Our beautiful friend Yuri has been in a relationship with a guy who now says he just wants to be friends, but he's giving her mixed signals which is giving her false hope.
Here's her email:
Dear Jane,
My boyfriend broke up with me in October 2014.
He first said that he wanted to take a break to be with himself because he had some issues then three weeks later he broke up with me. I was really sad but I managed to remain calm. But a week after the breakup he started calling me again and wanted to always hang out with me.
I went along because I was emotionally too dependent on him. As days went by I grew uncomfortable because I knew that even though we were like a couple he still didn't consider me his girlfriend. I decided to speak to him about it and he told me that he was still having some issues and that if I wanted to I could be with him because in the future we will get back together.
Again I went along with what he said hoping that we will get back together soon. But then I noticed a repeated cycle taking place.
For some days he would keep calling me and wanting to spend time with me and then suddenly he won't answer my calls or tell me to hang out with him. After that again he would come back and this started frustrating me.
Last month I decided that it was enough and I spoke to him.
I told him to either be with me or without me and that if he decides to be without me then we should stop seeing each other completely so that I can move on. He then told me that he didn't know that something was wrong.
He said that we should be friends for now and we don't know what might happen in the future. He even said that he didn't want to stop talking completely because he didn't want to lose me.
Since then I have been distant with him.
I never call or text him and even when he calls or comes around I don't say much. Thankfully I'm no longer emotionally dependent on him and I have decided to focus on myself. But since we are in the same college I get to meet him very often and that time he has his ways to show that he still cares.
He would come and give me long hugs, he would try and play with me like he used to, when we are talking he wouldn't take his eyes of me and if he's free he would want to meet me.
I know that I should focus on myself and not on what he's doing but all this gives me a slight hope that we will get back together.
I have accepted that it's over but I keep wondering whether he sees me just as a friend or he misses our relationship. Or maybe he just misses me being with him all the time because he has told me that he misses me.
This time I don't want to be given hope and then get hurt again. I don't know if I should completely ignore him or should I let things be the way they are. I'm so confused right now.
I would really appreciate if you could help me.
Thanks
Yuri
My Response:
Dear Yuri,
I'm so glad you reached out to me.
Be so proud of yourself for recognizing the importance of focusing on you and your own life and what you're doing, instead of what he is or isn't doing. That really is the single most important thing you can do for yourself.
Because when you're so focused on trying to read between the lines of what he says and does to see whether he's genuinely missing you or just wanting to be friends – or something in between those two, you put yourself in a position of waiting for someone to choose you, waiting for someone to pick you, waiting for someone to make up his mind about you.
And what does that do?
It robs you of all your power. It places you in a position of deferring to someone else for your worth. It has you putting someone up on a pedestal waiting for them to choose you, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise.
This is where the real damage is done.
This is what makes this so not about him, but so much about you. It's the aftermath of this waiting that hurts us so. Because if he didn't want us, then who will? Because if we weren't enough for him, how do we know we'll ever be enough for someone else? These are the questions that linger long after the relationship in question has revealed what it is to be.
This is the part we don't see when we think it's only about whether to let go or hang on.
We think it's about him. We miss the fact that it's so much more about us than it could ever be about him.
Yes, he could just see you as a friend, or he may miss your relationship, or he may miss being with you all the time, or it may be one of a hundred other things that only he knows.
But what I do know for sure, Yuri, is that when you are as loving and caring and giving and understanding as most of the women that write to me are, you can see the slightest bit of hope in almost anything that he does or doesn't do and make it into so much more than it ever could be.
So what I say to you is the same thing I say to all of us hopeful women:
You need so much more than little glimmers of hope from him. You need real actions. You need real behavior that you don't have to interpret. You need someone tangible to base your hopes and dreams on that isn't any of this reading between the lines kind of hope.
Go do what you know you need to do. There's a reason you sense this. This is your own answer that's always known in your heart of hearts. Go live your life and create a life for yourself like nothing you've ever known before.
If he catches up to that page you're on, you'll absolutely be the first to know.
Live for you, Yuri. Not for the hope of what he might do, or could do, or what his latest choice of words or actions might be telling you.
It's in the world of reality where you belong, not in the land of fantasy. That's the loneliest place I've ever known.
Love,
Jane
What do you think our beautiful friend Yuri should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!
Yuri,
I can totally relate!! My husband who I have been separated from for 2 years still comes and goes every 3 weeks. It's a sick pattern and although I have done the no contact, it is very difficult because we have children. He uses them to lure hisself back in. Like you, my emotional detachment is a lot more under control these days because before I would believe him every time he said he wanted to come back. I truly admire you...I know it's hard but focusing on yourself proves that you know your worth and love yourself to know that LOVE is not supposed to be painful. Keep up the good work. You are on your way to greatness for your life.
Thank you for adding this, Rubyznjuly. How you understand when you've gone through it.
Ruby I am going through exactly the same thing. Me and my partner have split up after 15 years together. We have 3 children together. He tells me how much he loves me then goes cold on me. He tells me he wants to make it work and then does nothing to show it. We have been broke up for nearly 4 months and it's just backwards and forwards all the time. It's so hard when children are involved. Nobody else was involved we just hadn't been getting on for quite a while
It's because he can't, Lynn. As much as he wants to, he's not capable of giving you more. He doesn't know how. And he doesn't know how to know. He has to want to learn, he has to want to change this. And no matter how much we want to show him and be enough for him, it comes down to accepting him for who he is and where he is and making your own decisions from there. It is always so much harder when children are involved. My heart goes out to them - and you.
I agree with what you're saying about fantasy and reality. Being emotionally and mentally prepared for that is entirely different. When you finally reach that point that you cannot and will not live in fantasy land then you will start realizing that you can be your best with or without him. That's when you start to live free. You are right, if he wants to jump on your page, he will. This is a wake up call for me too. Thank you for your insight.
Exactly, Elsa. So glad you're seeing this now for yourself!
Yuri, I'm 60 years and the heart doesn't change. I'm happy reading your last blog that you know your self-worth. I still believe by nature that a man is still the "hunter". Meaning if he really wants you he will hint you down, find you and profess his intentions. Sometimes you maybe as close in proximity as next door and that's too far for him to seek you out if he has another agenda. Treat yourself as what love is: patient kind not boastful nor proud hope faith etc but DONT allow anyone to waste your time. You ask yourself what you want expect from relationship and don't allow anyone to rob you of precious time. Be good to yourself w/o being selfish. Don't forget don't worry about whether you're worthy of him but if he worthy of your time? It's not only his choice to choose you but does it meet your mark? I'm one who was engaged for too long, waited too long and he married another. Even at my seasoned age I've just learned mu true worth. I'm happy you have found your worth at an early stage iin life. be good to Yuri and the "right" person for Yuri will find you!
Beautifully said, Hiawatha. Thank you.
Jane, I want to thank you and everyone over here who has commented and given me so much strength. I read your reply last night along with all the comments and I was no longer confused. I knew what I had to do and so I picked up the phone today and told him that I'm not going to take it any longer. I told him that I wanted to be with someone who didn't want to keep taking breaks from me and find reasons to stay away from me. It took a lot of strength to do this. All these days I thought that if I walked away I would regret it because like you said in your other articles, I saw so much potential in him. But now I know it is the reality of what is right now that matters most. And yes, the fantasy world is the loneliest. You try to fool yourself by saying that deep down even he is sharing your fantasies and he just needs time. But how is it possible to fool your heart that knows the truth? Deep down you know that you are alone with your fantasies and he probably never shared them. I feel sad thinking about how so many of us over here waste our time reading between the lines hoping for something that might be when his actions so clearly show the reality of what is. But it is never too late to walk away and gain back the confidence and dignity we lost in the relationship. I finally made up my mind to walk away and I hope that everyone going through the same thing gets the strength to do so.
This is you, Yuri. All you. Standing in your own power and choosing what you want for your life - and what you don't. I'm so glad you've felt the support and strength from so many others here who know what it's like to walk in your shoes. How inspiring it was to read your words here this morning! Thank you for updating us all and sharing your words with us. There's no stopping you now!
Yuri your letter came even as I was thinking about the realionship I am in ,love hurts real bad,
He seldom says he loves me and tells me he appreciates me more.You my dear have given me a message of encouragement and I thank you . I will address my heart issue witn him later.Thank you too Jane. Yes Yuri it really is and should be about us
Angela I know what it feels to love someone and feel like he doesn't care; to feel unappreciated al the time. I was with such a person till now but I finally decided to leave him. I feel like I have finally found my peace and I hope you do too.
So glad this resonated with you, Angela. You're never alone.
Yuri, as I read your story it sound so much like mine. He kept my hopes up to, when I knew to run, I stayed. I heard what he was saying, bit I stayed. I made it comfortable for him, until he found someone else that he truly wanted and that is when he LEFT!! Don't wait until he finds someone else and then he leaves you. Don't call or text, see if he truly misses you in the meantime continue to move on with your life and life without him. Let him have is own issues (baggage). If you want a relationship and he wants friendship...move on and let who is looking for you find you, STOP wasting your time!! You are almost there "I don't want to be given hope and then get hurt again" YES ignore him!!
Thank you, Real Davis. You've got this.
I completely understand what she is experiencing. I am somewhat experiencing something similar however what I have done is pull myself out of the situation. When he messages me I respond, when he calls I answered but I am not drawn into believing in mix signals.
I agree with your advice, what we need is action, not a hint or a behaviour for us to read between the lines.
My issues is that I am so fearful of opening to someone and then they put space or distance between us; and so I just stay by myself.
She will get there though, as she has recognised the pattern and realise that something is off.
Exactly, LC. And take it slow. It's in the space and time that you allow yourself to slowly get to know someone that you find out who they really are, and who they're not.
This is GREAT information. Have to continue to reiterate to myself. Sometimes easy to fall back and hope. I realize it's part of that emotional starvation that will continue to improve as I continue to improve myself. Thank your for sharing. You're always right on POINT!
Thank you, Renee. We all need these reminders when it's so easy to let ourselves get swept up in the fantasy. You're not alone!
I am much older than the reader who wrote the letter about her boyfriend, and his coming back and leaving and then coming back again, but I am in the exact same position. I met the man of my dreams, a gorgeous divorced doctor with no kids, online, almost two years ago. I thought he was perfect for me and that we really clicked and that he felt it too. But for the first year and a half, he left me 4 times. The first time was for 3 months and all the other times were for a week. This was the most difficult time in my life, as is am in my early 60's and never married, I just never met the right guy until the doc. When he came back to me after the 4 th breakup in 18 months, I took him back but I sat down with him this time and spoke my mind. I told him he is 65 years old, a doctor, and super intelligent, I said he can do anything he wants with his life- except break up with me again. I said please know this: you can break up with me all you want but this is the last time I will ever come back to you. Think carefully about the next breakup and know in your heart that if you do it, you will never see me or hear my voice again, because you will be out of my life forever.
This was the best thing I ever did, although my hands were shaking as I said it. Since then, it's been beyond wonderful, he is devoted to me and has taken me on two luxury trips and we see each other all the time when he is not in his office, he calls me and helps me in my apartment and drives me around my neighborhood so I can do my errands, and he wines and dines me every weekend. My promise to never see him again if he breaks up with me again did the trick. This is why I think it worked: he knew I meant it and I did, I was really prepared to walk away and go back online to try to meet someone else. Standing up for yourself is the way to go, it shows you respect yourself and also that you have other options available, than just him.
"This is why I think it worked: he knew I meant it and I did, I was really prepared to walk away and go back online to try to meet someone else. Standing up for yourself is the way to go, it shows you respect yourself and also that you have other options available, than just him." - Exactly, Adrienne. And thank you for sharing your story! That kind of strength and resolve is beautiful in action. You absolutely can't pretend you can do this if you're not crystal clear yourself. Where you are at - and where you're not - will always come through.
jane , having YOU say that I did the right thing, means the world to me! I read every world you write and you can't imagine how much help you have given me in my relationship with the doc. I will continue to read your articles and words of wisdom.
You're sweet, Adrienne; but you're the one taking what I'm saying and running with it. That's beautiful!! I'm so glad to hear you're being helped by my words. Thank you. 🙂
I am so GLAD for you!! I wish I would have done that 4yrs ago!! BRAVO!!!
Thank you,I surprised myself by doing what I did . I just am not going to go through 5 breakups with this man, I love him but nobody should have to go through that. He knows I mean business now.
Thank you, Jane! I just needed to hear it again! Perfect timing as usual 🙂
You're so welcome, Julia. Thank you. 🙂
To truly focus on you - I think you need to ditch this guy all together. In the end - his inability to decide what he wants is his loss. Don't waste your precious time wondering if he misses you etc. - he's not worth it.
"For some days he would keep calling me and wanting to spend time with me and then suddenly he won't answer my calls or tell me to hang out with him. " - Sounds like maybe he loves you as a friend, but doesn't see a future with you. Often people have problems letting go of those they care about even though deep down they know that person is just not the one they have a connection with. You don't know what he is doing when he is not calling you or texting you back. Maybe he is moving on and dating others - but when they don't work out - he has you on the side burner.
Don't be that lady on the side burner. If you are still in college - there are tons of options for meeting others. I felt college was the easiest place to meet so many guys. And there are good ones out there. Don't let this shady guy waste your time and ruin your college experience. Unless the school is the size of a dime - you should be able to find ways to avoid him. Find other ways to get to different classes/bldgs, even if it means taking the longer route. Don't meet up with him anymore.
Good luck!
Thank you, Portia. This all helps!
I think the last paragraph speaks volumes. Land of fantasy is extremely lonely.
Exactly, Nicola. It is.
Dear Yuri,
I can empathise with you completely. I have allowed myself to listen to similar non-committal rubbish for too long..........4yrs.
I quite simply "messes with your mind".
I know I need to move on but still live in hope he will finally say " I am ready".
So hard when you invest time, years, feelings, memories in to a relationship and the usual/normal progress doesn't happen.
Yuri, you are young........don't tie yourself to an on/off man.
I firmly believe if a man truly loves you he will not be indecisive with his intentions.........you WILL know, he will not hesitate, beat about the bush, play mind games.
You will know exactly where you stand with him from you wake in the morning until you sleep.
He will ensure you know where you are headed................I need to listen to my own advise!
Good luck Yuri, you deserve a no-nonsense, honest man who loves your beautiful heart and won't confuse you.
Take care,
Janette
Dear janette please listen to your own wonderful advice, you to deserve so much more!!! I feel for you Iv been there, take control Hunny. Make your life work for you, not him.
So true, Janette! And it is always so much easier to see someone else's situation so much more clearly than we can ever see our own. Trust yourself; when you have all the information you need, you will know exactly what you need to do. In your own time and way.
Yurith
It sounds like a really cruel and unproductive power game he is playing with you. Casting little baits to keep reeling you in and then when he has you hooked yet again throwing you backinto the water .like a hapless powerless humiliated fish..its a power game to convince himself he can have you anytime he wants you....so he never needs to do anything aout truely wooing you and creating the relationship in an honourable way
The problem is though I know from experience that those little baits he keeps dangling can bring about an adrenalin rush something like a drug you start craving and longing for even though you hate yourself for it >I hate to tell you this but I think you may have an unhealthy addiction to this man and his treatment of youand you may need to go cold turkey Yuri to detox and get him out of your system .Close all avenues of contact with him Keep the doors and windows to communication with him firmly shut and let him know his attempts to communicate with you after he has given you such a hard time are NOT welcomed or appreciated
Then you yourself will need to do the hard work of getting him out of your system..self love and nuturing healing maybe have some massage , and energy work see a counsellor who can support you through your withdrawals .Focus on doing things for you that make your heart and sing and lift your spirits ....take solace in nature and beautiful places .As you begin to love and appreciate you ......and honour your worth as a beautiful woman worthy of being treated with absolute respect and dignity and appreciation the world and the men you meet will eventually reflect that back to you.......
Best wishes
Wendy
That's really great advice Wendy. I think yuri should take this up, I myself have found myself in a unhealthy addictive reflationship and the only thing to do, is to walk away with what dignity (if any left) you have left. Life will get better and I have since thought how silly I was, and although I'm still single 18 mths on. I'm happier then Iv ever been and more in control.
You've added much to this conversation for Yuri, Wendy. Thank you. Your wise words and sharing of your own experience all add so much.