It doesn't matter who he is.
It doesn't matter how much you made him into in your mind.
There's only one question that matters … are you going to let someone incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved do this to you?
This.
This waiting around.
This beating yourself up for what always takes two.
This holding on to a fantasy that he was never capable of living up to.
This hanging on to the "what ifs" that have nothing to do with what is.
This going through the motions kind of living where you stay stuck in the past, longing for what could have been if only you had been anyone else but you.
This.
Hasn't it been long enough?
He's either there, or he isn't.
He's either ready or he's not.
He either can or he can't.
None of this is personal.
None of this is about you.
Your worth doesn't change based on what some mere human thinks of you.
He's just a man.
He's just another human being. One person. It doesn't matter if there's more than one. They were all the same.
He's made his choice. Maybe by his words. Or maybe by his actions. But one way or another, whether he's there or not is telling.
Is he there?
I love gray. I live most of my life in the gray places, not in the places of black and white. I see what isn't there. I feel what can't be made so cut and dry.
But if there's one thing I've learned from a heart that's been broken too many times too count, it's that there comes a time when gray isn't enough.
When concrete questions need concrete answers.
When a heart like yours requires a heart like yours.
When a loving, caring, giving, spirit requires an equal, not a fix.
When the world needs you to shine even if you still don't believe you have the right to.
When that heart that can only find its match in you can't wait any longer for you to take your eyes off of this old story so you can see him, too.
I know you have your reasons. And your story. And the way it is you have to settle for.
Keep them, if you insist.
But just for a moment, imagine what it would be like if you left all those reasons, and your story, at the door. Imagine what it would feel like to throw off that weight you've been carrying around with you and give back every single untruth that you've ever allowed to be put on you.
What might you find underneath?
You.
Irresistible you.
Unstoppable you.
Scary?
Maybe just a little.
But you know what's even scarier? Living the way you've been living.
Putting all your hopes and dreams and worth on someone who hasn't a clue what they mean to you. Someone who runs as far away as they can as soon as they realize what they mean to you. Living like a shell of yourself in the process.
Make his answer into the one you deserve to have. The one that spells out a clear yes or no.
Don't give all your power away by waiting months, years, decades to finally hear it from him.
You know what that answer is right now. If you can't say it, you can feel it.
Come on out and shine, beautiful.
Step out of that story. Step out of that lie. No matter how deep down it's been buried, there's a part of you that knows the truth.
Irresistible is what you are.
Get out of bed. Get dressed. Get up and get going. It's going to be a beautiful day for the one who can finally see herself this way.
Now answer this one for you, not for me:
Why can't that be you?
What if all you get is men who approach you and flirt, but never take the time to actually get to know you or ask you out? I can't help, but have a complex. I really wanted something to happen with this last guy that I was interested in and that was over a year ago! I keep hoping that I will be contacted by him in the near future. This has happened to me over and over again, that I pretty much just want to either give up completely or take a major break from any type of dating! My self-esteem and self worth are very low when it comes to dating! I'm sick of being an ego boost to these men and would one day like to actually be chosen! I'm almost 38 years old and I feel like much hasn't changed in the dating world for me since high school. I also think that online dating has made everyone want instant gratification or that spark. If it's not there right away, people move on very quickly-not even giving anyone a "real life chance". I fear that time is running out for me to find a guy, get married and have a family. My life is definitely not what I thought it would be!
Hi Marie.
I can feel your pain and frustration reading your comment. I can only imagine how you feel.
However, I'd like to say a few things that may help you. I hope they do.
You don't need to be "chosen". When you are waiting for someone to choose you, you're putting yourself in the backseat of your life. You are not a passenger. You are the driver. You decide where to go. I completely understand that you want a partner. It's natural and I'd say all of us want and deserve one. However, you don't just want a partner and a family. You want the very best for you. These men who just flirt and don't act are just not it. See it for the reality it is. They're not right for you.
Another thing I encourage you to think or revisit in case you've already done it is to go inwards and be very honest with yourself about a couple of things: what is it exactly you're afraid of? What happens if your biggest fear comes true? There's another question that when I asked myself just blew me away and shook me when I dared ask it: in what ways am I allowing myself to be treated unfairly and why? What am I getting out of letting this scenario play over and over again in my life? How am I showing up that might be allowing this pattern to come to life through me? This is raw self reflection and it will also help you pinpoint what it is you're believing that is driving your actions and your choosing to be interested in men who aren't.
For me it has been quite eye opening. I realize that the reason I chose men who were not into me was because it was a lot easier for me to blame it on luck than actually taking a chance with men who were interested in me. Choosing a man who wanted me meant showing myself as I am and it terrified me. So much it froze me. By staying single, I was safe. All of this was subconscious and I couldn't believe it when I actually brought it to consciousness.
I don't know what it might be for you. That's personal and that's something only you know. But challenge the negative beliefs. Challenge the thought that you'll be alone. Challenge the thought that all men are the same. Find proof otherwise. It will take some time and a little struggle but if you make this a daily practice, you'll get out of the rut. Remember that as Jane tells us, we, WE are doing the choosing. Don't grant access to your life to just any guy who flirts. Focus on you and watch the ones who approach you. Only that way can you make sure you choose someone worthy of your amazingness. Keep going. Never give up. We're here for you. Big big hug.
Thank you Angel for answering my message. I don't know why this happens to be honest. I don't know if I ever really had a guy who was truly interested in me. I don't have any experiences of a man really prusuing me and if they were interested they weren't that interested because they would say things like "I'm not really looking for a relationship or I don't know if I will ever get married or have kids." I have had guys text me late at night or if I was out with friends at the end of the night, asking where I was going after the bar closed. None of which I ever gave into. A guy asking via text if I wanted to meet for dinner during the weekend, but sending this late on a Friday night, basically showing me that his plans probably fell through. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to change it! I don't feel like I've ever had any positive dating experiences!
Hi Marie.
I can completely relate. I had always had bad dating experiences till now.
I still urge you to look at how you are showing up. We tend to focus on what they do. We cannot control what others do, but we can control what we think and do.
There might be too much pressure on your side and this pressure is not serving you. If a guy shows you from the beginning he's not looking for what you are, you immediately need to act in accordance to what you want. That means you tell him you are really looking for a partner and therefore you two are not a match and you leave it at that. You don't need to explain yourself, nor answer any late night messages. You get rid of everyone who doesn't align with what's good for you. Get clear within yourself. Redirect your focus to you and your actions instead of them. Keep digging. All the answers are within you.
Have you considered working with Jane? She will help you get untangled.
Jane - It's been quite some time since I have written. I was glad to read your e-mail on "Becoming Irresistibly You ".... I somehow stopped dating for quite sometime now. I had been moving along - then it came to a halt. I was approached went out for tea with one man - and after a few minutes - NOT ON SAME PAGE - that was my last time I met with a man. It was over two months ago, maybe three. After reading your article. I thought , well maybe it's time to get myself out there. I mean, I am out there - everyday just living life - but NO ONE SPECIAL stepped into view. I just don't know what it takes any longer to truly meet someone. I detest bars - so that is out. I just feel going about doing the things everyday - if it's meant, I'll meet him. I can't make him appear. Well, thank you for not giving up on me since my very first message to you over a year ago about the gentleman "who didn't know whether it would be a good idea or not to go out." I'm way over him - That actually propelled me to new levels. Only - My heart has harden somewhat. It's okay. It make me make better judgement calls. Again, thank you for being here.
I'll never give up on you or anyone else, Denise. On the contrary, you have no idea how much you inspire me! 🙂
I recently divorced my emotionally abusive husband of 28 years. Soon after, I unexpectedly met a great guy who was not really my type. Although he wasn't particularly attractive, his personality won me over.
Things moved quickly with him actively pursuing me. He started to talk more and more about his ex-girlfriend of 4 years who was emotionally unavailable to him, but he clung to her anyway. He swore he was over her. After 8 weeks, he told me that he wasn't capable of feeling anything in his heart for me because his breakup was too recent. The time wasn't right even though he says I am everything he's looking for. He said he wants to be friends for now without an agenda, and to give it time. He said he still wants me in his life, but he can't make any promises. I was crushed and am struggling with a deep depression. I don't know how to stop thinking about him, wondering what I did to drive him away, and hoping for a text or call. It has been 4 weeks and I haven't heard from him. I sent him 1 happy birthday text 2 weeks ago, but he didn't reply. I don't even know if my feelings were really for him or for the connection we had. Did I make things too easy for him by sleeping with him too soon? Did I scare him away with some of my ex drama? (he's still in my life because of our son) Did I seem too clingy? I can't stop the tape running in my head, and it's killing me. I want to move on, but he's still there in the back of my mind. I can't figure out what went wrong or what I did to drive him away. Maybe I just wasn't exciting enough. Should I hope to ever get a chance with him again? I don't even know if he was telling me the truth or if he was just trying to let me down gently. I am stuck in this rut right now, and I know I shouldn't be, but my heart is breaking over this guy.
Please help me understand what happened.
Nothing happened. You didn't do anything wrong. He's just not looking for what you're looking for. Different people, different pages. I know it hurts and I feel your pain, but he's not good for you. Better to cut all ties so you can move on and don't give him the satisfaction of keeping you on the back burner. That's disrespectful to you. Feel your pain, look at it and embrace it. Don't fight it. Take time for yourself, to be get back on your feet and to strengthen your self love. That way you won't fall for this kind of man that easily. That also helps you get clearer on what you want so you don't settle for less and that way you can get out of the rut. No one is better or too good for you. You matter and there's nothing wrong with you. We're all here for you.
You couldn't have done anything to drive him away, Susanne. This is about him and something he wasn't over in his emotionally unavailable ex that he clearly wasn't over. It's time to stop running that old tape over and over in your head. Does it do anything for you except give you reason to beat yourself up for something that wasn't yours to carry? Give it back. Give it all back to him. All these feelings that you were too clingy, not exciting enough, or whatever other sentences you assign to yourself. You can't figure out what went wrong because nothing went wrong. He just wasn't there on the same page as you wanting the same thing you did with you. It's not personal - it never is! No matter how much it feels like it is, don't let this crush you, don't let it depress you; you're not any of this. This is his stuff to carry, not yours. Separate out what's his from what's yours and you'll find out just how light and beautiful and free you are - without the weight of what isn't yours on you.
Dear Jane,
thank you so much for all the amazing insight you offer. This article describes me in this very moment. I have been with a guy for one year and a half now and he has never truly invested anything in our relationship. I have been his sweet, nurturing convenience and during the last 6 months he has told me he wants to end our relationship 4 times. I took the responsibility for things I haven't done and for daring to ask for more than crumbs to save the relationship. Result: he stays but less crumbs for me. Now he's doing it again. He has told me he needs time to think (because I didn't behave: I discovered he lied to me again and I told him I don't know what's true and what's false anymore). I've answered I also need some time off to take care of myself. I want to close the relationship but what's the best way to do it? I mean to show him that something has changed in me and that I'm not just accepting his will or surrendering? Do I step back and wait for him to contact me and then tell him he is not worthy of what I have to offer? What if he just disappears? I let him go without a word? Or should I write a mail, ask to see him and tell him what I think? Maybe it's a silly question, since I just want to end it. But I would like to show him, for once at least, that in the short time off I've taken to take care of myself, I recovered my self-respect. Thank you.
Thank you for your beautiful words, Rob. I'm so glad you've found your way here. 🙂 Know that it doesn't matter how you choose to end it, only that it be right for you. Do what you can live with. Do what will leave you with the least amount of regrets. If your ending is more about pulling him back in than recovering your self-respect, your choice will be different. Be clear with yourself on what you're looking for, and then that clarity will come through to him. At the end of the day, you don't need to get your validation or self-respect or self-worth from him. It comes from you.
I sit here crying hysterically cuz of what u have written. I know it's the truth and I knw what needs to be done but I can't. Why can't I? It's gotten so bad between us that it's ruining who I am, whatever that is anymore. I dnt even knw. It hurts me so much cuz I can't believe this is my life. Never have I met anyone like my BF. He does nothing for me or with me and I dnt think he's capable of loving someone let alone know what love is. It makes me sick how clueless he is to it all. Yet here I am waiting for him to figure it out like a fool
You're no fool, Danielle. You're human. He's triggering something in you and it doesn't matter that you understand that perfectly, it only matters that you recognize that this is why you feel such a pull. It's not him; it's what he represents to you. It's what you're so afraid you'll be missing out on without him. And of course, it's scary to imagine that you might be left alone. Don't make yourself sick over anything about him, especially not how "clueless he is to it all." You're not here to change him; you're here to be your own beautiful self, to fill your own cup so full with everything that speaks love and life to you, so that what he does or doesn't do is no longer something that's worth so much to you. He's going to do what works for him; let him. And then go do the most loving thing you can do for you.
THANK YOU Jane! Thank you for cheering me on! I do read and re-read and re-read your messages first thing in the morning!! Each one inspires me to keep on keepin on! You are a gifted, positively inspiring mentor who BELIEVES in the power of ME by using "ME" in this sense is not just specific to me ... for all of us me(s). Have a sunshine day! Smiling always!!! ~ S (zmistsc) 🙂 🙂
Wow. I'm speechless (for a change!), S. Thank you for your beautiful words. This is exactly why I'm here and everything that I hope to be for you. You're absolutely right that I believe in you, and in every single one of you with enough belief to cover all those places you forget to believe in you. Wishing you all the sunshine you deserve - that we all forget we deserve! 🙂
I'm in a confusing situation, sadly my boyfriend ended it. I was emotion wreck, we had a lovely afternoon making plans then that eve he ended it. We have recently met up as I thought we needed to talk as we had just been exchanging text messages and it was becoming miss communicated. We had a lovely time but did not talk about the situation. We did admit we liked each other. Then it goes back to short friendly text. Im not sure I can just be friends as I have more feelings and he knows that. What do I do? I want us so much.
You're finding out what works for him, Julie, and what level of commitment he's looking for here. You can't change him, but what you can do is accept where he's at and what he's showing you by his behavior and then decide if this is working for you. You're always the one doing the choosing, but wanting someone who isn't on the same page as you who doesn't want the same thing you do is only setting you up for heartbreak. Don't do that to yourself!
I have been there , done that. I am not surprised that I still carry scars for a while until they fades away with time.
I notice that as I shine and am happy under my skins, people thought I am too independent, too bright, too something... and that intimidates them more.
I don't want to feel inferior but feeling confident is not a guarantee for a good catch either.
We have a surplus of bright women around. Can that be a reality check for us?
Do you have an answer?
I'm not an expert, but from what I read in your comment, it sounds like scarcity /competition mentality. No matter how many bright people are there in the world, we're all unique and there's someone out there that is looking for us specifically. You could put thousands of confident, awesome people in a room. It doesn't make any of them more or less than the other.
There are no guarantees of anything. You don't have to be anything. Your sole purpose in life is to make yourself happy as long as you live. A partner, while adding to your happiness won't give you anything you don't already have in and of yourself.
I am keeping myself grounded this way and it works for me. There's always going to be someone funnier, smarter, more outgoing, you name it but those concepts are subjective and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter.
Thank you for filling in for me, Angel. It all helps! 🙂
What makes for a "good catch" is the real you, Angela. It doesn't matter if you're "too independent, too bright, too something"; it only matters that you're yourself. For someone who's truly right for you, you don't have to be anything but who you are and you can never, ever be too much of something for the ones who have eyes to see you. Don't buy into anything resembling a competition or that's exactly what you'll find. The reality check is that there's no one just like you who offers what you do, who has everything to give just like you do. Don't look at them. Look at you.
Jane:
I have to thank you for your posts. I have come to depend on them when I need an answer when it comes to dating/relationship. I am in my 50's and very new to the dating scene so lots to learn as I navigate my life through dating and weeding out the guys I should avoid.
Recently I was in one of those situations of "should I text or not when I have not heard from him for a couple of days" I could see the change in pattern of the texting - very short and not even a good morning or good night.
Because of reading your posts, I decided to wait it out and see what he would do. It was very hard because I was so used to his frequent texting, and it was like an addiction. I had to re-focus life back to me again and not overthink/overanalyse the situation.
In all honesty, I knew what I had known all along already in my heart and if I had listen to my gut instinct.
He had lost interest, we are not on the same page and it was his way of ending the relationship. It was just a short lived one - 5 months.
I stood my ground and did not text nor call and finally he sent me an email 6 days later, apologizing for not replying to my text and that he felt bad for not giving me the attention that I needed. He was a very busy man, but in the beginning, he definitely pursued me and made time for me. So what has changed?
He wanted to keep in touch. I really don't want to keep touch. He will have to make the first move to call me if he truly wants to keep in touch because I have deleted his contact. This way, I will not feel the urge to text him. This is how I can move on.
I thanked him for the email, and told him that I was glad he ended it for me. I would have kept texting him and waiting around for him to come around.
That now I am free to date again and be available for the right man to come along.
He wasn't a bad guy, just not the right guy for me. Plus there were other issues he had that I could not live with in the long run.
I am not settling for crumbs. I deserve more.
I am a wonderful lady and I will keep working to improve this irresistible, wonderful me and keep living my beautiful life.
Thanks again
So glad to be your resource, NanaP. Thank you. It sounds like you've figured out what works best for you to move on. Knowing what you can live with - and what you can't - is the difference between moving on and fooling yourself into believing you can do what you know in your heart you can't. You absolutely deserve more!
This article seems perfect for me today. Over the last year I waited for someone to make up their mind. I waited months to spend a few hours with him and then he would always "disappear" after seeing each other. A couple months ago it was clear it wasn't ever going to happen. A few weeks after that I meet someone. Who was everything the last guy wasn't. He opened car doors, he held my hand, I hung out with him and his friends and also visited him at work. This was all in a matter of two weeks. Now two weeks later, the texts are less. I haven't spoken to him on the phone in almost two weeks. Granted I was out of town for 5 days and he has been very busy but would text me to see how my day was. The thing that is getting me now is that he hasn't made any plans to see me, even though I had hinted I would like to see him. Am I jumping the gun because of the last guy I dated or should I just try to move on because if he was interested he would want to see me right?
Never ever go against your gut. You know better because you've played this game before.
First of all, give yourself some time between guys to get your mind right. What you'll end up doing is thinking you're getting someone who is the opposite of the last guy, when he turns out to be the SAME EXACT GUY just in a slightly different package. I've done this SOOOO many times and so have lots of my girlfriends. A month is no where near long enough to figure out who someone is. A jerk's most clever disguise is pretending to be a nice guy who gives a hoot about you.
Second of all, DON'T EVER EVER EVER EVERRRR wait for someone to make up their mind about you. You are nobody's second choice. I mean really. If someone has to decide if you're good enough to be with, you should know they're not good enough for you honey. If that person thinks of you like that in the beginning, it's a recipe for an unhappy relationship. They are going to always feel like they settled for you and you're always going to be insecure thinking they could drop you, because you know what, they can! You're one of a kind, a queen, valuable, and irreplaceable. Act like it. If a man is into you, he will do everything to keep your attention. He won't disappear for a long period of time. And YES. He will try to see you face to face.
If he does not, so what. Go on about your life. By all means my beautiful friend don't wait. I wasted the last year of my life on a man who cared nothing about me, who used and abused me and played me. And you know what, at some point I was so down and hurt, I let him. I'm normally the strong, loud, bold one but I felt weak, helpless and alone. I mean I went down badly. I was in a very dark place. I lost myself trying to win the approval of a man who did not deserve me or my time or what I had to offer. He was NEVER on my level. I finally picked myself up and realized that I really could do better.
Now, I question nothing. I date guys and when they are not to my liking, I move on and continue to live my life. I will never ever allow myself to wait until a guy decides if he likes me. He either does or he does not. It's either in or out. You either want to see me, or I'm going out to find a man who does. Simple as that. While you're waiting, he's probably in the arms of another woman not caring or thinking about you. Why would you give this kind of cruel person your time, energy or power.
Remember this: You're ALWAYS in control. You ALWAYS hold all of the cards in your hand. They can do what they want, but so can you. And sometimes these stupid fools do you a favor when they leave you long enough to think about how inadequate they are for you. If the situation is not making you happy, let it go! It's so much easier said than done, but if you're not happy with either of these guys, what's the point?
Find your passion in life, your purpose for waking up every day. Don't let it depend on another person and if they are there or not. Take that time you've been waiting around on both of these obvious losers and use it to focus on people who really love and care about you, those who really want to be with you, and for you to work on loving you. Wake up and be thankful for the moments you have on this earth and use them to make real change. Once you start doing this, the universe will reward you with a man, an equal partner who won't make you wait because he knows if he does, he'll be a distant memory. OK? Good luck dear.
Wise Chick, you are amazing! Thank you so much for your reply. When I wrote this I was in a bad place, reliving all my hurtful relationships and thinking this guy was the same just because I didn't hear from him one day. One day and I was going crazy! Literally a couple hours after I posted this, he text me asking to meet him and his friends out that night. I knew he has been extremely busy with work and other things but with the last guy he told me so many lies that it's hard for me to trust someone so easily. I know exactly how you felt about the guy who did you wrong. You basically described how it was with me and the last guy. I had no idea who I was anymore.
Things went great that night and he makes it quite clear he is interested. His friend even made a comment that night about how busy he has been and needs to slow down. He text me yesterday but I was so busy with work and when I went home I fell asleep. I woke up to see that he had tried to call me and now we have plans for tomorrow night.
I never bounce from one guy to the next. It's not in my nature. I met him while out with friends and wasn't even looking for anything.
You sound like one of my best friends 🙂 but they have all said to relax and go with the flow. I realized how impatient I was being and that made me think I was going to scare him off. I have to let my past go and not think every guy is the same, and enjoy each day.
Thank you Wise Chick!
Neither, Kristi. Focus on you and filling your own cup so full with your own beautiful life, so that what he does or doesn't do isn't at the forefront of everything you do. Time will always tell and taking it slow and really taking your time to get to know someone better is the best way I know to find that out. Don't let who someone else was or wasn't dictate who this new someone is or isn't going to be to you. You'll know soon enough.
Really good timing, Jane - THANK YOU! I recently broke up with my boyfriend after almost 4 years of dating, now having a multitude of mixed feelings.
But, his words that he could go on like this for another 3 years, avoiding, doing nothing for us to start really living together ... turns on the red light.
Loving, caring, giving, spirit requires an equal, not a fix. And this would be our second fix (I also broke up with him after the first year of our relationship and he "won" me back then). Nothing much was fixed, he stayed the same, blocked by his own fears. I wanted us to progress, but have given up drained and exhausted, realizing that he wants to keep thing she same, ignoring the fact that it was getting worse and worse. Now, I am changing, facing my own fears. We gave the best of what we could give each other, and fixing it further would only be a torture for both.
Knowing that I am not the only one, gives me strenght, but realizing that most of us here are women does make me wonder ... surely, the problem is not only within parthers we chose to be or stick with.
Find the answer within yourself, find the courage within your self - for you actually to chage, you really have to want this yourself - no one can make you chnge unless you want to! And, if you are not changing, it simply means that you do not want to change! Give the same right to your partner - and accept if he is not using it the same way as you do.
Beautifully said, Sly; thank you! And it sounds like you're finding out what you need to do for you.
I've been in a long distant relationship for over 2.5 yrs. We see each other once a month maybe for 2 weeks at a time. He rarely calls me or texts me until he is ready to see me. Mostly we see each other 3 days out of the month.
He has a lot of women in his life and is still on match.com. I keep asking him where this relationship is going and I always get , let's see where it goes. He has told me he loves me, but obviously not enough to let all these other woman go.
He does not have a place of his own any longer, that was a year ago, and lives around with the women he has gathered around him. He travels a lot around the world with other woman's money. He won't be my friend on Facebook because he does not want the other women in his life to know about me.
I know I should leave him but can't. This is not how I want to live any longer. I just need to fun be the strength to walk away.
When you are ready for more, MJ, when you have finally had enough of what you are getting from this man that you can see that you deserve so much more than this, you will find a strength within you that you have never known before. And that's the same moment when you will become truly free.
Jane, the timing of your article is just perfect !! When I read it, I felt as if your hand was grasping my hand to prevent me from sending him a facebook message which would have been the biggest mistake of my life.
I have met this man 2 years ago. He has a girlfriend, but he said that he was ready to have 2 women in his life in the same time, especially that we don’t live in the same country. He used to say that our “relationship” is so special that he didn’t want to miss it and that his relationship with his first girlfriend was an open one, allowing him to meet other women.
But since I met him, the same “roller coaster” cycle repeated itself many times because his commitment to me was always with ups and downs : sometimes treating me like his girlfriend, sometimes like a friend, not making any effort to organize our encounters in foreign cities, leaving me to do the chasing alone etc… I was always the one who broke up when I felt that he was not giving me what I wanted. But he always contacted me again under the pretext of friendship. I was weak enough to accept, hoping that things would be again like the first time, but I ended up with the same cycle, doing the chasing, not having the commitment that I wanted, not hearing the words that I wanted to hear….
Our last break up was 8 months ago, after he said something that I didn’t like which showed, once again, his “unwillingness” to push our relationship further. After 8 months of silence, he came back 2 months ago for what I thought was a kind of romanced “come back”. But he ended up saying that he contacted me only because he just wanted us to remain friends, but insinuated that we might be friends with benefits. He didn’t mention anything about the reasons (the other woman etc….) In saying so, he didn’t’ mention one love word, he ignored everything that happened between us and treated me all through the conversation as if I was good friend from whom he was hearing after a long absence. I felt so insulted by his behavior. I was expecting him to say (at least) that he has missed me, after 8 months. I was expecting that he mentions something about “us” even for the sake of the memories. When he finished talking I told him that I wanted not only a person who is ok with seeing me from time to time, but a man who would do anything to keep me in his life. Then his hard, cold and cruel answer came : “I am ok with seeing you. I care a lot about our friendship.” I said: “Thank you for your answer, but obviously you are still incapable of being up to what our “story” deserves. Goodbye and thank you.” Then I sent him away and refused to talk later.
I felt he was upset and surprised by my answer, but because of his hurt ego, he said “ Ok, I won’t insist.”
After this, he stopped contacting me and started sending me indirect messages through his facebook posts that mainly meant the following : that dialogue is the best way to solve conflicts, that people who believe they are the only ones to be right are narrow minded, that people need to understand and listen to each others before taking harsh decisions, etc…...I knew that all these insinuations are meant for me, but I felt so hurt to realize that he doesn’t have the courage to contact me and say all this to me, directly. If he really had something different to say this time, if he really wanted to resume the dialogue to tell me that he has changed his mind and that he loves me ...why doesn’t he contact me directly ? Today, I was contemplating the possibility of sending him a message, in reply to his “posts”, to defend myself by saying that I am not the one who is refusing dialogue, that he is the one who has ruined our romance by wishing to turn it into a friendship etc…
Then, this is when you article arrived to my Inbox and made me stop for a moment : yes…..”no more grey areas. Either he is here, either he in not. Either he is ready, either he is not.” And if he has changed his mind, he should let me know this, he should contact me, he should send a message to me, exclusively. This is what I deserve.
Why would I answer those ambiguous posts which are not directly addressed to me? Why would I settle for such a coward way of communicating (posting insinuations on facebook) instead of real and honest conversations between us? Why would I fall into this trap : trying to make me feel guilty for having stopped the communication between us, while he knows very well that his behavior is the real and main reason why I did all this ? Why would I accept this unloving attitude which consists of putting all the blame on me, while he is the one who should question himself and blame himself for ruining his chances to win me over? Why would I believe that it is simply all about “dialogue” while I know very well that he knows exactly what it takes to win me back? He is a grown-up man, he knows, he should know. I can’t be the one showing him the way. He should know those stupid insinuations are not enough.
Do you agree with me Jane? Am I missing something in not answering his “indirect” messages? I need your advice, your words. With all my love. T.
Do the most loving thing you can do for you, Tasha, regardless of what he thinks, or does, or says. This is him being himself. This is you being yourself. What matters is whether these two people can live with who each other is.
hi i have being in relationship for 5 year but my relation didn't last because of cheating ,and know it hard for me to fall in love again after everything that have done to me in afraid to be in love again ,i keep asking myself what if what has happened in the past happened again .when ever i get in relation it doesn't last long
Come out of the past, Belinda. It doesn't have to repeat itself. It doesn't last long unless both people are on the same page, want the same thing, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Look for that. And take it slow enough to make sure you know he's worth your you.
For two years I was obsessed with a man. He did not return my feelings but gave me just enough that I could not let go. He was also very fond of using the term 'grey area' and that our relationship was not black and white. This should have been a big red flag for me and I ignored my gut feeling. Eventually he told me a lady had come into his life that he had fallen in love with and that would be the end of whatever he and I had as her requirements were that he see no one else. He went from a man that would not commit to me, to a man that committed with no problem to a different woman. This of course devastated me but in time I met another man and this man leaves me no doubt of his feelings for me, he treats with me with utmost respect, caring and we thoroughly enjoy our time together with total honesty, laughter and no guessing games. The difference between the two relationships is phenomenal and it is absolutely not worth being with someone that leaves you in doubt, confuses you and stops you from being your real self when that precious time could have been spent with a worthwhile person. I still think of the first man...unfortunately so, I wish I wouldn't...however the second relationship has evolved me from devastation and poor self esteem to feeling really good about myself. I am not a young woman, I am in my sixties however I am extremely active with my career, I look good for my age and I have a very full life but I do regret that I could not validate myself as an attractive, special woman without the help of a man telling me so. Cudos to the women that can stand alone.
Having said that...its just lovely to have a man around for part of the time too ..lol
Don't regret that part, Carol. When we've been so programmed like we have to seek outside validation from outside of ourselves - and especially from a man, shifting that kind of conditioning to within ourselves takes time, and practice, and so much more. I don't believe any of us are ever meant to be alone, no matter how strong we may become to stand alone, but to be with someone who shares our loving, caring, giving, kinds of hearts.
This is my situation...I want to stop thinking about the first one also...the second one is all I have ever asked for in a man!!!
thank you Jane truth hurts sometimes but you are so right. I feel I have courage to change, so that I would know longer wait and those grey places. I have left a relationship that was neither black nor white and deep down inside I knew the truth it was not enough so with the grace of God I chose not to settle but to walk away with grace and dignity. I was not a victim but a volunteer to step out into that unhappy place into more power, happiness and peace of mind , I was afraid to take a leap of faith but its not so scary after all. your story today confirms I did the right thing thank you so much
If you can sleep at night, if you can find a peace within yourself that says you did the most loving thing you can do for you, Linda, then you can know you did the right thing. We're human. We feel. We look back at what still might be. We take two steps forward. And one step back. And we play it all again in our minds over and over again. And then one day, we see it for what it was. Really see it. But until then, accept where you are. Accept that pull for what it was and the reasons why it pulls you like it does. And then hold your head up high and look at the only person whose happiness we are ever responsible for; you. Where do you want to be? Where do you want to go from here? Back to someone's arms who can't hold you the way you deserve to be held? For what, and why? Walk through, even if it's sideways or even backwards walking sometimes. It's only in the walking through we get to the other side of it all.
Jane that was a mouth full!!! BRAVO!!!
It was, RealDavis! Even for me. 🙂
I so want to move on. But I still love him. But have to accept the fact he has moved on and could care less about me. It hurts though when he was your best friend for years. He was the one you shared everything with. He was the one who said he loved me and wanted to be with me. It is like he has a spell over me.
You're the only one who can break that spell, Confused. And I know how strong it can be! Find your peace in that acceptance of what is, not what you still believe it can be. There will be someone else worth having that hope with, but someone real, someone where the friendship can't end because neither of you want it to. You can't be the only one in a relationship meant for two.
So here is my situation, I really like this guy but he does not seem to want any kind or serious relationship with me. But still he wont leave me alone! Whenever we argue we got weeks witgout talking to one another. But he always ends up one of the first person to contact me and never apologises knowing that he done me wrong. I just want him to leave me alone for good! But at the same time i feel lost without him! I really need to move on with my life maybe find someone that is willing to have the type of relationship that i want.
That's exactly how you'll find him - and how he'll find you, MissConfused. When you're no longer distracted by someone who can't give you what you desire, yet gives you just enough so that you can still feel "lost without him".
Girl run!
That can be confusing. Him telling you he does not want a relationship but he wants to keep you around. Sometimes we read into this as confusion and oh some day he'll realize how great I am, but these guys are so clear about what they want and don't want. So believe him when he says he does not want a relationship and just move on before you get in too deep.
He's a jerk who wants to keep you around while he shops around. He likes what ever he is getting from you, so he wants to keep that yet give you nothing. As soon as you start acting hurt, which you are, if you see him out with another woman or giving someone else what you want from him, he can always use that "I told you I didn't want a relationship from you" against you. Which he is right, he told you and you are choosing to stick around.
Let me help you out. Don't! These situations NEVER turn out in your favor. If he goes more than a few days without trying to talk to you , check on you, see how you are, he really does not care about you at all. If you went missing, he'd be the last to know. So the next time he disappears, when he comes back, give him the same treatment and don't EVER answer the phone again. I did that to a fool I was dating who was stringing me along for months. I was sooo in love with him. Then I got tired. I mean TIRED. We went from seeing each other every day to not talking for days, then a week, then almost two weeks. So then I decided once he tried to come back after going MIA frequently, I'd take a little more free time for myself and I totally ignored him. He went bonkers. Now I give him the icy shoulder and you know what, I don't even want him anymore. lol. You'll realize how unworthy he is once you give yourself some breathing room.
So, RUN!
NOW!!!
Thanks so much for jumping in here, Wise Chick. It's been one busy week. 🙂
I have been for 8 months in contact with a guy. Only via Facebook. We have met there as we have realized we have much in common and started writting messages to each other. I was cool at the beginning. And he seemed very much interested. We have connected. There were even emotional connections, as my grandmother passed away one month after we started our exchange of messages and his few months afterwards.
Due to certain objective obstacles I couldn't see him when he suggested that we go out together for the first time. And then he got all busy with his projects, but we kept the communication between us. And months passed. With him occasionaly mentioning that we wil meet soon, but then wouldn't suggest the exact meeting to take place. Except in several cases. About 6 times he asked me. Mostly at the beginning. But always in a bad time, since I couldn't make it. We started writting less messages with time (in the beginning I felt we were in constant contact, every day, through out the day, deppending when we could write answers to each other). But he kept mentioning how we wil meet. And he did ask me again to go to the movies recently. But he asked me that morning to meet him in the afternoon, and I couldn't as I have had some work obligations. We had a small fight afterwards. As he seemed frustrated that I have turned him down, again, and me explaining that chances are big when he calls me in such a way. Anyway, I feel more and more that the energy between us changed. And it was wonderful in the beginning. Now, I just don't know. And I kind of wish to quit. I even told him that few weeks ago, but he told me that he doesn't see the problem. So, I let it go. We continued exchanging rare messages. Lastly I have made a comment on his Facebook status, and further explained it in a message. And when he replied in one sentence I felt no desire to continue. So I didn't. And now I have promised myself that I will not contact him again and that it will be the end. But deep down, I am hoping that he will contact me. Because I really do like him. It's just that I don't see that we are going anywhere...
Do what you need to do for you, Sandra. More than anyone else, this is about what you can live with and what you can't. He's going to do what works for him, we have to remember to do the same.