Our beautiful friend, Ruby, is going through something that so many of us have experienced at one time or another. Her boyfriend is being hot and cold, and becoming distant, then telling her that he can't talk about it! Of course she wants to scream!
Her Story:
I started talking to a guy for about 3 months, everything seemed so great and moving faster than I expected for sure. He didn't directly ask me to be his girlfriend but he did imply and when people asked that's what he said.
I loved the attention I was getting from him and he even said he loved me which definitely thought was soon but I felt bad and I did say it back quietly and guilt-full I guess you could say.
He was always praising me always wanting to spend time with me. I loved the attention and the affection. One day he ignored me for about a day and then randomly text me he was going through something personal he could not share with anyone.
I am not sure what to make of it, he said he would delete me off facebook and other social sites because seeing me on there would only make it harder, he never deleted me and later just told me he wanted to stay friends.
I told him I was OK with that, he came by my place once after that and we did ended sleeping together and he stood the night held my hand and he still texted me for days after and there are days he doesn't text me and when he does he calls me babe or names he did when we were "together".
I am not sure what to make of this it bothers me.
I don't know if I should tell him how I feel and just delete him from my life or just act like it doesn't bother me and stay friends or just walk away and delete him from my life without saying anything at all.
I do have a daughter and I know that he would bringing up meeting her and I explained when the time was right he could but he would have to meet her father as well, he had said he didn't have a problem but later said my daughters father made him uncomfortable but when I asked him how? because they have never met he just kept saying he didn't know and in general he made him feel uncomfortable...giving me no information at all.
It seems like he cannot communicate his feelings. I don't know if maybe this was something that pushed him away or I cannot say I believe that he says he is going through something he can not tell anyone? I want to go about this gracefully and not overreact but everything in me just wants to scream my feelings at the top of my lungs in his face lol.
My Response:
Dear Ruby,
Of course it's frustrating when someone behaves like this with us and it makes no sense from where we stand. But the reality is, it always makes sense to them, no matter what we think about it. This is what he needs right now, this is where he's at. He may not even know himself what's going on for him, but he does know that giving himself some space on all levels when he needs it, feels better to him.
And he's letting you know by his words and his actions where he stands and what he needs, even as it's so frustrating to not understand or have this make any sense to you.
The absolute best thing you can do is know that it doesn't have anything to do with you personally. This is all about him, and what ever is going on with him and what ever you do or don't do or what you did or didn't do doesn't make a difference.
If two people are going to be in a real relationship, it takes both people to want to be there, to be on the same page with each other and looking for the same thing - with each other. Without that kind of same page compatibility, you know you wouldn't be happy anyway.
You can always try, of course, because this is always yours to decide what you want to do with it. Whether you're willing to have some kind of relationship on his terms of what he's said he's capable of, or if you want to move on with your own life apart from him. It's always about what you can live with and what you can't. So do what brings you a sense of peace and calm - and happiness! - and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. That's how you know you've done what's right for you.
Know that you're so not alone here, Ruby. It can be infuriating to know what things could be like for the two of you if only he could see it, too. But that's the whole point here, it's not up to you to bring him around, he has to want to for himself. And only you know if he's worth waiting for while he figures out what he's doing for himself.
You're always the one doing the choosing here, Ruby, don't ever forget that.
I hope this helps a little.
Love,
Jane
How about you - what do you think Ruby should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
Dear Jane,
I am not so sure if this is the right article to post my story on. I have been dating a guy for over 2 months, and he promised it was completely exclusive. There was a time between these two months, that we had a breakup. That was when he suddenly told me we shouldn't have sex anymore and he just wanted to be friends as I was the most important person to him. Right after that he dated another girl, who later told me to stop contacting him as she was his official girlfriend. And though he swore to me many times that she was only lunatic about the relationship, I stopped contacting him as I thought he was no good. They broke up short after that and he asked me to forgive him, saying he didn't want to lose me. I did forgive him. We got back together. After the breakup, I found it was really hard to completely believe in him. I sense there is always something that is not true in his stories. And every time when i would confront him about the logic of the stories and the facts (time and date) which didn't match, he would tell me that I was just imagining things, everything was only in my head. He has many female friends and still tries to make more female friends. He says he needs friends. I wasn't happy with that and I did tell him if he dated or slept with someone else, I would leave him, immediately.
Then I was away for a few days, when I came back, I found dirty chat between him and another woman, they sent sexual photos to each other and he asked her to come over to his house, he sent her his address. He told me he was only trying to have a language exchange with her (What kind of language exchange should that be?). He swore to me again that nothing happened. He blocked her, but was trying to find how to unblock and screamed at me when I deleted those dirty messages from his phone and refused to delete the photos. Two days later, I came to his house and found some lotion there, which I have never seen. And he said it was there all the time, I just didn't notice. I believed in what I see, and I knew that it had never been there. So I was thinking that I should leave him. I was crying that night and wouldn't tell him why when he asked. Eventually he told me, if I wanted to do that (crying), I'd better do it at my house and not at his. I left, without saying a second word. And we haven't talked to each other ever since.
I wouldn't know how to describe him as a person. He would change his mind every second. He would have a new plan every time I see him. He wouldn't focus on anything, except for chatting with many women a day. He likes buying me stuff and would use gifts to show his friendliness to his other (female) friends, too. He, however, could be extremely sweet sometimes and was there for me when I was in difficulties.
I am really wondering what kind of person he is as I feel he was quite good at manipulating me, that I would run back even though I wanted to leave. Am I too lonely or desperate that I let it happen?
Lisa.
I think you already know the answer to your question. That's why you're asking. This person is clearly no good for you. The real question is: why are you hanging on to him? It is actually infuriating reading your story. I know you must feel really bad and I sympathize, I do, but seriously?? I normally don't jump the gun with advice but all I can say is: NO. Please no. He is not even worth being "friends" with. Get out now and for good before your sense of self worth suffers much more. Strength and clarity sent your way.
Thank you very much, Angel for your sincere words. I feel frustrated with myself as well, hanging around him, knowing for sure that he has almost no values to my life. Thanks a lot, I feel that I have more strength now to close that door behind and let myself move on to a new chapter, as I know I deserve much better.
I know how you feel. It really is frustrating when we find ourselves in this situation and even when we know, we're still stuck there. You start little by little to get so fed up and feel so bad that there's no choice left but to leave once and for all. That is the only way to heal and feel better.
Hi Ruby,
You can't always take men seriously, or were you???
If your car gets stuck in the middle of a blizzard and you are without a phone, would you choose to stay motionless and not even try to get help? Its ok to grieve for awhile but life is full of wonderful surprises and Im sure he is not worth the wait.
Best of luck!
Thanks Laura for the support! I'm glad to be part of this site where ladies like me support each other with our love problems.
Hi Jane,
I read your columns regularly and I must say, you really provide very motivating and self-healing advices. Thanks for being there for us women who are in a difficult situation specially after a break up. I just had one myself. I did the breaking up with a guy who would not commit to me. So technically, we were never "on.". This was only less than a week ago.
I'm in the process of letting go and moving on with my life with only me. Gosh, it's difficult when you are in the situation. I honestly say that I miss him. However, I told him the last night we talked that: " Please help me forget you. Please do not call me as I will not answer your call. Please do not show yourself as I will avoid you. And please do not find me as if need be, I will leave this city, just so you won't find me." I thought that was harsh, I didn't really mean that coz I actually want the opposite. Him to chase me. I guess this is both ego and fear. But I said those words so he would think I'm serious and would not give in to him. Now, I unfriend him in Facebook coz I want him to know I'm decided to stop "us." I'm mending my broken heart Jane. But in the meantime, I have 2 questions for you. 1) I wanted to know hat are the means for a man to handle break ups? What are their coping up behavior or their "escapes". I asked this coz I still have him in Whats Up and I see him online until 2:30am everyday. Probably chatting with another woman. Why would he flirt with another woman when he knows he can't commit, he didn't commit to me, saying he is indecisive about what he wants. 2) Is it ok if I contact him after saying those words I mentioned above? I wanted to do this to clear some more things.
I'm confused Jane. Please enlighten me.
Many thanks for your help to all of us woman and more power to you.
I suggest you delete his previous messages on whatsapp, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy. I was in a similar situation with a guy who went from full on attention in the beginning to let's just hang out every once in a while and have casual sex. I chose not to do this even though I wanted to keep him in my life. I deleted him on facebook, whatsapp and I saved his number in my phone as 'not enough' so that I will be reminded when he texts me that I want more than he is able to give me. He is a good guy but he is not in a position to give me what I want, this is the reality and I have to be honest with myself about this. Do not contact him under the premise that you are helping yourself to clear things up. It does not make things clearer, it muddies the water and will take you longer to move on. I know because I did this. Stay strong and keep reminding yourself of what you want and need and this person is not able to give it to you no matter how much you want them to. It gets better and the strength you give yourself when you do the choosing is worth it.
Been there, done that. "I love you" on date #3, "You're the love of my life." "Are we going to invite X to the wedding?"
Six months down the road, he says we'll "See where it goes." I was the one who wanted to take it slow, but he was in such a rush, I believed that he actually fell in love. Looking back, I think he just wanted to get into my pants and didn't think he'd have to follow through with commitment.
I walked away and have never been happier. I would rather be alone and at peace than have a "boyfriend" who stresses me out and makes me confused with hot/cold and mix signals. Follow peace, and you will do the right thing for yourself. Good luck and remember to love yourself and put yourself first. Think abundantly as well. There is no lack.
"Follow peace, and you will do the right thing for yourself." So true, Nichole; thank you so much for sharing your experience! Love reading your words "I walked away and have never been happier. I would rather be alone and at peace than have a "boyfriend" who stresses me out and makes me confused with hot/cold and mix signals." Exactly!
Hi Nichole,
This experience is so familiar! I wanted to take things slow with my ex that acted like he was so interested in me as well. I also ask him later on where things was going and he gave me the famous line lets see how things go. After, he stated just months ago I was going to be his wifey. I think that a lot of these guys future fake to get what they want in the present because they know they are not going to be around in the future, for example, saying they wanted to marry you, and have children, so they can get sex, and used up your time. I really believe these guys are so disconnected from their emotions because they have played this game so many times with so many women. These guys have no idea what it takes to interact in a real relationship either because they don't know or most of the time they don't care.
Nichole and Sophia, I agree. Having this experience just recently, I was shocked that he could pour it on early when I was trying to take it slow and wise, then when I fell in love and began to talk about a real relationship he started the hot/cold, lying and back peddling. I continue to sate the truth and he has gotten violent when I press him to face his actions. It seems that in the past the women he attempted this with all just accepted then left when he shoved them away. I have not run across someone like this before and it was very confusing!
Hi Deborah,
I just can't believe that these guys are real!
Wow. I am so glad I am not alone. I've also been dealing with something similar. We have been off/on for like a year and a half. This time I thought things we different. He was in TX for Air Force training for the past 3 months and we talked regularly. He told me he loved me, that I was the love of his life, and even talked about marriage. He was supposed to be back Tuesday & I was so excited but now he is completely ignoring me. I haven't heard from him since Sunday and he's ignored all my texts. I don't know why guys are so wishy washy. I just want to know what changed and he doesn't even care enough to respond.
That's always the hardest part, Crystal, the "why"!
HI Ruby, Jane is right, you are not alone. I got the attention and the "I love you." early on as well. Then I found out that he was really in a 24 year relationship, though he was not legally married, and that he had had many, many affairs, and that, even though I questioned him and tried to make sure that he knew exactly what I was looking for and who I was, he had lied to me on multiple levels. And even after finding all of this out, I still struggled with the why part of it and it always came back to me looking at myself and thinking that I had done something wrong, or that I was too fat, or too tall or not the right ethnicity, or my hair was not curly, etc. I finally found this site and started ready Jane's articles and the posts of other struggling women and I came to realize that this is not about him or the why of his actions....this is about how I feel about myself and that I have never in my whole life presented myself to the world as someone worth being treated with kindness, honor and respect! I have been the one to jump at the chance to have attention paid to me because I was so sure that I did not deserve it that I had to take whatever I could get and then hold on for dear life. This is just my story.....and yours may be different....but I stayed much, much longer than I should have in the hope that he would finally get the idea that I was a good catch and would come around. Just this past week I was finally able to say that the way he is treating me is completely unacceptable. Like you, I did not want to be rude or over-reactive, so I just stated it clearly and firmly and told him that if these were the ways he feels he needs to live his life at this point the we will need to end. He said he knows he has some decisions to make. And I have still been hanging on through this week hoping against hope that he will make the choice of me. However, I see that I am, in fact, the one who must make the choice here. I am the one who must say that this is not the way I want to be treated. I have never seen any of this as my choice before. I always saw it as what happened to me. Keep reading Jane's posts and the posts of all of the women who share. I wish I could give you a hug right now, but I can tell you that we will get through this and you can be proud and hold your head up because you are asking the tough questions and seeking growth!
"However, I see that I am, in fact, the one who must make the choice here. I am the one who must say that this is not the way I want to be treated. I have never seen any of this as my choice before. I always saw it as what happened to me." - Beautiful words spoken from your heart, Deborah; thank you for sharing. This is your truth!
Spot on Deborah, it's about coming to that conclusion what is right for you and how you would like to be treated! My personal story is that I fell in love with a fantasy of being in love and with the wrong man. The great sex clouded my judgement and I hung on to a situation for years that made me grossly unhappy and believing it was more than what it was! Because of this, I taught a man to treat me a certain way (casual and uninvested) for years and put up with a situation that hurt me and made me unhappy and went against my values. I've lost some youthful years off my life and wasted so much time with the wrong man! I would've been better off single and happy and built memorable experiences as a single woman as there were very few memorable time with him! I've only just recently started to find myself again and actually enjoying my own time doing things being away from that toxic situation! Im starting to love and respect myself again and my confidence is growing and I'm not dependant on the opinion of "one man". I wasted so many precious years with! It's difficult letting go of someone you thought you loved but it's not difficult for them to let go and lose you! It took me along time to realise that he only wanted me when it suited him as I fed his ego! Anna
Hi Ruby
I must say there Are different opinions about this Way Of Getting
To know each other . How so?
From my experience for example; my best friend ever, who is like a sister dates
Very quickly. Looks kind of like your story. And I on the other hand date slow, I like my
Personal space. And I like to date for fun and to also listen very good what the man is telling me.
She on the other hand looks for the spark and attraction !
From her opinion I am "difficult" and for me she looks sometimes "so rushed" .
Like she is going to die if she doesn't text 24/7.
Now she after 3 months got to know the real guy.
Off course , after wild sex and texting 24/7 . She thinks he is the one.
Even if they don't match , I mean they are so different... Character .. Values..
But she is blinded by the attention, I think a woman no matter how strong she is.
She gets addicted!
The thing is what I learned from it. Rushing into a relationship is not
A thing a would recommend. If you are like my friend and want attention and
Sexual healing, then yes do it!
But I think it does not lead into a healthy relationship. I haven't seen it in real life!
So these are two different approaches. I think you should look at you and see what
You want from a guy/meeting new man. If it is only attention, don't be ashamed but don't
Get too involved.
I have come to a level which I just can't have casual sexual attention , it does not
Work for me! I can't lie to myself that I can .
So what works for you?
"I can't lie to myself that I can" - Exactly, Maris! No matter how hard we try to, eventually we all find this our for ourselves. It's in telling the truth to yourself about what you can and can't live with that you find the path that is yours - regardless of what anyone else says or does. Thank you for your insightful perspective here that says so much!