantasies more than we realize.
Yes the fantasies...how can they be so strong.. I finally ended about 2 weeks ago this kind of fantasy (I tried few times before, but started all over again our thing, because I wanted to hold on to the fantasy, even deep down in me I knew nothing is going to change..) I was dating a guy who was emotionally unavailable, gave a lot of mixed signals etc. still to this day he tries to keep me "hanging on", it makes me so angry, and I hate it that I feel angry towards him, towards to the "broken fantasy", I hate that I use my strength in this anger, he don't deserve it, and he don't need it because he has he's own issues as well to deal with, but it's so easy to blame the other one - why did he mess it up, even it's not true. In "paper" we would have been perfect match, of course ;)! In truth I know that he wasn't on the same page with me and he had many things in personality etc. that I actually even don't like. But still everyday I find myself caught up thinking about this fantasy, missing this guy, even I know I miss the fantasy, thinking about what if, and I know it's truly about the feeling and the possibility that I could have or I may have found someone special, the "search" would be over, it's so hard to let go of that hope/dream and start all over again. Thank god I found this site, has helped me a lot, no words even to describe how much!
Thank you all so much!!!
Don't hate yourself for what you're still feeling, Ariel. Fantasies can run so deep and trigger us in ways we're not even aware of! Turn that strength you feel in that anger into energy for you and your life, and don't let go of that hope or your dreams, just save them for someone who shares them with you. I'm so glad you've found your way here to this site; everything you're going through is well understood here!
Exactly, Angel. So much of our lives are lived through a lens that reflects our programming and not who we really are. Simply being aware of this is huge!
" we definitely hold on to our fantasies more than we realize" this is so true Angel and the sooner we let go of this the better, thankyou for this perspective.