The rain was falling as I walked home from the bookstore the other day, a light gentle April rain that brought me back to another place and time. A time when yet another man who seemed to have so much potential hadn't been quite able to live up to that potential that only I had been able to see.
It was a time when running – and especially running in the rain, so out of character from who I used to be - became my therapy.
With each step, the pain lessened just a little bit more. I was doing something that I had never known I could do before. And with the support and encouragement of a new found friend, the hurt and the pain and the regrets of "if only", began to slowly lessen.
But there was something more.
I wanted him to be wrong. I wanted him to pay. I wanted him to suffer the way I felt he had made me suffer. I wanted her to suffer too; the woman he insisted was never more than a friend, the same woman who had called herself my friend, who thought nothing of finding every opportunity she could to flirt with him.
I wanted them both to pay.
My new friend found a new name for him; she called him the ManDog, and whenever I would find myself wistfully going back over what could have been, - what should have been - we would refer to him as the awful ManDog and I would feel so much better.
Or so I thought.
But I didn't.
After we had smiled at our inside joke, after we had made him so wrong and come up with all the miserable reasons he would never find or deserve anyone like me ever again, I would be left with only emptiness.
And sadness. And loneliness.
And the awful feeling that it had happened all over again. And there was only me.
It always came back to me. I could only squelch my own pain as long as I was blaming him - blaming her – and making them responsible for what I could only see as my loss.
But once I stopped making them so wrong, I was left once again with only myself. And that was still such a scary place to be. So much easier it was to blame yet another man and accept my own fate as only unlucky and a victim of yet another man who I was too good for.
It would have made for a great story if it wasn't breaking my own heart in the process.
It's why I do understand your reasons when you push aside my words that we all do the best we can with what we know at the time – including him.
It's why I so hear you when you want to blame her – and make her pay for taking him away from you.
It's why I get it when you insist on labeling him any way that makes you feel better. And why you can't allow him to be human.
He has to be bad.
And not just bad, but so much worse than any "normal" human being. And if not him, at least her. Because after all, we can always come up with a reason why if it wasn't for her, there would still be a you and him.
But there's just one question I have to ask - Does it serve you?
Does holding on to the anger and resentment about what someone could do to you, that they actually did do this to you, does it help you?
Does it help you move on?
Does it help you to rise above what someone else chose to do?
Or could you, somewhere deep within, find it within yourself to consider for just a moment that placing blame, labeling, judging someone like this might actually be hurting yourself more than it's having any desired effect on him? Or her?
I know it seems like such a stretch from that place you've found yourself in right now, with so much hurt and pain and bitterness and resentment about what's happened. I know it's the last thing you probably want to hear from me.
But if you can't honestly answer this question without there being just a little bit of doubt that there might be something to what I'm saying here, consider this.
We can't change anyone but ourselves, so blaming someone for what's happened to you, blaming them for what they could possibly do to you only keeps you staying stuck, holding on to the very thing that releasing would grant you your freedom.
As long as you can say he did this to me, as long as you can blame her for doing what she did to both of you, you keep giving all your power to them and reinforcing your own victim role.
But that's never what you are!
You may not have been able to predict this, but now that you know so much more, you don't have to live that way anymore. You can refuse to play small anymore, refuse to be the victim, and choose instead to embrace your own beautiful power and strength and recognize all that you now can do.
What if instead you could be that person who is so strong in yourself that no one can do anything to you unless you allow them to?
What if instead you could be that person who can look at the hurting little girl or boy inside them that we can all relate to if we'll let ourselves go there, and have compassion for them?
What if you could do the same for you?
No, it doesn't absolve them of what they've done, but that's not your role to play. It's for you to free yourself knowing that you choose what you feel, that you choose what you do with what someone else does or doesn't' do, that you refuse to be a victim of someone who hasn't yet come as far as you have and learned the things you have.
This isn't about him or her or them, it's about you.
You're the one who's free now. But only if you allow yourself to be.
It is just so hard to move on when you are consumed by thoughts of him. And then the fact he is out there having a good time with her, living large. Why isn't he having to pay the consequences for what he did to me. Why I am I the one suffering when I did nothing to hurt him.
Hi Denise.
I know how you feel. It feels unfair and awful. I do know that. But it's time to reframe. Look at it this way: he was a messenger. He just was in your life for you to see something. I don't know what that something is. If I think about my experiences, I understand now that these men were just showing me how much I abandon myself. How much I dream before I see tangible evidence of it being safe. They just showed me that I was projecting my dreams and ideas onto a mere human being who just wasn't capable of living up to them. It hurts a lot, but when you take the time to reflect and see yourself as the person responsible for your own self and experiences, you see beyond that anger and you see where you need to course correct. Don't stay in an angry place, feel it, but don't stay there too long. Now, remember that whatever you did that you need to adjust is not wrong, so don't go the other way, the beating yourself up way. Getting over these sad experiences is a matter of us pushing back and not allowing ourselves to stay sad, angry or feeling like we're not good enough. It's a daily practice and it's a process. The truth is he wasn't the one for you, and whatever he did is his thing, his business. Not yours. Keep moving forward and open to finding that someone that is right for you.
Sending you a big hug.
Thank you for your words for Denise, Angel. I know you understand.
Look at where he is, Denise. Only in your thoughts and in your own mind. You can't make someone "pay", and you really don't want to. I know it feels like he did something to you that your conditioned mind says he "should" have to pay for, but is this serving you? Is it affecting him at all? Or is it only hurting you? If you can rise above these thoughts for a moment and see this not as you being replaced by someone else, but as a reality check that what you thought was the case - both of you on the same page - simply wasn't. And instead, you are now free to be with someone who wants you, who is capable of giving you what you so deserve. Don't let what feels like "rejection" affect you like this. You only want someone who wants to be with you. Not someone you have to convince of your worth.
Exactly! Why call him a dog and call her no matter what words you find. They have not done anything to you. They just made their choice for themselves. Good for them! Now, guess what? They got each other and they will have to live with that consequence. You do not need to call them names. Who cares what name you pick for them? They are who they are. And you do not need to punish them. If they made the wrong choice, they already punished themselves. But if their choice was good, then be nice, wish them luck and now turn around 180 degrees and walk away from the whole situation and try to take care of yourself. See more people, meet more men, go travel, or go do something else you like. Something will eventually work out for you. Do not just stay at the same place holding on to the ghost of the past,being bitter about whatever has already happened to you. Life is too short for that.
So true, Nina. This is the part that takes the longest to come to for ourselves.
Hi Jane,
It is the strangest thing, when I start feeling down again and start beating myself up over him and his new woman, I stumble across your email and it's like you are there for me. I want to say thank you Jane for knowing what we are feeling all the time. I really need to keep telling myself that I am the only one to blame for feeling this way, not anyone else and only I can make a difference. It is such an annoyance though. I have done a lot over the last few months to make myself feel better but those feelings always seem to come up or someone comments on him that make it that much harder. It is just so frustrating. I am really trying to cry but I just can't seem to let it all out. I want to so bad because that will be the final step.
I'm glad to be here for you, Deb. We're not meant to go through these times alone. Try to change your self-talk from you being the only one to "blame", to you're the only one who gets to change this, to make that difference. And then find those things that help you to find the feeling, the deeper meaning, that creates these shifts. There's something beautiful there deep down inside you that knows all this, that senses there being so much more to life than this. It's because there is. Start by giving back what isn't yours to take on, that was put on you without you even realizing that was happening, and see if you can find that lighter you, that more inspired you, that more hopeful you. You deserve nothing less than to be loved, Deb, by someone capable of loving you.
Yes we all can absolutely relate to your pain and the need for revenge which seems to emerge so naturally. I spent 14 months loving a man who promised me everything. We live in two different cities and we both have excruciatingly work schedules. Nevertheless, I had nagging doubts about everything along the way and I tried to pull away no less than 5 times; but he always pulled me back in. Two months ago, when I couldn't stand the nagging doubts anymore, I did a complete search of his background and discovered that not only is he very married, but he has a very troubling background and psychopathy. I cried and grieved and prayed hard. I could only confide in two very dear friends who are incredibly supportive.
I applied some of Jane's teaching and some of my own lessons from scripture. I broke off the relationship right away. I refused to discuss what I had discovered with him but I forgave him right away because I need my relationship to be right with the Lord. We texted a few times and I chose to be kind and gentle because I'm not about to allow him to control me by changing my nature; I like who I am and who God created me to be. I believe he is worried about what I have uncovered but I assured him that his life decisions is between him and God. He has apologized profusely and begged for forgiveness and I have accepted. While thoughts of revenge did plague me for a while, I remembered that the Bible tells us that vengeance belongs to the Lord. I struggled for a while but eventually let it go and I can't describe how liberated I felt.
As women we hurt deeply when these things happen to us. We did nothing to deserve it but we must learn how to let it go. It is hard as hell, but I beg you to go into your prayer closet, get onto your knees and give the pain to the Lord and he will help you heal. Hold on to websites such as Jane's because we need to learn from each other, especially since we all have different gifts and talents. It is through sharing and fellowship with others that we gain strength in moving forward in a healthy way.
Jane you are truly blessed for such a time such as this. I wonder if you realize that this is your Ministry and your program may very well save lives everyday. I know that I learn something new every time I read your column. I do plan to purchase your materials but it will take me a little while as I just returned to work after a 3 month unemployment status.
A million thanks to you Jane. I will be forever grateful that I found you.
Hi Hazel, thanks so much for your comments.
After leaving a 3 year relationship (just a few weeks ago) I feel sooooo angry.
This morning I wanted to extract vengeance. I could do this to him.....I could do that.....but after reading your comments I have got my answer. Revenge would only hurt ME.
I am starting to see things a bit clearer.....I am so grateful to Jane and all of you for this website. It has given me a new insight to my mind and its workings. My emotions and feelings and how I react too.
I have a God of my own understanding. This God is one of Love, and Goodness and He doesn't want any of us to live in pain......but He doesn't want us to put our pain on others either.
Life isn't easy for us emotional and loving people who give more than they receive so its sites like this that can help us to come to our own conclusion about what is best for the way we choose to live our lives.
I am so fragile just now too but prayer and hope has become such a part of my everyday living just now and I am sure that this is why I am coping better THIS TIME. (My ex and I have split up more that once over the last 3 years and everytime I fall apart).......
I am told I am strong, courageous, beautiful and giving - but I need to have this inner belief myself. So I am working on this. Work in progress ........
Love always,
Wilma
Thank you for sharing, Hazel, and for your beautiful words. I'm so glad you found your way here.
Dear Angel and Jane,
Thank you Angel, your reply is very helpful to us to see clearer. I agree with you that men do not communicate in codes like us and it is so good to hear you saying this and analyzing the situation. I think that, through my personal experience, I learnt that when men communicate in codes, it is for manipulation purposes. I don't know if you and Jane agree on this. And now, please tell me one thing : this professional profile used to mean a lot to my friend Carla (and to the man), as, in the beginning of their relationship, she tried to promote the professional activity of this man in her own city through his facebook page. In doing this, she was very much involved and dedicated because she was doing this with love and sincerity. But when things went wrong between them, and they broke up, she un-liked the said page. Now she is trying to convince me and to convince herself that, considering the importance of this page and what it used to mean for both of them, he was trying, through sending this invitation, to tell her “Let’s have a new start”. Is it a fantasy? Because, in the same time, his last words in their last conversation were : “friendship” and nothing more. My opinion is that he is rather trying to manipulate her into getting in touch with him again, without doing the slightest effort from his part, knowing that her weak point is her “past dedication” to his professional activity and facebook page. Because his actions are not following his words, as you said. What do you think, Angel? Do you still stick to your first analysis ? And Jane, please, give me your advice. Love. Julia
Hi Julia.
I'm glad I could help some.
Let's take this back to her. It doesn't matter why he's doing what he's doing. Getting caught up in trying to figure out what something means is just no way to live.
The most important question she can ask herself is what does she want? Is this working for her? Even if he wanted to reach out as friends, does it change the fact that he won't give her what she wants?
She's placing her attention on him and he's not her boyfriend.
It always comes back to you, what you want and if whatever it is that's happening is working for you or not. This isn't about him.
If she for whatever reason really needs to know what it means, she can just go right ahead and ask him upfront. If that'll make her feel better, that's the thing to do.
If we want to know what someone means by something, we ask the person. No one else.
We can go on and on with theories but in the end, we're not him. We won't know.
She can just take her power back and decide for herself what she wants and stick to that. When we're clear, we need to act consistent with our true desires even if it means leaving someone behind.
Dear Angel,
Thank you for your support, your empathy and your understanding. Love. Julia
Dear Jane,
I have posted this comment under your article "Why do you attract emotionally unavailable men", but I am re-posting here if it easier for you to see it and reply to it.
What about this story of a friend of mine, let’s call her Carla. After a breakup she had a conversation with a man who made it clear to her that he wanted only to remain friends, but he left a small ambiguity whether or not he still wanted to see/date her. As for her, she told him clearly that friendship was not enough for her. And now, one month later, all he managed to do, is sending her an invitation to re-like his professional page on facebook (the same page that she previously unliked right after the break-up). Now she is nervous , confused and is wondering whether she should answer this invitation. In one hand, she was expecting something more direct from him and not just this “friendly” gesture. She was expecting him to contact her to tell her that he has changed his mind. She is off course disappointed and doesn't know how to interpret his gesture. Also, by not answering his invitation, she doesn’t want him to think that she is rejecting him and not giving a chance for dialogue in case he wanted to tell her something important about their relationship.
In the same time, she is afraid that, by answering this invitation, she will be disappointed again and discover that the purpose of the invitation was only to make a simple friendship gesture and to go on in the "friendship" state of mind. She doesn’t want to have her heart broken twice.
Jane, what do you advise her to do? Honestly, Jane, I think this man is supposed to know exactly what it takes to give her what she wants. And he is supposed to know, that, considering what she said about wanting a full relationship, this “invitation” is not enough to prove that he has changed his mind and that he wanted to contact her again on different basis. But what if he is using this way to sincerely contact her again ? Maybe he is a shy person and doesn't know how to initiate the contact again to tell her that he has changed his mind ? How can she know ? Please can you advise me and her? Thank you Jane, for being here for us, always and for your patience. Love. Julia
Hi, Julia.
I know you are asking Jane specifically, but I see myself in your questions as I was and I would like to weigh in in case it helps.
He hasn't shown anything and that invitation doesn't mean anything.
Men don't communicate in code like we do. They do what they want. He just wants likes on his professional profile. That's all.
Don't dissect that as meaning anything. And believe me, no matter how shy a man is, if he's interested he'll say it and back it up with actions.
The reason men send mixed signals is because they have it good: she's a good girl who's available to him. So he'll keep her as an option. Don't give anyone the chance to keep you on the back burner.
His words and actions must match, if they don't, he's not the one.
I'm sorry she's so disappointed and sad. I have been there, but if there's anything I have learned is that. Men tell you and show you who they are. Pay attention and take them at their word when they say something along the lines of not being interested.
Ask her as well to feel her feelings and dig a bit deeper. Her instinct will tell her however mildly that something doesn't add up. Go with that.
Good luck with everything.
Julia, I would tell your friend not to put so much thought into what he might think about whether or not she accepts this invitation to like his professional FB page, but to simply like it if she does indeed like it, or not if she doesn't. This is such a mute point. What does matter is whether this man is communicating with her in a way that works for her, whether he is giving her enough of what she is looking for to know that this is someone she even wants to consider being involved with, and whether she is only driving herself crazy trying to figure him out instead of listening to his words that he only wants to remain friends and believing them.
Any ambiguity on his part can be interpreted so many different ways; tell your friend that she is far better off taking all this time and energy off of him and what he might be thinking, and putting it on her and what she wants for her life. If he can break up with her, he can surely contact her directly to let him know that he would like to be more than friends, especially since she let him know she wanted to be more than friends. Someone who's interested will always make sure you know he's interested in you. I hope this helps!
Thank you Jane. Great words, great thoughts, as usual. Yes, my friend heard you and took her decision : communicating with her in this way is far beneath what she can accept from him, so she will not reply to his invitation. She will not lower the bar anymore. No more ambiguity, no more accepting crumbs, or mixed signals, no more "trying to figuring him out". I helped her to promise this to herself : If he doesn't show her clearly that he has changed his mind, she will not reply or communicate with him anymore because he doesn't deserve her time. Thank you for your help. We are lucky to have you Jane. And please keep on posting your wonderful articles. It is like oxygen for us 🙂 Love. Julia
Thank you, Julia. I'm so glad this resonated with her. 🙂
Thank you for this inspired message... it comes at the right time for me.
I'm so glad, Vincent Louisa. Thank you.
This is what I needed to hear right now. The have previously shared my story here about the very unstable man I was with for 8 years only to find out that he had been in a serious relationship with another woman for the last 2 years we were together, and this is why he was never able to fully commit to me even when we were engaged and about to get married. Thank God I found all those pictures and the truth before walking down the aisle with him!! it has been 5 months since the last time I saw him or spoke with him, I blocked any way of communication between us and I have started the long healing process. I am getting stronger day by day but now I am struggling with all the anger and resentment. I don't wish him well, I don't wish him to be happy with her or have a successful professional career. I hate feeling like this towards another person, being that I am a social worker and naturally feel empathy for people. I don't feel empathy towards him or her anymore and it is a daily battle to overcome these feelings. One day at a time I guess.. thank you for your words and encouragement!
Hi Amy,
I don't think you should feel happy for him. What he did was inconceivable. The feelings of anger and resentment will fade in time. When you don't feel anything towards him and don't careless what happens to him. I hope you continue to feel stronger every day and know that I wish you all the very best. You will be fine x Judy
Thank you, Judy.
Don't rush it, Amy. We're talking about your own freedom here, not his or anyone else's. Yours. You're still the empathetic person you've always been, regardless of how you feel about him! This is your time to get yourself back, to be so kind and gentle and compassionate with yourself, not to look at what you should or shouldn't be able to do with him. This is about you and what you need and how to help your own self heal, not about him. It takes time to see beyond your own very real hurt and pain to someone else - and especially him. Have compassion for yourself for whatever it is you're feeling. Hating yourself doesn't serve you either.
I recently found out that the man I have been with for the last four months has a girlfriend. I was just the side piece. Im really having trouble letting this go as he wont admit to it. I truly believe he is a narcissist. That's not name calling..its honesty. He is still trying to convince me that there isnt anyone else. Let me just say Jane, im insulted that he thinks im so stupid to believe him and seriously doubt myself.. He has an answer for everything. .He has patronized me and tried to belittle me in every way. I know he will never admit to it. I told him while he was busy playing checkers i was playing chess and figured him out. That's what it felt like, a game.
He will flip and say he misses me loves me and so on. Ive cut off contact- as in blocked him. Now he is trying to reach me through his 16 year old son..i blocked him too.
The hurt and anger are so painful. I was single for two years and I'm really mad at myself for chosing the biggest dousche bag i could find. I thought i was in a really good place when i met him. He is a player..i know this. Why didn't i see this? Im not blind. Its hard not to be hard on yourself when we allow these people in our lives. I know im a smart strong confident women! How did i let this person in?
Because you're human, Browneyedgirl. Don't engage. You're not anything he might think you are unless you allow yourself to be. And what he thinks or doesn't think about you doesn't matter. What you believe about yourself is the only thing that matters.
Thank you for responding. I honestly dont care what he thinks about me. I just have so much anger with him and myself. Im upset with myself for letting him in. It is so hard to let go and just forget. He was very good at his game. Im having a hard time knowing i was played..it really eats at me.. I hate the fact that i cant just turn my feelings off for him. I know the whole relationship was a lie. I haven't had any contact for about a week because of blocking him. The silence is deafening. Dont misunderstand. .i dont want the contact with him but its as you say. .when someone wants to be with you they will show you. He has definitely showed me who he is.. i just want the hurt to stop. The hardest part for me is im not emotional person(as far as crying). I cant cry this out..i havent cried over a man in 10 years.
Find those tears, browneyedgirl. There's so much healing in them. And even more telling, is that if we can't allow ourselves to cry, there's usually something bigger there. Do you have to be perfect? Do you have to be someone different that who you are? Who's so hard on you? It sounds like you're expecting way too much of yourself here. You're human. You're allowed to miss something. You're allowed to believe enough in someone to let them in and then find out more and let them go when you find that out. You don't have to want to. You can still want it to be so different, but at some point, you have to do the most loving thing you can do for yourself and forgive yourself, allow yourself to be that beautiful human you are. Don't let it eat at you; let it just be. It happens to the best of us; it happens to all of us. Give yourself a break. It shows how much you feel, how much you're capable of feeling that you can't just turn your feelings on and off. Don't lose that part of you. With someone who's on the same page as you, being yourself - including these loving, feeling, giving parts of you - will mean everything to him. To someone who's not, it's how you know.
BRAVO Jane!! You came down my street again!!! I was feeling like this last night!! I wanted to start the blame game again. I wanted him to feel the hurt that I HAD felt, I wanted him to suffer the humiliation I HAD felt. I wanted him to pay!!! Yes around my friends I had jokes, called him names and told some his business, but at the end of the day I felt sad. I HAD to accept he was human and I allowed what happened and it was time to LET GO of the anger, bitterness and resentment that I HAD taken root in my heart. As you said Jane "Does it serve you" NO IT DO NOT!! It only hurts me, he has move on with his life. He has a fiancé now and doing just fine with his life. Now I realize that I am a strong person, I deserve the best, and he was not for me!! This is about me and today I am living, laughing and LOVING!! FREE!!!
So glad I could get that close again, RealDavis. You know it's only because it's the very human part of all of us. Be so proud of yourself for being so open to seeing this, beyond what you want him to feel, but what you want yourself to feel. You do deserve so much more than this and now you are free!
Jane, you are asking the reader to rise above, to take themselves to a higher level. And stay there. Lift up their self respect, self esteem. It is so easy to wrestle in the mud with a pig, but in the end, you both get dirty. And the pig enjoys it. I have been there and I know about carrying that anger inside. That pettiness will eat you up inside. That is why forgiveness is all about you, not him/her.
So when you realize that you are too good for all the pettiness, you become a different person. You become a stronger person. And when you see that, it makes you even stronger, wiser, kinder, someone who is better able to make better decisions and face life. It snowballs. It is in you, just bring it out with running, yoga, helping animals, something that makes you feel good inside. You can do it, just sometimes you need a helpful push from a friend.
Denise; If you moved on with the snap of fingers, it would say that it never really meant that much to you. Do you want to be that kind of person or be the kind you are, one who feels, cares, things matter?
Well said!!!
That's it, Wayne. You've described this process - and how it happens - so well. And this is equally as true - "You can do it, just sometimes you need a helpful push from a friend." It's why we all need that cheerleader, someone who sees us for everything we are - and aren't - and without judgement, helps us to rise up instead of fall back down.
So true, your words for Denise. Thank you.
This applies to all kinds of relationships. It's hard to admit in certain cases that no one is to blame. In the grand scheme of things this is true.
For me it has been a dance of feeling fine with it and being angry. Little by little the anger has been subsiding. It's all a process. Reminding myself every day that it was just a bad match. Whatever he did I allowed and I need to just accept it and move on. The thing that has helped the most is letting myself feel whatever I feel but also seeing things without emotional interpretations. And of course, the most helpful step I took was cutting all contact with him and his friends. Literally closing every single line of communication. Vanishing. It helps so much with the closure. Understanding what happened as a step forward for me, having learned why it happened and what I can do from now on. In my stories, there has never been a specific "she". Of course these men found someone else, but I never really blamed any of those girls because technically they couldn't have done anything. I have never really understood why some women blame other women when we all know that no one can make anyone do anything.
I think we all learn this as we strive for self actualization and becoming more mature and addressing our own insecurities and weaknesses with love. It's hard to get out of the victim - judgemental mentality, but like everything is a process.
I'm glad I have started seeing things this way even if I slip at times.
Angel we all slip back, but the best thing we do not stay!!
Exactly, RealDavis and Angel!
Exactly, Angel! It changes everything - in all our relationships - and gives us permission to choose what we want in our lives instead of feeling so helpless instead. "Even if I slip at times" ... is the only way I've known real change to happen. Human, Angel, it's what we all are, no matter how "perfect" some of us are able to appear on the outside.
This is so true. But it is so hard to move on. Wish I could snap my finger and be done with it and moved on. Love your articles.
Thank you, Denise. There's a reason it's hard. It shows how much you give and care and feel and how much of yourself you can put into someone and a relationship. Don't wish those beautiful qualities away! Just save them for someone who proves himself worthy of you and what you're offering slowly, over time, as you gradually come to see who someone is and whether or not he's truly compatible with you in all the ways that matter - and on the same page with you.
Hi Jane,
I have been very grateful to our recent emails. You have helped me so much to move on.
I have identified so much with this article.
You see I have played the victim for nearly 30 years. I was 28 years old and had just had a baby. She was 10 days old and my son was only 4. Their father went to work and never came back that day. He had left me for another woman -
For all of these years I have been the victim and it has scarred many things for me. I NEVER LET GO.........
I drank to erase the painful memories of what THEY did to me......it was all about ME......
I can see that now. I can still feel the pain that it caused me. It still aches me to hear that they are still together, married, with another family......why could he not love ME like that....why could he abandon OUR children????.......and so on and so on.....
It is only recently when my 3 year relationship has ended that I have actually sat down and thought about all of this.
I am recovering from the recent split and its so hard. It took over 25 years to let anyone else come into my life and it hasn't turned out.
Recently I have been going over and over in my head....why me, why me, why me......its not fair, I should have this, I should have that........
Playing the victim has become part of me and I see it through this article.
I have a long way to go to find out who I am. Its taken a long time to even realise that I have a part to play in all of this. Its been comforting to blame everyone else for my misery.
I hope and pray that I can let go and Let God......and that I can move on.
I feel that at 57 I have wasted so much time and energy and fear that I have let life slip by.....am I too old now to find happiness..? I don't know.
But thanks Jane. Again I have a lot of things to think about.
Love always
Wilma
Wilma happiness is a choice, start living life where you are now!! Go do things that make you HAPPY.
I'm so glad they've been helping you, Wilma. We're not meant to go through these things alone. You're never too old. You're never too hardened. You're always more than you think you are. You're always more in control of your life than it ever feels like. Pick one thing that makes you happy or feels like it could make you happy. Do that. Pick an age that you felt like the world was your oyster and allow yourself to go back to that place for a fresh start. It's only in our minds that we paint such a dismal picture when there is still so much more for us - at any age. That you're seeing so much of this for yourself now in a clear light is huge. Huge! Don't discount any of this seeing you're doing. This is you being ready for so much more to come.