One of our beautiful friends, who has chosen to call herself "Wanting to Let Go", is asking herself (and us) "Why do I still feel like it's not over?", even though she's moved on to a new relationship with a great guy.
Here's her email:
Jane,
I've read many of your posts and I love your counsel.
I am in a situation I hope you can shed some light on. I met a man in 2011 and we mutually fell in love within 3 months.
We were both in our late 20's and had well-paying jobs and our own apartments (about an hour away from one another) and no children.
We had a wonderful relationship for about a year and half where we took vacations together, emotionally supported one another and were excited about our future.
He told me he loved me everyday, and said I was perfect for him. He told me he wanted to have a family with me.
Then his mother (who is widowed) was diagnosed with advanced leukemia. She got very sick very quickly. My boyfriend grew quiet and withdrawn. He talked about quitting his job and moving closer to her to take care of her.
Since his mother only lives about 15-20 minutes from me, I suggested we find a place to move in together. He said he wasn't comfortable with that. He said he didn't know how he felt about things anymore. He quit his job to move closer to her and found work making significantly less money. He also moved in with a (recently divorced) buddy of his from college.
We continued our relationship, but argued more and more.
He kept saying he didn't know what to do and was trying to figure things out. He came around my apartment less and less and eventually wouldn't talk about feelings or a future anymore. He even took a vacation to Florida without even inviting me.
I felt very alone.
Even though I am sure it wasn't about me personally, I couldn't believe our relationship had deteriorated to this after two and a half years. So I ended it.
I wish I could say I was graceful about it, but there were many hurt feelings and disappointments. I loved him and missed the way things used to be. I missed the man he was before his mother got sick. I was devastated that he shut me out of his life they way he did.
I spent 4 months being single before I began to date again. I spent time healing with friends and family. I met a new man this spring and have been dating him for 3 months. He is wonderful and adores me.
We've taken a vacation together already and have a second vacation booked. I'm happy with him and enjoy our time together. I don't really know why, but I sent my ex an email at the end of May asking how he was doing and that I was thinking of him and his family. I received no response at all.
My question is this: Why do I still feel like it's not over?
I find myself thinking that maybe things will be different after his mother passes away and he can heal. Like things will go back to the way they were. Even after over 5 months of no contact at all, and a new man in my life, I still haven't quite let go. Do I just need more time?
-Wanting to Let Go
My Response:
Dear Wanting,
What keeps us holding on always has everything to do with our fantasies and nothing to do with our reality.
We hold on because we believe in the love story of our dreams.
We hold on because we believe love can conquer all, because we've bought into the idea of love that if we give and give and give some more, somehow one day we will be rewarded with getting back that man we worked so hard for. We hold on so tightly to these beliefs even though we’re rarely aware that they even exist, let alone that they influence our lives from a subconscious place to the extent that they do.
And it’s because of all this that you can probably find the reason that you sent your ex that email. Not because you were dissatisfied with the relationship you've found with this wonderful new man in your life, but because you wanted to see if it could be true.
Could love really conquer all?
Could he have possibly changed back to the man you once knew?
These are such romantic notions, Wanting, so filled with hope and belief in what we've been programmed to believe about true love. Anything else dims so much in comparison, even the love that’s real and true, and standing right in front of us.
It’s more than just time that changes this. It’s how willing we are to look at what’s real and look at what’s fantasy and see the difference between the two.
One loves us, one wants to be with us, one knows our worth. The other isn't there and doesn't know when it will ever be there and doesn't know what it’s missing because it’s not about that.
They’re two very different things.
Don’t give up what you have that’s real for something that’s only a fantasy of your own making, Wanting. Don’t make it something it isn't for some longing, some proof of a belief system that has nothing to do with either of you.
Let yourself be loved by someone who’s on the same page as you, who’s capable of loving you, who’s capable of committing himself to you. Don’t fall for the love story that only exists in our fantasies, fall for the real love that exists right in front of you in a beautiful place called reality.
It’s the only place that real, lasting love can ever be found.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts for our dear friend "Wanting to Let Go"? Please share them with us in the comments!
I want to give an update; I’m the original author is this post.
I never did hear from my ex again, and it’s been 6.5 years. His mother passed away just a few months after this post and he still never came back. He never once even reached out to contact me. He is married to someone else now and is starting a family with her. And you know what? I am TRULY happy for him!
As for me, the “new man” in my life — I married him this spring. We moved in together after 6 months of dating. Because both of us were reluctant about marriage, we lived together as boyfriend/girlfriend for 5 years. In that time we developed a rock solid relationship, have 2 super-fun kitties, and a gorgeous home. In April of this year, we got married. And the best part is, after 6.5 years of being with this man, I still feel like a newlywed. I’m crazy about him and he treats me like gold.
Thank you, Jane. Thank you to everyone who commented on my post. I still read these articles on an (almost) daily basis. Thank you for helping me see what was right in front of me. Much love to you all!!
So happy for you, Jennifer! Thanks for sharing - love hearing your story and the hope you inspire by sharing it here. Sending you all that love right back to you - there's a reason we go through the things we do!
These posts help me more than all you gals will ever know. It has ben 4 1/2 months now that I have been out of a 7 1/2 year relationship with a man I thought was my friend for over 20 years. The last 1 1/2 years after he his success he started being very evasive and verbally abusive. The last time I saw him was when he cussed me so bad and told me to get the ----out, etc., etc., I had always made excuses for his behavior previously saying he was just under pressure due to work loss, etc., and would never listen to family and friends because they "didn't know him". They knew exacty what I was in denial about. I was total delusional thinking his big money and success would make it all perfect-it made it worse. I heard on Oprah that how a person is poor is enhanced if they get rich and she was so right but it was even worse. After the last abuse episode, I packed up and left him. Right after the break up, I agreed to go to counseling with him but when it would be time to go he would back out and tell me to go fix myself and then we might could talk and maybe someone day I would understand. At that instant, I decided to go NO contact - I finally did understand perfectly. It was a month later after he had been with so many women that he started again calling and emailing saying he thinks of me 24/7 and is afraid of future without me. In fact, his daughter tells me he is dating someone and during those emails he took a lady to the mountains for a weekend. What is his point, how can he say all of this? I still have week moments of missing what could have been but I can' t imagine going back now after other women have been in the home we picked out together along with the furniture, furnishings, etc., I have met a new man who is absolutely so sweet and a real gentleman. He is retired from the Army, is so honest, calls me every day and make me laugh all the time. We have the nicest dinners and go to great concerts even though I have only been seeing him for a month he is so special. Is 4 months enough time for me before dating again? I would never want to hurt the guy I am seeing now-no one deserves to be a rebound but I honestly feel like my relationship with my ex was over long before it was over. Any advice is always loved and appreciated!!! I am 53 and I don't want to look back with any more regrets and my gut tells me my ex will never change but what if....
Annette
I'm so glad these are helping you through, Annette. Listen to your gut instinct; it's the closest voice you've got to your situation and it's the most accurate indicator of what's real and what's not. If the "what if" happens, you will absolutely be the first to know.
Hi Jane this post is an ideal time to give you an update of what's happening. I finally took the brave step and moved into my own unit which I have to say is awesome and it's much closer to work. As you may recall my partner with whom I was in a turbulent relationship for 4 years left me for the betterment of his 26 year d son and for the past 6 months saying he loves me and has made a mistake and wants us to try again. I have stood my ground and told him he has to do the work this time as I have come back to him time and time again. Anyway 2 weeks ago after your advice on previous posts I realised it's just words with him and I have to get on with my own life and stop living in limbo of his "promises" putting my life on hold and just existing ... I moved at the weekend and decided to send him a short message as I haven't heard from him in weeks, I just told him I have to let all this go and move on with my life because it hurts being in this relationship, his response was he knew what the outcome was going to be and he loves me but wishes me well. Today I've found out from a mutual friend that he's been seeing an old flame from years ago all the while telling me he wants me to join him! He's slept with another woman whilst we were together and I have no doubt he's done it again. It's taken over my thoughts today and I don't want to do this anymore!!!! He doesn't know I know and I've nearly txt him so many times today to let him know I know but I'm not sure it's a good idea .. I have made this change in my life and I know deep down its a good one but I'm going through all sorts of emotions at this moment and it's scary. I love the fact I can be REAL on here because I can't vent out with anyone because it's gone on too long
And now you are free, Sandy! You can hear this, and know that you chose you, that you did what you knew in your heart you needed to do for you, even before you learned the truth. You always know! Be so proud of yourself for being able to summon the strength to take that brave step and move into your awesome new home closer to your work, closer to your own life! Of course you have so many emotions at the moment with this new information. Stay with yourself, be with whatever you feel at the moment, but don't take anything on that isn't yours to take on. It doesn't matter if he knows or not; it doesn't matter if you have reason now to prove to him that you were right. None of that matters as much as this beautiful gift you've given to yourself of your own sweet freedom to be and choose and love the way you deserve to be loved with someone who would never, ever, even think of behaving like this with you. You can always be real here, Sandy, whatever you're going through. This is how we get through!
Thank you Jane and I truly mean that will all my heart. I've no idea what the future holds but I'm taking one day at a time. I believe God is in this and wether I feel it or not I'm going to be thankful everyday for His strength. This man has truly hurt me and robbed me of the person I was before I met him. I read posts from other women and it hits me my gosh I'm not alone ... Inspiring posts of women who we're fight where I am now but have found happiness that's encouraging .. I'm not a man hater I want to be in relationship but I just want to get it right this time ... My heart is broken but I'm going to live in hope and with the help and advice from you and all those beautiful women on here I'll get through this
So glad you're finding the support and inspiration here, Sandy. You're never alone in what you're going through, and there's always someone who's been there, who's come through on the other side. And so will you! 🙂
Jane-
This article is so relevant! I'm finding that in this day & age it is so hard to find someone who is really down and emotionally available.. Sometimes it's hard to see through the BS. I know I want someone who is caring, considerate, dependable, etc. But I haven't been able to find that.. Instead I find people who are not over their exes, consider me as a "friend," or maybe all of them want to sleep with me but not trying to make a lasting commitment. I am really confused- do you think everyone out there is just trying to get to get attention or something... One friend just said I want a "bitch" basically someone overly dependent. But I don't know, I just want someone who is kind and thoughtful and cares about my feelings. Do you think that's too much to ask?
I don't know if I'm still stuck in a fantasy...
It's a really hard one to get out of when there's so much support for the fantasy in our culture and the media with the overwhelming number of books, TV shows, and movies based on fairytales represented as real life. It takes many reality checks with ourselves checking in with what's real and what's the fantasy, before we get used to being able to tell the difference. You're so not alone, Kylie! 🙂
It's not too much to ask, Kylie! And you'll find that the more you focus on these qualities you want, the more you'll find them turning up in your life. It's when we lack that kind of clarity, or we're still struggling with what we deserve - that yes, we have a right to expect those kind of qualities in a man! - that we still find ourselves attracting the same types of men you're talking about here. And remember that your friends may mean well, but sometimes we can give their words or ideas too much weight when we're still discovering this new way of seeing for ourselves. It doesn't happen overnight, but in time, when you start expecting - and believing you deserve someone who is "really down to earth, emotionally available, caring, considerate, dependable, etc.", that's exactly what you'll come to find!
Hi there, probably what could I say to her is, enjoy the love and the. company of this great men you have now, life is too short to waste it on someone that's clearly not interested in you!! When you love, REALLY love someone you do whatever it takes to be with the one you love!! GOD, OR DESTINY, OR THE UNIVERSE, just helped you seeing now is hat he wasn't the right men for you!! We want a men able to support us on difficult times!! Bad days, he wasn't ready to commit, and his mother illness was an excuse to walk away from you!! Better now than after 10 years, and kids in the middle!! LET GO, little by little, and heal your heart, cause is the only way you're going to be in a happy~healthy relationship again!!! Good luck!!
So true, Araceli! Thank you for sharing your thoughts here so clearly.
I think it's normal to look back, we all do it. All the men who I have loved in my life still come to my mind once in a while. 5 months is a short time if you have been really hurt. Maybe it's too soon for you to feel love for a new person ... but whatever you do don't go back, it's over with your ex, very rarely can these thing be repaired. Focus on yourself and keep healing
Thank you for this, Laura.
Hi Jane! I just adore you.. with every topic you have is about me too. And yet I always have been friends with people I've gone out with but with a thought of maybe he'll see what they're missing but things were still the same just by talking to them. You were right.. that's just the fantasy and I should get over it! Still hoping that the right person will come and give me that feeling that I met my soulmate:)
Hi, Ellen
You just reminded me of myself with your comment: the whole hanging around because maybe they will realize I'm great and would want me as more than a friend eventually. Experience has taught me that it's not really how it works. I think now that I have to just accept that some men simply are not on the same page, no matter how much I would like them to be and no matter what I do, what I look like or what I say. It is a tough realization because for some reason our hearts linger there. For me it is fear. Fear of being alone like I have always been and it's core beliefs that keep me thinking maybe this is as good as it is ever going to get. I know now that we create our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs, so we must start walking towards what we want and have faith that it'll come to us. We must start changing detrimental beliefs into beneficial ones. It is a process, but even if I sometimes feel down, I know I am on my way.
Sorry I added an "n" to your name 😛
Thanks Angel! Glad to hear I'm not alone.
You're so sweet, Elle. Thank you! He will come, and it will be so much more than a feeling - and that's exactly how you'll know. 🙂
Thanks Jane! You don't know how much it means to me that someone like you can be here for everyone seeking advice, Hope to meet you in the future.. like if you're holding a meet-up or something to get together with your subscribers in different places that would be nice!:)
You're so welcome, Elle. And you've given me a great idea 🙂
Aww... please do so.. I think it will be a great hit for women and men as well when you travel, speak and how much you could relate with everyone!
Yes Jane should do this. Come to Europe too haha!
That would be awesome if she came to Europe... Close to Germany at least haha
oh, one day, I'll make this happen 🙂 It would be my absolute pleasure to sit down and talk for hours with you, Angel! 🙂
I'll be there one day, Maris, and we'll talk like there's no space and time between us! 🙂
It's on my list, Elle, I would enjoy this as much as everyone else! 🙂
I totally agree with u Jane. This girl is so lucky to have met someone else who wants her. After a long long time without a boyfriend, I met someone. He was two years out of a rel but still very angry. E clicked n I fell for him ven tho whendrunk he told me he wasnt into monogamy etc..yet when sober..pursued me. His father bcame ill briefly and his bh changed. He distanced himself n became secretive....I reacted badly as I had become attached which made him distance himself further. It ended badly I am so upset but if someone doesnt want to b with u.......I have to understand this and move on asap. I havent found someone else.
We do the best with what we know at the time, Carol. Don't be so hard on yourself; you found out what was really there - and what wasn't - and now you know more and can move on to find someone who will be right for you.
Love waking up to this! It's what I needed to read. Wanting, you're not alone. We battle letting go because of the fantasy vs reality dilemma. Jane is so on point with this and you are very fortunate to have found someone else who adores you. Focus on what is in front of you, the now which shows you the reality of things. This ex already proved he is unavailable, so no use in holding on to a dream that is only yours and not his. As Oprah said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time". I do believe time heals but it's also in the essence of how we think and live our lives without anyone's permission. We only have one life, breathe it, enjoy it, and not waste another second on any doubts of "what if" "what could have" live in the beautiful now while building on a beautiful future with the person on the same page as you. I owe so much of this clarity from my breakup struggle to Jane! she is like a soul sister I never met! <3 🙂
Beautifully said, Darlene. And thank you so much for your kind words; you have no idea how much you inspire me! 🙂
Hi Wanting,
I was very touched by your story. I am in a similar emotional conundrum. As much as I don't want to believe what Jane advises, I'm afraid it's true. I recently ended a year long relationship with a wonderful man. We got along famously in all aspects of our life together. I am 45 he is 38, just for the record. We had similar paying jobs, lived in the same city, enjoyed the same things. Made plans all the time. Some came to fruition...others did not. We both didn't want children. We talked of moving in together. Seemed like a dream come true. He also had the responsibility of caring for his paraplegic father, which certainly took it's toll on our time together. As we grew closer his father grew more demanding and our relationship began to become more distant. Many nights I would cry myself to sleep wondering why I was so low on his emotional totem pole. We talked about this issue and I discovered that, although he wanted a deep committed emotional relationship with me, he just couldn't give any more of himself. We have since split up, agreeing that although we both cared for each other very much we were just not on the same page emotionally at that time. It's been weeks and I still feel like it's not completely over. I catch myself hoping that he'll miss me so much and realize what he's thrown away and come back to me hopelessly in love and do whatever is necessary to make a lasting life together...but the level headed person inside me sees that this is just a fantasy. We've been brain washed by "Romantic Comedies" and "Walt Disney" films into believing that love conquers all...but it's simply not true. You're very lucky to have found another man with whom you can share your life with. Don't be blinded by the "happily ever after" myth. Love this new man of yours because not everyone gets a second chance at love.
"I catch myself hoping that he'll miss me so much and realize what he's thrown away and come back to me hopelessly in love and do whatever is necessary to make a lasting life together...but the level headed person inside me sees that this is just a fantasy." - That's the part that matters, Still Holding On; the fact that any part of you "sees this is just a fantasy"! Don't discount how huge it is that you're seeing this for what it is. It's how we get to where we want to be. It's not that there's anything "wrong" with holding onto hope of what might happen if someone comes around on their own and realizes this, it's what we do to ourselves when we wait and forget to live our own lives apart from anything that he "might" eventually see or do.
I understands what happend. In a way it's true that we all have this fantasies that love can conquer it all and that it does excist! That we will find that love story that will wipe us off our feet. Then when we do meet a guy that takes is to that love story we are happy and really think this it!!! I found love BUT when it ends for whatever X reason coming from that guy we fell for, we crash, we split , we start the healing with no contact etc... Though the dilemma is... Have you heard when people tell you follow your guy feeling? Yes that deep inside voice that usually it's 99% right when it comes to any decision we take in life? Yes when that voices tells you fight for him, this is not over, this is your desteny, he is the one! What do we do then? Some girls just stop, date someone else, lives goes on... bUT there's still that guy feeling telling you he's the one! WTF are you doing? Have hope! So when that happened to me Insay well it's just wrong timming. If it's for me it will return to me, it could be days, months or years but it will return. Though what usually happens is that IT DoEs return but perhaps not in the same guy. It could be the next guy you will meet or the one after but it will come back as strong than the other guy you could not let go goes out of your head and is nowhere to be found because IT DOESNT matter! You got the love back and that's what we always wanted. Also keep in mind only infurfilled love can be romantic 😉
Love how you put this, Valeria. Thank you!
Yes, fantasy.. Maybe you have a desire inside of you for someone to love you deeper.
Maybe your ex gave you that feeling & security..
Which is totally normal to think about the old times. Sometimes "great" love
Happends.. And sometimes they go.
What I have learned is that you have to know who you are and what you want.
Because if your not satisfied with something, don't go searching outside.
Look inside. The thing is not to act out of fear.
If you have doubts with the new man. Think about him & does he make you happy.
Don't be like "i can still go to my ex" ...
It can make the new man go away. Be carefull.
The question is: what will make you happy?
Great question, Maris. It's always about what you can live with and what you can't, and what makes you happy! (No, it's never selfish to put your own happiness first, regardless of what we've been led to believe about that. With where we've been and what we've been through, it's essential!)
It sounds like a painful place to be, but hun, you've done the hardest part and you've been lucky enough to have met another lovely guy who actually loves you and wants to be with you. Try to properly let go and enjoy what is real, here and now. X
"...enjoy what is real, here and now". Yes, exactly!
I was in exactly the same situation. Time is of essence. I have found love again, the best, I never give my ex a second thought and we were together 26yrs. I think its part of the healing process. Reality will eventually hit you. The pain is excrutiating, the good news is, it passes. Find an outlet to channel your thoughts and energy. If you dont have strong feelings for your new friend, its fine, maybe he is not the one for you. You will definitely fall in love again, this time, more deeply.
You give me hope! thank you1
Thank you for sharing, Shanti, and inspiring us all. It is all apart of our own healing process that looks different for every one of us.
I know about the wanting and it can stop you dead in your tracks. What I am doing is focusing on myself and telling myself is that the man that is meant for me will come. It's hard after the relationship ended so abruptly but try to stay positive and focus on the future. You're taking major steps by talking it out with Jane. Good luck.
"What I am doing is focusing on myself and telling myself is that the man that is meant for me will come." That's exactly how you'll get there, Shawn. It's in that clarity of knowing who you really are and what you're really looking for that brings you exactly that. Thank you for sharing!
Wow great message Jane. Exactly what is needed. We are so diluded about true love. Appreciate this. Our mind plays tricks. We have to focus on who is here now, its only fair for both. Not fair on the new person when he is giving and someone is looking at their past who just left without any consideration. This shows his character. Yes we all make mistakes. But in a partnership, problems, milestones, highs and lows, for richer for poorer should be shared together.
Exactly, Realist!
I think this is good advice, and I think or suspect validates what wanting to let go deep down knows to be true. I wonder if the amount of pain and suffering and doubt over the breakup of a relationship is proportional to the amount of work and commitment to that relationship...do people who go all in end up hurting more when it all goes down the drain? If so, perhaps explains what can make it so hard to move on?
They do, Wayne. The more giving, loving, caring, feeling we are, the more we feel the pain of the ending. But the key is never to change ourselves, it's simply to take things slower, to hold tight to our beautiful selves until we've gotten to know someone well enough to know that they're worth what we give, how we love, how much we care, and how incredibly we feel.
The mind tricks us into holding onto false hope. One must commit to being clear of it.
So true, Jackie. Thank you!