What do you think of when you think about true love?
Do you think it absolutely happens to everyone, or do you think it's very rare, and only happens to others - you know, the ones who are lucky, beautiful, talented, or have something else that you don't seem to have?
You’re not alone – I used to feel that way, too.
I would look around at all of my happily married friends, (or worse, the ones who were soon to be married as I went to look at wedding dresses with them and be fitted for my own bridesmaid dress), and wonder what they had that I didn't because I was convinced there had to be something in them that wasn't in me.
I know exactly how you feel.
You feel like they have something that you're missing. That there's some secret you don't know about, or aren't capable of. That they have something you don't.
They always seem to have something we don't have – we even tend to use the phrase "you're so lucky" when referring to the guy they found.
And it only seems to get worse the older you get.
You can just feel yourself staring at that hypothetical, but still very real biological clock ticking away, as you do the math in your head: If I meet him right now, and we date for a year, then get engaged and married a year later, I'll be (insert any horribly old-sounding age here).
It's enough to drive even the most stable, intelligent woman to extreme anxiety levels, leading to that downward spiral where we can find ourselves doing all the desperate things we promised ourselves we’d never do.
But there’s something you need to know about this because it doesn't have to be this way for any of us, and especially not for you.
You see, that very thinking is a big part of what's keeping you from having the kind of love that you want in your life.
That kind of thinking leads to fear – the fear that you'll never find the right guy. Fear leads to anxiety, and anxiety leads to desperation.
It's a downward spiral that you have to get yourself out of as quickly as you can.
But I also know that it's not as easy as it sounds.
In order to get out of this downward spiral that you're caught up in, you first need to know exactly what your true thoughts are about love, and why you have those thoughts.
We might think "Yes, I know that love is everywhere", but deep down inside we don't really believe it. This is due to your life programming, whether it came from your parents, teachers, or other role models in your life, or you friends and peers. In fact, you're still being programmed, even at this stage in your life - not the least of which is by the media, movies, television shows and magazines.
But armed with this knowledge, just be being open to seeing this programming for what it is, you also have the power to change it. It doesn't have to be this way because this isn't what love is at all.
Here's the truth:
Love isn't particular. Love isn't selective. Love doesn't just gravitate towards the people that are perfect. In fact, some of the most imperfect people were the ones who were getting married all around me!
Love is everywhere. Love is for everyone, including you.
But it’s not necessarily the kind of love that you've been programmed to believe in.
- It’s not the kind found in fairy tales - that's the kind that doesn't exist in real life.
- It’s not the kind that’s led you to believe you have to prove your worth to get it - the kind that you have to work for.
- It’s not the kind that you have to try to find by being something other than your true self with someone who isn't capable of the kind of love you’re looking for.
- It’s not the kind that has you accepting whatever crumbs someone is willing to throw at you in the name of love.
- It’s not the kind that conquers love if there isn't love there in the first place.
- And no, it’s never the dramatic roller-coaster kind.
It is the kind that happens between two people who are on the same page who want the same level of commitment with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
It’s real. It’s authentic, and it happens between two real people who understand all this and refuse to settle for anything less.
But you have to be open to seeing the difference between what love really is and who it’s for and what your very powerful belief system - the one you've been creating you're entire life - would have you believing.
You have to be willing to see the difference – and take a chance on experiencing that difference for what it is. Real. Authentic. True.
And that is exactly what you do deserve. All of us do.
Because when you change your outlook on love to one of abundance instead of scarcity, to one that’s available to every single one of us, you will open yourself to accept the love that is flowing all around you.
All you have to do is be open enough to allow it in.
See it, notice it, accept it.
And know that it's there for you, too.
What beliefs about love are you holding onto that might be keeping you from having the kind of love you want? Tell us about it in the comments!
Here's a letter from one of our lovely readers who's in love with a guy who seems to be suffering from commitment-phobia. Read her story, along with my response:
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