You can’t be the only one who dreams a dream for two.
You can’t be the only one doing all the work, waiting for his calls, taking care of him, putting his needs first like you do.
You can’t be the only one lending all the support, always there for him, giving your heart and soul.
It can't be this one-sided.
It has to come from him, too.
This isn't how it’s meant to be, it’s not how it’s meant to feel. This aloneness; this feeling of being more alone with someone than how you’d feel on your own.
You can’t keep giving like you do, keep sacrificing like you do, keep focusing on him and what he’s thinking and what he needs, while accepting so little in return like you do.
Are you seeing this?
One-sided relationships never, ever work because they simply can’t. You can’t be the only one in a relationship meant for two. There has to be two people, on the same page, who want the same thing – with each other – to make this work. There is no other way.
It goes against everything we know to be true, deep down in our hearts, to believe anything different. We want to look beyond what everyone else can see. We want to excuse away everything we know to be true. He’s stressed, he’s going through a lot right now, he’s been hurt before, he’s had a rough childhood, he’s going through a lot right now.
Yes, and yes and yes. But what about you?
You see, we do these one-sided relationships so well that we don’t even recognize when they’re happening to us – again. They've become our pattern, our MO, our habitual response when we’re in a relationship with someone that we can’t tell them apart from the real thing.
They give us that familiar sense of butterflies in our stomachs which we view as a positive thing instead of the reality that it’s really anxiety from not knowing where we stand. It keeps us on our toes, performing all that much more, trying to show and do and be everything we think we’re supposed to do to bring about the happy ending we so want it to be.
But it’s not our role to make this happen. We can’t do it on our own.
If he’s not meeting you there, if he’s not right there with you participating as much as you are, it’s happening again.
When you put yourself out there, do you get anything back?
After that great conversation that you initiated, does he ever follow up? Does he call you or text you back?
Or is it just more space, more silence, more of a reminder that you’re the only one?
It’s that space that tells you how far apart you really are.
It’s that silence that speaks volumes.
See it. Listen for it. It’s how you know.
very true ONE SIDED LOVE NEVER WORKS..
t's been a month since he left me without closure and reasons I still crying, hoping hurting, but I realize that I don't want to be with him again in this kind of LOVE .. I know deep in my heart that I'm a good person and someday at the GODS TIMING there still a man who loves me unconditionally not a one way LOVE..
Ms. Jane, thanks you very much step by step a little tiny step to forward my life is a big help to see again the beauty inside and outside of me:)
Now in a single step I try to focus myself on my health, study, family and work. I don't want to overanalzing myself.
I'm so glad you're seeing this for yourself, Kristine - the beauty inside and outside of you - because that's exactly what true beauty is - the essence of you! Don't worry about how long it takes or try to rush the gentle process of getting to know who you really are and all that you have to offer. We can be so hard on ourselves, over-analyzing and critiquing ourselves like we do, accept this part of you too. In time, there will be less of the analyzing and more of the accepting of the beautiful woman you are.
Hi Jane! Thanks for sharing! I always say I'll see for myself if he's the one till you've spent time with him not realizing it's a one-sided relationship esp when it comes to communication with his excuses of being busy working.. how much time should I give this person?
It's different for all of us, Elle. We all have our own limits to how long we're willing to wait to see if anything changes or if we have enough proof that things are the way they are because this is simply how someone else wants it to be. Some wait days, some months, some years. It's all about what you can live with and what you can't. In the case of someone being busy with work, is it a temporary situation due to a special project, or does he enjoy working so much that he has chosen to spend more time working than with you? If this is the case, it becomes a matter of priorities, and you will need to decide if being with someone like this who puts work ahead of spending time with you is worth what else you're getting out of being in a relationship with him. A letter I answered from a reader wondering if her expectations were reasonable may give you some added insight to your own situation.
My best advice in this type of situation is always to shift your focus on creating a life for yourself so full so that you're not so dependent on what someone else does or doesn't do for your happiness. But of course, I understand that being on the same page as someone and wanting to have a real relationship is such a priority for all of us. In time, you'll always know. But what that time frame looks like is always about you.
Hi Jane,
Your posts always come along at the perfect time! This was me for 5 years until I ended the relationship in March 2014. You hit the nail on the head when you talked about the butterflies but in fact it's actually anxiety! I remember waiting for him every day to get home from work (I worked from home) and I'd see him coming through the gate and I'd get butterflies. I thought at the time it was because I was excited to see him and that he was home. But I honestly think now it was anxiety. Would he be in a good mood or not? Was he happy with how I had conducted my day or not? Would he be looking forward to going out that night or not? I was always anxious because I never knew where I stood with this guy. He promised me the world, bought a beautiful family home, promised me children, said all the right things but no action whatsoever and I just kept giving him the excuses you mention above. He's really stressed out, he had a rough upbringing, he's got problems at work with his team etc… I kept putting myself last again and again and again. Until I realised that I was getting older and was going to miss the chance to have children if I stayed with him. So I left. The hardest decision I have ever made because I was comfortable and I wanted 'a return on investment'. I think that's why so many of us stay. We have such beautiful hearts and we are so compassionate that we invest our all. So we want a pay off! The first week I was in the new home after I left him, I noticed the butterflies had gone. I couldn't believe how much I had this daily anxiety which I just got used too for so many years thinking I was doing the right thing supporting him. Now I wake up and always almost the first thought that comes to mind is, I don't have to worry anymore, I left him, its over. The daily anxiety is gone.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Sarah. We've been led to believe that it's those butterflies that make it the real thing, but you're so right, it's the anxiety from not knowing where you stand, from sensing somewhere deep in your heart that you're the only one who feels the way you do, yet hoping, wishing, waiting for some little ray of hope.
"Now I wake up and always almost the first thought that comes to mind is, I don't have to worry anymore, I left him, its over. The daily anxiety is gone." - Exactly!
Hi, Jane. This post hit home. And it just so happened to be sent to me at the perfect timing. I had yet another rough weekend because I haven't been able to let go of someone who has me as a sidekick and doesn't even respect me at all. As I laid on his bed with massive headache and still hurt from the night before, I said to myself: you can't keep doing this. It's enough. Enough with feeling the need to be there for him because he's going through a rough patch. Enough with letting him ignore me when I am right there for him. This time, he disappeared on me three times at the club to talk and god knows what else with some sleazy drunken girl who didn't even care he was with me at the club. I know he is not my boyfriend, but I find that disrespectful even for friendship standards. I felt so sad I have been doing this to myself for so long. Putting myself through hell when I already know I don't deserve it. Sometimes it hurts so much to want something that's just never going to be what we'd like it to be. I really care too much about him, but I am ready to give up on trying to fit in where I just simply don't belong.
It's how we all get there, Angel. It's the only way most of us come to see what we're meant to see so that we can change these patterns of what we do to ourselves over and over again. Love yourself through this process, accept that you're seeing more today than you saw yesterday, and eventually it will become even clearer. In our own time, by allowing ourselves to do what we feel we need to do, by accepting ourselves with compassion and acceptance for exactly where we are, we get there in a way that's real, that's true, that's authentically you!
Dear Jane.
I did not have experienced this. I have with my ex, wanting to see if it would become a friendship.
But even in friendships there should be a call back or
Something. Indeed to much silence or space, is a reminder that the person who ever it is.
Has not made time for you. To text or call you. Or to come and have a coffee etc.
In my expierence there are many reasons why somebody does not call or text. I have learned not to make up
A excuse why "he" or "she" has not contacted. Let him or he let you know!
In dating and love i find it gentleman like if a guy responds. If it had become this game or
Some kind of strategy.. I find the guy then childish. Why in the world do I want to waist time
Playing games to get attention/sex.
I have discovered i have waisted a lot of time investing in playing mouse and cat through the phone...
My best friend even encouraged me !
Now the question is. Am I overreacting because I do not want to play games so I can get sex and dates?
Is there something wrong with me?
There isn't anything wrong with you, Maris. You are talking about the only way a real relationship can be - real, no games, with two people on the same page, where give and take is mutual, where there is an easy flow that doesn't feel anything like a game. But of course your friend encouraged you to play because we're so programmed that this is the way it's done. But you know where that road leads, as you say you discovered how much of your time was wasted investing in those kinds of games. Let your own truth speak for itself. It's never about "playing hard to get", it's about being hard to get. That difference is so important. Because being your true self is the only way you'll know if someone is truly right for you in all the very real ways that matter.
Thank you for your reaction. It really made me think today!
Better to stay true to myself & be myself. Not just playing games
Or acting in a way..
Good article.
"You know that your happiness doesn't depend on him choosing you. You have already chosen yourself."
I love this sentence, so true!
Yes maybe it is programmed or a lazy way of thinking. Let's just date and
Have casual physical dates. I don't know why. But I am in a period where I
Feel that I would love to date and get to know a guy. Really date & have fun.
Only the thing is I am kind of sometimes dissapointed that I still have not met a
Guy or he has me...
In a way it is a an adventure... Only I am impatient..
And then when girlfriend kind a seduces you to date for attention.
I can sit a table and see the guy, and feel like... "I would really want a guy to
Get to know me" ...
Grrrrrr
So glad this helped, Maris. It is so true!
that article sounds like me last year, i remember n still do having the 1 sided r-ship last year, when i met this guy he became interested n i was interested in him at the beginning, i only saw him 2x last sep n i was shy at first txting him n he said don't be shy, in oct i went crazy n he was a busy bee n saying his work,musical gigs & sport was holding him back, i wanted to see him more last october but he kept postponing our meetings 7x coz work was holding him back, he used to be like telling me "i will talk to u 2nite at 10pm" until last nov he said idk when i will want to talk to u n he said "i'll give u a txt when we will txt next" n everyday i kept sending a txt saying "when will we talk next,how was your day" he would say things like "its good, i'll let you know" i know sep - dec is his busy months. in feb he ended the friendship n when he said don't reply back to this msg i was like i wish he didn't end the friendship coz nothing happened to me n him so i left him alone n gave him birthday msg n he says thanks.... and i plan to give him Xmas n New Years greetings on 22/12/14 and if he hasn't added me on fb i will add him 9/01/2015. i made a action plan on it. what gets me nervous is questions like Will he reply back to my simple xmas greetings & will he accept me on fb or will end up being like this january where he kept declining it? when i left him alone feb - jul my friend who's mutual asks me if i heard from him, am i watching him play in the park n she gets on my nerves. the other day she tagged him n with 11 others n i commented on her post on her r-ship struggles with her bf who's someone else n i commented 15x n she commented 23x and i panicked saying to myself i hope this guy deletes my mutual friend who's being talking silly n stupid n weird n i hope he adds me n idk if he has read my comments but my heart says he has, i have a dream he will add me n give me a txt.
when i gave him txt half the time he wouldn't reply my txts n 1 time he said he would talk 1 fri nite on fb n i was left waiting for him to come online n used to txt him "what happened to u last nite" he would say "i forgot, i went to bed early or i went out last nite, so sorry"
idk what will a 2nd chance friendship will last if he does accepts me on fb next year n gives me simple Xmas fb msg back. is it worth a 2nd channce friendship if the 1st chance didn't last. my mum thinks he still remembers me. he's the sort of the guy who's been at the back of my mind
It's always in the space you give someone that you find out where they stand, Courtney. Does he come close the space by reaching out to you to make up that space, or does he allow that space to be exactly the way you leave it because it's what he's comfortable with? That's how you know. Actions always speak so much louder than any words we may hear, or any excuses that are spoken. Someone's behavior always tells us the way that it really is.