I've gotten several questions about how to let a guy know that you like him, that you want to be more than friends, and that you're interested in a romantic relationship with him, so I wanted to delve into that today.
This is the kind of situation where you already know him, maybe you have mutual friends or you work together, and you're just trying to figure out how to let him know you like him. That you want to be more than friends.
As we all know, this is a bit of a sticky situation. On the one hand, you want to let him know that you find him attractive and that you're interested, but on the other hand you also know that you'll be seeing him again, and you may not want to risk being rejected and feeling embarrassed every time you run into each other in the hallway or at a party.
Here's the thing. If he's interested in you, he's probably feeling the same way – maybe even more so. He may be feeling very nervous about asking you out or letting you know about his feelings also, and for the same reasons.
So what's a girl to do?
The only way to handle this without risking taking a devastating shot to your self-esteem is to remember one word:
Subtle
But what does that really mean? And how subtle is too subtle? It's that tricky balance between being too coy and being overly flirtatious.
Here are three simple things you can do that will convey the message that you're interested in being more than friends to all but the most oblivious of men:
Touch him
As human beings we all crave being touched. It gives us that sense of being connected to others, that sense of bonding.
I'm not talking about sexual touching, but things like simply touching his forearm when you're talking to him, or putting your hand lightly on the side of his shoulder when you laugh at his joke. A little bit of touch goes a long way, and in these hurried modern times, we can all use more than we're getting.
Of course the opposite it also true – don't overdo this one, because as I said, a little goes a long way. I would say a few touches over a thirty minute period is plenty to let him know you're interested.
Compliment him
A well timed compliment can really send him message that you like him as more than a friend - but keep in mind, the same thing applies here – you don't want to over do this one or you'll come off as a bit too obvious or desperate.
It's all in the delivery – make sure you feel confident and that you're feeling good about your own attractiveness. Make sure you're feeling fairly sexy and desirable, and that you know that you're the one doing the choosing.
Then give him a compliment that's subtly obvious that you don't mean it in a friendly way. For example, if you like the shirt he has on you can say something like "That shirt's very sexy" as opposed to "I really like your shirt". Or tell him that he really knows how to make you laugh, and follow up with something like " a good sense of humor is very attractive".
Flirt with him
But just a little. If you're out with a group, and you're standing near him, lean in to him to say something to him that's just meant for him – maybe you're people watching and want to point out a couple and you lean in to him and ask him if he thinks they're on a first day or if they've been dating for a while. You're not really whispering, but you're leaning in to him and quietly saying something like "What do you think their story is – first date?" It works well to couple this with touching his forearm while you ask (see number 1 above).
This does two things – brings him closer to you (he can smell you, he gets that feeling of closeness, and you're touching him) and also puts the idea of a date in his mind. It's also playful, like a game to see if you can figure out who's on a date in the room and who's not, which is always flirty and fun.
Remember to smile and make eye contact, and of course keep reminding yourself that you aren't sure if he's the right guy for you (this will keep you from getting too nervous – after all, you're still not sure if you really want to be with him or not).
If, after trying these subtle techniques, he still doesn't get the hint and ask you out on a date, then he's either not interested in you, he's interested in someone else more than you, he's already taken, or he's not interested in women in general.
There's also an outside chance that he's so painfully shy that he's still too nervous to ask you out. I don't generally recommend this, but if you're pretty sure this might be the case (and you like the quiet, reserved type who errs on the side of caution), then go ahead and just tell him that you're interested, or ask him out yourself. There are rare occasions where this happens and the relationship works out, but just be prepared that you might not get the answer you're hoping for.
The key is to put yourself out there and give him enough subtle hints to let him know you're interested without becoming the initiator to the extent that all he has to do is respond. If he's interested, he'll want to pursue you, to convince you that he's worth your time and energy, and he'll respect the fact that you're confident enough in who you are and what you have to offer that you're willing to give him the go ahead to show some interest too, without worrying about being rejected himself.
Remember not to take his response - or lack of one - personally. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do in response to your subtly letting him know you're interested, what he does with this is always about him and his preferences and are no reflection on you - or your self-worth!
Just like you don't want everyone who approaches you, you too only want to be with someone who wants to be with you.
How about you - what do you think is the best way to let him know you like him? Tell us in the comments!
Dear Jane,
Thx for the article! It helped me to understand a few things I didn't knew before.
This guy is confusing me - we used to talk together alot, and we are working together - suddenly he slowed down, and I was looking at him as a friend in the beginning. But now when I reflect about the phonecalls every day, more than 3 times talking and many hours after - I started to doubt about our relationship.
He slowed down and I was so used to hear his voice in tje morning and even before we slept, so ofc. I asked him what was wrong and he never told me. We had a huge fight and we both hurted each other - and as a result all communication stopped between us. Even when we met each other in public we wouldn't say hi or talk.
And the teasing part in your article, oh God - he always tease me no matter whos around us, and sometimws I want to hit him but not in a harsh way lol. I thought he hated me ... I haven't met a guy that could tease a girl so much.
A few days ago I was in a kind of trouble, and I received a message from him, and he wrote that he would follow me to the place - and make sure nothing harm will happen to me. I was SO surprised and HAPPY.
I feel a little like I have got him back in my life, and sometimes when we talk I tend to hold his scarf or clothes when I want to make a statement. .. but Im still confused why can't he just not admit his feelings ? Im too scared to think about him in any other ways than a friend, but if he only knew how much my heart beats when he is in front of me. I think Im into him too.. but all these stuff makes it hard to figure it out. What can I do more to be sure about him ?
Jane,
There is this guy! He is about 4 and a half years older than me! I need help to let him know I like him without actually letting him know. I also want to know if he likes me. I'm kindove head-over-heals for him!
With every experience I have had, I have always been open minded and hearted exited thinking this may work out. But it hasn't and that's fine as they weren't meant to be and I am glad. But what I find I still suffer with is anxiety, during the getting to know part. I was in a long relationship as long time ago where we were honest and sincere and genuine. Since then the dating world threw me, as I don't like it one bit. But hey I tried it and not for me, and still meet people through natural ways. How do I get over the anxiety. Its the communicating part. I am fine when we meet up, its the texting and waiting for calls. I DO NOT ENTERTAIN GAMES, but maybe more in my head. I know you have to be authentic, but I kill myself over do I wait to contact and once he contacts me, maybe as I a m scarred from the dating gaming world. Trying to realise its all in my head, I do not know this person and its ok to get in touch. maybe as every other experience hasn't worked out, I also sometimes have that little fear in the back of my mind, which says this may not work out too. I KNOW THOUGHTS ARE NOT REAL. Can you advise about anxiety and overthinking please
Hi realist,
I have the same exact problem. I haven't really dated much, I tried online dating but I didn't like it one bit. It's too much pressure and maybe because of it you may not get to see if the person is worth getting to know better. I also feel more comfortable meeting people organically. But then I have also realized I have major anxiety issues. I think it is because I care way too much about what others think of me, and the root of that little problem is huge. Maybe you can try figuring out what the root cause of your anxiety is. In my case, I discovered it's because I don't believe in myself and I think I am not good enough which I know now is not true but I am working on changing my beliefs. It is quite difficult because I catch myself thinking too much whenever I meet someone. I am trying right now to just stop looking for someone and start working on my self esteem, which has been shattered since I was a child and failed attempts to have a relationship have finished the job. I am not sure I know who I am anymore and I think that is one bigger problem than not having a boyfriend. That explains why I keep being attracted to men who also don't know what they want and since I stick around trying to make them like me, you can imagine how it all ends up: with me beating myself up because I am not good enough. It is a vicious circle. I am now trying to get myself back up again by just cutting contact with the last guy who ended up getting mad at me after he treated me like a disposable washrag. I think I have had enough of this torture and I guess I have to go it alone from now on. I am feeling somehow relief about being alone with no contact than alone hanging around waiting for someone who simply cannot like me back. Picking up the pieces here and I feel so exhausted that maybe it is better if I just try to find myself on my own.
I guess my advice to you is: Ask yourself why you want a relationship and no, the answer to that question is not that obvious if you really sit down and think about it and if you are gut-wrenching honest with yourself. You'll be surprised by what you can find. Try to figure out what it means to you or why you are so afraid of ending up alone. Face that fear, flat out to find your answer. Once you get to the bottom of it, you can take better actions to make your life better. It is definitely not an easy process, I can tell you that. But it is one way of getting out of this never ending story of finding Mr. Wrong every single time you try to find Mr. Right. Also another exercise you can do is analyze each and every man you have obsessed over finding your patterns and looking at your family dynamic throughout your life. That sheds a big light on why you are where you are. There is nothing wrong with us. We have to reprogram our minds and reevaluate what we're doing. No man can be more imporant to you than yourself. Lots of love to you.
Thanks angel. I do not believe in a lot of the western world self esteem theories. To be honest I do not have self esteem issues. I know my anxiety stems from with every experience I have hope thining this could be the one, and have been let down as the guys either wanted one thing or quit. They have left due to be essence of honesty. So I know its not me. I just know soon as I get introduced to a guy. I am fine meeting them, but I guess nothing has lasted more than 8 weeks for the last few years, I just get anxiety. I know i gave , i was honest and genuine. But i guess its that fear what may happen or could this end again. I just miss having a consistent stable partner, with my long term relationship was healthy and sincere and love. No issues like now. I just tell myself give and let go, and whatever happens will happen and that's how its meant to be, as long as i am honest to myself. AHH just hate the overthinking and waiting around.
Good Advice Angel. I know for sure it is better to first look at yourself.
I too want then a boy. But i get anxious like "when then" , but the again have to remind myself.
Who and why must I have a boyfriebd in order to feel good, to feel normal. What is this
Anxiety. I am 28 y not 81 . Maybe sometimes we want too much too soon.
I think the key is to be wise & patience. Our time will come. Let's enjoy also this path
Of self discovery. As hard as it is somedays, where you just want to go too bed and sleep like
A bear.
Bless you.
You are using old strategy; thinking, doubting... Taking the old path.
For me it was eating, having casual dates even when I knew they were not even fun, being lazy or too busy etc.
Old habbits..because is easy in a way.
To be truly honest towards your self. It will scare you! Scared me! I even now somedays want to go
Back to old habits. Pffff but then in a long term goal( hapinnes, loose weight, be a kind women) it will
Bring me more to work for it. To just keep going , making new habits.
When there is a thought i say now " hey is this usefull this overthinking" if it is not positive. I say
"Bye bye"
So choose a new strategy. It is kind of brainwashing yourself . But i can not lie, for me it takes energy to
Do it.
I hope Jane inspires u
I just DONT* want to sit back and wait to be chosen..(that's what I meant ;))
Exactly, Darlene. You're the one who's doing the choosing; by living your life, being yourself, seeing who shows up and not worrying if they don't initiate with you. Someone who's truly interested won't think twice about letting you know he'd like to get to know you better; and I'm pretty sure you'd pick up on that in spite of his being shy!
Thanks Jane! I don't think I am comfortable now that you bring that up. I guess I wanted him to get a little hint of interest, but it feels like I'm falling into finding a replacement/rebound -big no no! Just felt good to crush on someone new other than my ex who doesn't deserve my feelings. Plus I find myself obsessing with ways to make interaction with him which makes me realize I could potentially be setting myself up for the same scenario. I guess if he's interested he will talk to me. I just want to sit back and "wait to be chosen" and expect someone to fall in my lap so I get confused on how I should and can start things without looking desperate.
"I guess if he's interested he will talk to me" - Exactly, he will. He knows how to find you 🙂
Hi Jane! Random question lol is it too much to send him a friend request on FB? We work together but he seems shy and busy most of the time to attempt any convo.
If you're comfortable with it, then go ahead Darlene. It's really about what your expectations are and what it means to you and how much a part of what you do on Facebook you want him to be a part of. But the short answer is, "no - it's not too much." 🙂
Hi, I have a friend that is confused because this guy has been communicating with her
for seven months thru text messages and rarely on the phone. He says their
Platonic friends but he constantly shows concerned as to her everyday whereabouts.
He says he's not interested but always wants to know if she finds him attractive.
So, does he really like her or what?
It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, Cynthia. She's confused because he's confused himself and that's why he's giving some mixed signals. He also sounds like he has his own insecurities, and this is why he would want to know if she finds him attractive; it's about him, not her. I would suggest she save herself the time and energy of analyzing the relationship and either enjoy it for what it is, or admit to herself what she wants it to be and decide for herself whether she can live with it the way it is. But most importantly, believe someone when they say they're not interested. If they were, they would want her to know. Hope this helps!
He's just going through a tough time. Maybe he's confused about himself. Tell your friend forget him.
Thank you, Straightup. It's true that usually when we're confused, it's because he's confused too. 🙂
Jane,
How can I be happy when I'm single without worrying about searching for Mr. Right? I'm not desperate, but sometimes I feel that maybe I am desperate for fear of loneliness. I am 17, and with a lot of years about passing me by, I fear that within those years that men will just pass right by me, and not even know I even exist. :'( Give me your best advice.
Learn to love yourself first, Desiree, before even thinking about Mr. Right. That's how everything else starts to fall into place. When you learn to fill your own cup first, what someone else does or doesn't do won't matter because you'll know you have your own life and you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you!
"you may not want to risk being rejected and feeling embarrassed"
I was hoping that you clear up something for me Jane. I was reading your advice to someone a few days ago and she was down because of the same rejection. you made a point to her that rejection has nothing to do with her etc and that we are truly never rejected. So when you make a statement like this in an article, it may confuse some of us like me....
If she or others who sought advice on rejection were to read this, I'm guessing they would have serious doubts or wouldn't know what to do with the advice you gave them. thanks for your insight!
Rejection is never about us, Kate, and yet this is one of the hardest things for so many of us to understand because we've been believing the opposite - that it has everything to do with us! - and taking each and every rejection personally for most of our lives. So when I say "you may not want to risk being rejected and feeling embarrassed", it's because I know the reality of any advice we hear. It takes awhile for it to sink it. Someone else's words are rarely our own from the first time we hear them, from the first time we're shown a new truth, a new way of seeing, a new way of questioning the deeply ingrained belief systems most of us hold. It takes our own unique timeline before we make them our own.
And so while this is new, while we're getting our heads around these new ways of seeing ourselves and the ways we're so used to buying into without a second thought, we don't need any more opportunities to practice this new way of seeing rejection. We don't need to do this to ourselves anymore than we've already done. It's about weighing the possible responses with where we're at and what our self-confidence and our delicate self-esteem can handle. So many of you have been through so much already, you have to weight for yourself whether you can see any possible rejection for what it is - two people who aren't truly compatible, who aren't on the same page, who aren't willing to make that happen.
I hope that helps clarify my point, Kate; let me know if I can clarify this any further.
When I was with the last guy there was this thing where we were interested in each othe for 2 months, in October he kept postponing our meetings n I wanted to see him more than 2x a week and I was feeling obsessed with him. I always given him a compliment when he did something n he said thank u. Sometimes I hope he comes back to me. When I 1st met him he gave me a hug on the back. 1 time I went to the movies with him n he was fidgeting with his fingers n I was still talking but he didn't n I thought why is he doing this, is he shy etc. when the movie finished I wanted to have a drink with him but he had to be somewhere for rehearsals n I was like why? Can't he leave his rehearsals. When he came back he went online n said " did get home ok with ur mum" I said yes. Sometimes his excuses can be work n who does window cleaning for businesses n that it can hold him up, sometimes I felt like saying can u do ur cleaning another day n he's part musician, if I like a shy guy I would talk to him, get close to him n won't stop thinking about him. When he deleted me from Facebook 31/12/13 I why did he delete me, did I do anything wrong, did I scare him away n tried to get the mutual friends to answer for me n he still deletes my mutual friends on FB. Right now he's only have 1 mutual friend who's a girl I know who I get along with n she's already got a bf n is struggling to see him n her bf n her live 3 hours apart n want to be together whilst she's apart with her bf she talks to the guy I like even tho she has a bf, she gossips about the guy I like n she could gossip about me to him, idk whether how he would feel n I thought if she gossiped about me to him then I bet he will unfriendly her n add me on Facebook. Sometimes she tags her bf, me n the guy in half of her posts which i think she could scare him away, I met this guy 1st n still has his number, idk if he's still blocked or unblocked my number. I feel like I'm in the middle of me on 1 side, my friend n her BF in the middle which I know and the guy I like is on the other side.
Uuuu i like this article makes me feel excited to test your theory! 🙂
I went this week on 3 dates! It's a personal record. After 3 months online dating , finally
I am getting some dates and just talking and drinking...
I think the best way is to listen to him and have a relaxed atmosphere.
And making it seem like a inter view.
Also put a outfit on which makes u feel like a hot lady. That you feel good in
And sexy. I mean sexy that you like who you are and how you move.
What happens was that a guy I talked to and dated once. Was saying stuff like
Why do you date and don't do just se*. I said I am not that type of women. I like to date to get to know someone.
Now he got a little attitude like "your weird girl" vibes.
I responded neutral and said bye
But how come there was something small inside me saying ... Maybe you are weird for being so
Picky... I get in this doubt am I damn picky 🙁 ..
Then again I think, this man just wanted to push my buttons so I would sleep with him.
Jane how to deal with jerks that make you doubt your own healthy list for a good guy?
I so hear you, Maris. It's all about our boundaries. We have to first know what they are and why we're making them - in essence, what we are and aren't willing to live with - so that we can become confident in them.
If we look to others to validate them, to "approve" of them or make us feel like we have every right to have them, we'll find the opposite is true.
You have every right to be your own type of woman, to choose what you want and what you don't - regardless of what someone says or thinks about it - and what they they say always is about them and not you. What better reason to make themselves feel better about their own boundaries - and behaviors - then by picking apart yours!
Accept that everyone has a right to their own opinions and beliefs, Maris, and then walk on by with your head held high. You handled this beautifully yourself.
Someone who you actually want to date won't behave like a "jerk" with you, regardless of whether he agrees with what you say or don't say. And remember, too, that you never have to explain yourself in the first place. Looking forward to hearing more, Maris; I'm excited for you!
Dear Jane,
Thank you for your reaction! Really insightful and inspiring.
I am getting to know myself and I now date just for fun on a
Friendship kind of way. Which makes me feel comfortable. I can flirt a little ,
But if I don't feel like it , I don't .
sometimes before a date I have to read my boundaries and say to myself
"Why do you want to date"?
This helps.
"Accept that everyone has a right to their own opinions and beliefs, Maris, and then walk on by with your head held high. You handled this beautifully yourself.
"
It's true I have to accept and deal with it. This is a lesson I think it takes a whole life time practicing !
This really helped me. If I want people to respect my boundaries , I have to respect theirs. Even if it is
A jerk.
Thanks!
I'm so glad this helped, Maris. This is still one I work on! 🙂
You are a brave woman! I can't even think about this right now. I am trying to apply this to myself....trying to dress myself in ways that make me feel good about me....and take myself out into public like to a movie or restaurant without a date. This is hard enough. I can't even imagine adding a date! I have a lot of trouble sticking to my boundaries too. I am so used to caving in and saying/doing whatever seems to fit the guys perspective so that they will choose me. But that is how I got where I am with trying to get out of my current situation. And I do not want to attract that again! It has been super painful even though it has been a major growth experience. Right now i feel like running from anyone male!!! 🙂
I completely understand - and remember that feeling well - Deborah! 🙂
Don't ever feel like you need to rush anything; those boundaries that most of us struggle with are a huge part of our growth that prepare us for the one who not only respects them, but expects you to have them too. When it's time, it will be crystal clear to you, too! 🙂
O Deb,
I understand completely ! But what do we really have to loose if we just date.
I must say dating myself as u said is kind of weird but feels good.
Now I know the media projects on "sexy". But isn't it great when you turn on your music
And take a shower with your favourite foam... And put some lotion on and a outfit that
Suits well. That to me is also sexy, you feel it inside like "hell yeah" ..
I must say I have grown into this took me months...
Oh there will come a moment Deb when you are more calm inside!
And you will Justin Timberlake "bringing sexy back " attitude will arise.
See yourself as a goddess , all of our beautiful soft skin we have women.
Isn't it pretty, and our way of moving our derrière..
( I put some songs on like Justin's or "I am what I am" from Gaynor... I act like a gay man
Front of a mirror... 🙂 No wonder why gay man are so proud of their own. If you listen to their music
And how they walk... Makes me kind a want some of that confidence ! )
As Jane said boundaries are the key. It's only when I indeed feel the most comfortable with myself.
Is when I keep my boundaries! Easy to say but in reality sometimes very harsh !
You should read the poem of Maya Angelou- phenomenal women 🙂
Bless you Deb! We can do it going on and creating happiness inside!