Our beautiful friend, Lola, has been with her boyfriend for 6 years, and he has cheated on her in the past. Now she thinks he is cheating on her again, and has confirmed that he's lying to her. She's wondering what to do from here.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I have been seeing this man (we both are 47) for 6 yrs. There has been cheating on his part in the past. I took him back, did brief counseling but I still have difficulty with trust.
I recently met a woman who said she knew him and immediately my "spidey sense" was heightened. I discovered (by asking) that they have since made contact.....Here is the what happened last week. He & I got together on Thursday (because something going on Sat night) & I asked about this woman again. He told me he has no interest in her. We end our evening on a good note, positive.
Saturday evening comes around & I'm out with a girlfriend by his house. I call. He says not home (tells me not to come by) but I can tell that he is there. Then I see his garage door go up & this woman (the one asked about) is leaving getting in her car in the driveway. He is in his car in the garage (I saw his back up lights come on).
I immediately called him and he did answer or respond to texts. I was furious and hurt.
I tried to contact him the next day and no response......it's been a week and I have not attempted to make contact with him.
He LIED to me, I hate myself because I love him.
Cheating on me again? What do I do?
Is over just like this after 6 yrs?
I keep thinking about it?
I know I overreacted when saw her leaving his house.....This can't be all my fault.
I don't want our relationship to be over.....
What do I do?
Attempt to contact him?
I'm a mess.......
Help.
Lola
My Response:
Dear Lola,
Of course you still have difficulty with trust; it's because he isn't giving you any reason to trust him. Of course you're looking for the positive notes to gauge where things stand; it's because you have little else to go on. Of course you found yourself by his house; it's because you know there's so much more to his explanations.
And of course you feel you overreacted when you saw another woman leaving his house; there's nothing we do so well as blame ourselves for what went wrong.
It's so hard to see this clearly right now from where you stand, Lola. And especially when you have so much time and energy invested in this man that you know things could be so different with, if only he could see this for himself.
But you've tried reaching out, and he hasn't responded. Not for a week. He's cheated before, you say. You took him back - of course you did when we all want to believe in that beautiful romantic notion that love can conquer all – regardless of whether or not someone wants it to. You tried counseling; because that's what we all do so well.
We keep trying, we keep working, we keep thinking it's got to change if we can only do that "one last thing" to turn this relationship around.
But how lonely to be doing this on your own! How beautiful a heart you have that you can give and love and forgive and take someone back like you have for the sake of that one word that means so much to us all – love.
Is it love, Lola? Is this love? Is being treated like this love? Is putting yourself out there again and again to be subjected to this what you had in mind when you thought you were falling in love? Is watching some other woman walking out of his house when he's blatantly lying to you, telling you he's not at home when you can see with your own eyes that that's exactly where he is – what you had in mind?
No matter how much of ourselves we've invested in someone, when we look at the reality of what we're getting from someone, of what we're not getting, of what someone isn't capable of giving us whether they're wounded from their own pasts or not, there comes a time when we can no longer keep this reality from speaking for itself.
And then it comes down to where it always does – to you.
And the one statement buried in your email to me that says more about what's really going on than anything else about him; I hate myself because I love him.
This is why only you can change this, Lola.
This is why you are as powerful as you are, no matter how much you can't see it right now. You know in your heart of hearts that this isn't loving to you.
You know you deserve better than this. You know you don't deserve to be treated like this. You don't love him; you love the idea of him. You love the way you've made him out to be in your own mind that has nothing to do with the reality of who he is or what he can give you.
What are you really letting go of if you don't contact him again? What are you really losing if you set him free to live the life he so obviously wants to live? What are you gaining in return?
Self-respect.
The kind that matters more than any other kind. The kind that turns into a higher self-esteem and more self-confidence than you're living with right now. The only kind worth having when you know you've done the most loving, compassionate thing you can do for yourself. The kind that realizes you're worth more than what you've been trying to convince yourself is the best you're going to get.
You're the loving kind, Lola; not the begging kind. And this self-loathing, self-hatred is a sign that something needs to change. We can't treat ourselves like this and still love ourselves.
If you're not enough to turn this around, why is he enough for you?
If you can relate to what's Lola's going through, I'd love to hear from you. And so would she. Share your thoughts with her in the comments.
cause you'l see what things going tobe happen in your life..letting a cheater rules some1 who did nothing wrong with anyone its not an easy job, he knew that you'l always take him bck thats why he treated you lke that but pray to GOD HE wl transfrm hs lfe
Lola , i think what Jane said was enough for you and it tells you directly to get your self out of this unfair imaginary relationship . You say you dont want to lose him? But where is he ? He is not yours and he wasnt gained by you . Being unfaithful to the 6 years of your relation means he doesnt even count nor he remembers that . I can tell you now that there was no relationship from the day he cheated the first time , and all of the passing years after , were not real , and he cheated whenever he could . You couldnt trust him after that but wanted to make the years pass believing that time would change him !! LOLA .. Wake up , push him out with no mercy and break the biggest glass cup behind him , and promise yourself not to take him back , because he will keep trying to come back to the person who takes him back even when she knew he cheated and cheated on her !!!
"But where is he?" - Great question, Sama. It's the very ones we're so afraid of losing that are never with us in the ways that matter in the first place.
hey lola as i read your letter cited above, its very a tough situation you're in there but as a boy i would suggest you to just let things go away which is not supposed tobe in your life..don't let some1 take advantage on you dare to tell him 'goodbye'
Wow! Amazing how things come to us right when we need it. I need help too!
We have "been togther" for 16 years..we had an affair for 10 years and then he got divorced The last 6 years, "supposedly" exclusive, but he has cheated and I have taken him back, 3 times!
I think I "love" him and love being with him, and the sex is mindblowing!
He has his home and I have mine. We have "sleep overs" on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday.
We often don't talk much during the week.
Fall is the time of year he has cheated before, his birthday is next week and he will be 61. I believe he is talking with someone and thinkng about cheating...I even tried to catch him tonight, but he did what he always says he does, goes to the gym around 9:00. There is no proof for me to say anything to him about other than I'm feeling kind of "jiggy" because of the time of year.
I have many friends who are alone. They can't find anyone "worthwhile" to date or be with. My brother, 31 year old daughter, Mother, niece, nephew besides the dozens of friends are included in this list.
He knows I don't trust him, and I really do think I deserve an honest relationship. But, I am almost 56 years old and in a city FILLED with single and divorced women with very few eligible men.
Any observations, or suggestions?
Oh my Mel......Of course you deserve an honest relationship. Please learn to love yourself. After my divorce I went a little crazy and dated all the hook ups (not intentionally but that's what happened)
I started to feel that way too. I met my ex husband at 16 and married him at 18 we have five daughters together. But our marriage ws toxic.
after dating I realized I needed to figure out me. And when I did....I fell in love with me. Best thing that ever happened to me. I'm dating and keeping all optio s ope. Till the committed one co.es along. I'm having more fun now. I'd love a commitment from one guy I see regularly but I'm pretty sure its not happening to soon so I continue dating.
Find yourself through self discovery. I asked some people I was close to to give me an honest assessment. One knew me my whole marriage and divorce and the other only kne wme post divorce.I was pleasantly surprised at there almost identical feelings.
I wish you the best in your search.
love Jennifer
If you don't want to share him , then end the relationship. It is that simple.
Dearest i know what you are feeling right now but my dia we don't settle for less,everyone deserves better and you're one of these people who deserve good,pick and move on ,i know its not easy but you can make it.
Hi Lola,
My heart is heavy for you as I read this...I too many years ago was in a similar situation with someone that I trusted and loved for a very long time. I too went to his house on a whim and he never answered the door when I rang the bell but the TV was on so I figured he was there. I called him and he answered and insisted that he wasn't home..he was lying because while he was talking to me I saw him on his phone in his basement..the next day the other woman contacted me to tell me she was in the house with him when I showed up..I confronted him and believe it or not I took him back..but the indiscretions continued and I got fed up! I called him up one day and told him to walk away from me...it was painful; it took a long time for me to heal but no regrets..because you see I didn't like who I had become when I was with him..
I do hope that you know that while these decisions are not easy ones just know that taking that first step towards regaining who you are and what you deserve is soooo worth it! Trust me..I've been there...all the best to you!
Melanie
Peace and Blessings Melanie
I too went thru the wall for my ex. I can truly relate. I snooped, did drive bys, stopped by his job to surprise him and found him having lunch (That I Prepared for him) with a sidechick.
I hated the way I felt. So low value.
All I can say is Thank God I found the greatest love of All. And that person is ME.
I am so proud of my self for finally slamming the door in his face and saying F u forever. No more anixety, no more sleepless nights, no sadness and no more meaningless text messages. Moving on and staying no contact from my toxic situationship was the absoulte best decision And lesson I have learned. 1Love
that guy z a huge loser! just let him go
Why blamed or hate yourself? You did not do anything wrong. He is the one that lied to you. You caughted a woman walked out of his garage can mean anything is why don't you do the same and let him see how that feels? He hasn't be totally honestly with you in the beginning so quit blame yourself and move on. That I would do if I were YOU.
Hey Lisa,
Love your message to Lola.
Even though we all have our own stories, we share the same quest for true love.
I finally found the love of my life...ME!
I promised the following to ME
I will no longer accept crumbs, I want the entire loaf of bread
I will never again be someone's OPTION. Never Ever!!!!
And this new energy feels so powerful and amazing.
Peace & Blessings Sharri
Thank you, Lisa. Why, exactly. It's the answer to that question that reveals so much more than what we see on the surface.
I hate myself for loving her. Still.
But loving her a little less each day.
I bet Lola understands.
Hi, Wayne
I can understand the feeling, but you hating yourself is you inflicting more damage to yourself. Be gentle with yourself, you need kindness especially from yourself now. There's no way you could have known you were going to be hurt. Don't beat yourself up. Go through the emotion, but allow yourself to feel supported by the person that you truly are.
Lots of hugs and love your way.
I know, Wayne. It's what unites so many of us here regardless of how different we may appear on the outside, this self-loathing is at the core of so much of what we allow in our lives. That's where our greatest work lies; in accepting, forgiving, and loving ourselves enough so that we can confidently set our boundaries and hold our own around the behaviors we will and will not accept in our lives. Yes, you are absolutely worth nothing less than this!
Thank you both for your kind words. Self compassion is a topic that up to recently, I knew nothing about. But seeing others with what I wanted, I set out to do everything I could to get it. Have you ever wanted anything that badly? I am sure you have. So, wining, dining, my attention and interest, my concern, tenderness, compassion, kindness, thoughtfulness...all that and more. I wanted the best for her, loved her. Did everything everyone says that people learn by trial and error. Getting it right this time. But this time, it was not my mistake. I treated her like royalty. But she broke up with me after I trusted her, never thought she would lie or deceive me. Left me not knowing what went wrong, so it is easy to point the finger back at me and wish I was someone else. Maybe more charming, more hard hearted...just different. Maybe Lola feels this way, too. I would tell her to be kind to herself, that it is him that has the problem, that he did not deserve her kindness and care. There are mean, cold and cruel people out there. Leave them to karma. Take care of yourself.
Dear Lola,
I am really sorry that happened to you. I can only imagine how painful it is and how devastated you feel.
Please know, that if he's doing this, it's because you are allowing this to happen. His reasons don't matter, you are still there, begging and listening to him and choosing to stay.
Don't put yourself through that. You are magnificent and you are deserving of all the love in the world. You deserve to be happy and you are perfect as you are. Cry it out, feel compassion for yourself and act on that compassion by choosing to walk away from pain. You can do this. You can get past this. No matter what, you have everything inside you. You are love. There is someone out there who will love you how you want to be loved. Blessings your way.
Thank you, Angel. Compassion - self-compassion - is everything.
Youve been with this guy for 6years and hes shown you what he is. As Maya Agnelou said, and i quote " When people show you who they are the first time, believe them " Imagine staying with this guy for 50 years, .Is that the kind of life you envision yourself living? The truth is that honesty is the base for any relationship, and if there is no truthfulness and consequently trust, what you have is a house built on sand which can fall at any time. And remember these traits are hardwired into people, which means there is very little hope of change. Walk away NOW, put some distance between you . Love yourself enough to do it, and believe that you deserve much better than this.
So true, Ann. Such a small sliver of a chance for change and yet we can wait and wait and waste years of our lives believing that we - and he - will be that rare exception. Thank you.
Hey Lola,
I'm really sorry to hear the whole bad situation and even though i'm way younger than you (I'm 17 only and u prob thinking why i'm listening to a 17-year-old, haha.) but i totally understand how u feel. I have been with a guy that lied and cheated on me and i really understand that hurt and betray feeling and the way of thinking that you can't let go that person b/c you love him so much! But just remember dont give yourself pressure, give yourself some time to rethink about the decision you've made was really helping both of you or end up just hurting one another. Just llove yourself no matter what.
I know it's been 6 years having wonderful time and creating memories with this guy that once you thought he was nice and wonderful ( i know you still think he is now.:)) but trust me IF HE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU, YOU DON'T HAVE TO RESPECT HIM. not that i am telling you that you should be rude to him or anything, but YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND THERE ARE MANY GUYS THAT WOULD RESPECT YOU MORE THAN HE DOES. TRUST ME. i once was hurt and i thought the world is going to end,
We all agree that we need respect and lying is the most horrendous thing even in life, no one can bare it. But i believe you. Trust yourself and give some time to yourself. 🙂
Love,
Nichole
Thank you for your perspective here, Nichole. It's true, at any age.
Hi Lola,
I read your mail.There's ups and downs in life.Face the challenges with courage.
If you find difficulty with trust in a relationship,then don't go with it.Let him go and live.Free
your mind.Past is past.Live your present life with hope and gratitude.
True love is caring, they do good to others.It always look with a positive mind and gratitude.
So let start your life with new hopes.Extend your love and support to those who
are deserving my dear.Pray to God with your pure heart and helps to find the purpose of our life.
Thank you, Sherin, for your beautiful words to Lola.
Greetings Lola
Im sending to you from the universe peace and blessings. Pray to your GOD. Give Thanks for the blessings bestowedupon you. Self love will make it all better. Cry it out for the last time then breathe out the negative energy within you. Take deep long breathes. Feel the love God has given you. Dont worry. Your soul is stronger than you think. A good friend told me this
" Don’t settle for staying where you’re not wanted, where you’re not appreciated, where you’re not adored. No, you’re not perfect (none of us are), but you still deserve to be loved. And I can tell you that when you love yourself the way I’m talking about here, you become the most attractive woman in the world". 1Love Sharri
Thank you, Sharri.
Thank you. Hope you didnt mind me quoting you. I truly appreciate your word sound.
I don't mind at all, Sharri. 🙂 It's these reminders of words that resonate with you that connect with others and help them, too.
i dont think you should stay what are u staying for you know he dont want you he is just playing with your feelings he told u he is not at home because he didnt want to see you because he dont need any disturbance from u should have seen thids before taking him back you deserve better dear never beg for a relationship learn to accept the one who needs to be with u he is just pretending he wanted to see if u are still following him to hurt you more.learn to be strong an be brave my dear thank you
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with Lola, Matimu.
We pour some much of our hopes and dreams into these guys that are not right for us that we don't realize we are not even happy anymore. We basically feel like if we just hold our breath for two more seconds’ things will change and they will love us like they use too or if they ever love us at all. It is a hard transition to focus on yourself when you want love from someone that is supposed to already chosen us from the beginning, who is supposed to love and want the same things that we do because they claim to be on the same page. No wonder we feel so lost when they act like we are strangers or just that we decided on our own to pop up in their lives and make a permanent home. We would not be there unless we where invited, but I guess the terms to that invited where written in small print. We lose track because we want to be the girl that has their heart, but if someone is in a relationship with you what we fail too realize is that we should already have their heart and things should not be a calculate move to see our we can win them over.
So true, Sophia. And we do this so well.
Jane, I agree with you 125%. Self respect comes 1st, and we women need to put the focus on ourselves. He is only a man and no man is worth our self-respect. I had a similiar situation which I was in for 6 years, he cheated and insulted me, etc., and I stayed there and took it. Then one day I walked out and i didn't answer his phone calls or emails for 6 weeks, in fact I went on a cruise with another guy who happened to be his friend. Not a best thing to do as it caused some problems, but my guy got so hurt and so jealous he was walking around in tears and he couldn't talk without crying. Our doctor told me how bad he was. I called hi, and I'm seeing him agaiun, but now on my terms. There is no committment now as I won't make one, I am free to date who I want, and he askes me questions about the other guy (who I'm not seeing anymore but he doesn't know that) and I give him NO answers. I tell him it's none of his business, because it happened after I left him and I was his x girl then. Reverse physcology seems to work well with some men. To beg him to change and I did for years had no effect. Hope this helps...
Thank you for sharing your story, Laurie. What matters most is that we do what we can live with.
I feel it's a mistake to commit yourself to a man who is obviously not committed to you. He's still dating, why aren't you looking at other options? He's not the only man in the world & certainly not the best. You're wasting a lot of time worrying & checking up on him when you only need to focus on what YOU'RE doing and YOUR life. Meet new people & do activities you enjoy. Don't be afraid to date other people. It's not cheating when you aren't in a real committed (married) relationship. Just like applying for a job - you keep interviewing (dating) & looking until you get an offer you can't refuse. Don't worry about what he does. He's already shown you he isn't worth it.
Vicki, I love it "Just like applying for a job - you keep interviewing (dating)" I believe in it!! My sistert would tell me all the time....if you're not married you are not committed!!! BOOM!!!!
Thank you for your perspective here, Vicki. We put so much energy into what someone else is doing, but forget to focus on the only thing we ever have control over; ourselves and our own lives.
I totally agree. I've been seeing a guy regularly since about June but there is no commitment. Sure I like him. We are having fun. He is seeing someone else and I continue to go on dates.he and I have actually gotten pretty close. We talk a lot about our lives and children. Ive not met his family and he hasn't met kine. To people we are just friends. I'm not ever gonna close all other options for him unless he makes a real commitment which I doubt will happen anytime soon. That being said I'm curious about some others opinions....
we text and or talk on the phone regularly. He calls me. I can message him when I'm feeling down about my situation with my kids and he'll call as soon as possible. He has done many helpful things for me. He's become a very good friend. But like I sId before, without expressed commitment thats all he is, a great friend.
It mostly feels good with him but it's still not enough. I Want More! I'm not settling until I'm number one and the only one. But I'm not giving up my optio s, him included.
any thoughts?
Lola, I'm going to share the words my father told me when life threw way too many lemons at me, and they still hold so much power and truth because I was in your situation for 8 crazy years, and I was still daft enough to marry the unfaithful bugger and have 2 kids with him before I eventually worked up the courage to divorce his ass after he walked out on me and our two toddlers to live with another woman!
"Life is full of froth and bubble, but two things stand like stone: kindness in another's trouble, courage in your own!"
My self-esteem and self-respect were at an all-time low when I met my ex. Failed relationships with abusive, narcissistic, insecure men who cheated on me had left me feeling grateful that I was even worth looking at. Why did I date these love rats? Because I was raised to be a people-pleasing, happy-go-lucky, nothing-is-too-much-trouble, smile-and-wave, female. I'm 47 now. Back in the day, when men were the breadwinners and 'little wimmen' stayed at home to be homemakers and raise kiddies, we were conditioned to think that it was what we could bring to the relationship, not whether he measured up to our standards. Lucky me - I got picked out of all the other fish in the sea ...yay! It didn't matter that he didn't deserve a wonderful, hardworking, intelligent, caring woman in his life. What I'm trying to get across is that times have changed, and it's time we women did the choosing instead of feeling flattered that we are the chosen ones. We need to decide with whom we want to share our valuable time and who deserves our love and caring. Leopards never change their spots, and once a cheater, always a cheater. The irony is that my ex ended up with a high-maintenance girlfriend who drained his wallet, fought with our kids, resented the alimony I was paid every month, and made his life a living hell. I heeded my father's advice, found the courage to divorce him and moved on with my life. I can honestly say that I've taken my power back, now choose with whom I want to spend my time (we don't get to live to be 1 million hours old so why should I waste even 1 of those hours!), and most of all I found the courage to invest in me - my dreams and aspirations, because they are important too. Best of all, my two little boys will grow up knowing that a woman needs to be treated with love and respect, and that one day they may be lucky enough to be chosen by a wonderful, loving and caring woman just like their mom!
Sending you courage, strength and wisdom in abundance! xxx
Thank you so much for sharing, Jude. Every shared story, every similar experience helps to remind us that we're never alone!
Lola, I can relate to what you are going through. I too have went through this. He is not worth your time or your love. You have not messed nothing up he has. So now what you have to do is let it go. Move on and find the man that truly deserves your love. Don't call him, don't text him and if he contacts you ignore the calls and delete the text. We women put a tremendous amount of love in a guy that does not deserve it but we want do this for ourselves. Why? We are worth so much more than they are. Respect yourself and love yourself Lola.
Thank you, Suzanne. "Why?" - Exactly!
Tk u jane for ur kind words...I know I can't change him or what he put me thru but I'm see him everyday and finding it so hard emotionally...I'm burdened with grief and his lies knowing my last abortion in June was something I didn't wanna do but he had some kind of control over me which now I can see but cudnt at the time...he's said n made up so many mind blowing things about me to an ex of his such cruel things...because I for once was two steps ahead of him wen found him cheating...jus hurting so bad he's taken so much fm me which il never get back...
You don't need to get it back, Lol. Give it to yourself again. Give yourself your own love, your own compassion, your own acceptance and start today right where you are. One step at a time, it's how we do this. It's never too late to begin again with that first step in a different direction; all that matters is that you do.
Lola, I felt your pain!! I have learned that you have to PAY ATTENTION! The woman told you she knew him (Pay Attention) "He told you he was not interest in her (Pay Attention) You knew in your gut that he was up to something that is why you called (Intitution). BAM!! "I am not at home don't come by (Answer). I have learned through his journey of getting my power back...We do not pay attention. "People tells us who they are and what they want" We do not PAY ATTENTION!!! STOP loving him and love YOU!! Remember this is not a mistake this is a LESSON!! CRY, HOLLER, CRY, Get MAD, FORGIVE and LIVE and LAUGH and ENJOY YOU!! BELIEVE he will show up again....but this time you will have your POWERFUL, STRONG, FABULOUS self and will have his STUPID MESS by himself!!
"I have learned through his journey of getting my power back...We do not pay attention." Thank you for this, RealDavis. It's so true that when we want it to be so different, it's the hardest thing to see what we don't want to see, to accept what we don't want it to be. But it doesn't change the reality of what is.
HI Lola
I read your note and I have to tell you I am going through the same thing but
my situation was only 1.5 years versus your 6. I cannot imagine 6 years of what I just went through. All I can tell you is while it is gut wrenching, I mean gut wrenching, you must cut contact completely, delete from your phone, block from your phone, tell your friends if he asks about you to cut it off, as much as it hurts and believe me it does, I am living it right now.... you have to do it!!! You deserve sooo much better and the girls are correct above, we need to take our power back, You have to let him know that this is not acceptable behavior and you are too much of a moralistic person to be a part of it. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done because when you care about someone and you try and try to make it work and the other person doesn't seem to understand but keep you dangling, you have no choice but WALK!!!! Stick your guns and Walk!!! I have no problem walking but sticking to it is quite the other thing!!! I am learning as I am going and getting stronger by the day.. talking with you girls, helps it really does. Lola, the choice is yours but don't let him beat you down anymore than he already has! Our self worth is worth soo much more- they don't care about us Lola, its a huge game to them, one that I wish to no longer play- it takes the good right out of me! Stay strong and if you need someone to chat with, feel free to contact! I am here for you.
Hi my ex has put me thru 2 abortions miscarriage and lied compulsively I found him cheating only lately found him in a hotel and my life has crashed dwn around me I'm depressed not sleeping cry all time over my regrets cause of how he used me so badly...I know I need to move on but am left with such pain and scars
You can't change what's happened, Lol, and you can't change him, but you can choose to refuse to allow anyone to treat you like this ever again. You deserve so much more than this. Don't beat yourself up like you're doing, looking at all the regrets from the past. We all have them. And there's no one who reminds us of this quite like we do. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. Give him back what isn't yours and refuse to take on anyone's issues again. They're not yours to fix or change. Focus on you, focus on building your own boundaries around what you choose to allow and not allow in your life. You're not here to be used; you're here to be loved. And in time, you, will begin to see that faint light that allows you to move on because it's what you know is the loving thing to do for you.
Thank you for your beautiful words of support, Cassie. Such wise, telling words from such a similar place; you understand so much of what Lola's going through when you've been there yourself. Thank you.
Hi Lola
been there done that, the only person who is hurting is you!! he actually is having the best of both worlds while you feel horrible. its time you started taking better care of yourself, by all means see a counsellor to help get rid of your excess baggage (as it were, im currently doing this) but do it for yourself not for this man (also what im currently doing). YOU are the most important person and while your compromising yourself you are not taking care of yourself.
I think its time to let him have his space, chose his options but you not be one of them, it may not feel like it now but in time you will be happier, whats the worst that can happen to you, you will be single and happy instead of ina relationship that makes you miserable!!.
whatever you decide take care of yourself
Thank you for your words for Lola, Karen. "...but do it for yourself not for this man" - Yes, exactly!
Hi Lola
I am in similar situation, for last 6 years I have been with a man.
He treated me and continue treating me the same as u describing in your letter.
Although I never seen him with other woman but I am sure if I would pass by his house when he would say to me he not at home, surely there would be somebody. I choose not to see it.(
Oh we had a past with various brake ups and girlfriends, boyfriends involved.
Will I see him again-yes I will. Till the day when I meet someone better than him.
The Problem is that he knows, that u will accept him later on....
He didn't reply because he knows he hurt u, and make up argument will lead him to accept that and start from fresh with u.
But things is he don't want to, he is happy to hide for a while and then he will appear like nothing happened plus he will make u feel bad that u spy on him.
Basically works perfect for him and heartbreaking for u.
I don't know what should u do.
Would it help if he sees u with somebody else, not sure.
He just don't really care about u.... It's all up to u how u want to be treated.
Thank you for your insight and perspective here, Tina. It all helps.
I truly sympathize with what you are going through. Love yourself and know your self worth. It's okay to mourn the loss of your relationship however you deserve so much more. This too shall pass.
Many Blessings
Thank you, Genene. When you've been there, you understand the words "this too shall pass" in such a real way.
To stay in this could lead to worse forms of eroding self-esteem and crazy making
So true, Jackie; thank you.